Diary *Possible TW*

@mytwistedsoul It'll prevent my eye from coming out because there is something there. I injured myself last week. I don't eat it. How will I see

@hillsideblues That is a very good thing to prevent! Eye's are really important because like you said - how would you see

I'm sorry to hear you got injured last week - I hope it wasn't anything serious and you're healing. Be careful ok?

*leaving you a safe gentle hug and sending you peace and love* ❤️

@mytwistedsoul I am sorry I don't know what am I saying. It feels very confusing about it and I am trying

@hillsideblues Hey you :) please don't be sorry ok? There's nothing to be sorry for and - I'm sorry you're confused - but it's ok here ok? It's ok here with me but don't feel pressured to talk with me

Tbh - It makes me so happy to see your name pop up - because - well - then I know you're kind of ok

*safe hugs* You're in my thoughts ❤

@mytwistedsoul You are so kind

My mom and dad had an argument. That is what my dad said last time when I saw him. My mom went to live with him after her ex boyfriend broke up with her. My mom was smoking drug again. I know my dad has always wanted her to stop using. And it brought up old arguments between them

Now my mom moved out of my dad's place because she got her own place. I wish my mom did not smoke. I am no one to judge. But I wish it was different

My dad told me that he has been thinking about seeing a therapist. I hope therapy helps him if he decides. It is only when my dad talks to me and tells me about what is happening at home and tell me what is happening at my college, it is only then I feel less alone

My chest has been hurting so much since yesterday and difficulty breathing. Down there hurts because of flashbacks. I cannot take all this pain anymore. The pain in my chest feels really sharp and makes my head hurt. Maybe the shadow people are finally here to get me. For all the time I have spend running away from them and shielding my mind from them, they are finally here to get me. The irony

@hillsideblues You have been in my thoughts and I hope you said something to your doctor or a nurse about this. I hope you're feeling better - it sounds really scary ❤

@hillsideblues You have been on my mind the past few days - so I thought i'd stop in and leave a hug for you ❤

@hillsideblues Hey You :) Just wanted to drop off a friend to wish you a Happy St. Patricks day! Not really a big holiday as far as holiday's go lol

You're in my thoughts ❤️

@mytwistedsoul It always feels so nice to see your screen name. You're always beyond nice and so kind

I have not been on here for so long. I think I totally forgot this place was here. Everything has been very scary lately and I only have the voices to talk to. One of them said her name is emma. She speaks the most coherent sentences anyways that I can understand over all the noise. I do not know where everyone is

@hillsideblues Hey you :) ❤️ I was so happy to see you pop up in my notices! I'm sorry everything is so scary lately and that there's only the voices to talk to. It gets lonely I bet :( Maybe you could make a sign or picture that has 7cups on it? Maybe that would help you remember that there are people that care about you and maybe you won't feel as scared? IS Emma friendly or at least not as mean as the other voices? Could she maybe help so that things aren't scary? Maybe Emma is keeping the others away?

*safe hugs and much love to you Hill ❤️*

@mytwistedsoul Emma seems nice but I am unsure because none of the voices have ever been nice to me. They always are saying horrible things about me and awful things. Always shouting and saying things I do not understand. But Emma seems kind and she has been reminding me when to eat as well because I always forget

@hillsideblues I think I would feel unsure about that too. For me it would be like the RQ suddenly saying something nice. It's good that she's been helpful with reminding you to eat and really great that she's being kind. Have you tried to talk to her any? I'm sorry if this comes out the wrong way - but do you hear her from inside yourself or outside?

@mytwistedsoul Sometimes I hear voices from inside my head and sometimes from outside my head. Some feel outside and very far away everyone speaking at once. Emily feels like inside my head. She helped me yesterday to tell me if the bugs I am seeing on my floor are actually there or not

@hillsideblues That's probably kind of confusing at times trying to figure out which is inside or not. Have any of your doctors given any thought about about DID? Maybe that would help explain why things are worse sometimes. They can be co-morbid and there's some similarities between the two and DID can be confused for schizophrenia. And DID can be hard to diagnose - probably even more hard if the doctors allready have their minds made up about one diagnosis

Emily sounds like a real big help though - especially if she's letting you know whether something is really there or not. If you want - tell her thank you - from me - for being there to help you. No pressure though ok? ❤️

*Hugs to you Hill and Emily - if she'd like one*

@mytwistedsoul Thank you ❤ I think Emily would like the hug

My doctors never diagnosed me with DID. But maybe it explains some of the voices. I don't think they ever changed their diagnosis over all the years. I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder and then with schizophrenia when I was 16 which was made "formal" when I turned legally an adult. None the doctors I've had afterwards changed or looked into my diagnosis again much. But added catatonia to it. Emily is the nicest voice I've ever had and makes me forget about bad stuff for a while

@mytwistedsoul It feels really bad here. I am not sure where everyone goes. I had to count all the dots on my blanket but I messed it up again like everything. I tried to count. I think I scared Emily away. All places are bad. I have not talked in a very long. It feels like. I stay in my room every time. My dad stopped visiting. I don't know where he is. I think my brain feels foggy all the time and very hard to understand and think. I don't want to look at people face anymore because I still keep seeing their eyes or lips getting very large. I don't like it and makes me feel afraid. I feel alone here. I want to leave and go back to my home but they don't let me

@mytwistedsoul You are always so kind. I think you are the kindest person I have ever met anywhere. I call and text my dad sometimes. He hasn't been replying. Maybe he is busy. He is always really busy. I remember now he said that he is starting therapy. I'm not sure if he started it. I finally asked the nurse if I can have a new blanket because it is making me count all the dots

@hillsideblues Hey you :) *big safe hug* I'm allways so happy to see you pop up in my notices ❤️

I'm so glad you asked for a different blanket! I think the fact that you asked says alot too. Like you were - proactive about it :) It was causing trouble so you asked to change it. I hope it helped :)

@mytwistedsoul I think it is ok. Sometimes I have seizures but I get ok afterwards. It is mostly at night time when I am trying to sleep that I find it hard very hard to breathe all of a sudden. I'm not sure about my body because it gets very rigid all of a sudden sometimes very stiff. It happens in different positions and I don't even remember my body getting into that position and going rigid. I try moving but my mind feels foggy and I can't. The nurse helps me put back my arms legs in resting position when it gets very rigid. I don't want anyone to touch me but I think I've started to feel ok if that one nurse does it when I get rigid. But I don't want anyone else to. I think I get very confused sometimes when speaking and writing. I know sometimes I repeat sentences of someone talking to me. I try not to but it happens without even thinking

I hope you've been ok. I hope you've support too. My living in group home facility and sometimes having psychosis episodes I think, all are overwhelming. And you've been so kind to me through it when not alot of people in my life have. I really wish the best for you. You deserve everything nice, if that's ok to say

❤️❤️

@mytwistedsoul ❤️❤️

You're so kind ❤️❤️

The nurse also said the same thing and I sleep with my head lifted up. I accidently choked on my vomit once it happened at night and I was too scared to move. The nurse said it won't happen again if I sleep with my head lifted more upwards. They think seizures is also a schizophrenia symptom. I feel like something is wrong with my brain. My seizures were more violent before and I always passed out after. But now I don't pass out. I think the meds are helping

@hillsideblues Hey you :) That would be scary. I'm glad the nurse said it would help too. I worry sometimes with things I say. Is this the same nurse you're comfortable with?

@mytwistedsoul Yes she is the same nurse. She checks in on me sometimes

Hugs for you, if that is ok and no pressure ❤️

@hillsideblues I have been thinking

@hillsideblues HE did that to us. Did he use me for my body? Every day in pain and it never stopped?

I have to count all the dots that are in circles and just like that

I have to do it again because they are in my room everytime and just staring. Don't they get bored. Just stating and staring

All the dots but please only circles are broken!!!!

I feel better today. I feel like I achieved some things. I have been eating full 3 times in a day since the last week. I also got my pillow and blanket changed to make the faces disappear. I talked to the nurse about it. There is someone who lives here and his room is in the corridor as mines. I am scared of him. He cames to my room all of a sudden and started touching me. I hate being touched!! It just made my mind really blank out. But I told my therapist this and she said that we can have his room moved. So I feel happy about that now!

I also heard emily again. I thought I had scared her away forever. I think I like hearing her voices

@hillsideblues Hey you :) I'm really proud of you! ❤️ I'm so glad to hear that you're eating better and that you got your pillow and blanket changed. And that person - I'm glad you told your therapist and that they moved his room

Thank you for the hug and I'm leaving a big hug here for you

Peace and love to you Hill ❤️

@mytwistedsoul A big hug to you too if that is ok ❤️❤️❤️ I appreciate you alot

I feel sad today. Sometimes I feel sad all of a sudden and then it keeps feeling like that for so long. I don't know what happened. I feel like all the times it happened my mind completely blocked it out. But I knew something bad had happened. I was so scared. I didn't even properly understand it. I'm pregnant but I didn't want it. Emily says she knew all along it happening. I don't think I trust her anymore. The only good thing I feel like is that at least my dad took me back home from the facility. I just feel safer at home than the facility. My dad is mad at the facility. He wants to file complaints for it being unsafe and staff being negligent. But I don't know. It just makes me feel so scared. I had a panic attack which made me have a seizure. But at least I tell myself that at least I'm in home

I keep hearing voices all the time. It hasn't been quite even once. Horrible voices I don't want to hear them

It feels confusing today. I was talking to my dad about something but I forgot what I was saying. I always feel like standing and leaving the room when we talk. Because I always hear the voice calling me. But my dad always makes me come back in the room and sit down to start talking again. But then I forget what I was talking about. I feel really bad to do this to my dad. Why do I suddenly forget and it takes so much to remember again

I don't understand the voices I've been hearing lately. It's like too many people talking at once over each other. So you can't understand anything they are saying. You can only hear alot of voices. Can some voices stop so I can understand what they are saying!

Idk what I feel or how to put it in words. I feel really empty but also very loud everywhere. My dad has calmed down alot so that's good. I don't like seeing him stressed. It stresses me. I went to the doctor. The baby seems to be ok. Idk. I don't want this. This is not what I want. This is not what I imagined or even thought. It confuses me. But I just can't do the other option. I can't just get rid of it. I feel really bad. I feel like I'm horrible person for even thinking that. I think I hate emily it's all her fault!!

@NoneTheWiser ❤️ How have you been doing? I hope ok

I just feel very strongly against emily. But idk how to talk to her or tell her. I feel like I just randomly hear her and only then I can talk back to her. And then I just stop hearing her she disappears. And idk how to get her back or talk to her when I want

@NoneTheWiser ❤️ I think I will write a letter. I didn't think. I'll write the letter before the waves and come and God knows what they'll do