Diary *Possible TW*
I thought about starting a diary place to share and reflect on my feelings. I am trying to navigate through schizophrenia and ptsd and trying to not let it define me. I hope writing about it is productive for me. Any replies are welcome!!
I am real because
1) I'm alive which means that I'm real
2) I need to eat or otherwise I feel a bit drowsy after a while, so that means I'm real. I tried checking this and did not eat for 3 days and I felt drowsy. So I have to eat to not feel drowsy and I am real
3) If I wasn't real and if I was a hallucination then I would not have to eat
4) Because the shadow people following me are hallucinations and they don't eat anything
5) I'm not in any tv or inside signals which means I'm real
6) I can feel things and emotions too like real people
So all this means that I am real and I'm not a hallucination, I hope so. I will also tell my doctor because it is like a proof
@hillsideblues Just dropping off some good vibes :) Hope things are going ok for you
@mytwistedsoul Thank you ❤️ I am sorry I have not been on here. How have things been and I hope it has been alright and I hope you are alright and you have been in my thoughts too
*TW*
It all feels very strange. I am not sure what to think anymore about anything because it is very confusing and nothing makes sense. I dissociate alot and do not feel like myself anymore
No on where I am at really believes me that I have a chip device in my head. No one does. I want the chip out because I do not want anyone to implant thoughts in me or for people to read my thoughts. I do not want the signals. I am tired of them and cannot stand it anymore
There was nothing sharp obviously, for me to get the chip out. I ended up hitting my head repeatedly on the wall in my room, to get the chip out. The voices and Jacob told me to do it. A staff members heard me hitting my head on my wall and came into my room to try and stop me. She tried dragging me away but I wanted to be with the wall. I am not sure what got over me. I knew I was being delusional but I also want the chip out of my head. Cannot cope with the signals. The nurse tending to my injury finally said that she believes me which made me feel a little bit better. Because no one believes me that I could have a chip device and everyone keeps arguing! I am not sure if I believe myself anymore
Hitting my head has given me a concussion and my head feels very foggy. But still the chip did not come out and I have to cope with signals again. Not listening to Jacob! It got me written of for a long term stay at the facility and I cannot leave when I want anymore. Very fuzzy thoughts!
@hillsideblues *leaving a hug* your poor head
Try to be gentle with yourself - I do understand though how hard it can be
@mytwistedsoul Thank you. How have you been? I hope you have been ok but it can be hard ❤️ Thank you for the hug. I think I really needed it because everywhere else is very strange these days and colored all over too. Hugs for you too if that is ok ❤️
@hillsideblues You're welcome :) I've been keeping busy - thank you for asking. Busy is good though I guess - keeps us out of trouble. Thank you for the hug too - I needed one too
It is strange everywhere anymore - I'm tired of not seeing people's full faces. It makes it harder to get a read on them
I hope you're doing ok and taking care of yourself
@mytwistedsoul Yes I think being busy can be good and helps to engage in other things if we need to engage in other things to take out mind off somethings
It can be like that. Not being able to see facial features to understand what someone means
❤️❤️
@hillsideblues I hurt my head again to make it all go away but instead it just makes me more confused and unsure. How are you? I am as ok as the apples everywhere can be
@hillsideblues *leaving a hug for you and your head*
Is it easier to communicate by talking or if you'd write it down? You've been in my thoughts
Be gentle with yourself
@mytwistedsoul Thank you 
I am not sure. I think writing. But I am not sure if I already said it because there are things I think I said or not sure sure of already did communicate but forgot. Maybe it is like that. But everyone keeps arguing with all my thoughts. Nobody believes or tries understanding. They keep arguing when I talk about them
@hillsideblues You're welcome :)
I think writing too because it gives me a record because I forget alot of things or it gets twisted in my head or - well - sometimes I'm not sure if it's just a conversation I had in my head or when I go to actually talk all the words go away
I'm sorry everyone keeps arguing with your thoughts - some people I guess just think they're automatically right and they're not even willing to try and understand things from someone elses point of view and arguing with you about them just makes you feel like you never should have said anything in the first place - it's frustrating
I am trying to do my best and all that I can but it does not feel enough. What if it is not enough. I know I should be more present. I should be more active. I should be there. I should do better. I know this but I keep forgetting things that happen and get confusing. I feel absent minded when I do not want to be. It feels embarrassing. I say things with full meaning and that I am thinking and feeling. So why does the doctor say that I am making communication hard and that I am not making sense when I answer her questions. She is not understanding. I make sense and she just does not believe in the waves or signals. The only people I can trust are the voices who are always there for me and believes me and Jacob. I have not been able to get to know or talk to the other people here at the facility except one person who said that they also see apples sometimes. But worried now that they will read my thoughts about apples
TW
I am not sure what is happening with my life or what I will do in future. I think my memory span get shorter. I always feel confused or distant. I am still in the care facility to help with my schizophrenia. Lately I have been having more ptsd flashbacks. Small things seems to trigger me and reminds me of my trauma. I could not sit for my college exams this year because my head was out of it. The concussions have been very confusing. I was just trying to get it out of me. My doctor says I am showing symptoms of catatonic schizophrenia. I am not sure what to think about that. I feel afraid. I feel afraid of my body and my mind. No matter what I try to do my mind or my body does not let me do it. I feel very frozen sometimes and sit frozen for hours and feel confused but some part of my mind does know that I need to move. My body is doing catatonic limb movements and I cannot stop it. Sometimes a nurse comes to move my limbs back in resting position if I have a catatonic episode because I just cannot do it myself and it feels confusing. I do not like being touched at all in any way. In my session with the psychiatrist I told him all that I was thinking and everything. That I would like to finish myself and even the voices tell me to do it but I cannot do it because I am in this facility and being watched. But I felt better telling him everything I was feeling
I feel worried that my doctor said I am showing catatonic symptoms in schizophrenia. It is probably because of the signals and waves. It feels like I am trapped in my mind. I would do anything to make some voices stop. I trust them and feel that the voices are the only ones but I also don't trust them and feel that they are the only ones
@hillsideblues *sitting with you* to be afraid of your mind and your body is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. I'm so sorry you're going through all this and the flashbacks on top of it. Is there anything they can do to help with those catatonic moments?
I'm glad you told your doctor everything - that was incredibly brave for you to do. I'm proud of you and I know being in places where they're in charge of things really sucks but I'm glad you're safe
🎁 - it's just a hug but there's no pressure to take it. I really understand how being touched can be a problem
*sorry if you didn't want replies - I argued about it for a few hours - figured it wouldn't hurt - but I don't ever want you to feel you have to reply ok? You'll be in my thoughts
@mytwistedsoul You are so incredibly kind always to everyone even when you are going through hard days. I always appreciate what you say and you are always so kind even when I am confused. It means alot and I am very thankful for it. You have such a kind soul. How have you been? It is ok to be just ok. I really really do wish good things for you from my entire soul. Thank you for the hug Its meds that are supposed to fix whatever is not functioning in my brain and and help with catatonic movements or lack of movements. I think some things makes more sense now like why would I just forget about myself and just forget that I need to eat, move etc and why sometimes I have difficulty in getting words out. It hurts when my limbs get in an uncomfortable position. I feel confused but like I know I need to move but I can't. I feel far away and my body starts hurting until a nurse comes and helps put it back in place. I don't know sometimes I cannot move because there are thousands of bugs in my room everywhere and I get scared. I know sometimes talking to the nurse I just mimic what she is saying. I don't want to but the only words that come out of my mouth are the words she said. I don't feel like I trust myself. The doctor wants to get me off a med but she said we will do slowl because I can have seizures if I suddenly stop taking the med and have withdrawl symptoms. I am supposed to have a EEG again
I feel like everything is talking to me at once. The walls, my bed, the floor and even my table. They all keep talking to me and saying things. So many voices overlap all at once and it makes it difficult to understand. I want them to stop talking to me. I was want it to stop but they keep talking. I cannot take it anymore. I get thoughts all of a sudden. They are not mines. I do not want anything to do with those thoughts. They are so many waves and signals. Some signals are from the EEG. But can they communicate with spirits? I guess not. Only the other signals can. They waves can too because they control everything. Everything you see and think. The signals and waves control it. It is going to be in everyone's head soon like how it is my head. The chip that controls thoughts and they can read everyone's thoughts then. Not mines alone. They can implant thoughts in everyone then. Not me alone. There will not be any escape from it and then will not argue with me and say that it is not real. Then they'll believe me. No one understands or believes me. Everyone keeps arguing. There are atleast 4 of them. Worms in apple trees but they are not too long or big. They do not fall down or wiggle. Not too big or too small. Just worms and apples. The signals cannot control it. Some things should be left untouched. There are more than 4 of them because the signals can multiply now. Like 4 and then 1 and then back to 6 but never 8. Then going back to 7 and 3 and then a big jump to 487 and then back again to 4. That is what they say but no one should know because no one believes and everyone argues. I want to go back home. I feel like I am losing my head here and I feel alone but no one talks properly to me except the signals. I feared them at first. I still do. But a little bit less. Because the signals multiply from 4 going around in circles and then back to 4. The apples have been good. The worms have been not. Except the trees. No one talks about the trees. They go around in circles too. Someday the circle will be completed. That is when signals will happen. But no one believes and everyone here argues. The nurse doesn't believe me and I think I saw her laughing but I do not know anymore. I do not know where the facility's doctor has been. He was here and then he was not. Like disappeared. I want to tell him. It is the signals. It is because of all the roots of the tree, the signals have made them that way. Now the oranges instead of apples but the worms are still the same because they go around in circles from 4 to 7 but not to 9 this time. Instead of 456. I want to go back home and my room should stop talking to me
It does not go back to where it was. Does it? No it does not. Because they said so. All the walls did