Diary *Possible TW*

I do not know what to do anymore. I do not even know why I am here. Everything feels confusing and hard to understand. Someone says this and someone says that. Someone does this and soemone does that. It does not even make sense that what do they even do. Nothing makes sense anymore. Why does it happen

He said that it will happen but no one understood. He said it again that it will happen but no one understood then too. It is all just circles if you look at it. The colors dim and then they go bright and then they dim again and then they go bright another time and then dim and then bright and then just stop. No more of dim and bright and dim and bright. It is never bright and dim. Remember that it is only dim and bright. Then you may ask that why is it called a circle then? I do not have an answer. I do not know too. It is because he said so that it is a circle and he knows. It does not go straight. It does not from lines. The numbers also switches around alot and they make my head hurt. The colors switch around alot too and they make my head hurt. I see colors swirling more when I am feeling not so good and that hurts my head. It is nice sometimes to see it all swirling but not nice if I keep starring at it. I think I see shadow people in the colors. They make shapes. Is that where the shadow people live? I have been seeing shadow people since I was 9 or 10 years old. I would like to know where the shadow people live?

@hillsideblues Hey you :) Just wanted to let you know that you've been in my thoughts :)

@mytwistedsoul Thank you. I hope you are holding on there and ok ❤️ I am still at the group home facility and I did not get to do college. There isn't much to do here so I just sit by myself inside

@hillsideblues Hey you :) it's nice to see you!
I'm sorry about college - I bet you were really looking forward to it :( Maybe you can think of this as alittle break though and maybe when the next semester rolls in you'll be in a better place to enjoy it - not that I mean to invalidate you in anyway - that's the last thing I want. Its just - some times I guess we need to take a pause to take care of ourselves first - placing our needs ahead of our wants I guess. It doesn't make it any less painful though - if anything I think it makes it hurt worse because we have to make sacrifices
If its ok to ask - how are other things? The meds and the bad staff person?

@mytwistedsoul ❤️❤️❤️

I am not sure about other things because I am still trying to understand. I am finding it really hard to understand anything around me. I feel distant from myself and I am not sure if therapy at the group home facility is helping. I am not sure because sometimes I am talking to someone but then I realize that I have been talking to my hallucination and not someone real. Maybe I am in a simulation controlled by the signals? It could be that. I touch to make sure but I am afraid to touch all the worms in my room or to count them when they need to be counted. I am finding it really hard to understand about my meds. Everyone speaks so fast and uses difficult words in so many conversations. I do not understand it because it is so fast. I just take whatever meds I am given and I am not sure how to understand if they are helping. The bad staff person hurts me sometimes. He touches me which I do not like and my mind goes blank

@hillsideblues Hey :) It's ok - I have a hard time wrapping my head around things too. When think it makes sense - I found out that it really doesn't - which probably makes even less sense

I've found I have an easier time understanding things in writing - because I can go back and re-read things if it starts to get confusing to me. When people talk sometimes it's hard to focus on what they're saying. Maybe you could bring thing up to your doctors and they could write things down for you - or type it and print it out. I would hope that they understand and you should be able to be more active in your own care
You're in my thoughts and I constantly wish for good things for you

It is all because of the signals. They will get you they already have on the stairs. The signals did it. I saw it with my own eyes. It confuses things more because that is not how it is supposed to be. It circles back. I saw it. I stayed still for the whole day today and stared at everything because. I felt very disconnected for myself. Catatonic schizophrenia. My body keeps twitching. It hurts sometimes and I cannot control it. It is because of the signals and I want to leave

I want to leave. This diary feels like the only place I can vent because no one understands. I think the group home facility is making things bad. I do not like him at all and I am scared of him now. I want it go stop. The group home facility is making things worse. I am not sure what I feel. The voices in my head never stops. I do not know how to cope with anything. Sometimes I do not know what they are saying. It is all gibberish. Sometimes they say really bad things. They have been saying bad things. Things about hurting myself. I want to but I cannot. Sleeping is hard. I am scared of shadow people. I keep seeing faces on my bed and I do not even know who are they. All the colors blur. No one here has a clear face. Everyone face has I see lines of faces. It hurts my head alot. Jacob is gone. I see him sometimes. I see people's hands starts growing and getting so big. It hurts my head. I feel alone here. I am allowed to go outside on the group home grounds. But I feel so scared to. I am scared of the signals and the roots outside. I always stay inside but I still keep hearing and seeing things. I want to leave

Hey you :) I'm sorry - I wanted to write you sooner but I'm having a hard time with time and losing track of it. Plus I worry that maybe you don't want replies so I try not to reply all the time but yet it's nice to know you're not alone and that someone hears you
I was wondering if there is something you could carry with you - something that makes you feel safe? It could be a coin or even a pretty stone. Or Idk if they have arts and crafts but maybe you could make something. A while back we were into rune stones and used to make some for protection. There's one that's really easy called Algiz it would be really easy to draw. In Norse it means Elk - white elk. You can look it up amd theres no pressure to do it and I totally understand if you'd rather not or can't
I'm allways sitting with you - if that's ok

@mytwistedsoul Yes there are rocks but only the dust and that invisible so I am not sure

Yes my mom came to visit today. I don't like seeing her because she blames me for everything and thinks that I ruined her life. But it was nice seeing her. I am not sure where my dad is. He disappears through a door which I don't know

@hillsideblues No it was ok

@hillsideblues Yes I am talking to someone here with me. But cannot tell if they are real. But it feels nice

It happens again and again. Am I supposed to spend my whole life in a facility? Is this even a real life. I'm so tired and want to give up so that my mind can have peace

@hillsideblues Everyone I try to leave the facility, something happens. My doctor says that if I am not cooperating than they cannot help me but I don't want to be here. It makes me feel upset and get urges to self harm. But I've nothing sharp to do it anymore but I hit my head on the walls sometimes. I don't want anyone to find out because then the nurse found out and I was sectioned for longer. I really want to leave the facility and go back home. It's been months. I promise that I'll try to do be better. I want to understand what is happening

@hillsideblues Hey you :) You're doing the best you can right now. But I can imagine how frustrated you must feel. I wonder - is there something we can do here for you? A daily note? A pretty picture? Maybe links to songs you like? You're in my thoughts often
A gentle reminder to please be kind to your head ok?
*safe hugs for you*

@mytwistedsoul songs have signals and on the radio. I hope you are keeping safe

@hillsideblues oh man - I'm sorry I forgot all about that - I am truly sorry for mentioning them
I am thank you :)

@mytwistedsoul you are always so kind. Lots of blessings for you and the soul

@hillsideblues Thank you for saying that :) I think you're kind too and we all deserve some kindness
Many many blessings to you too
We're allways sitting here with you

@NoneTheWiser I hope you are ok? It is so nice seeing you here and I hope things were ok for you. Thank you for your kindness. I hope you have been keeping away from the bad signals and waves and the circles. Because they are everywhere and scary. I had a seizure today but I am ok

@NoneTheWiser No I don't know. It just happened. But I am trying to block my thoughts so no one can read them and control them. So it won't happen again

Feeling very anxious today. I do not want any meds anymore. They are not helping. They never helped because they are poisoned. The nurse tried giving it to me but I threw them away. I feel really bad for doing that but she does not understand that they are poisonous!!

It is only me and I do not want to go out of my room. It has been weeks and I have not gone out of my room anywhere. I do not want to go for group therapy anymore. No one understands the voices and what they say. They keep thinking it is not real. No one in group therapy. The doctor comes to my room for my 1-1 therapy session because I do not want to go to his office. I am scared to. I think he hates it and get annoyed. I do not know if I am being annoying

It is just waking up in the morning and then I try going out of my room to make breakfast in the facility kitchen. But sometimes I forget and I don't want to go out of my room. Then it is just nothing. I look at the walls alot because I see nice patterns on it but it makes my head hurt after a while. Group therapy is every day. I don't talk to others because I get scared. Then it is lunch and then dinner. So many voices in between. I don't want this to be my life everyday

I didn't mean to but I got into a fight with the nurse. He was making me take my meds but I don't want to. God knows if it's poisoned? It just happened that I kicked and the glass of water fell on the tray. Some of the water fell over him. It made him frustrated and he slapped me. It happened very fast. I didn't realize. But it's my fault and I said sorry to him so many times but I'm not sure if he listened. My doctor says that I'm not cooperating and if I don't cooperate we will get no where. I'm not sure what she means and what does she wants me to do

@hillsideblues Hey you :) I'm so sorry this happened to you but I have to disagree ok? Nothing gives him the right to slap you or anyone and I mean ABSOLUTELY nothing gives anyone the right to slap you. That's assault what he did. It was water - just water - I don't think he'll melt
There has to be a gentler approach to what they want you to do - use of force isn't right and it would scare anyone. Can't they back off when you're upset and try again later? It takes patience and understanding
* safe hugs for you if you want*
You'll be in my thoughts - be safe

I'm sorry - I replied emotionally - I should have taken a pause. There's been alot of thinking since. So I'm wondering - are these new meds or have you taken them before? I can understand your fear of them - meds aren't any fun sometimes but sometimes they help too. Like taking something for a headache or something for a bellyache. Those make you feel better. Maybe taking them will make the noise stop - maybe they will help you feel better that you can leave there?
Forgive me please - if I overstep or say all the wrong things - I don't mean to - you have my word on that

@hillsideblues You've been in my thoughts :) And I hope you're ok. I saw something today and actually got a picture of it. I thought I would share with you - I hope you don't mind


Hummingbirds :)

@hillsideblues Just wanted you to know we're all here with you and you been in our thoughts ❤

@mytwistedsoul You are so kind. ❤️ I am sorry I have been gone. I forgot that. How are you? The humming bird is so pretty. I hope the deer is. Thank you for sharing that. It is so nice. I am still at the facility group home and they want to move me to another because I got into fights with nurses. I don't want fights. I don't want anyone to come near me or touch me

@hillsideblues Hey you :) ❤️ It's is so good to see you! It's ok that you were gone - I mean - you were definitely missed but I understand

The deer are doing great! They're all getting ready for winter now and the hummingbirds have all headed to warmer weather

I'm sure you don't want fights and I can understand not wanting to be touched or having anyone near you. Not everyone there has been nice to you - so maybe a new place would be like a fresh start? Maybe you'd feel safer in a different place?

It was really good to see you today - you made my day ❤️

@mytwistedsoul yes maybe. I will see how it is and goes h

Thank you. I wish good things for you ❤️❤️

TW

I am moving to another group home facility because I think maybe no one likes me here and I don't like me as well. The new group home facility is alot further away from home. I don't think I have travelled that far from home. So it feels different. I don't know what to think about it. I have been trying to be the best version of myself

I think I am losing my ability to do things. Everything I hold slips out of my hand and sometimes I hold things very tightly it hurts so much but it's so hard to make my hands let go of holding so tight and the nurse has to help move my fingers

I have had four seizures since and it becomes very hard to breath. The doctor scheduled me for another ECG but I am really scared of it

I think my delusions have gotten less. So that is good positive. I think I am getting used to the new voices and not listening to them. But I want it to stop and go home

My dad visited and told me that my mom and her boyfriend broke up and my mom has started getting herself drunk again. Her boyfreind took the house so she is back staying with my dad. I am not sure what to feel or how to feel. I feel alot of things. Not sure. I feel bad that it has caused my mom to drink again. She has always had issues with drinking. But I am also happy that they broke up because I have always been scared of her boyfriend. He did s*xual things with me when I was younger, he made me touch it and in my mouth. My dad's brother would r*pe me when my dad would leave me with him on weekends so that he can babysit me because my dad was always busy with work. It was touching first I remember and it happened. It hurt so much like my entire body was burning. I remember thinking this is what I am supposed to do when my mom's boyfriend made me do s*xual things because my dad's brother did it with me

I wanted to tell all this to my dad when he visited me yesterday. I have always wanted to tell it to him because it's too much for me. But I didn't because I know it will ruin my dad's relationship with his brother and mess things with my mom's ex boyfriend now. I feel like it's my fault. So I will never tell him. I wanted to tell it here because it gets too much sometimes

I moved to the new group home. I am still not sure what to feel. I feel very numb. The voices say bad things about it

@hillsideblues Hey you :)

It's probably kind of scary at this new place I bet. I hope the people that work there are nicer then at the other place. Maybe if the voices cooperate - then maybe you won't have to be there very long and you can leave

You're so brave. I just wanted you to know that. I admire you for that and - well - so many other things tbh

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

*Leaves you a safe gentle hug* no pressure though ok? You're in my thoughts ❤

@hillsideblues Hey you :) Just wanted you to know you've been in someone's thoughts ❤️

Happy Thanksgiving ❤

@mytwistedsoul Happy Thanksgiving to you too ❤️❤️ I hope you're ok. You've been in my thoughts too and I wanted to come here but I think I forgot how to do it but now I remember. I do remember it because it came all of a sudden in my head suddenly

Hugs for you too if that is ok ❤️ You're really brave and kind. Maybe you don't always feel like you're kind and that can be so hard. All those voices saying things. But you're always so kind to me. And I mean it because I'm speaking from my heart that you're so kind. I hope that's ok to say

@hillsideblues Hey you :)

It's allways so nice to see you. I'm glad you remembered how to get here. I forget alot of things too sometimes. Sometimes I guess I forget that there's a whole world outside of my head