Diary *Possible TW*

I have been spending most of my time in my room lately ever since I came back. I spend time in my room when my abuser visited. When he is around it feels really hard to pretend that all is ok and that he did nothing to hurt me. There is alot of struggle with flashbacks and a constant state of taking pauses and grounding myself

It also feels confusing sometimes. Most things feel confusing. They either are confusing or maybe I confuse them or maybe my mom is right and I am slow

i have seen shadow people or figures (whatever they may be called) since I was around 10 years old. I now understand that the shadow people are not real but that does not make me feel less afraid. I will never call them by their names because I do not want to give into what is not real

*Possible TW*

Auditory: Lots of nonsensical voices speaking in sentences that do not make sense. One voice sometimes comments on all that I am doing. I hear both internal and external voices. Internal is very less now, meds helped with that. Internal seems like they are coming from specific sides inside my mind. They are not my thought processes or my thinking. I do not have a control on what they say. I recognize my own internal voice. I can think about apples and I can make my own internal voices say "I like apples." I do not have this control over the other internal voices that are not mines. They say anything they want. External voices are more than internal and seem to come from outside me. Persecutory ones are common. They talk about all the things I fall short in and name calling. Some speak descriptions about some awful things. Some commanding ones that want me to do certain things and I feel pressured to do them sometimes, jusy to make it all stop. Few times someone said that they are a spirit?

Visual: Shadow people since a very long time and seeing human looking shapes. Sometimes visual hallucinations talk to me and I get confused that if I should respond to them talking to me or not. Sometimes I feel obliged to reply to visual hallucinations talking? I held a door open for a visual hallucination to get out of the room? Some fugures following me around and objects like tables or chairs moving or floating, but I only see them from the corner of my eye. There is also seeing faces inside objects like walls, door knobs. Seeing flashes of light in my room and golden or yellow colored lines on people's faces since I was a kid. This has only happened thrice till now when I was talking to someone and I started seeing their teeths grow and fill up the whole room

Tactile: Some linked to certain memories, usually happens during flashbacks. I think these could be linked to the ptsd. A reason I was hospitalized once was because I was convinced that worms were inside me and that no one was really believing me. I could feel the worms under my skin and attempted to get them out. Now if I get sensations of things crawling on my skin, I do not react to it. More commonly have sensations that my skin is being stretched across my face and sometimes organs turning

Delusions: When I was younger, I really believed that my teacher could hear whatever I was thinking. I tried projecting some of my thoughts at my teachers to see if she could really "hear" them. When my teacher did not react to my thoughts, it gave me some confort that it is not real. I was delusional that someone had a chip inserted inside my head and they were controlling my thoughts. With that chip they also could insert thoughts in me. Made it hard to figure if all my thoughts were mines or if all of my thoughts were inserted by others through that chip in my head. Earlier this year, I was delusional that my food is poisoned and once thought my meds at the hospital were poisoned? For a period of time, I was kind of convinced that I was "cured" and needed no medication or therapy and I was ready to stop taking meds, until my doctor said that me thinking that way is also a delusion. Paranoia is still very common that if my doctor is giving me the right meds and if something 'bad' will happen

@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser I was not sure where to say this and I hope it is ok to say this here. I hope you both have a really positive next year ahead. I see how much warmth and understanding you have for everyone. A big heart and thoughtful for everyone even when you are going through difficult times. It is seen and appreciated. I hope you receive even more support than you spread. Bless you ❤️

Few current ways to cope that work sometimes. Still learning better ways

Auditory: Talking back to the voices really helps. Sometimes I get intimidated by the things they say. Having a conversation with them makes them feel less intimidating. Saying out loud that they are not real helps too. Listening to music works sometimes. It helps to distract me from the content of what the voices are saying and to move my focus more to the music lyrics. When I am not sure if the voices are real or not, I play really loud music. If the voices were real, then the volume of the voices would have drowned a bit due to the loud volume of music in my ears. But if the volume of voices has not changed at all even when I am playing music at high volume, then I know that those voices are not real. Have to practice alot of positive affirmations and self talk that I am not the horrible things that the voices say that I am. It can be easy to get into a negative mindset so positive self talk is important. Not sure what to do when the voices describe some gruesome things and that scares me because I do not want to listen. I need to be more assertive with myself and not do what I am told to do by command hallucinations. I am able to sometimes but not so much the other times

Visual: Not sure what to do about shadow people. They seem like a part or my life but startling sometimes and makes it difficult to sleep. I cannot sleep with the lights off. Seeing gold lines on people's faces is ok sometimes. I can manage seeing that. Maybe I should not interact or talk back to visual hallucinations because I feel really stupid afterwards. Which is ironical because in the moment talking helps me. Until the self conscious feelings comes along afterwards. It is scary to see the bad ones. Keep on telling myself that it is not real really helps. I know some things that cannot be real. Lines on faces, shadow people, objects floating or human looking figures showing up in my room or following me etc, all this cannot be logically possible. I can use logical reasoning here. So I know that it is not true. I am not very sure about more mundane things. Like I saw so many lady bugs in my room yesterday. It is hard to use logical reasoning here because lady bugs can be logically present but not sure if they are actually real or not real. For things like these I have to ask someone to tell me

Tactile: Grounding helps with the flashbacks and touch sensations. It is very hard to practice grounding and sometimes nothing works at all. Tapping myself is helpful

Delusions: Still not sure how to cope with this. Even if my doctor say that it is not real or anyone from my family tells me it is not real, it still feels so real to me. I cannot get it out of my head. Hearing it is not real from others helps to reassure me sometimes. Even if I logically know that it is not real, the thoughts keep coming back on their own and it is like the thoughts are their own individual and not a part of me and my own internal thoughts

I am not crazy or need to be put away contrary to some hurtful words

Some things have been confusing me lately. There has been some difficulty feeling that I am not very sure about

I was doing my laundary work and after folding all my clothes, logically I had to put them inside my cupboard. Instead I put my folded clothes inside the oven. I thought the oven was my cupboard. I did not realize that I had put my clothes in the oven until later when I went to take something from my cupboard and saw my clothes missing

It was disorienting and almost embarrassing now

Thoughts in no particular order (could be overthinking)

It has crossed my mind alot of times that if to write here or not to write here. The doubt is there because of how self conscious I feel and worried about harsh judgements. Then I think about the good writing here has done for me in giving me a place to say things and the supportive words of some very kind people here which truly means alot to me

The self doubt seems to mainly come from fear of judgement and fear of being misunderstood or considered something that I think I am not. It feels isolating sometimes when I am living in my own delusions and reality and some fear of being laughed at if I open up about it

Then there is a friend who distanced herself from me. We were not best friends but I think we were good friends. I think it was because of my mental health that made things difficult. I would get distracted by the voices very easily mid conversation with the friend. I still think that I get distracted easily without realizing because voices are almost continuous and it is hard to not listen

When I am in the middle of a psychosis episode, the things I experience feels very real and genuine. It depends on the intensity of it. Afterwards when I look back at it, I feel very embarrassed at myself. I had opened up to the friend about something that I was feeling very embarrassed and upset about. She started distancing herself from me after that

I have noticed that some things seem to worsen with time and it effects college for me. I do not like taking any of my medication. It makes me feel sleepy and empty like. There are still some delusional thoughts that my doctor is conspiring against me and prescribing me poisoned meds. It takes so much from me to tell my mind that they are not real thoughts

Fear of judgment has made me isolate myself a bit socially. Being frequently hospitalized made me isolate myself a bit socially. There are worries that I will say something wrong or I will say something strange without realizing. My dad told me today that yesterday when I was talking to him over dinner, I was saying my own made up gibberish words that do not exist, in between of communicating with normal words that make sense. I did not really realize that I was speaking some gibberish words until my dad told me today. I know things are wrong with my brain. Maybe it was because I think I am or I was having an episode

There has been fear because sometimes my hands do involuntarily jerking movements. It does not happen frequently but sometimes it happens. I will be holding something and suddenly drop it because of the involuntarily jerking motion or sometimes my hands sway. Thankfully it does not happen very often but it makes me nervous about going out

I seem to experience these things more when I am hallucinating more

I recognize that some insecurities and fears that I have are because of some words my mom has spoken about me over the years. I was never really the "perfect" child or the "smartest" child that my mom had wished for

I will take this as detoxing my mind of overthinking thoughts

"Healing does not have to look magical or pretty. Healing is hard, exhausting and draining. Let yourself go through it. Do not try to paint it as something other than what it is. Be there for yourself with no judgement"

-Unknown

Some small silly things that helps me to feel better sometimes

-Stitching cloth hats for my dog

-Watching movies and playing with my dog

-Doing my and other people's hair and makeup

-Trying different shades, patterns, blending eye makeup

-Finding good skin care routines

-Coloring

-A good nap

Thoughts (possibly delusions?)

*TW just incase*

No one really seems to believe some thoughts I have. No one really believed when I was saying that I have worms under my skin. I do realize that it was a delusion and not an 'actual reality' but not one really believed me at that time

No one really seems to truly believe that my doctor could be conspiring against me and prescribing poisoned meds. I have been seeing her for long. One side of my mind does understand this is not real, my paranoia is just that, a paranoia, nothing else. That my thoughts are just delusions. With therapy I have sort of learned to be more aware of symptoms. I am trying to class these thoughts as delusions and not actually real on these basis

1. It would be unethical for my doctor to conspire against me

2. My doctor can lose her license if she conspires against me. So she will not risk it

3. The pharmacist can pick out wrong things like poison in my prescriptions and let me know

4. I have awareness that I become delusional sometimes so this could just be that

5. Usually doctors do not conspire against others who ask for help

On all these points I can think logically and tell myself that my doctor is not conspiring against me or giving me poisoned meds and it is just a delusion of mines

It has been taking all mental energy that I have to reason with myself and not become more suspicious of my doctor. I do wonder that if all the thoughts I am having currently are even actually mines or if someone else is planting thoughts in me through the device chip in my brain. If all these "logical reasoning over delusions" are thoughts being planted in me?

Therapy did tell me that I do not have a chip in my head to implant thoughts and I do not see it as something that can even be scientifically or logically possible. I do wonder that if these "logical thoughts" that I do not have a chip in my head, are actually the thoughts planted in me through the chip to make me feel more confused