Diary *Possible TW*

I was at a store to buy bread and I saw someone come up to me and started conversing. I could feel that it was not real (?) but I was not fully sure. So I engaged in the conversation with her. It went on for about 2-3 minutes. I am pretty sure now that I was hallucinating. I hope I did not make a mockery out of myself in public at the store.

Some fears have been a part of your life for so long that you almost do not know what it is like without those fears. You do not know what it would feel without those fears. Those fears becomes a dull ache at the back of your head. You see yourself automatically doing things to manage those fears and manage yourself. It is almost like a reflex action or perhaps a learned response.

Then there are all those 'what ifs.' What if I did X? What if I responded in a Y way? What if I had not done Z? The list goes on and on. Those 'what ifs' are also fear inducing. That what if something bad happens?

I have been admitted and hospitalized in the past but it always has been voluntarily. I have gotten myself to the hospital one way or another. I have this constant worry that what if something happens and I loose my mind completely. That what if something happens that leads to having me admitted and hospitalized involuntarily and I get locked away.

I am trying to do everything that I can to not let anything like that happen. I have gotten help and I continue to get help. I hope all that is enough and I can manage myself without falling short.

College has started. I will be trying out new methods to keep myself organized and to keep my stuff together. I am putting this here to measure my progress.

"When we are healing, the steps to empower ourselves often feel like we've been given feathers to fight fearsome monsters. But our journey out of the darkness is made of a series of small choices and actions that gently steer us toward the light. Remember, what your adult considers too little is a daring, courageous challenge for your inner child. Jeanne McElvaney

"Your growth comes not as you work harder to get something you don

*TW for mention of assault*

I remember him sitting with me on his bed. He was tickling me and we were both laughing together over the jokes he was making. I was laughing uncontrollably and fell flat on the bed. He was still tickling me over my chest and neck when his hands started moving down towards my legs. He was trying to tickle me on my thighs. I did not realize when that tickling turned into him rubbing me down there over my clothing.

I started getting so scared. I realized that he was doing something that he should not be doing but I was frozen. I was a kid. He said that it will be a fun thing to do when he got my clothes out of the way to do it.

I am never getting myself as whole back and I am never going to forget what he did or the times he did it.

Why is that when I am anxious or think about my abuser, that I seem to start seeing and hearing things more that are not there. Why does trying my best to stay rooted in reality does not work when I really need it to work to calm my thoughts.

Why do I sometimes hallucinate that all the colors are swirling if I look at something too colorful. Sometimes it can be interesting to see them swirling but often it is a headache and a distraction. Only if there were not so many colors in a form that I am filling now. I almost wish that everything was monochrome (?).

Venting here helps.

Today has been difficult to manage. I had an appointment with my doctor today but I did not go. Her secretary called me but I did not pick up. I did try to go. I got ready to go, but the moment I stepped outside, I hallucinated seeing a tree outside coming towards me. The tree was going to strangle me.

I was scared to go becuase I am scared of being strangled by that tree. I can make out that this is a delusion, but I do not want to take any chances or risk anything since that tree is still outside. The last thing I want is for that to come true. I cannot always tell or be sure of it.

The only thing I am sure of is that, I feel more relaxed staying at home becusse that tree is outside and not inside my home. It also has gotten slowly better since morning.

Often I wonder what is reality? Is my reality the same as yours? Is your reality the same as mines? Do we all perceive everything differently?

The voices I hear or the things I see, are a part of my reality. They might not be a reality for anyone else but they are real to me. Even if it is something that my chemically unbalanced mind is cooking up to sabotage what I see and perceive. Does that warrants my reality to be discarded or stick a label on my head. I am not a schizophrenic. I am a human with schizophrenia. There is a difference.

My first stay at the hospital, missed school. I was not able to do simple tasks. A staff member helped me with combing my hair, brushing my teeth and washing my face. I had never felt so dependent.

When the voices degrades you and tells you to harm yourself, it gets hard to feel good about yourself. Saying - Did you try saying stop to your abuser? No, I did not. Did you ever told an adult and maybe they could have made it stop? No, I never told anyone. Did you enjoy it?

Mom, I wish we were close.

"Snap out of it" - I am trying but it is really hard?

"No one is there. Stop screaming" - No one is there but I can see someone and I feel scared?

"Speak clearly. I can't understand" - I know how to speak but I have trouble speaking and forming sentences on the spot. The medication I take makes my mouth do jerking movements. How do I control it because I would like to?

Mom, I have a love and hate relationship with you. I know deep down you care about me, even if you do not know how to show it.

I thought about writing down the episode that I am having, using writing as a tool to cope.

I am sitting in the kitchen and I am hallucinating seeing three people. All three of them are really tall (about 7 feet) girls. They are wearing various clothing that seem to be taken out from my wardrobe. All three of them seem very well behaved. One of them is talking to me about how she wants to succeed in her future career. The second one is roaming around the kitchen, inspecting any corner for dust or grime. The third one is only sitting in the kitchen and rocking herself. She is not talking much.

I am having some delusions that I need to cook them dinner. I am making soup and roasting some vegetables. I think that would make a nice dinner. This hallucination seems relatively pleasant than other episodes I have had in the past. Atleast none of these hallucinations are mimicking the voice of my abuser or degrading me.

The first girl I am hallucinating is making some really good points about how she wants to excel in her career. The second one has not found any grime or dust, thankfully. The third one is looks nervous.

I have roasted the vegetables and the soup is still cooking. I have also called someone from family to ask if I can stay over with them.

Overall I am composed and collected during it.