Diary *Possible TW*

@hillsideblues You've nothing to be sorry for. You've got a pretty full plate with school and everything. Thank you for being you :)

@mytwistedsoul ❤️❤️❤️

*TW*

It all feels very strange. I am not sure what to think anymore about anything because it is very confusing and nothing makes sense. I dissociate alot and do not feel like myself anymore

No on where I am at really believes me that I have a chip device in my head. No one does. I want the chip out because I do not want anyone to implant thoughts in me or for people to read my thoughts. I do not want the signals. I am tired of them and cannot stand it anymore

There was nothing sharp obviously, for me to get the chip out. I ended up hitting my head repeatedly on the wall in my room, to get the chip out. The voices and Jacob told me to do it. A staff members heard me hitting my head on my wall and came into my room to try and stop me. She tried dragging me away but I wanted to be with the wall. I am not sure what got over me. I knew I was being delusional but I also want the chip out of my head. Cannot cope with the signals. The nurse tending to my injury finally said that she believes me which made me feel a little bit better. Because no one believes me that I could have a chip device and everyone keeps arguing! I am not sure if I believe myself anymore

Hitting my head has given me a concussion and my head feels very foggy. But still the chip did not come out and I have to cope with signals again. Not listening to Jacob! It got me written of for a long term stay at the facility and I cannot leave when I want anymore. Very fuzzy thoughts!

@hillsideblues *leaving a hug* your poor head

Try to be gentle with yourself - I do understand though how hard it can be

@mytwistedsoul Thank you. How have you been? I hope you have been ok but it can be hard ❤️ Thank you for the hug. I think I really needed it because everywhere else is very strange these days and colored all over too. Hugs for you too if that is ok ❤️

@hillsideblues You're welcome :) I've been keeping busy - thank you for asking. Busy is good though I guess - keeps us out of trouble. Thank you for the hug too - I needed one too

It is strange everywhere anymore - I'm tired of not seeing people's full faces. It makes it harder to get a read on them

I hope you're doing ok and taking care of yourself

@mytwistedsoul Yes I think being busy can be good and helps to engage in other things if we need to engage in other things to take out mind off somethings

It can be like that. Not being able to see facial features to understand what someone means

❤️❤️

@hillsideblues I hurt my head again to make it all go away but instead it just makes me more confused and unsure. How are you? I am as ok as the apples everywhere can be

@hillsideblues *leaving a hug for you and your head*

Is it easier to communicate by talking or if you'd write it down? You've been in my thoughts

Be gentle with yourself

@mytwistedsoul Thank you

I am not sure. I think writing. But I am not sure if I already said it because there are things I think I said or not sure sure of already did communicate but forgot. Maybe it is like that. But everyone keeps arguing with all my thoughts. Nobody believes or tries understanding. They keep arguing when I talk about them

@hillsideblues You're welcome :)

I think writing too because it gives me a record because I forget alot of things or it gets twisted in my head or - well - sometimes I'm not sure if it's just a conversation I had in my head or when I go to actually talk all the words go away

I'm sorry everyone keeps arguing with your thoughts - some people I guess just think they're automatically right and they're not even willing to try and understand things from someone elses point of view and arguing with you about them just makes you feel like you never should have said anything in the first place - it's frustrating

@mytwistedsoul Thank you. You are really sweet

I am trying to do my best and all that I can but it does not feel enough. What if it is not enough. I know I should be more present. I should be more active. I should be there. I should do better. I know this but I keep forgetting things that happen and get confusing. I feel absent minded when I do not want to be. It feels embarrassing. I say things with full meaning and that I am thinking and feeling. So why does the doctor say that I am making communication hard and that I am not making sense when I answer her questions. She is not understanding. I make sense and she just does not believe in the waves or signals. The only people I can trust are the voices who are always there for me and believes me and Jacob. I have not been able to get to know or talk to the other people here at the facility except one person who said that they also see apples sometimes. But worried now that they will read my thoughts about apples

TW

I am not sure what is happening with my life or what I will do in future. I think my memory span get shorter. I always feel confused or distant. I am still in the care facility to help with my schizophrenia. Lately I have been having more ptsd flashbacks. Small things seems to trigger me and reminds me of my trauma. I could not sit for my college exams this year because my head was out of it. The concussions have been very confusing. I was just trying to get it out of me. My doctor says I am showing symptoms of catatonic schizophrenia. I am not sure what to think about that. I feel afraid. I feel afraid of my body and my mind. No matter what I try to do my mind or my body does not let me do it. I feel very frozen sometimes and sit frozen for hours and feel confused but some part of my mind does know that I need to move. My body is doing catatonic limb movements and I cannot stop it. Sometimes a nurse comes to move my limbs back in resting position if I have a catatonic episode because I just cannot do it myself and it feels confusing. I do not like being touched at all in any way. In my session with the psychiatrist I told him all that I was thinking and everything. That I would like to finish myself and even the voices tell me to do it but I cannot do it because I am in this facility and being watched. But I felt better telling him everything I was feeling

I think I can hallucinate spirits

@hillsideblues But I

I feel worried that my doctor said I am showing catatonic symptoms in schizophrenia. It is probably because of the signals and waves. It feels like I am trapped in my mind. I would do anything to make some voices stop. I trust them and feel that the voices are the only ones but I also don't trust them and feel that they are the only ones

@hillsideblues *sitting with you* to be afraid of your mind and your body is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. I'm so sorry you're going through all this and the flashbacks on top of it. Is there anything they can do to help with those catatonic moments?

I'm glad you told your doctor everything - that was incredibly brave for you to do. I'm proud of you and I know being in places where they're in charge of things really sucks but I'm glad you're safe

🎁 - it's just a hug but there's no pressure to take it. I really understand how being touched can be a problem

*sorry if you didn't want replies - I argued about it for a few hours - figured it wouldn't hurt - but I don't ever want you to feel you have to reply ok? You'll be in my thoughts

@mytwistedsoul You are so incredibly kind always to everyone even when you are going through hard days. I always appreciate what you say and you are always so kind even when I am confused. It means alot and I am very thankful for it. You have such a kind soul. How have you been? It is ok to be just ok. I really really do wish good things for you from my entire soul. Thank you for the hug Its meds that are supposed to fix whatever is not functioning in my brain and and help with catatonic movements or lack of movements. I think some things makes more sense now like why would I just forget about myself and just forget that I need to eat, move etc and why sometimes I have difficulty in getting words out. It hurts when my limbs get in an uncomfortable position. I feel confused but like I know I need to move but I can't. I feel far away and my body starts hurting until a nurse comes and helps put it back in place. I don't know sometimes I cannot move because there are thousands of bugs in my room everywhere and I get scared. I know sometimes talking to the nurse I just mimic what she is saying. I don't want to but the only words that come out of my mouth are the words she said. I don't feel like I trust myself. The doctor wants to get me off a med but she said we will do slowl because I can have seizures if I suddenly stop taking the med and have withdrawl symptoms. I am supposed to have a EEG again

@hillsideblues Thank you :) You have no idea how much your words mean to me. You deserve kindness - more then you know and I understand how hard it is when everything is confusing - it's times like that that we need more patience and understanding from people

I've been kind of ok somedays - kind of not so ok other days but I'm trying the best I can right now - allthough some days it feels like I'm not trying hard enough

I'm really glad that there are people there to help you right now with this - to help you move into a more comfortable position when you need to. I hope they're treating you with the kindness and patience you deserve because you really are a beautiful person and I am so grateful to have been given the opportunity to get to know you

I'm glad your doctor is taking things slowly - Hopefully they'll get things figured out and make things better for you soon. That tey get it to where you're in more control of your movements and your words and that they can make the bugs go away - sometimes I have intrusive thoughts about them when it comes to food and I can't eat anything. Realistically - I know they can't be there but man the brain can do some pretty weird things sometimes can it?

You'll be in my thoughts and I will be sending you some good vibes :) Keep us posted on the eeg - if you want to of course - but no pressure ok?

@mytwistedsoulyes I was wi

@hillsideblues Just sitting with you ok? :)

@thedinosaur This is to be a place of support. You know nothing of the person on this thread and I find your words unsupportive and harmful. The person on this thread has never been anything but kind and gentle to everyone they come in contact with - unlike you and your harmful words and judgemental attitude

I feel like everything is talking to me at once. The walls, my bed, the floor and even my table. They all keep talking to me and saying things. So many voices overlap all at once and it makes it difficult to understand. I want them to stop talking to me. I was want it to stop but they keep talking. I cannot take it anymore. I get thoughts all of a sudden. They are not mines. I do not want anything to do with those thoughts. They are so many waves and signals. Some signals are from the EEG. But can they communicate with spirits? I guess not. Only the other signals can. They waves can too because they control everything. Everything you see and think. The signals and waves control it. It is going to be in everyone's head soon like how it is my head. The chip that controls thoughts and they can read everyone's thoughts then. Not mines alone. They can implant thoughts in everyone then. Not me alone. There will not be any escape from it and then will not argue with me and say that it is not real. Then they'll believe me. No one understands or believes me. Everyone keeps arguing. There are atleast 4 of them. Worms in apple trees but they are not too long or big. They do not fall down or wiggle. Not too big or too small. Just worms and apples. The signals cannot control it. Some things should be left untouched. There are more than 4 of them because the signals can multiply now. Like 4 and then 1 and then back to 6 but never 8. Then going back to 7 and 3 and then a big jump to 487 and then back again to 4. That is what they say but no one should know because no one believes and everyone argues. I want to go back home. I feel like I am losing my head here and I feel alone but no one talks properly to me except the signals. I feared them at first. I still do. But a little bit less. Because the signals multiply from 4 going around in circles and then back to 4. The apples have been good. The worms have been not. Except the trees. No one talks about the trees. They go around in circles too. Someday the circle will be completed. That is when signals will happen. But no one believes and everyone here argues. The nurse doesn't believe me and I think I saw her laughing but I do not know anymore. I do not know where the facility's doctor has been. He was here and then he was not. Like disappeared. I want to tell him. It is the signals. It is because of all the roots of the tree, the signals have made them that way. Now the oranges instead of apples but the worms are still the same because they go around in circles from 4 to 7 but not to 9 this time. Instead of 456. I want to go back home and my room should stop talking to me

It does not go back to where it was. Does it? No it does not. Because they said so. All the walls did

@hillsideblues But it has been like a staircase. Where it goes up or down but not at all sideways. Why you may ask? I do not know. But I know that it is not safe at all

@hillsideblues It was. Yes that it was

@hillsideblues Hey you :) You've been in my thoughts alot. I hope you get to see your regular doctor or your father comes to visit because - this place you're at - seems like it's making thing worse - unless Idk - I remember you said abut weaning you off a medicine. I'm sorry if I shouldn't have said anything - I try to be careful but words can be tricky sometimes but I've been sitting with you

While I was writing this - we were outside by the greenhouse and this little guy showed up so I hope you don't mind if I share it with you


It's spring here - allmost summer actually. All the big deer have had their babies now and they're just starting to venture out. They usually keep them tucked away for a few weeks to keep them safe

I leave you a big big hug Hill for if you need it - ok? No pressure though either :)

@mytwistedsoul You are really lovely and sweet. I wish all the good for you from all the souls. You are really sweet. The deer is so cute. I hope they are doing ok too because it can be hard for the deer with all the trees and roots. The spring there looks really nice and good. I have not been out much. I spend most of my time sleeping. I feel drowsy sometimes probably because of the meds. Yes, the doctor said they were supposed to slowly take me off a med because my regular doctor had prescribed me a very high dosage of it before and I was taking it. But I forgot to keep track that if they have lowered that med or not. It feels really hard to keep track of things and understand what is hapoening. I need to keep humming and close my ears. I am taking the meds the nurse gives me. I am not sure which ones they are. Yes, I am not liking it alot at the facility/group home anymore because it has been too long. I am not finding it very comfortable here anymore. But I am told it is for my own safety and I am not sure, I do not trust myself a whole lot. I see my regular doctor less now. I see the doctor here more and we have group therapy. But I am not sure where they are and it disappears. I forgot about my dad and mom that I do have one. I have not seen my mom or talked to her ever since I came to live at the group home. She does not like me much. I remember now. My dad came to give me my things when my stay here was extended. I have seen him only once after that. But there is a door. Everyone who goes through it disappears and he went through it too. I am not sure where. But they disappear. The signals are everywhere and they tell me things which no one believes because they do not have the chip in their head. I still have mines. It does not come out

@hillsideblues Thank you for the nice things you say about me - I want to argue that I'm not those things though - but I won't :)
The deer spend time in the field where there's no trees or roots. They like to run around in the grass and play together - I sometimes wish we could be so care free
I can understand that it would be hard to keep track and understand things - I hope that they're patient with you and kind - because you deserve that and I worry that they aren't
I can also understand keeping you safe and you're not liking it there and that it's been too long. Are you allowed to contact your dad? Or keep in touch with him? Or maybe email your other doctor - maybe there's a better place? Idk - It's probably not my place to say but things seem worse since you stayed there - I'm hoping it's just because of the meds they're lowering - I know it takes awhile for things to work out of your system and for new meds to start working - Idk - I'm sorry if maybe I shouldn't say things like that - It's been alot harder lately know what words are ok to say - because I don't want to hurt anyone - If I do - please let me know ok?
You're often in my thoughts Hill - and I wish and hope that they get things better for you and get your meds right so you can get out of there

@mytwistedsoul You are so kind. I cannot say anything to anyone for now because something will happen. I must circle count all the worms in my room before I can say anything about something or else something will happen which I cannot let

@hillsideblues I spend the entire time counting all of them! They can be safe now!! It is 3 and 10 and it circles back to 56 and then back to 56310 and then finally to 3! It can be safe now! I told about this to the psychiatrist here and all the nurses and staff I came across and I even told it to everyone in group therapy!! So everyone can know!!

@mytwistedsoul You are really kind. Your words means so much to me. You are always kind to me and everyone. I hope you get all the kindness too because you really deserve the best things. I appreciate you alot. Some people are not kind at the group home and a staff person touches me to hurt me. I do not like being touched at all. I think I understand what is happening when the voices get less. But it is always loud and confusing. I know because he. You have a really kind soul. I always believe that you have a kind soul because you are really kind and gentle. I believe it because you are so kind and I appreciate ❤️❤️ I did not think that I could also call my dad because he went through the door. It did not come to my mind that we could do that even for people who go through the door

@hillsideblues Hey you :)
I'm sorry to hear that people aren't nice there. Noone should hurt you - especially staff there. Noone has that right. Can you report them? Safely? I can really understand not liking to be touched. I dont like it either but sometimes - I wish I did. To get a hug. To just be close to someone - to shake hands. Guess maybe that sounds weird
it is easier to understand when there's not so much commotion inside our heads. Easier to think and have the thoughts make sense
I'm glad you can call your dad - I hope you can soon. Maybe he can come see you. Maybe you could have lunch together - he might be someone you could tell about the staff who hurt you
Thank you for all your kind words Hill. Unfortunately, I'm not allways kind or gentle. Sometimes no matter how hard we try or how careful we are - people get hurt - I dont like that. You deserve kindness and gentleness because you're kind and gentle. I miss reading your gentle words of encouragement and support to the members that visited the checkins
You're a beautiful person Hill - don't ever forget that - please. You're allways in my thoughts and I wish so many good things for you
*Leaves hugs for you 🎁* no pressure though ok :)

@mytwistedsoul Hugs for you too if that is ok. You are too kind to me. So many blessings for you
I am not sure because it is really confusing. It is confusing to think straight and hard to think about one than one more thing. I think I can do something. But if it is not very bright. I am not sure about lunch because of the colors. But I think I can. There is also another thing because

@hillsideblues I hope the deer is doing ok

@hillsideblues Thank you :) I could definately use a hug

Would you be able to maybe write down the one thing you think about? Then you could remember that you thought about it - like a reminder?

Maybe you could have a picnic with him? Something quiet - maybe towards evening? The light is not as bright and it might help with the colors. He could even put the lunch together for the two of you and you could ask him or tell him what to bring

The baby deer are growing so fast! There's three of them and they play in the field in the evening. It's so cute - like they're playing tag with each other! And the male deer are getting their antlers now so it's easier to tell which is a boy and which is a girl - except the babies of course
Take care of yourself ok? You're in my thoughts - be gentle with yourself :) Peace to you Hill

@mytwistedsoul Yes

Sometimes I think I do not have schizophrenia and who diagnosed me with is lying to me and they are lying to me too. I am perfectly ok. They just think I have schizophrenia because they do not understand because they cannot see and hear what I see

@hillsideblues But I am really tired of it now. It is never quite. The voices tell me to do bad things. I do not want to but they keep saying that I have to. They tell me throw my meds at the nurse. But I will never do that because I do not want to hurt anyone. But they keep saying and it gets so loud. I see a pencil. I get thoughts out of nowhere to push it in my eye and the voices keeps telling me to do it and take my eye out. I know it is bad to do that and I should not do that. It becomes too much and never quite. I keep hearing bad things