Diary *Possible TW*

At often times it seems like I have been with the symptoms more than I have been without them. I do not remember exactly what was the first symptom. Although I remember hearing his voice often and some other seemingly random things at first, obscenities being shouted at me. At the start I remember seeing flashes and lines on people's faces. Often I saw shadowy figures or objects moving from the corner of my eyes. I was too scared to tell anyone. I thought I was losing my mind or if I wait for a while maybe it will go away?

It sometimes feels hard to determine what is real or not real? I think being aware that these are symptoms and practicing reasoning, helps me to determine what is reality. Currently my mind is stuck in some embarrassing delusions involving doorknobs wanting to communicate and even saw some facial features on them. Thought process and speaking seems disorganized.

Why are reality checks sometimes confusing when it seems like you might be in psychosis 24/7.

A delusional thought that has troubled me for a long time is that other people can implant thoughts in my head. It makes me question that are these thoughts that I have, are they my original thoughts or did some other people implant these thoughts in my head

It gets confusing at times because of the delusion. It seems like the logical side of me fights with these delusional thoughts in my mind. But it still feels too much and the delusional thoughts feels strong

But other people can influence our thinking pattern, can't they?

Sometimes I am not very sure if all the thoughts I have are mines and if I am me. Or if all the thoughts I have are implanted in me by other people and I am carrying everyone else's thoughts. It makes me question my sense of identity

*TW just incase*

Some things feels really mushed up and confusing. It has been taking me a while to understand conversations. It seems that I am going at my own pace to comprehend and process conversations being made with me. That pace is slow

A voice that I have heard for most of my life, I do not specifically like that voice but I have heard it for so many years that it almost feels like something consistent in my life and I have started to care for that voice

That voice and another voice have been arguing alot lately. That voice keeps saying that she will burn herself, which has been making me feel worried. I would like the arguments to stop and I would not want the voice to do anything that would harm her

I realize that voices are not real but I do not want to hear arguments. I have heard that voice for so long and I do not want her to say that she will burn herself because I care for her and it worries me

I have been trying to listen to music to drown out the voices. It has started to seem like the singers in the music have taken up the tone of the voices I am a hearing and are arguing?

I also did something that I am happy about. When I was sleeping, I woke up because of hearing doors banging, sounds of window glass breaking and laughter. No one was actually there, so I went back to sleep and ignored all the voices. I did not let them keep me up all night

I am not responding very well to meds, that is something I think I am pretty sure about. I am not sure if it is because I am getting resistant to them or if my doctor has not really found the combination or dosage of meds that works for me

Every month I visit my doctor. She asks me how I am doing and what symptoms I am experiencing. Sometimes there is blood work involved. Based on what I tell her, she increases or decreases a med or adds or subtracts a med. It makes me feel like being experimented on

I had an appointment with my doctor today. I was meant to see her on Thursday. She told me about treatment resistant schizophrenia signs. She told me that early childhood onset of symptoms have a chance of worsened prognosis and the fact that I took so long to get help. For most part of my childhood, I ignored the symptoms and was just scared. I only started looking for help and got diagnosed much later at the end of my teens. She said that schizophrenia was left untreated for most part of growing up and that potentially worsens things

I regret some things now. I think being in psychosis so many times without meds somehow fried my mind

*TW just incase*

Positive symptoms- Seeing shadow figures again. No face, just human shaped shadows. They seem to move really fast from the corner of my eye. Voices speaking in broken words, no full sentences. Tone gets loud sometimes. Some of them command auditory hallucinations, telling me to take a glass from the kitchen and break it on myself. Very distracting. No delusions for now. Disorganized

Negative symptoms- Do not want to speak much. Speech still very flattened out. (My doctor said to practice speaking with facial/tone expressions in front of a mirror so I can learn to create facial expressions and speak with expressive tone because they do not naturally occur even though I feel emotions in my heart??)

Cognitive symptoms- some problems with attention

What to believe when all voices say it was your fault and you somehwere believe that too

*TW just incase*

This is to hold myself accountable

I wish I had a hold on the voices. Why do I give into them? It gets too much and I give into them. This is where I should hold strong. This is where I should not give into them. This is where I should use coping strategies, but sometimes it is too hard

I gave into particular command auditory hallucinations. Regretted it so much soon afterwards. The nurse at the ER was really kind when taking out the broken glass shards out of my hands and cleaning them. She did not say much but her actions felt like she cared, even if I have a problem with physical touch. All she said was "everything will be ok" and I think that is all I needed to hear to feel a sense of safety inside me

Feeling scared again of seeing things again. When the shadows are very close to the wall, it looks like they are inside