Diary *Possible TW*

@hillsideblues Hill - I'm so very very sorry. I won't overwhelm you with alot of words but I am sending you so much strength and love ❤️ Please be gentle with yourself

@mytwistedsoul thank you. blessings for you ❤

my rainbow baby is the brightest star ❤

You were conceived out of acts of violence on me. I'll be honest with you that at first I was very scared and did not know what to do. I felt lost. But I could not let anything happen to you. You are the most beautiful for me and I love you with all my heart. I hope you did not feel that your coming into this world was as violent as when you were conceived. I hope you did not feel alone or scared or in pain during your time in this world. I hope you know that I love you

@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️ I just wanted to check in on you. How are you Hill? There's no pressure to reply though ok?

@mytwistedsoul Thank you so much for you words and hugs. They means so so very much ❤❤❤

@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️ You're very welcome Hill - I'm still sending those hugs ❤️❤️

I keep hearing you cry and I've to tell myself that its not real. But I wish it was because that would mean you are still here with me. I miss you and I want to keep seeing you. There is a small funeral for you. I thought it'll be the right thing to do. But now I don't think so. I don't want tomorrow to come. I want to keep seeing you but they'll take you away for the funeral and I don't want that. I'm being selfish maybe. You deserve a peaceful rest. But I wish you were still here. I waited so much for you and bought cozy clothes and blankets and toys that I thought you'll like. Now what should I do with them. I made it windy. I tried to be careful. Did the chip really get to you even though I tried to protect you from it. Where did I fall short. Do you know that I'm your mom. Did you recognize me when I held you. I wish you did. I hope you recognized me and saw me clearly. I wish I was there in the nicu and not passed out. Did you feel like all the stranger doctor and nurses were around you. You didn't even knew them. It must've felt scary. I wish I was there. But my dad was there with you when you closed your eyes forever in the nicu. Did you recognize him. He wasn't a stranger like the doctor and nurses. He was family. You were with family. I really hope that made it less scary for you. Did you recognize him. I didn't count enough times all the way from small to big and did you recognize me. I think it's gets morning and night and again it repeats. And if I could change something. Did you recognize me

@hillsideblues Hey you :) You've been in my thoughts ❤️

*still sending hugs to you* ❤️

@mytwistedsoul Thank you ❤️ I wish everything will be ok and straight and does not feel like plastic

I think the other day it wasn't so less as it was more in the shapes. I don't like touching plastic at all. I think it's stretchy and I see reflection. I don't like how plastic makes me feel. It hurts my csection wounds. It's been day and night and it repeated like the same for the same day and night and it was repeating a few times. And inside all the few it was hurtful. And hurtful to sit or bend. The glass window is another thing. It has reflection but I'm pretty sure it doesn't have plastic because it has glass!! It's called a glass window and not a plastic window!! But how is it reflecting. I don't like glass now if it's plastic. I don't like touching it. It's very slippery. It hurts everywhere to sit. I think one thing is the bowl. And the other thing is what happens. Because of round shapes and increasing. I don't know who is saying what. How do I figure out if the voice is coming from a real human person or the voice is coming from something THE PLASTIC. I don't know? I know that it hurts. It's like I don't want to touch it. It feels weird and I'm not sure where are the bugs. I wish I can drown in bugs. If they can get from 127 to 4949. I counted all of them because I'm good. It's the right things to do and I'm scared if I missed any bug but no don't be scared. The bugs aren't plastic!!!!

I try a new technique to not mix up numbers and not to forget when I'm counting bugs because it's very stressful to count them correctly and I can't do with stress anymore. I'll see how it goes with paper and maybe things will change from many to small like the bugs. Which are small but many. I don't like talking. I never know now if what a real person saying to me are there voice real and is the voice really coming from a real person. I don't understand and its becoming more hard to understand what is the real voice from a real person. What to do and who to trust now. Nothing can be trusted because is it coming from real people and people who are real or is it like a thing which mixed up. My dad helped me brush my hair. I had forgotten to brush them since a few weeks I just remembered. But I forgot I was supposed to do that. Something happened to my body I started clapping really hard again when I didn't want to clap. My body automatically did it. All the clapping makes the glass cuts on my hands hurt a bit more. It hurt when he made me do sexual things. I was only a child. And it comes to my mind and then I feel very blank. It's like I'm only myself for a few hours in a day and the rest is just feeling very blank and starring. Why did he do it I was a child. And now I need to count like with numbers which are from the number groups because my hands hurt and also my body. It still hurts to sit up and also sit up or stand up suddenly. It makes me feel dizzy. But only if I count without stress than it'll be better. It's the right thing to do

My baby's clothes and blankets which I bought for my baby

I am making a list

@hillsideblues I didn't add to my list that I saw my baby!! I miss him so much. I want to listen to him. And then all the colors can move. I had a seizure 2 days back and fell down. But only noticed today that it made a bruise on my back. It didn't hurt. Maybe because of my list

@hillsideblues There are things that we keep a secret from really mean people who say really mean things that feel very hurtful because they'll use things to say very mean things and shout again. Just shout really loudly. I can hear in low voice as well. I don't like loud shouting. Specially loud shouting of mean things

But this time all the shouting can go to its own place in the throats of the people where it comes from. It is inside the throat. I think I can keep secret. I'm not an ungrateful daughter like my mom says. I don't try to do anything bad and mean. The scar on my cheek isn't going away fully because I did bad to try take out stitches before

Now I don't look. I can just not look because there is nothing to look like the baskets

@hillsideblues Hey you :) I was thinking about you earlier today. How are you?

I don't like shouting either or loud voices. I hope you don't hear many mean things. You deserve to hear good things

I don't think you're ungrateful ever Hill. That's just something she says because she knows it hurts you 😞 You're a good - kind - thoughtful person Hill. Try not to let anything she says weigh on you but I know it can be hard not to think of things like that

*Sends hugs* ❤️

@mytwistedsoul Thank you ❤ Thank you for the hugs. To you too if that's ok ❤

Shouting is bad no one should shout to say bad things

If I investigate loud from throats then I can finish it all. I've so many investigations I need to make a list and then I can do all investigations without sleeping

If the chair doesnt feel good looking at it because it is giving out signals which is bad and no one should be going towards it. Which is good because it's at home and no one really comes to home. So everyone is safe. It can be from another dimension. The same dimension in which the shadow people are from. They're from another dimension. It's also something I'm investigating. I'm also investigating loud voices from throats that goes and floats in the room and than they land in my ear. I don't like hearing loud voices and I need to investigate how to stop making them float in the room so much. I'm pretty sure it can interfere with all the colors which are only there because the outlines are holding them in. If something happens because interfere than the outlines move and colors will start coming out and go to another dimension. It shouldn't happen. I felt really hungry all of a sudden. And investigate why. It doesn't feel. I was eating and again the 2 girls without any lips or nose came to stare at me and make me feel bad about eating. I hate it. I hate them so much. Please go away. I don't like you staring at me!!!! I wanted to throw the ball at them because they never leave!!! It fell on my own head accidentally becahse they are so tall and their face on the ceiling always and they don't move. I don't want to see. I don't want to be stared. It'll never stop it'll only stop when my eyes go and loud voices floating in the air. No one has a proper face. Always eyes missing or lips missing or no face. Everything feels hazy in faces when I look and it doesn't make sense because of the chip inside my mind. It's making it all difficult because of the chip which has to leave me

@hillsideblues I want to be with my baby it doesn't happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️ I'm sitting with you ok? I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. I wish there was something I could do or say to ease your pain. You're in my thoughts and I'm sending you a million hugs ❤️

@mytwistedsoul thank you for the hug. ❤️❤️ I hope you're ok and there aren't any bad dangerous chairs near you? Because they can't reach 351 the number I count

@hillsideblues Hey you :) I'm ok thank you ❤️ the chairs here are nice comfortable ones and there's only three of them

How are you Hill?! I hope you're doing your best to take care of yourself. Resting and eating good foods and drinking water

A million hugs to you ❤️

@mytwistedsoul thank you ❤️ I'm happy that your chairs are nice and I hope their colors don't start leaking or else it can be really bad. I'm ok I keep losing alot of time. I think and rest of the time feel a confused about what's happening and what I'm seeing . But I'm ok. I hope you're also ok. Hugs for you too ❤️

@hillsideblues I'm sorry you're losing time. Tbh it's been bad for me lately too. It seems to just disappear and days past and it's confusing because where did it go?

@mytwistedsoul Yes I don't know where it goes because time clocks can be really bad at night time because they've time inside when you open it. I like Easter but this time I'll do alot like walk 3 times in my room

❤️ the biggest ever hug to you and I hope you're not feeling any pain anymore ❤️

I think my dad is planning to take some days off from work for holidays of his eoek be goes to job which means he'll be at home. I try to help at home but I think also the lights. I don't go so then I just eat dinner and they still stare. But I will try help more

@hillsideblues Hey you :) Did you have a nice holiday with your father? Do you do anything special to celebrate?

I hope you're doing ok *sends hugs* ❤️

@mytwistedsoul thank you for the hugs. I went out to eat with my dad after very long but it was so loud there and so many things were happening everywhere. It made me feel upset and I had a seizure so we just went home and I had another seizure and saw the future. I hope you're ok ❤❤

@hillsideblues Hey you :) I'm sorry it's be so long. It can be really confusing and overwhelming when there's so much going on when we're in public. I'm sorry you had a couple of seizures. It's good your dad was with you and he got you home safely. Have you had any more seizures since then? *Sends more hugs* ❤️

@mytwistedsoul Sorry I've been gone into another reality because I think I was zoning out and kept forgetting. I have seizures sometimes. How are you? I hope you're ok. You're so kind to me. Hugs for you as well ❤️❤️

@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️ absolutely nothing for you to be sorry for Hill. I'm so happy to see you! I'm so sorry to hear about the seizures 😞 have they been getting worse?

@mytwistedsoul my seizures are not in the new reality because of the trees and I didn't draw. There is no pencils in the new reality but alot of lights in pencil shape. I'm sorry things are not ok. You're so kind to me. I pray that the universe and all good things are also kind to you and help you so that you can have alot of trees for shade from bad things. And they also keep you safe from the new reality when it's out of outlines of the colors. You're so kind. I'll wish the hummingbird to give you trees and I hope you feel ok ❤️❤️❤️

@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️ Trees are great aren't they? There are alot of trees here. No seizures in the new reality sounds like a good thing. How are you Hill? I hope you're eating and taking good care of yourself. I hope your father's doing good too. You're such a kind and gentle person and I hope and wish for many good things for you too. You deserve so much kindness Hill

@mytwistedsoul thank you ❤ I'm ok. I'm not here and only the bugs are here I saw them in the sky last night so I also made them sit and then went to sleep

I figured out how everything changes when clocks needles move

I did go tonight out but it wasn't enough because I lost the way but then again I think on the road outside our home. But I don't like the color in

I feel really sleepy but i had something like a door come from the room. I think I'm just scared of bad people and want to hide from bad people who are everywhere. I think everyone should hide until all the bad people are gone to the trees and its not scary then. But now it's scary because the wall and stairs. I think what did i do. I don't like being hurt and bad people my uncle friends. I don't like it