Diary *Possible TW*

@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️ Just a few more days! Omgosh you much be so excited! I'm so proud of you Hill. I really really mean that

Again hearing some noises like water in pipes and metal hitting metal kind of noise. And they're all with big echoes. It makes me feel so many vibrations and gets dizzy. I'm supposed to see my doctor on Thursday. There are too many vibrations everywhere. I'll tell her this. I hope it goes well. I think I went again into some catatonic state. But I think it only happened for a few minutes. I'm not sure. I don't like it. I was brushing my hair and my body got very rigid with my hand and comb still in my hair. I couldn't move myself at all and couldn't speak. My dad saw luckily and took my comb from my hand and put my arm down. We just waited until I was able to make myself move again

I hope everything will be ok ❤

I hope I've the baby soon. It's been past the date and every day my anxiety just increase and worry if the baby will be ok. I really want everything to be ok. It makes me worry sometimes that if it's happening because I don't want my mom to be near me and because I don't want to talk to my mom because she is mean and bullies me and if I'm being mean back not wanting to talk. And the shadow people didn't like that and want to punish me. I heard them say something but I couldn't really make out exactly what they were talking about. But I heard some snippets so I'm pretty sure they were talking about me and my baby and how many texts from my mom I've blocked and don't answer her calls. I think they're conspiring against me! I don't like anyone talking behind my back like that specially when my baby is involved. I feel betrayed because the shadow people have known me since I was a baby and I've known them since I was a baby. Now how can they conspire against me. I feel betrayed. I know I'm being watched by my doctor but will she be able to make all the conspiracies go away. The shadow people are very powerful. No one should underestimate them. Not even a doctor. I think everything just seems to be connecting now. The water in pipes sounds, the shadow people conspiring and hearing their conversation snippets and even seeing everything round. I always see everything round when the signals become scary and now I know that the water in pipes sound is actually the signals finding a new way to get to me and my baby. And I can't let that happen at all. I don't want my mom's wishes to come true that she hopes my baby will have a chip inside their brain. I'm willing to do anything my mom says if she can please take her wish back. I can't risk this at all because the risk is so big. I want my baby to be ok. Why did my mom had to wish that so many times. I'm willing to do anything she says. My mom had said she hopes signals gets to my baby and my baby grows up to be as disrespectful as I am I am to her. I don't want signals to get and now they've found a new way through the water pipes! And its coming true I don't want it to be

1/31/2023-1/31/2023

❤

my rainbow baby is the brightest star ❤

You were conceived out of acts of violence on me. I'll be honest with you that at first I was very scared and did not know what to do. I felt lost. But I could not let anything happen to you. You are the most beautiful for me and I love you with all my heart. I hope you did not feel that your coming into this world was as violent as when you were conceived. I hope you did not feel alone or scared or in pain during your time in this world. I hope you know that I love you

@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️ I just wanted to check in on you. How are you Hill? There's no pressure to reply though ok?

I keep hearing you cry and I've to tell myself that its not real. But I wish it was because that would mean you are still here with me. I miss you and I want to keep seeing you. There is a small funeral for you. I thought it'll be the right thing to do. But now I don't think so. I don't want tomorrow to come. I want to keep seeing you but they'll take you away for the funeral and I don't want that. I'm being selfish maybe. You deserve a peaceful rest. But I wish you were still here. I waited so much for you and bought cozy clothes and blankets and toys that I thought you'll like. Now what should I do with them. I made it windy. I tried to be careful. Did the chip really get to you even though I tried to protect you from it. Where did I fall short. Do you know that I'm your mom. Did you recognize me when I held you. I wish you did. I hope you recognized me and saw me clearly. I wish I was there in the nicu and not passed out. Did you feel like all the stranger doctor and nurses were around you. You didn't even knew them. It must've felt scary. I wish I was there. But my dad was there with you when you closed your eyes forever in the nicu. Did you recognize him. He wasn't a stranger like the doctor and nurses. He was family. You were with family. I really hope that made it less scary for you. Did you recognize him. I didn't count enough times all the way from small to big and did you recognize me. I think it's gets morning and night and again it repeats. And if I could change something. Did you recognize me

@hillsideblues Hey you :) You've been in my thoughts ❤️

*still sending hugs to you* ❤️