Diary *Possible TW*

@hillsideblues I have been thinking

I have to count all the dots that are in circles and just like that

I have to do it again because they are in my room everytime and just staring. Don't they get bored. Just stating and staring

All the dots but please only circles are broken!!!!

I feel better today. I feel like I achieved some things. I have been eating full 3 times in a day since the last week. I also got my pillow and blanket changed to make the faces disappear. I talked to the nurse about it. There is someone who lives here and his room is in the corridor as mines. I am scared of him. He cames to my room all of a sudden and started touching me. I hate being touched!! It just made my mind really blank out. But I told my therapist this and she said that we can have his room moved. So I feel happy about that now!

I feel sad today. Sometimes I feel sad all of a sudden and then it keeps feeling like that for so long. I don't know what happened. I feel like all the times it happened my mind completely blocked it out. But I knew something bad had happened. I was so scared. I didn't even properly understand it. I'm pregnant but I didn't want it. Emily says she knew all along it happening. I don't think I trust her anymore. The only good thing I feel like is that at least my dad took me back home from the facility. I just feel safer at home than the facility. My dad is mad at the facility. He wants to file complaints for it being unsafe and staff being negligent. But I don't know. It just makes me feel so scared. I had a panic attack which made me have a seizure. But at least I tell myself that at least I'm in home

It feels confusing today. I was talking to my dad about something but I forgot what I was saying. I always feel like standing and leaving the room when we talk. Because I always hear the voice calling me. But my dad always makes me come back in the room and sit down to start talking again. But then I forget what I was talking about. I feel really bad to do this to my dad. Why do I suddenly forget and it takes so much to remember again

I don't understand the voices I've been hearing lately. It's like too many people talking at once over each other. So you can't understand anything they are saying. You can only hear alot of voices. Can some voices stop so I can understand what they are saying!

Idk what I feel or how to put it in words. I feel really empty but also very loud everywhere. My dad has calmed down alot so that's good. I don't like seeing him stressed. It stresses me. I went to the doctor. The baby seems to be ok. Idk. I don't want this. This is not what I want. This is not what I imagined or even thought. It confuses me. But I just can't do the other option. I can't just get rid of it. I feel really bad. I feel like I'm horrible person for even thinking that. I think I hate emily it's all her fault!!

I heard emily today. I just recognize her voice among all the other voices. It just feels different. Idk how to explain it. It just does feel different and I just know it's emily. But maybe it's all my in my head. My therapist said it's all in my head. But I don't think she understands. She should be worried about the waves but she doesn't!! I didn't want to hear emily. It makes me have flashbacks of it happening which I can't cope with. I feel like throwing up. I just feel like my mind goes somewhere. Somewhere far away and I know my mind is far away. But I can't find it because it's so far. I feel dazed. I can't do this. Why is it so hard everytime? I wish I never left college. Why did they make me leave college and section me? I know I wasn't doing well in college. I feel like they trapped me? I hate the facility. I was only there for about a year but it feels like I was there forever. Taking meds every day and doing nothing at all. Just staring at things and listening to voices of my own head. And so far away from home. I've never been so far away from home in my life. I don't think anyone cared or maybe I wasn't very good at explaining. I didn't like anyone at the facility. I told them to change my room or his room I didn't want to be near him!! . I liked a nurse. Idk what to do. My body hurts all the time. I always smell something burning. It makes me remember again and again him trying to burn my stomach when I was so little. Why was my dad away for weeks all the time and my mom drinking and drinking all the time!! I won't be like that!! I like it home than the facility. I made soup with my dad!!

@hillsideblues Hey you :) you've been in my thoughts and I was wondering how things are going for you

Making soup with your dad sounds nice. I hope you get to have more special moments like that with him

I hope you're taking extra special care of yourself and resting when you can

*sending peace and love to you ❤️

I had an ultrasound for the baby. I wanted to see but I think all the touching triggered me and made me feel blank. I feel confused. But I just sort of know one thing. That the more the time passes, the more I feel closer to the baby

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who sees things very clearly and can make very deep connections. Because every single thing is connected. But no one can see those connections. They just appear to me all the connections and how it's all related. It appears to me and they directly tell me. I don't think I actually have schizophrenia. I just see thinks clearly and see the signals clearly for who they are!