Diary *Possible TW*
I thought about starting a diary place to share and reflect on my feelings. I am trying to navigate through schizophrenia and ptsd and trying to not let it define me. I hope writing about it is productive for me. Any replies are welcome!!
Feeling very anxious today. I do not want any meds anymore. They are not helping. They never helped because they are poisoned. The nurse tried giving it to me but I threw them away. I feel really bad for doing that but she does not understand that they are poisonous!!
It is only me and I do not want to go out of my room. It has been weeks and I have not gone out of my room anywhere. I do not want to go for group therapy anymore. No one understands the voices and what they say. They keep thinking it is not real. No one in group therapy. The doctor comes to my room for my 1-1 therapy session because I do not want to go to his office. I am scared to. I think he hates it and get annoyed. I do not know if I am being annoying
It is just waking up in the morning and then I try going out of my room to make breakfast in the facility kitchen. But sometimes I forget and I don't want to go out of my room. Then it is just nothing. I look at the walls alot because I see nice patterns on it but it makes my head hurt after a while. Group therapy is every day. I don't talk to others because I get scared. Then it is lunch and then dinner. So many voices in between. I don't want this to be my life everyday
I didn't mean to but I got into a fight with the nurse. He was making me take my meds but I don't want to. God knows if it's poisoned? It just happened that I kicked and the glass of water fell on the tray. Some of the water fell over him. It made him frustrated and he slapped me. It happened very fast. I didn't realize. But it's my fault and I said sorry to him so many times but I'm not sure if he listened. My doctor says that I'm not cooperating and if I don't cooperate we will get no where. I'm not sure what she means and what does she wants me to do
@hillsideblues Hey you :) I'm so sorry this happened to you but I have to disagree ok? Nothing gives him the right to slap you or anyone and I mean ABSOLUTELY nothing gives anyone the right to slap you. That's assault what he did. It was water - just water - I don't think he'll melt
There has to be a gentler approach to what they want you to do - use of force isn't right and it would scare anyone. Can't they back off when you're upset and try again later? It takes patience and understanding
* safe hugs for you if you want*
You'll be in my thoughts - be safe
I'm sorry - I replied emotionally - I should have taken a pause. There's been alot of thinking since. So I'm wondering - are these new meds or have you taken them before? I can understand your fear of them - meds aren't any fun sometimes but sometimes they help too. Like taking something for a headache or something for a bellyache. Those make you feel better. Maybe taking them will make the noise stop - maybe they will help you feel better that you can leave there?
Forgive me please - if I overstep or say all the wrong things - I don't mean to - you have my word on that
@hillsideblues You've been in my thoughts :) And I hope you're ok. I saw something today and actually got a picture of it. I thought I would share with you - I hope you don't mind
Hummingbirds :)
@hillsideblues Just wanted you to know we're all here with you and you been in our thoughts ❤
@mytwistedsoul You are so kind. ❤️ I am sorry I have been gone. I forgot that. How are you? The humming bird is so pretty. I hope the deer is. Thank you for sharing that. It is so nice. I am still at the facility group home and they want to move me to another because I got into fights with nurses. I don't want fights. I don't want anyone to come near me or touch me
@hillsideblues Hey you :) ❤️ It's is so good to see you! It's ok that you were gone - I mean - you were definitely missed but I understand
The deer are doing great! They're all getting ready for winter now and the hummingbirds have all headed to warmer weather
I'm sure you don't want fights and I can understand not wanting to be touched or having anyone near you. Not everyone there has been nice to you - so maybe a new place would be like a fresh start? Maybe you'd feel safer in a different place?
It was really good to see you today - you made my day ❤️
TW
I am moving to another group home facility because I think maybe no one likes me here and I don't like me as well. The new group home facility is alot further away from home. I don't think I have travelled that far from home. So it feels different. I don't know what to think about it. I have been trying to be the best version of myself
I think I am losing my ability to do things. Everything I hold slips out of my hand and sometimes I hold things very tightly it hurts so much but it's so hard to make my hands let go of holding so tight and the nurse has to help move my fingers
I have had four seizures since and it becomes very hard to breath. The doctor scheduled me for another ECG but I am really scared of it
I think my delusions have gotten less. So that is good positive. I think I am getting used to the new voices and not listening to them. But I want it to stop and go home
My dad visited and told me that my mom and her boyfriend broke up and my mom has started getting herself drunk again. Her boyfreind took the house so she is back staying with my dad. I am not sure what to feel or how to feel. I feel alot of things. Not sure. I feel bad that it has caused my mom to drink again. She has always had issues with drinking. But I am also happy that they broke up because I have always been scared of her boyfriend. He did s*xual things with me when I was younger, he made me touch it and in my mouth. My dad's brother would r*pe me when my dad would leave me with him on weekends so that he can babysit me because my dad was always busy with work. It was touching first I remember and it happened. It hurt so much like my entire body was burning. I remember thinking this is what I am supposed to do when my mom's boyfriend made me do s*xual things because my dad's brother did it with me
I wanted to tell all this to my dad when he visited me yesterday. I have always wanted to tell it to him because it's too much for me. But I didn't because I know it will ruin my dad's relationship with his brother and mess things with my mom's ex boyfriend now. I feel like it's my fault. So I will never tell him. I wanted to tell it here because it gets too much sometimes
I moved to the new group home. I am still not sure what to feel. I feel very numb. The voices say bad things about it
@hillsideblues Hey you :)
It's probably kind of scary at this new place I bet. I hope the people that work there are nicer then at the other place. Maybe if the voices cooperate - then maybe you won't have to be there very long and you can leave
You're so brave. I just wanted you to know that. I admire you for that and - well - so many other things tbh
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
*Leaves you a safe gentle hug* no pressure though ok? You're in my thoughts ❤
@hillsideblues Hey you :) Just wanted you to know you've been in someone's thoughts ❤️
Happy Thanksgiving ❤
@mytwistedsoul Happy Thanksgiving to you too ❤️❤️ I hope you're ok. You've been in my thoughts too and I wanted to come here but I think I forgot how to do it but now I remember. I do remember it because it came all of a sudden in my head suddenly
Hugs for you too if that is ok ❤️ You're really brave and kind. Maybe you don't always feel like you're kind and that can be so hard. All those voices saying things. But you're always so kind to me. And I mean it because I'm speaking from my heart that you're so kind. I hope that's ok to say
@hillsideblues Hey you :)
It's allways so nice to see you. I'm glad you remembered how to get here. I forget alot of things too sometimes. Sometimes I guess I forget that there's a whole world outside of my head
You have a beautiful heart. I wish I was half as brave and kind as you. It is hard to fight those words. They sound so true sometimes
You're in my thoughts alot - wondering how you are - hoping you're safe - if things are alittle better. I know there's not much I can do but I'm allways sitting quietly with you and wishing good things for you
A big safe hug for you too ❤
@hillsideblues Hey you :) Just wanted to pop in and say hey. You've been in my thoughts and I hope things are going alittle better for you and you're settling in to this new place alittle better. I hope the people there are nicer
*leaving you a big hug* No pressure though ok? ❤️
@mytwistedsoul very confused because of the voices. I didn't even do anything yesterday but it happened
@hillsideblues Hey :) I'm sorry to hear you're confused ❤️ Is there anything that helps? Can you draw or color as a distraction? Or if you sing out loud - or hum - does it help silence them any? Or maybe doing a puzzle - something to help take your mind off them? Would they listen if you told them to go away until a certain time? Like being assertive with them? I'm sure it's easier said then done though
I'm sorry if I should be making these suggestions - I mean no harm ok?
@mytwistedsoul I try it does not happen. They keep coming louder and louder everytime I say anything it happens. They say really bad things and I don't understand
@hillsideblues I'm sorry - I'm sorry it doesn't work and that the voices say bad things. I wish there was something I could say or do to help you to stop them ❤️
@mytwistedsoul ❤️❤️
@hillsideblues ❤
@mytwistedsoul I've been thinking - if you would rather I wouldn't post pictures like this - please just say ok? I won't be upset - I just sometimes don't think. I can just post them and tag you on my thread if it's better for you ok?