Diary *Possible TW*
I thought about starting a diary place to share and reflect on my feelings. I am trying to navigate through schizophrenia and ptsd and trying to not let it define me. I hope writing about it is productive for me. Any replies are welcome!!
@hillsideblues Hey you :) You've been in my thoughts alot. I hope you get to see your regular doctor or your father comes to visit because - this place you're at - seems like it's making thing worse - unless Idk - I remember you said abut weaning you off a medicine. I'm sorry if I shouldn't have said anything - I try to be careful but words can be tricky sometimes but I've been sitting with you
While I was writing this - we were outside by the greenhouse and this little guy showed up so I hope you don't mind if I share it with you
It's spring here - allmost summer actually. All the big deer have had their babies now and they're just starting to venture out. They usually keep them tucked away for a few weeks to keep them safe
I leave you a big big hug Hill for if you need it - ok? No pressure though either :)
@mytwistedsoul You are really lovely and sweet. I wish all the good for you from all the souls. You are really sweet. The deer is so cute. I hope they are doing ok too because it can be hard for the deer with all the trees and roots. The spring there looks really nice and good. I have not been out much. I spend most of my time sleeping. I feel drowsy sometimes probably because of the meds. Yes, the doctor said they were supposed to slowly take me off a med because my regular doctor had prescribed me a very high dosage of it before and I was taking it. But I forgot to keep track that if they have lowered that med or not. It feels really hard to keep track of things and understand what is hapoening. I need to keep humming and close my ears. I am taking the meds the nurse gives me. I am not sure which ones they are. Yes, I am not liking it alot at the facility/group home anymore because it has been too long. I am not finding it very comfortable here anymore. But I am told it is for my own safety and I am not sure, I do not trust myself a whole lot. I see my regular doctor less now. I see the doctor here more and we have group therapy. But I am not sure where they are and it disappears. I forgot about my dad and mom that I do have one. I have not seen my mom or talked to her ever since I came to live at the group home. She does not like me much. I remember now. My dad came to give me my things when my stay here was extended. I have seen him only once after that. But there is a door. Everyone who goes through it disappears and he went through it too. I am not sure where. But they disappear. The signals are everywhere and they tell me things which no one believes because they do not have the chip in their head. I still have mines. It does not come out
@hillsideblues Thank you for the nice things you say about me - I want to argue that I'm not those things though - but I won't :)
The deer spend time in the field where there's no trees or roots. They like to run around in the grass and play together - I sometimes wish we could be so care free
I can understand that it would be hard to keep track and understand things - I hope that they're patient with you and kind - because you deserve that and I worry that they aren't
I can also understand keeping you safe and you're not liking it there and that it's been too long. Are you allowed to contact your dad? Or keep in touch with him? Or maybe email your other doctor - maybe there's a better place? Idk - It's probably not my place to say but things seem worse since you stayed there - I'm hoping it's just because of the meds they're lowering - I know it takes awhile for things to work out of your system and for new meds to start working - Idk - I'm sorry if maybe I shouldn't say things like that - It's been alot harder lately know what words are ok to say - because I don't want to hurt anyone - If I do - please let me know ok?
You're often in my thoughts Hill - and I wish and hope that they get things better for you and get your meds right so you can get out of there
@mytwistedsoul You are so kind. I cannot say anything to anyone for now because something will happen. I must circle count all the worms in my room before I can say anything about something or else something will happen which I cannot let
@hillsideblues I spend the entire time counting all of them! They can be safe now!! It is 3 and 10 and it circles back to 56 and then back to 56310 and then finally to 3! It can be safe now! I told about this to the psychiatrist here and all the nurses and staff I came across and I even told it to everyone in group therapy!! So everyone can know!!
@mytwistedsoul You are really kind. Your words means so much to me. You are always kind to me and everyone. I hope you get all the kindness too because you really deserve the best things. I appreciate you alot. Some people are not kind at the group home and a staff person touches me to hurt me. I do not like being touched at all. I think I understand what is happening when the voices get less. But it is always loud and confusing. I know because he. You have a really kind soul. I always believe that you have a kind soul because you are really kind and gentle. I believe it because you are so kind and I appreciate ❤️❤️ I did not think that I could also call my dad because he went through the door. It did not come to my mind that we could do that even for people who go through the door
@hillsideblues Hey you :)
I'm sorry to hear that people aren't nice there. Noone should hurt you - especially staff there. Noone has that right. Can you report them? Safely? I can really understand not liking to be touched. I dont like it either but sometimes - I wish I did. To get a hug. To just be close to someone - to shake hands. Guess maybe that sounds weird
it is easier to understand when there's not so much commotion inside our heads. Easier to think and have the thoughts make sense
I'm glad you can call your dad - I hope you can soon. Maybe he can come see you. Maybe you could have lunch together - he might be someone you could tell about the staff who hurt you
Thank you for all your kind words Hill. Unfortunately, I'm not allways kind or gentle. Sometimes no matter how hard we try or how careful we are - people get hurt - I dont like that. You deserve kindness and gentleness because you're kind and gentle. I miss reading your gentle words of encouragement and support to the members that visited the checkins
You're a beautiful person Hill - don't ever forget that - please. You're allways in my thoughts and I wish so many good things for you
*Leaves hugs for you 🎁* no pressure though ok :)
@mytwistedsoul Hugs for you too if that is ok. You are too kind to me. So many blessings for you
I am not sure because it is really confusing. It is confusing to think straight and hard to think about one than one more thing. I think I can do something. But if it is not very bright. I am not sure about lunch because of the colors. But I think I can. There is also another thing because
@hillsideblues Thank you :) I could definately use a hug
Would you be able to maybe write down the one thing you think about? Then you could remember that you thought about it - like a reminder?
Maybe you could have a picnic with him? Something quiet - maybe towards evening? The light is not as bright and it might help with the colors. He could even put the lunch together for the two of you and you could ask him or tell him what to bring
The baby deer are growing so fast! There's three of them and they play in the field in the evening. It's so cute - like they're playing tag with each other! And the male deer are getting their antlers now so it's easier to tell which is a boy and which is a girl - except the babies of course
Take care of yourself ok? You're in my thoughts - be gentle with yourself :) Peace to you Hill
Sometimes I think I do not have schizophrenia and who diagnosed me with is lying to me and they are lying to me too. I am perfectly ok. They just think I have schizophrenia because they do not understand because they cannot see and hear what I see
@hillsideblues But I am really tired of it now. It is never quite. The voices tell me to do bad things. I do not want to but they keep saying that I have to. They tell me throw my meds at the nurse. But I will never do that because I do not want to hurt anyone. But they keep saying and it gets so loud. I see a pencil. I get thoughts out of nowhere to push it in my eye and the voices keeps telling me to do it and take my eye out. I know it is bad to do that and I should not do that. It becomes too much and never quite. I keep hearing bad things
I do not know what to do anymore. I do not even know why I am here. Everything feels confusing and hard to understand. Someone says this and someone says that. Someone does this and soemone does that. It does not even make sense that what do they even do. Nothing makes sense anymore. Why does it happen
He said that it will happen but no one understood. He said it again that it will happen but no one understood then too. It is all just circles if you look at it. The colors dim and then they go bright and then they dim again and then they go bright another time and then dim and then bright and then just stop. No more of dim and bright and dim and bright. It is never bright and dim. Remember that it is only dim and bright. Then you may ask that why is it called a circle then? I do not have an answer. I do not know too. It is because he said so that it is a circle and he knows. It does not go straight. It does not from lines. The numbers also switches around alot and they make my head hurt. The colors switch around alot too and they make my head hurt. I see colors swirling more when I am feeling not so good and that hurts my head. It is nice sometimes to see it all swirling but not nice if I keep starring at it. I think I see shadow people in the colors. They make shapes. Is that where the shadow people live? I have been seeing shadow people since I was 9 or 10 years old. I would like to know where the shadow people live?
@hillsideblues Hey you :) Just wanted to let you know that you've been in my thoughts :)
@mytwistedsoul Thank you. I hope you are holding on there and ok ❤️ I am still at the group home facility and I did not get to do college. There isn't much to do here so I just sit by myself inside
@hillsideblues Hey you :) it's nice to see you!
I'm sorry about college - I bet you were really looking forward to it :( Maybe you can think of this as alittle break though and maybe when the next semester rolls in you'll be in a better place to enjoy it - not that I mean to invalidate you in anyway - that's the last thing I want. Its just - some times I guess we need to take a pause to take care of ourselves first - placing our needs ahead of our wants I guess. It doesn't make it any less painful though - if anything I think it makes it hurt worse because we have to make sacrifices
If its ok to ask - how are other things? The meds and the bad staff person?
@mytwistedsoul ❤️❤️❤️
I am not sure about other things because I am still trying to understand. I am finding it really hard to understand anything around me. I feel distant from myself and I am not sure if therapy at the group home facility is helping. I am not sure because sometimes I am talking to someone but then I realize that I have been talking to my hallucination and not someone real. Maybe I am in a simulation controlled by the signals? It could be that. I touch to make sure but I am afraid to touch all the worms in my room or to count them when they need to be counted. I am finding it really hard to understand about my meds. Everyone speaks so fast and uses difficult words in so many conversations. I do not understand it because it is so fast. I just take whatever meds I am given and I am not sure how to understand if they are helping. The bad staff person hurts me sometimes. He touches me which I do not like and my mind goes blank
@hillsideblues Hey :) It's ok - I have a hard time wrapping my head around things too. When think it makes sense - I found out that it really doesn't - which probably makes even less sense
I've found I have an easier time understanding things in writing - because I can go back and re-read things if it starts to get confusing to me. When people talk sometimes it's hard to focus on what they're saying. Maybe you could bring thing up to your doctors and they could write things down for you - or type it and print it out. I would hope that they understand and you should be able to be more active in your own care
You're in my thoughts and I constantly wish for good things for you
It is all because of the signals. They will get you they already have on the stairs. The signals did it. I saw it with my own eyes. It confuses things more because that is not how it is supposed to be. It circles back. I saw it. I stayed still for the whole day today and stared at everything because. I felt very disconnected for myself. Catatonic schizophrenia. My body keeps twitching. It hurts sometimes and I cannot control it. It is because of the signals and I want to leave
I want to leave. This diary feels like the only place I can vent because no one understands. I think the group home facility is making things bad. I do not like him at all and I am scared of him now. I want it go stop. The group home facility is making things worse. I am not sure what I feel. The voices in my head never stops. I do not know how to cope with anything. Sometimes I do not know what they are saying. It is all gibberish. Sometimes they say really bad things. They have been saying bad things. Things about hurting myself. I want to but I cannot. Sleeping is hard. I am scared of shadow people. I keep seeing faces on my bed and I do not even know who are they. All the colors blur. No one here has a clear face. Everyone face has I see lines of faces. It hurts my head alot. Jacob is gone. I see him sometimes. I see people's hands starts growing and getting so big. It hurts my head. I feel alone here. I am allowed to go outside on the group home grounds. But I feel so scared to. I am scared of the signals and the roots outside. I always stay inside but I still keep hearing and seeing things. I want to leave
Hey you :) I'm sorry - I wanted to write you sooner but I'm having a hard time with time and losing track of it. Plus I worry that maybe you don't want replies so I try not to reply all the time but yet it's nice to know you're not alone and that someone hears you
I was wondering if there is something you could carry with you - something that makes you feel safe? It could be a coin or even a pretty stone. Or Idk if they have arts and crafts but maybe you could make something. A while back we were into rune stones and used to make some for protection. There's one that's really easy called Algiz it would be really easy to draw. In Norse it means Elk - white elk. You can look it up amd theres no pressure to do it and I totally understand if you'd rather not or can't
I'm allways sitting with you - if that's ok
Yes my mom came to visit today. I don't like seeing her because she blames me for everything and thinks that I ruined her life. But it was nice seeing her. I am not sure where my dad is. He disappears through a door which I don't know
It happens again and again. Am I supposed to spend my whole life in a facility? Is this even a real life. I'm so tired and want to give up so that my mind can have peace
@hillsideblues Everyone I try to leave the facility, something happens. My doctor says that if I am not cooperating than they cannot help me but I don't want to be here. It makes me feel upset and get urges to self harm. But I've nothing sharp to do it anymore but I hit my head on the walls sometimes. I don't want anyone to find out because then the nurse found out and I was sectioned for longer. I really want to leave the facility and go back home. It's been months. I promise that I'll try to do be better. I want to understand what is happening
@hillsideblues Hey you :) You're doing the best you can right now. But I can imagine how frustrated you must feel. I wonder - is there something we can do here for you? A daily note? A pretty picture? Maybe links to songs you like? You're in my thoughts often
A gentle reminder to please be kind to your head ok?
*safe hugs for you*
@mytwistedsoul songs have signals and on the radio. I hope you are keeping safe