Diary *Possible TW*
I thought about starting a diary place to share and reflect on my feelings. I am trying to navigate through schizophrenia and ptsd and trying to not let it define me. I hope writing about it is productive for me. Any replies are welcome!!
In my head I think it all sounds silly. All my thoughts are silly and everything I think is silly. I quit taking some antipsychotics yesterday because I am unsure if they are poisoned or not. I know they cannot be but I am just worried. I think I need some sort of confirmation from my dad or the pharmacist that if they are poisoned or if my doctor is conspiring. I know I heard someone on the radio say that it could be poison
@hillsideblues I can understand why it would worry you. I hope you can get some confirmation from either your father or the pharmacist soon to ease your mind. Do you think a call to the pharmacy would help any or would you rather hear it in person?
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul I think I would rather hear it in person because of all the weird radio everywhere lately and there might or might not be a chip device in my head, probably not but still a bit worried
I hope that the universe has been kind to you lately and be gentle with your thoughts too. Warm safe hugs for you if that is ok ❤️❤️
@hillsideblues I can understand that. Somethings are easier when it's in person. Something tangible
Thank you :) I could really use a hug right now. I leave one for you as well 💜
I am not sure if it is because I quit taking meds because I feel confused or if this is just how things are but it feels like I am in a whole new dimension like I was told
There is a man with no teeth and I keep seeing him every where. I see him outside my window and I did close the curtains. He appeared when I was in the shower and it upset me alot. I see him sitting on the corner of my bed from the corner of my eye. I am not sure what he wants but I am scared of him
I know what a voice wants me to do. She wants me to break the radio on my head because that is how she said that the voices will stop. But I know better now that it will only lead to regret if I give into anything I hear
My mom's boyfriend texted me which was a bit triggering. He wrote that my mom has started drinking alot again
I have not been as active in every aspect as I think I should be. She gave me what looks like ultimatums that either to start taking meds that I had quit or to enter a partial hospitalization program. Both options makes me feel uneasy. I cannot seem to trust anyone in the world that if my meds are poisoned or not poisoned. How can I?
Things have been different without meds. Maybe weird? But definitely different. My head would feel somewhat vacant of thoughts and most thoughts would feel like external thoughts. But now it seems like my head is filled with thoughts and I am in a new dimension. I have been hearing all sorts of voices saying all sorts of things. Making fun of me. Some voices say that they are spirits from another dimension
The man with no teeth is still following me every where and every person has golden lines on their face. It feels like I am really going over the edge but I also feel nothing about it now. If that makes some sort of sense
Next week I go back to my dorm. I really want to be fully independent and also be capable of living independently but I get confused alot and need to ask for help to understand some things sometimes
@hillsideblues *sending you good vibes* I can understand why both of those choices would make you uneasy. I hope I'm not overstepping here. I really can understand your concern - I wondered if maybe you had a some meds left from an older prescription - something that you had allready taken most of them so you know they're safe. Or maybe if You were to take them in the presence of a doctor or even your father - your father loves you very much. He wouldn't let anything happen to you
Going back to your dorm sounds exciting! I hope it goes good :) It's ok to get confused and need to ask for help understanding things
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul You are incredibly kind. Blessings for you
I wish I had something from the previous ones so I could compare but I buy meds monthly (a month's dose together). So I do not have anything left from the other months. I wish I did
I appreciate my dad alot. He is understanding and helps me financially. I try doing relatively simpler part time jobs to support myself financially but it is hard sometimes because there are so many thoughts to think at the same time and it makes me feel blank out sometimes. The voices are a distraction and I am not very sure
@hillsideblues I think it helps if I follow a routine no matter what, then it becomes automatic sometimes
@hillsideblues That makes sense - most prescriptions are monthly. I forget to take some sometimes and usually end up with an extra one or two. Sometimes I forget I allready take them and then I'm short a day or two
It does make it distracting and hard to focus. I think it's really awesome though that you're doing things to help yourself financially - it says alot about you :)
You're a good person and you're doing the best you can right now - you're awesome :)
I started to take my meds again. I never wanted to but I felt really threatened by ultimatums and it seems like no one wants to do anything with me if I do not take them. They make me feel slow and empty and are just some chemicals but they mean so much apparently, even if there could be a risk that they are posioned
Hearing so many voices overlap in whispers
Apple trees. Trees on apples. Roots growing everyone. Deep but not too deep. Green and red apples on the trees. Growing in and out but not too out. Crying voices to give them apples. But not too much. And keep repeating
My mom's boyfriend keeps texting me that my mom has been drinking again. He texted some months back too but I just let that go that time. It is triggering to read his texts or to hear anything from him. He texted again a few times last week to tell me that my mom has been drinking again and I should come over to my mom's and his place because he said that my mom needs family. I do care about my mom despite everthing that happens between us and I do not want her to drink again. But I find the idea of going to her place very anxiety giving because I am worried about being near her if she is drinking. I am not sure if I can take her hurtful words or shouting anymore even though she is my mom and I care about her. It is all feeling very conflicting. My mom's boyfriend also called me when I did not read his texts straight away. His texts and calling are triggering and I wish if he could not contact me so much, it makes me go into a scared place
I have not been opening up some texts from my mom's boyfriend. It makes me panic. I was on the phone with my dad and informed him that he has been texting me and that mom has been drinking too much again. So he can talk to my mom's boyfriend directly since he has been texting me and also check up on my mom. My parents have a history and I think that my dad probably feels uncomfortable to do all that. I called my mom directly. She does not want me interfering in her matters. I would not have if her boyfriend had not been texting. It hurts my head because I am not sure if I imagined any part of this? I feel worried that if all these thoughts came from the chip inside my head. I have thoughts I know no one is really going to believe me so I keep it to myself. I kind of do realize that I have no device chip but there is no proof that I do not have one or if I do have one. So how can I say for sure. The man without teeth is following me again but this time it is a bit blurry image and he has no shadow. I was scared of him before but I feel less scared of him now
@hillsideblues Hey :)
That would be a really hard spot to be in - he's really putting you in an awkward position. Maybe your dad can tell him that well - its her boyfriend - he's with her - and if shes saying to you to stay out of it seems like shes aware of what she's doing. Idk - I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Like there isn't enough to worry about right?
How's it going with being back at your dorm?
@mytwistedsoul I am very grateful for this 
I am doing ok at the dorms and following things according to schedules I made. I am just not super sure if I am imagining certain conversations happening or do they really happen
How have you been?
@hillsideblues I'm glad you're doing ok with the dorms and your schedule :) I think schedules help alot. Is there some way you could maybe make note of conversations? Like alittle post it note or something? With who it was and the date and time - maybe even a brief summary? I do that sometimes with certain things - to help me remember better and it helps keep things straighter in my head
I'm mostly ok - thank you for asking :)
@mytwistedsoul I am glad that you are mostly doing ok. The post it notes sounds like a good idea that I did not think of. Thank you
It is just confusing because I am not sure if what I am typing here right now is me and my thoughts saying or if they are some thoughts implanted in me through the chip device in my head. So it becomes hard to say anything sometimes
@hillsideblues You're welcome :) I like that they're sort of small but not too small and they come in different colors - I can't guarantee they'll help but maybe they can alittle
It is hard to say anything some times isn't it? I fight with this so much. Sometimes the lines of reality seem to blur. I get the whole - am I thinking this right - is it ok to feel this way? Then anxiety kicks in and helps cement my mouth shut
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul It really can be hard. I can relate to the feeling of thinking that if it is ok to feel this way
I hope you can be gentle with yourself too. Hugs for you if that is ok
@hillsideblues *hugs you back* Thank you
It feels hard to determine some things. Reality feels so much clearer than the other "reality." I know there could be the chip device in my head. It worries me alot. I feel worried to say anything to someome because I do not know if it is me saying or the shadow people through the chip device. And what if they say the wrong things, I have to double check and "think" alot about every "thought" I think
I am staying away fom radio waves. I am avoiding them because messages can be send on them and they control the chip device in my mind through the same radio waves. Whispers do get carried on radios and I can hear them. I need to be as far away from them as possible so it does not interfere with "my real thoughts." If I still have any?
No one seems to want to be around me if I am not medicated. A close friend just refused to talk to me the last time I went off my medication. I have been taking my medication just because of these things even when there is the risk that they could be poisoned. I am a bit glad that I am hallucinating the man with no teeth. It is a bit upsetting but atleast he stays around me no matter what, as long as he does not touches me or comes near me
His name is Jacob and he seems to speak. Did not realize that he spoke
I am still trying to stay as far away from waves as I possibly can. It is hard and takes alot of energy out of me everyday to keep myself away from being controlled or monitored and keeping myself safe. It feels exhausting and a constant struggle. I know that not everyone would agree with the ideas in my mind or consider them real because I have learned that people who I know in my life respond negatively to these things or just refuse to believe it when I open up or try sharing. But there is no proof that the waves or anything else is not real. I am not sure if I am making this up but no one can know if it real or not real. So I have to be conscious just in case and stay away from the waves. I know my doctor would not believe me so maybe there is no point in letting her know because what if she tries bringing me straight into the waves and signals
My doctor is really trying to push the idea that she has been mentioning since the start of the year but I was too scared to consider it and wanted to pretend that I never heard it (?)
By next month I will be admitted to an assisted living mental health hospital facility. It makes me feel worried about my college exams but they said that I will be able to do the exams there
It is supposed to be a temporary arrangement. I am not sure what to feel. I hope there are not any waves of signals there
@hillsideblues Hey :)
That has to be alittle scary for you and I would imagine cause alot of other mixed feelings and concerns. It might be a good thing though too - help with creating routines and sticking with schedules and stuff. I'm sure your therapist has your best interests in mind though and it will help in the long run to be more self sufficient I guess though - yeah? I guess if it doesn't feel right for you while you're there - you can leave though too and you have your dad too - he's sounds like he's pretty good to have in your corner
Take care ok? I hope you'll be able to keep in touch while you're there - to let us know how you're doing. BUt I also understand too if you're not able too - you'll definitely be in my thoughts
@mytwistedsoul ❤️ It does feels a little bit scary because it seems like a total change for me because it is a new place for me and new routines etc. My doctor said that it will be just like the times I have been hospitalized but it will be a more "comfortable" arrangement. But I have never really liked being hospitalized. So I have mixed feelings about this. I am worried about my exams because truthfully I often fall behind when it comes to studies. My dad is supportive and I do not want to be a burden on him. He was absent when I was younger and always busy with certain things. But ever since my diagnosis, he has been supportive which I appreciate alot. Sometimes I wish to open up to him about something from my childhood because it feels like it would be freeing to say, but it would also break him, so I do not say. I can leave the facility if it does not feel right for me since it is not exactly a forced admission. But both my parents have certain legal "authority" over any medical or mental health descions related to me even though I am an adult. They can also legally make descions for me if I am considered not "mentally capable" to make them on my own. Keeping this system was also something my doctor had advised to do early on. My doctor did say that there would not be any waves or signals there so that is something what I am counting on. Because I get tired from trying to stay away from them. I am not sure what I can consider as real anymore and my brain just constantly fights with "logical sounding thoughts." I do would want to be self sufficient and do things on my own without finding it hard to make sense of how to do simple things like combing my hair sometimes. I feel all my thoughts getting jumbled up and some people I know find it hard to understand me but I try to be clear. I am not really sure for how long I will be there or what I will do. I just want to get away from the waves and signals. My dad said that he will come with me to have a "look" at the place, do some paper work and some things with my insurance. I hope you also take good care of yourself and I will be thinking about you too ❤️❤️❤️
@hillsideblues I think it's ok to be scared about it - I know I would be too. It kind of sound like a better option then being hospitalized because it sucks being in the hospital - I think they're too desensitized to people in there and they're just there to do a job. This way you'll have more say in things and more freedom. There would be pro's and con's for it but being able to leave by your own decision is definitely a good thing - it gives you more say so in your life. I can imagine how hard it would be to stay on top of things with school - I have a hard enough time with the day to day stuff - Idk if I could do schooling on top of it all. But you're still putting forth the effort and that says alot
I'm glad your dad is supportive - it's awesome actually. Someone who is on your side. I can understand why you wouldn't want to break him with things from childhood - maybe you could dedicate a notebook where you could write letters to him about the things you had to go through - you wouldn't have to give it to him of course but it would still hopefully give you alittle feeling of relief to be able to get it out to him - even if he doesn't actually read it
I can understand why your doctor would think it would be a good idea to have them be able to make medical decisions for you - I'm really glad that your dad is part of that because he is supportive of you - so he would have your best interests at heart. It's great that he's coming with you to look at the place
When the thoughts get jumbled up - is it easier to write them down? It's ok if it's not - I have the same problem sometimes - and people seem to get frustrated with me when it takes awhile to say something. Like they're in a hurry to hear the words - which just makes me feel worse and take longer to say something
I'm glad the doctor said there won't be any waves or signals there - maybe it will help your concentration not having to worry about them while you're there and that wil help your school work :)
Thank you :) I'm trying
@mytwistedsoul I think so too that they are very desensitized at the hospital or maybe over worked. But it all feels very robotic. I really like the letters ideas. I think it helps alot sometimes to just write things and whatever is on your mind without any filters
It can be hurtful when people get frustrated if we need some time to collect our thoughts. There should not be any hurry to hear the words. I sometimes do write my thoughts, sometimes I don't really relize when my thoughts are getting jumbled up or when I am speaking made up gibberish words, unless the person I am speaking to tells me
I really hope it helps with concenteration
You are amazing and I really do mean it with my heart