Eva’s Crazy Mind

i’ll go away for some time i’m sorry

@justmeeva

*sits here if okay* 💙

@LoveMyMoonflowers @justmeeva 

*sits with you* 💙 You don't fight alone. I know we're all oceans apart but you're in our thoughts and in our hearts. I hope it's ok to say - we need you here with us 💙

@mytwistedsoul @justmeeva i think it is ok to say, because it’s true. 💙 we do. 

@LoveMyMoonflowers *hugs Moon* 💙

@mytwistedsoul *hugs Soul* 💙

@LoveMyMoonflowers

@justmeeva

@myTwistedSoul 

*🌈🧸 sits with Nii 🌙🥧, Eva, & Soul 🐭 if okay*

@VictoriaLove7 Aww of course it's ok 🌈 🧸💙! 

Thank you for joining us 😊

@VictoriaLove7

it's definitely okay rainbow bear 💙

@justmeeva *sits with everyone else and waits* 

*brings eva tasty foods* 🍟🍪🍦🍓 *and lots of love* 💜💙🩷 *and waits* 

@unassumingEyes *steals a French fry and waits with you*  💙 

@unassumingEyes

*waits with Eyes 👀 & Soul 🐭  & brings more fries 🍟, noodle 🍜 *

@VictoriaLove7 more fries and noodles!? Yay! 😊

@mytwistedsoul

yes yes, *more fries 🍟 & noodles 🍜*😋(っ˘ڡ˘🍜ς)

mom got me an appointment with a psychologist (i think). it’s gonna be a video call. first time is me, mom, and the psychologist. it’s gonna be on the 25th. yes, in two days. mom told me yesterday. that’s cool. second time is the day after, 26th, just me and the psychologist. video call again. 

i didn’t ask for this. you see, when she first asked me if i wanted to talk to a professional, a couple of months ago, i was almost up for it. but now, it’s just a waste. a waste of time, a waste of money. i know damn well i’m not gonna say anything. i’m gonna say the absolute bare minimum. god knows what would happen if i accidentally said too much. and with me saying the bare minimum, it won’t help nothing. told you - a waste.

and i can already tell how it’s gonna go. assuming i’m gonna be around long enough for it to happen, my dad’s gonna find out about my.. “situation”, too. because psychologists and all those mental health workers, are expensive as ***. and since my dad’s my dad, it would only be fair if mom wasn’t the only one paying for that. and he’s not gonna blindly pay for something without knowing, he’s gonna find out that i need a psychologist. and when do people need psychologists? when they’re *** up. he’s gonna find out. 

i also started working on.. the letter. i have a few parts of it done. 

i can see it in your eyes that you wanna get out..

i’m too drained to talk to anyone. i want to talk to my friends, ask how they’re doing and just talk to them, but i’m so tired. i don’t want to avoid anyone, but i’ve found myself doing that sometimes. just because i don’t want to disappoint anyone. i just don’t have words. i’m sorry. 

@justmeeva quote that's going around on pinterest right now: 

"Because if you walk into a room and notice what is missing from it, it's still there, isn't it?" 

When I say I love you I mean I love your kindness, your smartness, your gentleness, your love, your friendship.

But I also mean I love your silence, your quiet strength, the way you're still here, the way you think of others even when you feel like you have nothing left to give them

I love the way thinking of you makes me think of pinterest quotes and pretty skies and you telling me that you don't think my running away would help and telling you "I washed the dishes without freaking out!" And you treating it like an achievement 

I think of entering the chatrooms and seeing you enter and how excited everyone got because eva is here and feeling that excitement, too 

I think of feeling like you were a sort of a queen, and worrying when I realized our thought processes were similar, when I realized the dark pits I'd fallen into over and over again were in front of you too

You don't have to read or reply. You just have to be and I love you

@unassumingEyes 

i love you eyes. you have this way with words.. thank you. *hugs you if okay* <3

i really don’t wanna do the video call.. i’m not ready for it. and it’s tomorrow. “will you ever be ready?” probably no, but then so be it. i just know it’s only gonna make me more confused about everything. i don’t want to do this..

i just remembered that one time when my mom just forgot about me- she forgot to pick me up from school. it was in like- 3rd? 4th grade? idk something like that. i just waited and waited until i finally called her with my tryingtoholdbacktears voice asking when she was gonna pick me up and she had already gone home. and my home is at least 30 minutes away from my school when you drive by car, and i’ve never gone home by bus or such. so there was no miscommunication about that. haha- and then she just told me to call my dad (they were apart by then already) and i just spent the night at his. it’s so funny isn’t it? lmao-

@justmeeva

I am sure your mom loves you, Eva. She prolly got stuff going on though that's not an excuse to not picking you up from school. It reminded me of the time when I was in kindergarten and my mom didn't pick me up because she thought my dad will (they were not separated but she was just out and about with her friends). Then it was quite late and I was like the only one left with my other friend who were waiting to be picked up (but was picked up). My homeroom teacher noticed that I was still in the playground, so she took me to my home on foot. It was not that far, but quite a walk and I am sure I was small and I walked in small steps. 

ok but i can’t continue recalling memories i gotta stop. *turns music up and distracts* walking on thin ice here haha-..

i get goosebumps every time i listen to this. 

https://youtu.be/ek0sABh_9os?si=6pjazBAujRBG_V6n

wow chatgpt actually answered that question. the ‘if you’re in distress go seek help’ note wasn’t even at the front, only at the end. lol.

1.5 hours. 

it’ll just be a normal conversation, with a stranger.. and your mom… about your mental health…. ha, what could go wrong?….. 

……….

i don’t wanna do this i don’t wanna do this i don’t wanna do this. 

15 minutes. 

i

don’t 

want

to

do 

this. 

i’m not doing that *** again tomorrow. 

tw all my white text is tw

mom brought up “the things on my hands” and the psychologist flat out asked me what i use

arms* 

i was *** holding back tears 5 minutes into the zoom meeting i’m surprised i managed to get through it without crying

@justmeeva thats so unprofessional of the psychologist tho. Like. If that had been jist you and her without your mom i wld have told you to end the meeting then and there- idk that qs makes it look like she has no idea what shes doing

mom brought up some old meaningless random *** which had nothing to do with anything

i didn’t tell her what i use and mom said that if not with her present, i can tell the psychologist tomorrow without mom and well i agreed because yeah but i’m not telling that psychologist ***

@justmeeva Can't say I blame you for not telling her anything. She handle the first one horribly. I just - wow - ya know? You don't know this person - never talked to them before and you're supposed to just spill everything to them? In front of a parent? Omg no! I'm so sorry it went like this. They're both ***! 

i fidgeted the entire time with my phone charger cord, i did say the bare minimum and nothing about what it’s really like or what i actually feel or think

i am not going to that zoom meeting between just her and i tomorrow. not *** happening.