Eva’s Crazy Mind
i’ve wanted to make a forum post like that for quite a while now, but never brought myself to actually make it. here i will write up all sorts of thoughts and vents, everything i need to get off my mind. it’s not gonna be positive or motivational, not even close. i personally don’t recommend reading it just because it doesn’t help lol. you’re welcome to read, replies are okay, just be aware that it’s gonna be a pretty dark place. i don’t usually ask for help despite telling everybody to. idk why. i’m not a very good example of what’s right to do. TW just in case, not planning to go that far but who knows.
i’m making myself this space because sometimes you can feel lonely while being surrounded by a million people and that’s nobody’s fault.
best wishes to you. ❤️
i hate me hate me hate hate hate me
i feel it in my chest. in my heart. guilt. so much guilt. stupid me.
i’ll go away for some time i’m sorry
@justmeeva
*sits here if okay* 💙
@LoveMyMoonflowers @justmeeva
*sits with you* 💙 You don't fight alone. I know we're all oceans apart but you're in our thoughts and in our hearts. I hope it's ok to say - we need you here with us 💙
@LoveMyMoonflowers
@justmeeva
@myTwistedSoul
*🌈🧸 sits with Nii 🌙🥧, Eva, & Soul 🐭 if okay*
@justmeeva *sits with everyone else and waits*
*brings eva tasty foods* 🍟🍪🍦🍓 *and lots of love* 💜💙🩷 *and waits*
@unassumingEyes *steals a French fry and waits with you* 💙
@unassumingEyes
*waits with Eyes 👀 & Soul 🐭 & brings more fries 🍟, noodle 🍜 *
@VictoriaLove7 more fries and noodles!? Yay! 😊
@mytwistedsoul
yes yes, *more fries 🍟 & noodles 🍜*😋(っ˘ڡ˘🍜ς)
mom got me an appointment with a psychologist (i think). it’s gonna be a video call. first time is me, mom, and the psychologist. it’s gonna be on the 25th. yes, in two days. mom told me yesterday. that’s cool. second time is the day after, 26th, just me and the psychologist. video call again.
i didn’t ask for this. you see, when she first asked me if i wanted to talk to a professional, a couple of months ago, i was almost up for it. but now, it’s just a waste. a waste of time, a waste of money. i know damn well i’m not gonna say anything. i’m gonna say the absolute bare minimum. god knows what would happen if i accidentally said too much. and with me saying the bare minimum, it won’t help nothing. told you - a waste.
and i can already tell how it’s gonna go. assuming i’m gonna be around long enough for it to happen, my dad’s gonna find out about my.. “situation”, too. because psychologists and all those mental health workers, are expensive as ***. and since my dad’s my dad, it would only be fair if mom wasn’t the only one paying for that. and he’s not gonna blindly pay for something without knowing, he’s gonna find out that i need a psychologist. and when do people need psychologists? when they’re *** up. he’s gonna find out.
i’m too drained to talk to anyone. i want to talk to my friends, ask how they’re doing and just talk to them, but i’m so tired. i don’t want to avoid anyone, but i’ve found myself doing that sometimes. just because i don’t want to disappoint anyone. i just don’t have words. i’m sorry.
@justmeeva quote that's going around on pinterest right now:
"Because if you walk into a room and notice what is missing from it, it's still there, isn't it?"
When I say I love you I mean I love your kindness, your smartness, your gentleness, your love, your friendship.
But I also mean I love your silence, your quiet strength, the way you're still here, the way you think of others even when you feel like you have nothing left to give them
I love the way thinking of you makes me think of pinterest quotes and pretty skies and you telling me that you don't think my running away would help and telling you "I washed the dishes without freaking out!" And you treating it like an achievement
I think of entering the chatrooms and seeing you enter and how excited everyone got because eva is here and feeling that excitement, too
I think of feeling like you were a sort of a queen, and worrying when I realized our thought processes were similar, when I realized the dark pits I'd fallen into over and over again were in front of you too
You don't have to read or reply. You just have to be and I love you
i really don’t wanna do the video call.. i’m not ready for it. and it’s tomorrow. “will you ever be ready?” probably no, but then so be it. i just know it’s only gonna make me more confused about everything. i don’t want to do this..
i just remembered that one time when my mom just forgot about me- she forgot to pick me up from school. it was in like- 3rd? 4th grade? idk something like that. i just waited and waited until i finally called her with my tryingtoholdbacktears voice asking when she was gonna pick me up and she had already gone home. and my home is at least 30 minutes away from my school when you drive by car, and i’ve never gone home by bus or such. so there was no miscommunication about that. haha- and then she just told me to call my dad (they were apart by then already) and i just spent the night at his. it’s so funny isn’t it? lmao-
@justmeeva
I am sure your mom loves you, Eva. She prolly got stuff going on though that's not an excuse to not picking you up from school. It reminded me of the time when I was in kindergarten and my mom didn't pick me up because she thought my dad will (they were not separated but she was just out and about with her friends). Then it was quite late and I was like the only one left with my other friend who were waiting to be picked up (but was picked up). My homeroom teacher noticed that I was still in the playground, so she took me to my home on foot. It was not that far, but quite a walk and I am sure I was small and I walked in small steps.
