Eva’s Crazy Mind

i feel like my brain’s drunk even though i’ve never been drunk bc yk 14 but somehow i have an idea of what it feels like and that’s this feeling right here

mom, i will be on top of the world in the future. in fact, i’ll be as high as you possibly can be. in heaven. 

i’m not even sure if i believe in heaven. do i have the right to? i don’t believe in god. i don’t know what i believe in. the universe? guardian angels? just life (i’d rather not)? i don’t believe in god but i also don’t not believe in god. i don’t know. but i also don’t care too much atm. 

@justmeeva (same, for all of that) 

i’m not me right now 

i’m not alive

i’m not in this world 

i’m not living my life

and i’m definitely not in the moment. 

that sounds sarcastic, it’s not

oh would you look at that it’s 5am

i think ima go get my 2 hours of sleep

i get overwhelmed so easily. so easily-

remembering how a while back a girl in my class said “i had a dream that eva died”

😐👍

that one upvote was such a relief <3

@iloveyouxx <3

@justmeeva

_{oh :') I honestly thought I was forgotten haha. :')🩷I’m sorry. apologizing felt kinda wrong because I feel like me leaving didn’t really affect anyone yeah I should stop- (reading over this and honestly it didn’t. not to be sad or anything.)}

_{ive been on here for a while after everything but I just lurk and you just made me feel so seen/valid <3 you’re still so kind hehe idk why I expect people to change. I don’t really wanna go back to the corner tho- I’m barely on cups but either way I don’t think it matters :')🩷}

_{smh I think eva’s evaness is gonna make me get attached to being here again :P🩷/lh but actually tho I love you sm🩷I can’t really smile at all right now but I’m ?closer? to it than I’ve been in a while xD I feel like my face is just frozen xD but it’s okie you make me happy on the inside lol<3💕💕(sorry if this is pressuring in any way💜to be supporting or lighthearted or anything- take your time to reply and im gonna appreciate any reply <3/gen)}

@iloveyouxx 

no lovely, you’re not someone that’s easy to forget. not at all <3 you don’t have to apologise for anything 🩷 i know you have a lot going on, and not just right now, but generally, and i’m really sorry about that. so taking a break or just lurking is completely valid and okie 🩷 but i know i’m not the only one who missed you 🩷 and i’m not just making it up, you’ll see readable proof if you go to eyes’ corner hehe. if you haven’t already. but no rush of course, we’ll understand if you need time <3 tbh you were constantly on my mind, but i didn’t really say anything because i was afraid to say something wrong or “scare you away”- if that makes sense. maybe it’s just me overthinking and being stupid. :’) but i still care about you, even if you’re away, even if i’m away, even if… ykw, any possible scenario. i don’t think i know how to not care once i’ve started. and i don’t think it’s a bad thing, not entirely anyway. <3

closer to a smile than you’ve been in a while? because of me? :0 woahh that’s such a big thing to me (/gen and if it sounds strange, i’m in a strange mood don’t mind it), it deserves a whole tiny comfortable celebration :0

🥳🎉

there (:

i love you too nadia friendo 💗

*casually gives emotional support cat*

@justmeeva

(honestly, I’m really mad now :’) not because of you at all but like it’s unrelated. kinda. it’s on another forum tho. and I really can’t control my emotions while I’m going through them and honestly I can’t even type differently to how I feel and be okay with that. It’s just how I am. so I’m sorry if this comes out at all harsh or anything like that :’)🩷I’m really sorry.)

;-; damn I just realized everything I’m thinking is gonna come out wrong :D oh well. ngl in my opinion it’s just better than lying. or faking. you’re my friend🩷and I love you :p so it’d just be stupid to lie to you🩷I guess I might not be easy to forget but not really in a good way. if I left you’d remember me you just wouldn’t care(not targeted at specifically you). yeah I know I don’t- sorry if that sounds wrong I just felt like I explained it well enough the first time. I know I’m going through stuff, the only validation I ever get is from shock or disbelief, I wasn’t taking a break, i didn’t want it to be a break, it managed to turn into a break because I couldn’t get it done right the first time and :’) I’ve been in the corner🩷and I’ve read those posts. I don’t wanna go back there and I know eyes is gonna probably read this I’m not mad at anyone I just don’t like the feeling that comes with being there it hurts and I’m not gonna explain it I just don’t wanna talk to anyone and I know I’ve talked to some other people in some forums and that’s what made eyes think I was mad and then ni posted after she saw me talk about missing literally my closest friend that I’m so worried about and I talked to her on another forum and honestly I’ve said it before and I’m gonna keep saying it but you won’t miss me you’re fine together and you’re fine without me. omg I sound so mean :’) you wont wanna reply to any of it but if I make you hate me for hurting each of you then you’re probably not gonna want to talk to me anymore. I really do love you guys. and idk what to do about it but I love you all so much I hate myself and I can’t explain it. 

TW really inappropriate and triggering topics :p🤍skip over it tho honestly.🤍/gen(no but like✨more genuinity :p✨it’s not a word but like really if you can’t reply don’t🩷)

btw :’) there’re so many things thatre making me really overwhelmed or panicky right now and that turns into anger for me sometimes :’) and it’s just like. mostly with that *** 11 year old in my science class that faces his device towards me to hide it from the teacher and starts watching porn and like bro. it’s not like I look but it just makes me so mad. It’s so *** disgusting what is *** happening to people atp literally just stop it omg-thinking about the fact people do this makes me start crying :’) whys it even an addiction in the first place. I’m trying not to go on caps but I’m just shaking :’) because it bothers me so much bro why’re you watching porn literally just stop just stop- I’m not even joking he’s not built to be in a school. he’s literally not normal. that *** *** up your head and the fact it does *** that to an 11 year old makes me so mad. whatre this guys parents even doing- I know there’s that thing that goes "no matter how good of parents you can be your kids will always find a way to do something stupid" but not to this extent?? and then I tried getting a listener and this guy sent me a full *** *** of his *** and I just :’) what the *** is wrong with people- bro- I’m so done :’) and then in history all the guys in my table started talking about *** I shouldn’t be having to listen to and then this guy moaned and I’m just so *** done. then they started talking about how their friend got *** at seeing their other freind’s 7 year old sister? wtf. then they were talking about that same friend watching anime porn and the friend started looking at me and yelling that all the guys he knew watched it and that it was just anime. then I was just sitting comfortably and this guy kept staring at my legs until I moved and he looked up at me? then this other guy got mad that I didn’t wanna be his rebound pawn victim *** ***. and this other guys trynna get me to *** or else he’ll kill himself? okay. k.ys. literally wtf. I’m just so done :’) and then so many people on here think they get me and they kept trying to twist my words. and ngl eyes tags kinda bothered me a little fsr. especially the no pressure when there was clearly pressure. just stop saying that and the tyt they never mean it. I love eyes everything’s just getting on my nerves. but. it’s just adding onto everything else. and before it all you probably already know about how I failed to k.ms and I just want to give up atp. I’m literally venting in your space and I don’t *** know why. you can just ignore this blob of text if you want to. really tho🩷I was just trying to tell you the reason I was so mean or dry or rude etc wasn’t because of you and I love you <3 

:0 that sounded so sarcastic hehe xD🩷it’s okay it’s okay🩷🩷

I love that :0 the tiny comfortable celebration :0💜💜I loved it💜

yus but I love you more <3💓

eva :0 was that image from the emoji combination thing :0 I love it :0💕tysm💕

@iloveyouxx

_{howd I miss the last bit ;-; whoops hehe idk how to correct that. tysm**:D🩷}

_{yk I just realized I had more to add to my long vent xD about that same history lesson tho. and things that were said directly to me and other things that were said that made me wanna just} 

_🪂

_🕳️

_{but xD I should probably stop lmao xD probably. 🩷 I hope you’re okie when you see these so it doesn’t make you feel worse :’)🩷/gen}

_{I made everything about myself again and I vented too much again and in someone else’s space too. I’m gonna stay away for a while. I feel so bad about it. but this time I’m gonna actually deactivate my account so anytime I try to login I can remember why I last logged out. I only deactivated my account twice before overall. I’m gonna try to stay away. sorry.} 

@iloveyouxx 

no nadia i'm not mad, i'm not mad at all. i know you already set your account on 'break', and i feel really bad for being late, but i swear on my life i didn't mind it and i'm honestly genuinely happy you reached out to me and talked and explained. i'm not sure when or if i'll respond to that longer post (2nd one i think) but i read through it and i don't hate you and i'm not mad. 

the reason i don't reply or reply shortly to your posts like these (like also one in your forum quite a while back, where all i could say was ''i'm sorry'' (i know it might've seemed cold or sarcastic or bad, it wasn't meant to. just everything i wanted to say could've been taken wrong and the only thing i was sure of was that i was sorry)), is that i'm so, so scared to say the wrong things, to make it worse for you. maybe it is stupid of me, like i don't even give it a try, but i really really don't want to make anything worse for you. i don't what you to feel worse because of me. i don't want our friendship to get bad or awkward or weird. i want to be your friend. if i didn't, i wouldn't be doing all of this. i don't have much energy lately, putting effort into simple things has become harder and harder, but for my friends i have no problem putting in that effort and trying because i want to be a good friend. i wouldn't do all of this if you were just another user of cups to me. you're my friend, and right now the ones i'm keeping close, there's about 4. you're one of 4 people i talk to. you're one of 4 people i have in general, kind of even irl. you're special to me, nadia. 

if you don't want to reply, by all means, don't. i'll let go of this, forget it, so you really don't have to answer. but if you do, i'll read. but i won't be holding my breath. 

i hope you know i love you. genuinely honestly actually really love you. <3💗

@iloveyouxx

Youre on break, now, but i love you. Idk what else to say xD but i love you 🩷 



it’s already 2:30pm. i was supposed to be productive- 

-me every day

..

i think i’ll just stay silent for a while. i’m doing more harm than good. 

@justmeeva 

Love you eva ❤️

i wrote my english teacher a letter. an appreciation letter. and i gave it today, the last day of school, of 8th grade. am i overthinking because of it? absolutely. did i ask 2 different ai’s for an opinion about it? ..yes. is it something to be nervous about? probably not. i just wanted her to know that i appreciate her. maybe she’ll remember me then. 

@justmeeva

ur very kind eva ❤️ i have an aunt who’s a teacher…little letters like that help so much ❤️ im sure she loves it ❤️

“see you next year” they said. so about that…

i’m gonna miss them. despite everything, i’m gonna miss them.

rain, again. fits well. it’s usually been sunny and hot. but not today.

oh no.

..

@justmeeva

what's happened lovely…? /nfta 

well ***.

so she’s talking about me with a doctor over the phone. 

so far i’ve heard words like “teenager”, “antidepressants”, how mom said she wouldn’t really like them, “therapist”, and uh.. not hard to make out what and who they’re talking about. 

oh for ***’s sake.