Eva’s Crazy Mind

there’s too many people down there no way i’m going to them

i’ll just go when most of them have left

on the last minute lol

also mother was so lovely that she took my phone for the night and didn’t even bother to charge it so now i have to survive the rest of the school day with 4% ❤️

i better save it then so bbl. 

*** life. 

i had fun in school today. in pe. i laughed and felt cared for and all the *** emotions i can’t *** let myself feel why are you doing this to me life 

it’s just gonna ruin everything even more

*** me up more 

the urge to write a goodbye/thank you/apology letter “just in case” :’)

been thinking about it a lot more than i should lately. 

about what i would say there

about writing a note to the notes app explaining everything i was going through, how i’m sorry, a guide here, to this specific thread so they’d have all the answers, etc. 

and the passwords for all my locked notes

mainly keeping my parents in mind. 

so they wouldn’t have to ask “why”. 

so they’d know. 

and to my cups people, thanking them and sharing some things to remember me by (?)

@justmeeva

🥺 

*hugs if okay…* 

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

oof you shouldn’t have had to read those :’) i’m sorry

*hugs*

@justmeeva

*hugs tight* 

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

*hugs you* thank you friend 🩷

@justmeeva

thank you for what…? :') i didn’t do anything. 

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

for the much needed hug. 🩷

@justmeeva

*keeps hugging you then* 🥺

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

and for being ni, and for being my friend, and for being so “omg how is it possible”-y kind, and for caring about me, and for knowing how to comfort me, and for trying, and for being here, and for being in my life, and for being trustworthy, and for your sense of humor, and for understanding, and so many other things. thank you. 

@justmeeva

thank you, so freaking much, too. 🥺 thank you for being you. eva friend always has this way with words 💙 the way you always have the kindest, sweetest, most genuine words for your friends. thank you. ni friend needed to hear this 💙 

*really doesn’t know what to say* 🥺 it always amazes me how someone can be so caring? how… :') seriously, how… it’s amazing to me. i’m amazed by it, but i’m so grateful for it too. i’m grateful to have you in my life too, eva beanie, you have a vvvvvvvvvvvv special space in my heart and you always will have that space 💙 a space only *you* could fill in. 🥺💙 thank you for being you, too. :') thank you for giving me reasons to live. 💙 thank you for saving me, because you’ve saved me so many times. 💙 and i’m not just saying that i mean it :') 

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

yup, that’s the literally unreal kindness right there 🥺 those last words, they touched my heart in a really.. special way. especially those last words*. no matter what, i will not ever give up on you. it’s a promise, and i’m gonna keep it. i know our pov’s about your worth aren’t the same, but i’ll stand by what i see in you. always. self love, god even self acceptance, is hard, but maybe you can just try to believe you’re special and worthy to someone else. because you are. to me you are. 🩷

@justmeeva

“yup, that’s the literally unreal kindness right there 🥺 those last words, they touched my heart in a really.. special way. especially those last words*. no matter what, i will not ever give up on you. it’s a promise, and i’m gonna keep it. i know our pov’s about your worth aren’t the same, but i’ll stand by what i see in you. always. self love, god even self acceptance, is hard, but maybe you can just try to believe you’re special and worthy to someone else. because you are. to me you are.” ~ omigosh, now i’m seriously wondering how a hooman can be so freaking kind?! 😭 :') eva you’re one of the few people on this earth who remind me of the beauty in the world. :') 

i don’t think anyone but *you* could have said those words i quoted above, so genuinely, so kindly, so sweetly. 💙 only you could have written that. 🥺💙 

i agree with you eva beanie… you’re right. self love is hard. self acceptance is hard… it’s hard. it feels impossible. especially in those dark moments, the ones that feel comfy… the ones that feel familiar. being in the dark hurts, but the hurt and the pain is familiar, i think. 😞 in those moments… (they feel like years) it feels really *** impossible to love oneself doesn’t it? 

but yeah, i agree with you, i think it’s a good start - a great start - to accept the fact that we *are* lovable and that we *are* loved by our friends, by those who care about us, by those we care about. 🥺💙 thank you for standing by me, eva beanie, thank you for believing in me, thank you so so much, for not giving up on me. i hope you know i’ll try my vvvv best to do the same for you, too. 🥺💙 

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

i should probably just make a collection of all the times you’ve been  u n b e l i e v a b l y  sweet so anytime you wanna say otherwise i can just pull it out and be like 👉📒🫵.

but yeah. i don’t know how i could ever.. not. stand by you. believe in you. not give up on you (this part confused me too dw). there’s just no other way 🤷🏼‍♀️ 

i should’ve probably added “tw”s to all of those lol. oh *** well. 

not in crisis btw. or maybe just in my mind. but can’t do anything. won’t do anything. yet. 

“i promise i’m gonna visit”

just falling, and falling, and falling. 

i thought i was already as low as i could go, but somehow i’m still falling. i can do more, it turns out. 

kinda surprised nobody has noticed yet.

gonna listen to an introduction for the next school year today, they’re gonna do some pretty big changes in our schooldays. i know what i’ll be missing then.

almost started crying in school again :’) :D

it’s funny how that one specific thing is slowly but surely taking over more and more of my mind every day. 

i feel like i’m talking absolute meaningless nonsense. like my letters don’t form words and my words don’t form sentences. idk.