Eva’s Crazy Mind

trying not to overthink something rn. not very great in that lol. 

bbl. 

today’s one of those days where there’s no anger, i’m just.. broken.. and tired.. like.. get me out of here, please..

so much regret

and pain

and memories 

and realisation 

because you know how some days are just like- you wanna scream and throw *** around and everything 

but some days.. you just want to cry. to be held and comforted. to have someone telling you it’s okay. even if you both know it’s not. that kind of ***. 

and on those days, you realise how *** lonely you truly are. family doesn’t mean anything in those cases. friends.. are just not a part of your life anymore. you’re all alone..

even darkness leaves you alone for those times. 

and that, is a really lonely feeling. 

i think.. today might be the day my heart gave up too. 

i won’t seek love, or acceptance, or happiness anymore. i’ll just exist, until it’s time. 

my heart will be locked up completely, because something needs to keep it safe from this world.

but also.. i’m afraid i’m not able to love anymore. like.. at all. it’s almost like.. if you go, i won’t stop you. i want to, but i’m just too tired to. i’m sorry. 

i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry. 

i’m ready.. i’m ready to go.. please..

the feeling of the heart sinking. 

i’m drowning. barely holding myself above the surface. 

being distracted is the closest thing to being okay i can do. 

“be in danger or be the danger.”

my mom almost heard something she wasn’t supposed to hear-

a song that started playing on my phone- but i turned it off within like 3 seconds so i don’t think she heard- 

…

i.

am so. 

stupid. 

my sister saw something. 

***.

a title of a song. which- …

the tab was open on my laptop so the name of the song was on top there. and she saw it. and she pointed it out. 

i covered it with my hands at first. then, i laughed it out. i pretended that she just saw a part of a sentence and that specific part sounded bad. i pretended to laugh about the face she made. the reaction she gave. i got away. i think. 

i’m so *** stupid i have to be more careful with *** like that

*** ***-

my brother saw it too. ..

and he said it out loud. 

thank *** god my mom didn’t come to see what he was talking about. 

that would’ve been the end of me. 

like- literally.

i think there’s only one thing in the world that like really, really triggers me. it’s nothing you see every day so it’s okay- but that.. is legit traumatic. funny thing is, it’s because of a music video. funny. 

literally who comes up with this ***.