Eva’s Crazy Mind

@justmeeva

eva bean even if i have my own things to deal with… you’re still my friend and i care about you… it’s hard not to worry/think about you or be concerned. 🥺💙 

me loves you too, vvv much. 💜

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

i think.. something you can do, is try to be safe and take care of yourself, as much as you can. it would mean a lot. you’re very precious. 🩷 

i can’t be very supportive rn and i can’t expect you to have to take care of me too, taking care of ourselves can be a challenge enough already. you don’t have to do anything special for me, i won’t ask you to, just try to be safe. that’s all i want. 🩷

@justmeeva

“i think.. something you can do, is try to be safe and take care of yourself, as much as you can. it would mean a lot. you’re very precious. 

i can’t be very supportive rn and i can’t expect you to have to take care of me too, taking care of ourselves can be a challenge enough already. you don’t have to do anything special for me, i won’t ask you to, just try to be safe. that’s all i want” ~ 

i don’t really have words rn but what i can say is, likewise. 💜 you too… try to be safe okay? i don’t see myself as precious and… i know you don’t see yourself as precious either. :') but i’ll try to take care of me for you, eva friend 💜 please try to take care of you for me, too. 💜 you’re precious, beyond precious 💜 and not just to me. 💜 

thank you eva bean 💜

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

okay 🩷 *sending you optional hugs*

might go but i’ll be right back tomorrow. <3

@justmeeva

*hugs back* 

aww okay… take care if you’re leaving. try to be safe please… 💙 

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

you too 🩷 love you friend, lots and lots. ❤️

@justmeeva

💙💙💙

oof this scenario rn. 

whichhh.. triggered some memories that i now have to get out of my head. 

and fast. 

“she was so broken that even darkness felt bad and went to comfort her. now it’s all she really has. people come and go, but darkness is always there, somewhere. all the worst times they’ve passed together. only darkness really knows what she’s really going through.”

i uh.. i might take a look at some memories again. which.. are going to trigger flashbacks.. and we know what those mean for me. 

no promises.. on anything.

i didn’t do anything that night (kinda surprised-), but now i remember. everything. i know that one night they’ll come to me. and then i might. then i will. 

it was a bad idea, but i knew it would be. and at this point.. it doesn’t matter. who cares? i’m already *** up and will never not be, so it doesn’t matter. who cares?

@justmeeva

i care. 💙

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

❤️

@justmeeva

💙 i’m sorry

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s okay 🩷 thank you for caring. 🩷

@justmeeva

okay 💙 

gotta fake that smile all day today. can’t let them know. 

but i’ll take it with me.

tw. 

today’s mood is.. death. 

tw. 

that’s all i’ve thought about today. 

not gonna be able to do anything, just thinking. and.. imagining. 

tw.

imagining like.. what would certain people think of it. how would they react. how they’d find out. 

i wish..

i did pretty well pretending to be all happy and okay. 

now we’re driving to another place where i’ll have to do it again. 

but uh.. there was one thing that.. i have mixed feelings about. 

my uncle. we went to my grandparents’ house to celebrate easter, like every year. all my mom’s side relatives were there (that means my mom’s sister (my aunt) and her 4 children (2 of them like 18+ tho, all girls) and my mom’s brother (my uncle) with his new woman and 2 children (this time 2-) and obv my grandparents. i never thought anything of my uncle, until today. i don’t wanna overthink it or overreact, but he came behind me, and put my 2 braids around my neck (gently, not like- ok?) and then started massaging my shoulders. idk if it’s normal, i do not want to make it a bigger deal than it is, just- it was pretty uncomfortable. i tried to avoid him for the rest of the visit, just.. to avoid any other uncomfortable moments like this, and it worked out, except one time when he came to talk to me and my sister about the change of the floor of our house- (random, ik) as if we,  t h e  c h i l d r e n, would know  a n y t h i n g  about it- yeah idk. he’s always been this kind of.. physical interaction kind of person, picking us up, touching (not inappropriately tho) or tickling (more when we were younger), and i didn’t think it would be something unusual or not normal. until now. maybe i’m just more aware now, and read more into things like this? idk. idk idk idk. 

@justmeeva um, it might have to do with our age, thats making us more aware as you said of the extra touches, but either way, if it makes you uncomfortable, you should either avoid him or tell him that. Whichever you feel is safer. And- it didnt sound very comfortable to me. Like, the most touch my uncle would do is like, a pat to the head. Affectionate but respectful. So i cant imagine, you know, and i think id be uncomfortable too

the first part happened when my mom and few other people were there too, so my mom saw it. she didn’t think anything about it. maybe i shouldn’t too, then?

@justmeeva hmm i dont think it should depend on her opinion. Just how you felt

and- can i ask- if you can have like a safeword/phrase kinda thing with your mom, when ur outside? Like, you could say something like. Idk “the tiles are really nice” or something, and ur mom can know that you want/need to leave, and hurry up a bit? That kinda thing can help when visiting people. Um, i tried to introduce it in my house but my parents didnt agree. But you think you could try that?

@unassumingEyes 

i think it’s a good idea, and i’ll remember that “trick” for sure, but i’m not sure if it would work with my mom lol. she tends to.. absolutely ignore what we say when she’s anything near busy doing anything, and we have to repeat like 3 times and then she’s like “talk already i’m listening!” (she was in fact, not). and uncomfortable cases like this aren’t common, so it’s not necessarily.. necessary lol. but it’s a really good idea and i’ll remember it. thank you 🩷

it literally feels like everyone has some sort of weird uncle atp what’s up with that. 

@justmeeva huhhh youre right even i have one- altho in a different way- 

@justmeeva

…. yeah. definitely… :') it’s alarming how many people have weird uncles. :') 

possible tw.

literally why is living so hard. i’m like trying to exist and cope here, but that means.. doing something.., and then i have to hide it but not make it obvious that i’m hiding it because i don’t want everyone to be concerned or ask questions, and sometimes hiding it is basically inevitable which means i have to cancel on that plan or something which is gonna mess other things up.. why?

it’s like exist or live.