Eva’s Crazy Mind

they (classmates) commented on that one boy’s clothing again. again. there’s literally nothing wrong with him why do you- like what’s wrong with you? just let the poor boy exist 

i am so tired. 

mom’s in a mood again and she’s living it out on us (me) 😊

i don’t even wanna eat dinner anymore, don’t want to go back there. 

kinda wanna get away from everyone forever lol

the amount of times i’ve wished to disappear. 

be invisible. 

without all those glances from everyone. 

just like.. spectate the world sometimes lol. 

''where there once was a flame, only sparks have remained.'' 

i want to journal about my feelings and problems. i want to express myself with art. i want to write all those appreciation letters to my friends, to show them their values in my eyes. i want to have a hobby, a single one would be enough. i want to write a song about my struggles, something to completely relate to. i want to learn an instrument. i want to try to be a good student, for once. the one everyone thinks i am. i want to try to make a vent edit, to see if it works for me. i want to write stories. i want to make animations. i want to work on myself. i want to try different things. i want to find out things about me. i want to talk to someone. i want to get help. but i can't. i really just can't.

at this point, i'm just waiting for that certain day. that certain opportunity. waiting.

man i'm not in the mood for studying at all. i came across a kinda deep emotional video and i wanna keep that mood and just.. think. but as always, i don't have time.

my mom sent me this. i could only see one word there though. guess which. 

“oh but that’s so sweet, she’s not at all as horrible as you describe her!” huh? eh. you don’t understand. she’s just nice, right now. 

tw. 

death seems to be the theme lately. hm.

..

those comments my mom makes. the comparisons. the words she uses. please no. 

literally what am i doing with my life. and why do i have it?

ok i have a break in a few weeks. i can make it to that. 

''any questions?'' the teacher asked her students before handing out the papers. the boy labeled as 'the quiet kid' raised his hand. ''yes?'' the teacher said. ''how to get over depression?'' the boy asked. it's like every sound just disappeared from the world. the silence was loud. and long. everyone was quiet. even the teacher, who the kids thought knew everything, stayed silent. this was the boy's first attempt of asking for help, and might've just been the last.

those ways of coping are ways of coping but they're not making anything better. but it's really okay tho, because i don't wanna be better. i can't, i won't, i tried, i failed, no more, enough. i don't have words to explain it but the ways of coping are keeping me in my *** up world and i have nothing against it.

i've just accepted it. kind of. i stil get mad at life, i haven't made peace with it, but i accepted the fact that that's how it is. 

tw?
it almost feels like my life is already over.

i consider myself done.

i'm just one big tw lol.

feeling bad about smiling or laughing sometimes because 'if i'm generally doing *** i'm supposed to be doing *** all the time, otherwise i can't say i'm doing ***' :')

@justmeeva yea, feels like that

dude that the ***.

also my mom didn't even give me my phone back that she wasn't even supposed to *** take in the first place.

and also i..

yeah.

the urge is just becoming stronger every day istg.

tw don't even bother ruining your day/night reading those posts

i wanna ___ i wanna ___ i wanna___.

wish i could just.

literally *** everything.

it's really not so hard you just- and that's it.

idk what to say nothing matters anymore.

''see you later''.

crying in the restroom a little ❤️

what a great start to this great day.