Eva’s Crazy Mind

i wanna go but i can’t 

i’m stuck with this pain that i’ll never get rid of

and there’s no “good and bad”, there’s only *** bad, only *** pain

and that’ll never change will it

not for me

because pain is all i know 

and when i say that i’ll never be happy, it’s not me overreacting or just another part of *** depression or anything 

like i literally can not be happy

can’t even be okay

i know you don’t understand it

nobody does

and it’s nobody’s fault

but when nobody understands, nobody can help

so tell me, why the *** should i want this life?

like it?

accept it?

try to deal with it?

why?

there’s no point. 

i tried

and see where it got me. 

i’m tired of trying

i really am

it feels like my days are counted

will i turn 15 this summer?

will i finish 9th grade?

next year

will i go on that trip me and a friend planned to go to?

will i see the winter again in a year?

will i turn 18?

as for now, i do not know. 

as for now, i honestly doubt it.

“we’ll see.”

kinda big tw.

a boy in my class broke his pen today, and then he took a sharp piece of it and started mocking the girl that cut herself in school. he didn’t do it strongly so he didn’t cut himself, it was just to make fun of the girl. it was painful to watch. then, he asked me if i cut myself. i said no. but it wasn’t an obvious kind of no. i obviously wasn’t gonna tell him, but i still hesitated. i was afraid he was gonna ask for “proof”, thank god he didn’t. but i don’t wanna be here anymore. 

@justmeeva

he’s a bully. 😞 a big bully. people judge what they don’t understand. people hate. people hurt. that wasn’t right, what he said and did. i’m sorry such things happen in your classrooms, eva, that you witness such things and that you experience such things. it must have been scary and horrible ): 

i wish people in this world had more empathy or even tried to understand a little. i wish they would call what they don’t understand, what they haven’t experienced “crazy.” sh isn’t funny. 😞 

i wish they wouldn’t* call what they don’t understand crazy. i’m sorry. today’s typo day for me :') *smh*

today at school, this whole time i wanted to go to someone and say i need help. all those opportunities passed, and i did nothing. nobody noticed. nobody asked. i didn’t say anything but i wasn’t exactly my brightest self either. on purpose. but it doesn’t matter now. oh well. 

ohh and all the times i’ve thought about putting a note to my mom’s handbag saying “i want to talk to someone”.

@justmeeva  Hey :) I think it might be a good idea. I think it's great that she's open to the idea of you talking to someone professional. If it helps you - you know? It's worth a try - you're worth trying it. Sorry just had to add my opinion in here lol 😅