Eva’s Crazy Mind

@justmeeva

💜 i guess i understand how it builds up and it gets messy in our heads… and so damn overwhelming. and in that moment it’s hard to know what to do. so we just… mmmm. 😞💜 

ni friend don’t wanna be insensitive or anything… 💜 but from what me read me picked up… sh…? 😞 (you don’t have to answer if you feel uncomfy answering ok? 💜) 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

mhm.. and to think just a couple of months ago i told myself i’d never ever do that.. idk what happened to me. 

tw (you don’t even have to read those)

it’s like.. the 3rd time in my entire life, and they’ve always been triggered by flashbacks.. :’)

@justmeeva

then maybe we should come up with a safety plan, lovely? 💜 some kind of plan? 💜 for whenever you have flashbacks. 💜 idk. :') 

has evabuddybeanie cared for the wounds… yet…? /nfta 😞💜 mmm. one of my buddies on here once told me… while we’re hurting self… it’s hard to… idk - we really don’t think about being kind to ourselves or anything. it’s complicated but in short we might believe we don’t deserve kindness, we aren’t worthy of others’ kindness and our own. (a little secret, we do deserve it 🥺 but it hard to see that after everything we been through. 😞) 💜 even if it hard to be kind to self then, maybe we can try to be kind to self afterwards? by caring for self…? 🥺💜 

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

tw.

idk, atp basically anything can tigger those flashbacks. sometimes they just come and go by, just bringing the mood down for a little, but sometimes they stay and then i- mm. it all just happens so quickly, and though there are certain “signs” that i might do something soon, i (at least feel like i) can’t do anything anymore because once the “signs” appear, it’s already certain something’s gonna happen. it’s like nothing can help anymore, like it’s too late to prevent anything. 

@justmeeva

okay ): i think me understand that now, a little better, friend. 💜 if it’s okie to ask, what are the signs? 💜 again i don’t wanna sound mmm insensitive or nosy :') i’m so sorry if i do sound like that, i don’t mean to 💜 feel free to skip any questions i ask okie? evabeanie’s comfort is important. 💜 me don’t wanna pressure you to answer or anything 💜 

do the signs come in a certain order…? 💜 perhaps if you caught the first sign and felt okie enough to try to cope a different way? 💜 i think me understand how… you see the signs that you gonna do it ): and everything unfolds so quickly, like flipping the pages of a book quickly… it all goes by so fast and by the time things get a little less blurry, by that time we already hurt self… 😞 

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

tw

questions are okay 🩷 mm, the flashbacks that lead to.. this.. affect me most when i’m alone (quite obviously), and the way i know something’s likely gonna happen is that (idk how to explain it so it’s gonna sound very weird and dumb) i get restless, i start “playing” with my fingers and “squeezing” my blanket like a stress ball, looking around for either distractions or.. something else. idk i just know when it’s gonna happen, and by that time it’s already too late. 

tw again, no need to read

i also don’t use the “classical” (classical?) objects.. but idk if i’m allowed to talk about that so rn i won’t. 

@justmeeva

*hugs tight* 💜

@justmeeva

i think me understand that friend because it was the same/a similar way for me… 😞💜 *hugs you tight* i have something for you that helped me and a few friends on here. this: https://www.lifesigns.org.uk/read-this-first/ 💜 maybe just have a peek? 💜 

my brain’s making me be all numb and away as if nothing ever happened lol. but i know, you know. doesn’t change the past or make it nonexistent. 

kinda feel like breaking down rn but i’m not alone so can’t do that. 

too many emotions too many emotions *** *** ***..

i hate this *** life i have i wanna go away i can’t do this anymore

no matter how hard i try at the end of the day it’s all pointless my life’s pointless and meaningless why do i keep trying 

so many *** tears

all my dreams are gone and meaningless 

all the people irl who were so *** special to me left like it was nothing

it’s not gonna be okay it’s not 

not today not tomorrow not in a 10 *** years because i won’t be there in a 10 *** years 

i hope i don’t have to *** wake up tomorrow because i’m done i’m done i’m done

oh also a little trigger warning up there ^

*** ***

that’s me, breaking down. 

how can people get through things like this but not me why am i so weak

my head hurts from all this crying

and the tears are not stopping

i need help i’m not gonna make it out alone

god what am i saying i’m not making it out at all doesn’t matter if alone or not

i wish i never had to come to this *** of a world

i’ll never be okay

i’ll never get to be happy because all i know is pain

pain pain *** pain

happiness means pain for me so idk maybe i am happy i just can’t see the difference because it’s all *** pain

@EmmyMarie06

also i’m not trying anymore either because i’m done with trying i tried to try but nothing changed, if anything it all went for the worse so i’m sorry but i can’t try anymore

@justmeeva      your decision. but you cant get mad at yourself because you cant make overnight changes. no one on this earth can do that. give yourself time. 

i’m gonna go i probably shouldn’t even be on cups right now

tc

I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now 💙 Is there anything I can do to help? 

@mytwistedsoul 

no, nothing, but it’s not your fault. 🩷

Eva buddy? Hope you’re oki ❤️🥺