Eva’s Crazy Mind

there we go. as *** expected. since staying awake was literally impossible, i decided to get a few hours of sleep and then wake up really early to do the homework, to study for the tests. it didn’t work. now i have to go to school without a powerpoint and do 2 tests which’s topics are complete strangers to me. good job, eva.

oh literally *** you eva. even if you know what you would say, that you literally got the chance to start studying at 12am and that you tried, tried to stay awake, tried to study, then let’s be honest, you won’t get a word out of your mouth when you have to explain yourself to them. you either won’t speak or you will and you’ll cry. *** you.  *** *** ***

i’m gonna fail everything. i’m so *** stupid. 

i failed the math test, prolly didn’t get a single thing right bc i only finished 1/4 exercises lol, 2 i just left untouched and one i just- did something. l o *** l.

@justmeeva

*hugs if okie*

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

thanks love <3

@justmeeva

💗 (i’ve reached the heart limit again :/) 

oh nvm that was just a glitch lol :') 

almost started crying

twice :D

now gonna go to that chem (?) test <3

@justmeeva

wishing the best for you eva 💗

@yyeyiiLy 

i managed to do something hehe. thank you 💕

@justmeeva

:0 yay ✨ im glad 💕 always here for u 🥺

@yyeyiiLy 

💗🥺💗

no. 

ok. cool. no that’s just great. thanks life. 

i’m gonna go no words just- .

@justmeeva

*hugs*

@justmeeva @yyeyiiLy

*hugs for both if okie*

@justmeeva *sits and waits* 🪑

*sigh*.

idk. idk how i’m gonna tell her. idk how i’m gonna explain it. she’s not gonna understand. she’ll be mad, saying it’s stupid. so chances are, i won’t say anything at all. 

but that idea of hers - not happening. 

maybe some people just aren’t meant for this world..

@justmeeva At the risk of this sounding all wrong - maybe it's not so much that some people aren't meant for this world but maybe this world isn't meant for some people

Some people are just good and kind - beautiful souls and the world is so harsh and cold and takes advantage of them 💙

i feel so.. far away and lonely. 

@justmeeva

*sits with you if okie* 

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

*sits* <3

being an imperfect perfectionist is such an underrated struggle. 

honestly, sometimes i just wish i could quit talking. irl. i’m so incredibly bad at it i don’t even know how it’s possible. i speak as little as needed tbh but still. it’s still too much. i just- don’t know how to talk. 

the sky rn-

it looks so- magical.

@justmeeva

omigoshiii! so so lovely 🥺

@justmeeva That's so beautiful! Love the colors! 😊

i said “mom”, waited like 15 sec, said it once again, waited, then my little brother who was next to her said “mom”, another 10 seconds passed, he said “mom, eva’s talking to you” and like 5 sec later she finally answered. *sigh*.

i’m gonna try to explain this the best i can. 

my dad dropped me off at my mom’s workplace today. she told me she had some exciting news. there are different companies in the building. my mom had talked to some like idk french or smt man who has a 21yo son. the man is going to a trip for a while, the son will stay in my country. the son doesn’t really know anyone here, so my mom got the wonderful idea to take a day and take me, my 2 friends (the twins i mentioned just recently) who have absolutely nothing to do with any of this, and herself and go bowling. “he’s really nice” she said. i believe. “he looked like he was 16” ehehehe *sarcastic laugh* how amazing :D.

a r e  y o u  ***  k i d d i n g  m e? i’m like- i’m doing anything i can to avoid people at all cost, and then i get this? you’re kidding right? i really, truly don’t need (want) any new people in my life. i’m done with it all. i can’t, like i actually can’t mom. how do i tell her anything? what do i say? i can’t i can’t i can’t-

and it’s all my fault. it’s my *** social awkwardness. it’s my lack of- human interaction skills. it’s my insecurities. it’s my self consciousness. it’s my self hatred. it’s- the way i generally am. i ruin everything. and i can’t even explain it. what’s wrong with me? why do i have to be like this? why can’t i just be.. normal? i don’t know. 

in summary, *** me. 

@justmeeva

*hugs if okie* 

@yyeyiiLy 

*hugs back* thank you <3

@justmeeva I'm sorry but I have to disagree. This isn't your fault. You didn't get these insecurities on your own or the self hatred. Someone helped you with those.  Probably her. And a situation like that with bowling and being with someone you don't know - that's something I feel you should have been asked if you'd be interested in doing. Not volunteered for 😕

@mytwistedsoul 

yeah, i guess you have a point. 🩷 

funny how some strangers on the internet are more reasonable and understanding than someone’s own parent(s) /lh

@justmeeva I think too many parents have forgotten what it's like to be a teenager 😕 and they never seem to realize that they're the ones with the earliest influence on their kids 😞 

@mytwistedsoul 

yeah, i agree with you. there’s this quote “parents have no idea what it’s like to be a teenager in this generation”. i think it’s pretty fair. maybe they really don’t completely understand, but sometimes it feels like they don’t even try to understand. like they just don’t listen. and then they wonder why their teens don’t tell them anything :/