Eva’s Crazy Mind

it was just disappointment.

she basically said that i do this for attention and so that people would feel bad for me

i told her not to tell anyone

she said she won’t tell anyone if i stop doing it

i can’t make it a promise

she had all this pointless talk during which i just wanted to shout “shut up and leave me alone”

she said that i’m just doing this to myself, that i’m just choosing to view life from this negative perspective, that i just make everything worse in my head

idk what she’s gonna do now that she knows

god i don’t know what i’m gonna do now that she knows

I’m *** *** lmao

no but she didn’t even care that much besides being disappointed 

she didn’t see bc i didn’t let her see but she knows

i’m so *** done

now i’m thinking if i uh died she’d be disappointed too instead of sad or anything else

man *** family and *** her

*** everything honestly 

she’s not even sad she just blames me i- i can’t *** believe her

am i selfish for expecting that the day she would find out she’d care? like, at all? 

i’m not talking *** to her about mental health

why’d i ever think it would be a good idea in the first place aren’t i stupid

i’m gonna go i- idk. 

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for so many things right now. That's she's so shallow and narrow minded that she would think that you do it for attention. If that was for attention then why would you hide it? Just like her thoughts of how everything is screens. She's getting all the wrong information from all the wrong places. You are not to blame - she can't look deep enough into herself to admit that her and her behavior - her treatment of you are a factor. I'm so sorry I suggested that maybe you write her to try and speak that way.  I can totally understand why that's not an option. I'm sorry

@mytwistedsoul @justmeeva im sorry too eva. Im sorry some people just wont try to understand. You deserve better, way better, and im sorry thats not what youre getting.

Sending optional hugs eva ❤️ i agree with you soul- but dont feel bad about your earlier suggestion, you cldnt have known how she wld react. 

@unassumingEyes @mytwistedsoul

I agree with you both 😔 @justmeeva I’m v sorry too Eva beanie 💜 :') 

(Hugs for you three if okay) 😞

@mytwistedsoul 

no nothing’s your fault. i didn’t get to write or talk to her about it, she found out herself, in a way. talking to her, writing, communicating - they should’ve been good ideas. they should’ve been right to do. even i didn’t expect her to react.. the way she did. the thought was good, just the person was wrong.., i guess? anyway my point is, it’s not your fault. i don’t blame you at all. you’re understanding and supportive, you’re a good person doing good things. thank you for your words, for caring, for being here. <3

@justmeeva *offers safe hugs* thank you for saying that. I was hopeful that she would do right by you. I forgot in the moment how unpredictable and volatile parents are when it comes to their kids mental health and anything that might make them look bad or that they're to blame.  And how blind they are even when the truth is staring back at them through the mirror

i have to read for probably at least a few hours now. she’ll be checking on me so no phone. :/

@justmeeva

i’m sorry :/ 

today morning, she came to my room and asked if i’d show her. as if. 

“Seek Help, Not Information” 

•_•

thanks 👍

“Is 1212 an angel number?

Absolutely not. 1212 is an angel number.”

•___•

losing braincells here. 

@justmeeva huh-

i really don’t wanna go to school tomorrow. but this time, i don’t have a choice.

i got the book yesterday, the due date is tomorrow. i have read less than 40/140 pages. so i thought, i can just watch the movie.. but i’m not so sure how good of an idea it is to watch it at night before sleep now. so idk what i’m gonna do.

they’re so toxic, my classmates. so *** toxic.

back to hiding. 

there’s like this very specific but also not specific type of people that i generally avoid at all costs.

i don’t even have to know them (i never do) just like- a type ok. 

and omw to the entrance of the mall, i get like a busful of exactly this kind of people. in front of me. behind me. 

and ohhhhh how my self consciousness and overthinking took over 

my brain told me that they’re talking about me and staring at me and judging me, that everything they say is something about me

and we’re strangers. 

and this happens every day on schooldays. because every day after school i have to go to that mall to wait for my mom to pick me up.