in the wonders of my mindš.
hey there :D hm. last time I checked you didnāt look like meš§makes sense doesnāt itšsince there can only be one *me*āØone of a kind now arent Iš/sar. one out of 8118835999āØš·can you imagine :0 o right- you can- becoss youāre also one of a kindš sorrysorry haha :Pš¤im just messing around xDšalso itās 2am- but shush no snitchingš¤«Iāll sleep in a whilešwhen Iām feeling a bit more sane :>šš©·
wanted to have my own space.š for thoughts feelings vents or just anything on my mind.š
to whoever'sĀ coming acrossĀ :'3šplease dont lurk here.š©· I know anyone can have access to this forumĀ :')šbut please be respectfulš©·.(but honestly..I know someone will either way :Pš yāall get crazy nosy haha- itās alright.šnothing too interesting will be here anywayšif you would like to come in and be supportive itās completely okiešbut please donāt make it a regular or "normal" thing if that makes sense. just have a sort of limitšbecause Iād still like this to be just my space ^-^š)
goodnight I guess, you know, if anyoneās here xd not to be annoying but, I hope I die in my sleep, haha. anywhoo goodnight bye Iāll maybe manage to come back since you know how everyoneās gonna miss seeing me around :>/j sorry idk. lol. I donāt want to be negative. bye <3
um so
uh
i guess I was thinking about myself so much that I just thought when I came back everyone would be like gone already :ā) and I know no oneās saying anything but I havenāt been saying anything either and I just didnāt want to talk to anyone and. I still donāt. unless they talk to me and I donāt think anyone wanted to. or wants to xdĀ
I know itās a stupid post to make but I think the reason upvotes mean so much to me is because of I guess how this space used to be and it affected me a lot more than it shouldāveĀ
and it also makes me feel like I have friends even tho I keep telling myself I donātĀ
its just lonely
but um
my notifications TvT
thankyou <3Ā
itās way more than enough to make me feel better. even the random 2 upvotes by the user Iāve never seen before :p lol so sweet I havenāt even talked to them before but so sweet <3 theyāre probably amazing like all of youĀ
anywho Iām still making this in white text tho cause I probably sound stupid or said something um weird or maybe thisāll make more people leave or uh *nervous emoji*/j thankyou sm tho <3Ā
(oh and if you canāt upvote since you know, you so desperately want to/j than itās okay I think like 2 people ran out of upvotes but Iāll still accept your care telepathically)
Thinking of you, Nadiaabeanieee!š
@iloveyouxxĀ
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
awwwe! I missed youu so muchš
life isnāt the same without a sunniebeanieee hehe <3šš
@iloveyouxx
Just Nadiabeaniee being the professional "heart-melter" as always.š„ŗš„°
*keeps hugging tighttt*Ā
How's youuuuu?š
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
:0 just sunniebeaniee being the professional "smile spreader" as alwaysššāāļøā¤ļø
hugs vv tightšš«š
I could be better I guessĀ :') but youu make me feel betterš©·
hows youuuš?
@iloveyouxx
Haha I see what you did here.ššš
Oh nu, it's vv okay to leave a lil room to be better. You deserve to feel the best, but darn āØlifeāØ sometimes, yeah?š„²
Always happierrr to make you feel better.š¤š
I've been so and so, just making it through āØlifeāØ too.š¤
Receiving tags like "iloveyouxx upvoted your post" and "iloveyouxx has mentioned you" has been today's highlight for me.š„°š
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
eheheheššš
mhmš« š„²šlife doesnāt have much sympathy xDš¤like, at all xDš¤awwweš©·
hehe youāre the best and the kindest everr awwš„ŗš¤šš
aww its okayšš¤š āØlifeāØ smhšš« š*says stuff Iād never say to myself* but itās okie because itāll get betteršyou have to struggle a lot before being happy againšand struggling is a part of life andšand we love youu and weāre all here and itās okay because weāre never alone herešhugs vvv tightš
awwweš„ŗšš
Sunisshiningandsoareyou upvoted your post my brothers bir...
Sunisshiningandsoareyou upvoted your post when I was at m...
Sunisshiningandsoareyou upvoted your post
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou..
Sunisshiningandsoareyou upvoted your post @Sunisshiningandsoareyouawwwe!...
all of thesešIām not sure if I accidentally crossed any out but these made my day easierš©·and talking to you :p and staying in my room all day and not talking to anyone xD but youuu were the highlight of my dayš
@iloveyouxxĀ
i woke up today, and i thought about you, first thing in the morning. and then i came to cups, saw a notification from your thread, went to see if it was you or someone missing you, and saw that it was you. and my mind just went ''yippeee she's heree! <3'' hehe. even though it was you explaining some tough things you're going through, i was still happy to hear from you. you've been on my mind a lot <3 there's something in every day that reminds me of you. i'm glad you're here nadia <3 i will continue to love you, no matter what <3
*offers long optional hugs*
@justmeeva
TvT everything I think of saying sounds so horrible. but aww, your mind is adorable hehe <3 my mind is full of such stupid things and I canāt even reply properly >: Iām sorry. I donāt even know what happened I was half functioning a while agoĀ
I love youā¤ļø
forever hugs <3Ā
I triedĀ :') Iām sorry Iāll try again later. except I know I wonāt come up with anything better to say. thankyou for being my friend <3 maybe Iāll spend my time staring at a wall and thinking of a bunch of things I shouldāve said :D my brain is just so annoying it doesnāt have anything to do with you thoĀ
š©·š©·š©·
@iloveyouxxĀ
it's okayy i promise, i'll take the hugs since they're way more than enoughĀ šš *hugs forevereverever*
try not to feel bad, please? i have those times too, really really often where there are just no words no matter how much you want to have words <3Ā i'm not mad, i'm not expecting anything more from youĀ š you don't have to burden your mind with thinking of a reply, i'm satisfied with the hugs (:Ā š if there's no words, there's no wordsĀ ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆĀ Ā it's not your fault <3
@justmeeva
i had a reply written up and itās gone :D
sgshaghsmabsnsjlsksknjš©·thankyouš©·*hugs foreverevereverevvevrvrvr* <3Ā
I wanted to say Iām sorry because uh >: well of course 1 because Iām sorry if my reply in your space made you uncomfy or idk wasnāt needed or, idk TvTšit took a lot of courage lmao I shouldāve just not :D and Iām sorry becauseĀ :') the video thing. I kept trying to perfect it and I wanted to send it to you on your birthday. and it was perfect and everything but then I saw I donāt remember I think two people tell you happy birthday or send a gif or something and for some reason thatās what made me feel like my video wasnāt enough :p >: and I just spent that day hating myself and I never told you happy birthdayĀ :')Ā
happyā¦.very, veryā¦very. very. very, very late birthdayĀ :')šš©·*sucks at being a proper friend*
I donāt know if you saw (because I donāt remember where I talked about it) but I talked about having so many dreams about my cups friend like that she had a youtube channel or when I found out she worked at mcdonalds or when we got arrested but it was actually this like basically creature but only we could see it and, I know it sounds stupid TvT but now I had a couple of dreams with you in them, lol <3 I donāt remember a lot just very small things, I could tell you about them if you want hehe <3Ā
youre a very special friend to me even tho I guess we :p rarely talk :p but thatās my fault sometimes too. we could go 5 years without talking and Iād still remember you and think of you as my friend <3Ā
(itās 2am so maybe thatās why I decided to bring up like everything I could?š I know this is a lot and a long post and a lot to reply to, but you donāt have to reply to any of itš©·2am hugs, lolš©·I love youu I hope you get some sleepā¤ļø)
@iloveyouxx
*replies 5 hours later than 'in the morning' eughh*
eee nadiaa noo it didn't make me uncomfy i just got carried away and genuinely didn't see it <33 *pat pat* you're always welcome there i promise <3Ā
awweeĀ š„ŗ i'm preeettty sure that i would've loved it <3 but i completely understand the self doubt and extra criticism and everything <3 idk if you relate but if i do something for someone, whether it's a letter or video or drawing or anything, then since i've seen it over and over, it feels like weird or like something's missing, like it's not enough :') and then i wish i could see it for the first time so i know what the person i'm giving it to might think of it TvT but i promise you're just being extra hard on yourself, i'm 101% sure it's amazingĀ š©· i could've given you a hug or something smh feeling bad on my birthday is unacceptable! /hj /lhĀ š©·
thank youĀ very, veryā¦very. very. very, very muchĀ š©· *hugs you because it's not your fault and i haven't been a very good, or at least very active friend either i know*
:0 no i don't think i saw it? :00 dream*s* about me?? of course i want to hear, if you still remember them lol <3
yeah i think it's mostly my fault, i guess i'm just really afraid of saying something wrong or at a wrong time or making anything worse and i just- really don't want it to happen :') <3 but i agree, i'll forever count you as a friend no matter how much or little we communicate because it's like.. even if you're not there i know you're there? and you're basically a vip local guest in my brain atp with those random visits :p yes i think about you a lot <3
3pm hugs lolĀ š©· i love you moreeĀ š©·š©·
@justmeeva
Snkebsjdvsgsh Ā ahsvusndfejhd slekksahhahshrejjejs youāre so cute and sweet and kind awwwš„ŗšš
Iām really really really sorry I promise Iāll reply to this later, can you save it somewhereš©·like in the private section of your profile if you donāt want it to be somewhere outside cups or something, just incase and so I could be able to reply if this goes and youād have it savedš©·
Iāll reply right when I....well :p if I manage to be on and can reply Iāll reply but if not Iāll try and come back with another accountš
@iloveyouxxĀ
mhm i saved it š©· tyt iāll be waiting for you šš©·
@justmeeva
*goes back to teenie text* *hehe* <3
*replies 2 days later cause Iām an amazing friend* :> (5 hours is basically nothingš©·think about it, five fours, five minutes, same sameš¤·š»āāļøš/lh) but actually tho Iād be so proud of myself if I replied to someone after only 5 hours lol :pš©·
awwwe <3šthankyoušš©·*tells brain to shut up*š« š§ š
nu I relateĀ :') TvTš©·I felt horrible like itās all it took to make me hate it and no one else made a like 4 minute video or maybe they did and that would make mine not as specialšyouāre so kindš©·yus I feel the need to keep saying itššI forgot what it was like to talk to you :pĀ
š„ŗš©·*hugs you because it doesnāt matter and when you are here youāre the best friend ever*
ofcourse :0 I dream about cups a lot xD but dreams about specific cups friends are very very specialšI barely remember now ugh T^T a long time after the dreams Iād had remember them well enough but after I got āØinjuredāØ my memory is horrible, (it wonāt make sense how I know the people in my dreams are you but I just did in the dream I know I didšI hope it makes sense) in one dream I was having a panic attack in this really specific place I feel like Iāve seen it before, itās hard to describe and make sense of but I was behind this big thing with like seats and stuff and people and you turned around and looked down and you were justĀ ._. and I looked up ugly crying/j and you smiled and I tried to smile back and you went back :3 it was a short but sweet dream xDšanother dream was so so sooo long but I barely remember anything at allšwe were all animated (you were the main character in it thoāØ)and you were on a carpet or broom and I think it was like a competition thing it was such an amazing dream Iām so sad I donāt remember >:š©·I had a dream your dog was chasing me, he was a golden retriever, these dreams arenāt really crazy huh xD Iām gonna force myself to remember and Iāll tell you how it goes xD or Iāll try dreaming againšmostly I dream about the things I think of last before I fall asleep and I knew it before the scientific fact stuff I just knew it myself so hopefully Iād rememberš¤·š»āāļøš
*š®:D* why does everything I say sound sošI think about you a lot too hehe <3 and I understand, enoughš©·š itās okie <3š
3am hugsš©·š©·nope I love you more for sure:ppš©·š©·
@justmeeva
no wait I forgot to show you something :0š
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I just saw it and thought it looked cool and was like ševa :0š and wanted to show it to youš©·
@iloveyouxxĀ
*replies 1 day later cause i too am an amazing friend* :> (it'sĀ o k a yĀ 2 days is basically 2 hours pffĀ šš)
*takes all your self doubt thoughts away and throws them in the trash*Ā šļøš® there (: it *is* special oke i wouldn't compare it to anything i would just endlessly appreciate itĀ šš you made it so it's not even a question if it's specialĀ š©·
*sits and takes popcorn and reads*Ā š i wonder what i looked like in your dreamĀ šš¤š¶ *entertained* (*ends the thought here because i have no right words but it's cool and sweet and yeah i have no right words :D*)
i won't even say what i saw in my dream today they're wild broĀ šš they're either nightmares, an actual dream (/wish) or they're complete absurd nonsense.Ā š
*2:30pm hugs*Ā š©·š©·objection um no i'm pretty sure i love you moreš©·š©·/lhh
@justmeeva
*replies 1 week laterā¦* ā¦ :> (help what do you say for this one-)
š©·š©·think I had like 60 something retakes TvT they were all on the now non working device tho >: and no oneās actually trying to fix it :ā)š¤
you were blonde :p xD and really pretty :3šš
one time my dream was just a podcast about a wormššand the worm was..worming, what do worms even do :p they wiggle xD sorry xD they wiggle forwards. and today my dream was so long and confusing and I donāt remember much but it was basically just a cartoon with 2 main characters traveling to the past to events they were in and fixing stuff, itās not a real cartoon I guess my brain just made it upāØand I also had a dream where I saw ice (the cat) :ā) alive. the dream was sweet, I was talking to my cousin like oh so I misheard and sheās fine :0 and I just sat with her the whole timeš
(howās it always so early there :0š) *5:40am hugs*š©·šš©·Ā
D: *gasp* uhm objection speculation I definitely love you more D:šššš©·Ā
when I was at my aunts house for a couple of days I took someā¦well, a little more than some :p photos of the cats. hehe.
(only a few of them because cups only lets you put one at a time :p)
@iloveyouxxĀ They look so soft!
@mytwistedsoul
right? louis sometimes gets his fur tangled up mostly around his face. heās so pillow material :p ice is calm and sweet but she only trusts a few people to be around her so no one bothers her
@iloveyouxx Aww Ice and Louis š very cool!Ā
@iloveyouxx
Omigoooshhh!šš»šš»šš»
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
hehehe I knooww ššš„ŗā¤ļøš¾ I tried so hard to take a selfie with louis xD I failed so many times
etcšI got a few okay ones? xD also when I was trying to take another selfie louis actually saw himself in the camera and he got so scared and jumped so I stoppedššIām glad I got a bunch of memories hehe I took 400 and something photos and idk how many videos :pš
(I have to go charge my device and the room with the charger doesnāt have internet but Iāll be back<3)
*poof*
thankyou for talking to meš@Sunisshiningandsoareyou yous the bestest sunniebeanie everrrrevevrvrvevrvrr hehešyouāre the reason Iām happy todayš
@justmeeva and thankyou for posting I know my reply was like, horrible :p but you always have such amazing things to say <3š©·
@cathugsandharmony @LoveMyMoonflowers thankyou for flooding my notifications with loveššit meant so much to me Iām not deleting a single one until it goes on itās own hehe
imm being called :p byebye <3 thankyou for being such amazing friends! I actually really do feel better. even physically :p thankyou sm <3Ā
I forgot to mention :p Iām eating now. I donāt really have a choice. and I never knew but my weight is in the average scale, I never check my weight because when my anorexia was worse Iād check every 5 minutes or even less sometimes sometimes Iād be walking outside the room (with the weight scale) Ā and Iād look back and close the door and check again. and even when I was dangerously underweight Iād still break down looking at myself because I wasnāt skinny enough.Ā
somewhere while I was starving myself my aunt took me out and I told her I wouldnāt eat anything and long story short she forced me to eat and I was crying because I felt horrible and I started counting the calories it mightāve been and I started being dramatic and doubling and tripling the amount of calories because I thought I ate a lot. and she told me it hurt her to see me feel so guilty for eating :p and she said I needed to stop because I sheās had patients with anorexia and Iām acting like them. and I said I wonāt develop anorexia and she was like do you know what anorexia is
and I remember exactly.Ā putting my fingers around my wrist and I said "itās when, itās when youāre so skinny your bones pop out and youāre like a skeleton"Ā
ā¦.