in the wonders of my mindš.
hey there :D hm. last time I checked you didnāt look like meš§makes sense doesnāt itšsince there can only be one *me*āØone of a kind now arent Iš/sar. one out of 8118835999āØš·can you imagine :0 o right- you can- becoss youāre also one of a kindš sorrysorry haha :Pš¤im just messing around xDšalso itās 2am- but shush no snitchingš¤«Iāll sleep in a whilešwhen Iām feeling a bit more sane :>šš©·
wanted to have my own space.š for thoughts feelings vents or just anything on my mind.š
to whoever'sĀ coming acrossĀ :'3šplease dont lurk here.š©· I know anyone can have access to this forumĀ :')šbut please be respectfulš©·.(but honestly..I know someone will either way :Pš yāall get crazy nosy haha- itās alright.šnothing too interesting will be here anywayšif you would like to come in and be supportive itās completely okiešbut please donāt make it a regular or "normal" thing if that makes sense. just have a sort of limitšbecause Iād still like this to be just my space ^-^š)
goodnight I guess, you know, if anyoneās here xd not to be annoying but, I hope I die in my sleep, haha. anywhoo goodnight bye Iāll maybe manage to come back since you know how everyoneās gonna miss seeing me around :>/j sorry idk. lol. I donāt want to be negative. bye <3
um so
uh
i guess I was thinking about myself so much that I just thought when I came back everyone would be like gone already :ā) and I know no oneās saying anything but I havenāt been saying anything either and I just didnāt want to talk to anyone and. I still donāt. unless they talk to me and I donāt think anyone wanted to. or wants to xdĀ
I know itās a stupid post to make but I think the reason upvotes mean so much to me is because of I guess how this space used to be and it affected me a lot more than it shouldāveĀ
and it also makes me feel like I have friends even tho I keep telling myself I donātĀ
its just lonely
but um
my notifications TvT
thankyou <3Ā
itās way more than enough to make me feel better. even the random 2 upvotes by the user Iāve never seen before :p lol so sweet I havenāt even talked to them before but so sweet <3 theyāre probably amazing like all of youĀ
anywho Iām still making this in white text tho cause I probably sound stupid or said something um weird or maybe thisāll make more people leave or uh *nervous emoji*/j thankyou sm tho <3Ā
(oh and if you canāt upvote since you know, you so desperately want to/j than itās okay I think like 2 people ran out of upvotes but Iāll still accept your care telepathically)
Thinking of you, Nadiaabeanieee!š
@iloveyouxxĀ
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
awwwe! I missed youu so muchš
life isnāt the same without a sunniebeanieee hehe <3šš
@iloveyouxx
Just Nadiabeaniee being the professional "heart-melter" as always.š„ŗš„°
*keeps hugging tighttt*Ā
How's youuuuu?š
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
:0 just sunniebeaniee being the professional "smile spreader" as alwaysššāāļøā¤ļø
hugs vv tightšš«š
I could be better I guessĀ :') but youu make me feel betterš©·
hows youuuš?
@iloveyouxx
Haha I see what you did here.ššš
Oh nu, it's vv okay to leave a lil room to be better. You deserve to feel the best, but darn āØlifeāØ sometimes, yeah?š„²
Always happierrr to make you feel better.š¤š
I've been so and so, just making it through āØlifeāØ too.š¤
Receiving tags like "iloveyouxx upvoted your post" and "iloveyouxx has mentioned you" has been today's highlight for me.š„°š
@iloveyouxxĀ
i woke up today, and i thought about you, first thing in the morning. and then i came to cups, saw a notification from your thread, went to see if it was you or someone missing you, and saw that it was you. and my mind just went ''yippeee she's heree! <3'' hehe. even though it was you explaining some tough things you're going through, i was still happy to hear from you. you've been on my mind a lot <3 there's something in every day that reminds me of you. i'm glad you're here nadia <3 i will continue to love you, no matter what <3
*offers long optional hugs*
@justmeeva
TvT everything I think of saying sounds so horrible. but aww, your mind is adorable hehe <3 my mind is full of such stupid things and I canāt even reply properly >: Iām sorry. I donāt even know what happened I was half functioning a while agoĀ
I love youā¤ļø
forever hugs <3Ā
I triedĀ :') Iām sorry Iāll try again later. except I know I wonāt come up with anything better to say. thankyou for being my friend <3 maybe Iāll spend my time staring at a wall and thinking of a bunch of things I shouldāve said :D my brain is just so annoying it doesnāt have anything to do with you thoĀ
š©·š©·š©·
@iloveyouxxĀ
it's okayy i promise, i'll take the hugs since they're way more than enoughĀ šš *hugs forevereverever*
try not to feel bad, please? i have those times too, really really often where there are just no words no matter how much you want to have words <3Ā i'm not mad, i'm not expecting anything more from youĀ š you don't have to burden your mind with thinking of a reply, i'm satisfied with the hugs (:Ā š if there's no words, there's no wordsĀ ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆĀ Ā it's not your fault <3
@justmeeva
i had a reply written up and itās gone :D
sgshaghsmabsnsjlsksknjš©·thankyouš©·*hugs foreverevereverevvevrvrvr* <3Ā
I wanted to say Iām sorry because uh >: well of course 1 because Iām sorry if my reply in your space made you uncomfy or idk wasnāt needed or, idk TvTšit took a lot of courage lmao I shouldāve just not :D and Iām sorry becauseĀ :') the video thing. I kept trying to perfect it and I wanted to send it to you on your birthday. and it was perfect and everything but then I saw I donāt remember I think two people tell you happy birthday or send a gif or something and for some reason thatās what made me feel like my video wasnāt enough :p >: and I just spent that day hating myself and I never told you happy birthdayĀ :')Ā
happyā¦.very, veryā¦very. very. very, very late birthdayĀ :')šš©·*sucks at being a proper friend*
I donāt know if you saw (because I donāt remember where I talked about it) but I talked about having so many dreams about my cups friend like that she had a youtube channel or when I found out she worked at mcdonalds or when we got arrested but it was actually this like basically creature but only we could see it and, I know it sounds stupid TvT but now I had a couple of dreams with you in them, lol <3 I donāt remember a lot just very small things, I could tell you about them if you want hehe <3Ā
youre a very special friend to me even tho I guess we :p rarely talk :p but thatās my fault sometimes too. we could go 5 years without talking and Iād still remember you and think of you as my friend <3Ā
(itās 2am so maybe thatās why I decided to bring up like everything I could?š I know this is a lot and a long post and a lot to reply to, but you donāt have to reply to any of itš©·2am hugs, lolš©·I love youu I hope you get some sleepā¤ļø)
@iloveyouxx
*replies 5 hours later than 'in the morning' eughh*
eee nadiaa noo it didn't make me uncomfy i just got carried away and genuinely didn't see it <33 *pat pat* you're always welcome there i promise <3Ā
awweeĀ š„ŗ i'm preeettty sure that i would've loved it <3 but i completely understand the self doubt and extra criticism and everything <3 idk if you relate but if i do something for someone, whether it's a letter or video or drawing or anything, then since i've seen it over and over, it feels like weird or like something's missing, like it's not enough :') and then i wish i could see it for the first time so i know what the person i'm giving it to might think of it TvT but i promise you're just being extra hard on yourself, i'm 101% sure it's amazingĀ š©· i could've given you a hug or something smh feeling bad on my birthday is unacceptable! /hj /lhĀ š©·
thank youĀ very, veryā¦very. very. very, very muchĀ š©· *hugs you because it's not your fault and i haven't been a very good, or at least very active friend either i know*
:0 no i don't think i saw it? :00 dream*s* about me?? of course i want to hear, if you still remember them lol <3
yeah i think it's mostly my fault, i guess i'm just really afraid of saying something wrong or at a wrong time or making anything worse and i just- really don't want it to happen :') <3 but i agree, i'll forever count you as a friend no matter how much or little we communicate because it's like.. even if you're not there i know you're there? and you're basically a vip local guest in my brain atp with those random visits :p yes i think about you a lot <3
3pm hugs lolĀ š©· i love you moreeĀ š©·š©·
@justmeeva
Snkebsjdvsgsh Ā ahsvusndfejhd slekksahhahshrejjejs youāre so cute and sweet and kind awwwš„ŗšš
Iām really really really sorry I promise Iāll reply to this later, can you save it somewhereš©·like in the private section of your profile if you donāt want it to be somewhere outside cups or something, just incase and so I could be able to reply if this goes and youād have it savedš©·
Iāll reply right when I....well :p if I manage to be on and can reply Iāll reply but if not Iāll try and come back with another accountš
@iloveyouxxĀ
mhm i saved it š©· tyt iāll be waiting for you šš©·
@justmeeva
*goes back to teenie text* *hehe* <3
*replies 2 days later cause Iām an amazing friend* :> (5 hours is basically nothingš©·think about it, five fours, five minutes, same sameš¤·š»āāļøš/lh) but actually tho Iād be so proud of myself if I replied to someone after only 5 hours lol :pš©·
awwwe <3šthankyoušš©·*tells brain to shut up*š« š§ š
nu I relateĀ :') TvTš©·I felt horrible like itās all it took to make me hate it and no one else made a like 4 minute video or maybe they did and that would make mine not as specialšyouāre so kindš©·yus I feel the need to keep saying itššI forgot what it was like to talk to you :pĀ
š„ŗš©·*hugs you because it doesnāt matter and when you are here youāre the best friend ever*
ofcourse :0 I dream about cups a lot xD but dreams about specific cups friends are very very specialšI barely remember now ugh T^T a long time after the dreams Iād had remember them well enough but after I got āØinjuredāØ my memory is horrible, (it wonāt make sense how I know the people in my dreams are you but I just did in the dream I know I didšI hope it makes sense) in one dream I was having a panic attack in this really specific place I feel like Iāve seen it before, itās hard to describe and make sense of but I was behind this big thing with like seats and stuff and people and you turned around and looked down and you were justĀ ._. and I looked up ugly crying/j and you smiled and I tried to smile back and you went back :3 it was a short but sweet dream xDšanother dream was so so sooo long but I barely remember anything at allšwe were all animated (you were the main character in it thoāØ)and you were on a carpet or broom and I think it was like a competition thing it was such an amazing dream Iām so sad I donāt remember >:š©·I had a dream your dog was chasing me, he was a golden retriever, these dreams arenāt really crazy huh xD Iām gonna force myself to remember and Iāll tell you how it goes xD or Iāll try dreaming againšmostly I dream about the things I think of last before I fall asleep and I knew it before the scientific fact stuff I just knew it myself so hopefully Iād rememberš¤·š»āāļøš
*š®:D* why does everything I say sound sošI think about you a lot too hehe <3 and I understand, enoughš©·š itās okie <3š
3am hugsš©·š©·nope I love you more for sure:ppš©·š©·
@justmeeva
no wait I forgot to show you something :0š
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I just saw it and thought it looked cool and was like ševa :0š and wanted to show it to youš©·
@iloveyouxxĀ
*replies 1 day later cause i too am an amazing friend* :> (it'sĀ o k a yĀ 2 days is basically 2 hours pffĀ šš)
*takes all your self doubt thoughts away and throws them in the trash*Ā šļøš® there (: it *is* special oke i wouldn't compare it to anything i would just endlessly appreciate itĀ šš you made it so it's not even a question if it's specialĀ š©·
*sits and takes popcorn and reads*Ā š i wonder what i looked like in your dreamĀ šš¤š¶ *entertained* (*ends the thought here because i have no right words but it's cool and sweet and yeah i have no right words :D*)
i won't even say what i saw in my dream today they're wild broĀ šš they're either nightmares, an actual dream (/wish) or they're complete absurd nonsense.Ā š
*2:30pm hugs*Ā š©·š©·objection um no i'm pretty sure i love you moreš©·š©·/lhh
@justmeeva
*replies 1 week laterā¦* ā¦ :> (help what do you say for this one-)
š©·š©·think I had like 60 something retakes TvT they were all on the now non working device tho >: and no oneās actually trying to fix it :ā)š¤
you were blonde :p xD and really pretty :3šš
one time my dream was just a podcast about a wormššand the worm was..worming, what do worms even do :p they wiggle xD sorry xD they wiggle forwards. and today my dream was so long and confusing and I donāt remember much but it was basically just a cartoon with 2 main characters traveling to the past to events they were in and fixing stuff, itās not a real cartoon I guess my brain just made it upāØand I also had a dream where I saw ice (the cat) :ā) alive. the dream was sweet, I was talking to my cousin like oh so I misheard and sheās fine :0 and I just sat with her the whole timeš
(howās it always so early there :0š) *5:40am hugs*š©·šš©·Ā
D: *gasp* uhm objection speculation I definitely love you more D:šššš©·Ā
when I was at my aunts house for a couple of days I took someā¦well, a little more than some :p photos of the cats. hehe.
(only a few of them because cups only lets you put one at a time :p)
@iloveyouxx
Omigoooshhh!šš»šš»šš»
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
hehehe I knooww ššš„ŗā¤ļøš¾ I tried so hard to take a selfie with louis xD I failed so many times
etcšI got a few okay ones? xD also when I was trying to take another selfie louis actually saw himself in the camera and he got so scared and jumped so I stoppedššIām glad I got a bunch of memories hehe I took 400 and something photos and idk how many videos :pš
@iloveyouxxĀ They look so soft!
@mytwistedsoul
right? louis sometimes gets his fur tangled up mostly around his face. heās so pillow material :p ice is calm and sweet but she only trusts a few people to be around her so no one bothers her
@iloveyouxx Aww Ice and Louis š very cool!Ā
(I have to go charge my device and the room with the charger doesnāt have internet but Iāll be back<3)
*poof*
thankyou for talking to meš@Sunisshiningandsoareyou yous the bestest sunniebeanie everrrrevevrvrvevrvrr hehešyouāre the reason Iām happy todayš
@justmeeva and thankyou for posting I know my reply was like, horrible :p but you always have such amazing things to say <3š©·
@cathugsandharmony @LoveMyMoonflowers thankyou for flooding my notifications with loveššit meant so much to me Iām not deleting a single one until it goes on itās own hehe
imm being called :p byebye <3 thankyou for being such amazing friends! I actually really do feel better. even physically :p thankyou sm <3Ā
I forgot to mention :p Iām eating now. I donāt really have a choice. and I never knew but my weight is in the average scale, I never check my weight because when my anorexia was worse Iād check every 5 minutes or even less sometimes sometimes Iād be walking outside the room (with the weight scale) Ā and Iād look back and close the door and check again. and even when I was dangerously underweight Iād still break down looking at myself because I wasnāt skinny enough.Ā
somewhere while I was starving myself my aunt took me out and I told her I wouldnāt eat anything and long story short she forced me to eat and I was crying because I felt horrible and I started counting the calories it mightāve been and I started being dramatic and doubling and tripling the amount of calories because I thought I ate a lot. and she told me it hurt her to see me feel so guilty for eating :p and she said I needed to stop because I sheās had patients with anorexia and Iām acting like them. and I said I wonāt develop anorexia and she was like do you know what anorexia is
and I remember exactly.Ā putting my fingers around my wrist and I said "itās when, itās when youāre so skinny your bones pop out and youāre like a skeleton"Ā
ā¦.
