in the wonders of my mind💗.

it wasn’t that. and I remember she was trying to explain and 

I used to think you’re born with anorexia. like I knew it was an eating disorder but I didn’t know it was like…I don’t know. I was such a stupid kid I thought my aunt was the one that didn’t understand 

and now I have anorexia.

womp womp

but yeah I’ve been eating. I hate the fact my weights average I’m not proud of it

my goal is, 34 kg :’) 

tw mentions of sh and methods of sh

I was just sitting. at 4am, and I couldn’t stop thinking about the lighter and ever since I found it I’ve had the biggest most unavoidable urge to put it to my skin. and I got the lighter out and I lit it up. I didn’t put it to my skin. (to see what would happen, and also I just really really wanted to see something burn) I got a tissue and I lifted my finger a bit so that the fire wasn’t too strong and I only put it to the edge of the tissue and for a second and the whole thing was burning and the fire got huge and my hand I dropped it my hand is fine. and it fell to the floor and it was still all on fire and I got on the floor and started blowing on it which I know stupid but it doesn’t matter it went so fast I got so scared. and the tissue was black and ripped up at this point but the fire was still there and a part of it started floating directly up for some reason. I managed to put it out but I swear I’m never touching a lighter ever again :’) 

I used to, I mean, I don’t like calling it sh. I don’t like saying I sh. I don’t, I just like hurting myself and even if I go as far as *deleted but idk fill it in I guess* I still won’t call it sh, I used to hurt myself with a lighter. and my dad found it and thought I was vaping and I didn’t sleep for days because he never stopped 

my hand smells burnt :’) I’m gonna go wash it

_{so um :D😅😭}

_{this space might go soon- again. but I don’t want it to this time. my device is in a whole other place with my aunt and it’s getting reseted and I mean I’m not really calm about it I spent all night until sunrise crying until it was a normal time to be awake to go outside my room. reseted is like everything I have so much on there it’s like my whole life someone said my device is old as rocks which rude but yeah and I love it I have photos of me in 2011 and so many silly 3am notes and drawings and I have so many accounts I made a whole new apple id just to get a verification code for this cups account (idk if that’s a lot now but it was just the longest process)}

_{I’ve had that device reseted before after a lot and I know what it would be like}

_{its so much to think about like even my school apps and e safety thing and school accounts it was so complicated last time and I have to stop everyone again and always be behind again and work up all that courage again and get yelled at again} 

_{im so unbelievably stupid I locked myself out of my own device because I can never remember anything}

_{i thought this would be like a short straightforward, understandable, simple post just briefly explaining what happened and saying I’ll explain more another time or if i come back or something I’ll explain but yeah.} 

_{I’m still here I guess}

I’m back :p

I set an alarm for one hour because I could barely open my eyes, lol :’)

I lied I did go back to the lighter :’)

I’m so mad at myself 

like it’s the same mistake again I literally changed the password after that to something more simple and I can’t even remember that 

_{I looked at the time and it was 5:09 am. and I just looked again and it’s 4:34 am}

_{tw sh, attempts}

_{you know how, I’ve talked about attempting here a lot} 

_{and I have attempted, a lot. lol.} 

_{but this time it’s just really different}

_{I’ve mentioned here before basically a way of doing it but I wasn’t specific I was just saying how I can’t get myself to do it because that way it’s immediate death and it would be like it can’t turn into just an attempt and you would’ve committed if you did that} 

_{and I did that. and a bunch of other stuff it was just a few minutes where I was really just destroying myself it felt so horrible but good and I don’t know I loved it it felt so chaotic}

_{i don’t think it’s bad that I liked it tho it’s just a feeling and I like hurting myself it’s just satisfying it doesn’t mean anything crazy} 

_{every other time my dad would get so mad because you know attention seeking drama queen liar and if it’s not life or death then the fact he has to pay makes him mad too. and he also says people will think I’m crazy and they’re gonna be scared of me if they find out? I’m not possessed?} 

_{the school emailed my dad one time basically wanted to send me to therapy. and he got so mad and stuff happened and I didn’t sleep that night, and I told my (ex) friend how they wanted to send me to therapy but that’s all I said. and she just joked about needing therapy and how I was lucky, and my dad saw the messages and he got so mad because therapy is for psychopaths and dangerous people and everyone’s gonna think I’m a freak and I said that’s not true and he was like yeah what’re they for then and I said you can just be sad and go to therapy and that made it so much worse I would’ve rather been stabbed to being there}

_{i actually thought that for a while tho. that therapists are for psychopaths. psychopaths aren’t just crazy people tho there’s so much to them psychopathy is  a generic/inherited condition. that girl in my year7 class that chased a guy with a metal water bottle with intentions of giving him a concussion. and you know had a pocket knife and a spare and would say some creepy things. she was diagnosed with some stuff but people just talk bad about her I feel bad. I was her best friend for a year idk she’s not actually a bad person (random topic switch I didn’t even notice :p)}

_{I can’t feel my fingers :') I’m gonna set a like 30 minute alarm and I’ll be back if it wakes me up :p} 

_{the suns up. it’s 5:14am}

_{goodnight(for 30 minutes :D)}

_{(yeah I never managed to get to how this attempt was different but it’s fine)}

_{the alarm didn't wake me up}