In the Corner

Ok ppls. I really really shld study. So if u see me on cups too much do not hesitate to bonk me with a couple of baguettes 🥖🥖 Till i study :p 

okay but srsly 26 march its like i cn do this but i cnt :000000

Tw (just nonsense, rlly long nonsense)

so like. 

I feel like dad was told or u know just learnt that like its perfectly normal and okay to hit kids a couple of times its no big deal its discipline etc.

and like he didnt do that, but like there were i remember threats of being hit or like locked outside for months and stuff

and i just remember like, not caring-

like. I lied to dad, knowing that he knows im lying, without being like “oh whatll he do im making him angrier” i literally knew he knew and just kept the act up and he gave up and left the room angrily. 

Nd like he was like if u dont finish ur water at school we wont let u in and then, like, id give sm frnds my water and that turned into this whole thing where i always take an extra water bottle to school and if anyone, whoever they maybe, forgets their water bottle i give them my extra and ppl just started knowing to come and ask me if i had water xD.

and once i was rlly mad and crying at like age8 i think and he held the hair brush and said he was gonna hit me a lot if i dont stop crying and i legit had to fight of laughter while sobbing because 8year old me just found it so weird that he was acting like threatening to hit me was gonna calm me down or smth. And my sis was looking at me with a whole “pls stop crying he’s so angry” look and i just remember looking at her and thinking “what are u so worried about? If he hits me im just gonna start crying louder so he fails anyways” and i was crying the whole time but i felt like bitterly amused too and its like

he could be scary. And id get nervous but i was never scared. 

I think he maybe picked up on that and just had a whole “what am i even doing trynna scare her” thing or else like, maybe when he pulled my arm years later he decided that no, thats not a good way to teach or what, but he just stopped like with the threats and stuff and now his threats are things like cancelling a trip or smth nd im just like

huh, you know. Huh.

i think the fact i wasnt scared also like helps me trust him now. Cuz like. 6,7,8 etc year old me’s knew not to flinch at this guy raising his hand. I dont think hes gonna hurt me xD

there was the arm incident yeah i dont like it when he gets too close while angry makes me kinda aware of it but like, i dont expect any intention to hurt. His whole threats and stuff was just scare into discipline- and when that didnt work and almost reached hurt into discipline he backed off so like.

idk lol. Just, we hv a messed up society, but he turned out pretty okay anyways, and my relationship with him is pretty okay anyways, so u know. :p

Um uncle’s not home nd aunt’s in a bad mood nd busy but mom went to pick up sis at around 12.30 and it usually takes one hour but its 2.15 and theyre not back nd im just sitting here wondering if i shld be doing smth about that :p

My first listener wasnt bad tbh i think i just cldnt handle hving someones full attention on me 

Tw when i mentioned the breathing that, what feels like years ago but wasnt really that long ago, that was kinda my all or nothing. Like, i really exoected to be alone by the end of that whole..convo. It was, is, was, idk, smth kinda like shameful. Embarrassing. The kinda thing a crazy person would do. Everyone would be disgusted or scared and leave when i mention it.

only, the first time i ever mentioned it in my life, yall stayed. And when i referenced it again and again and again, yall stayed.

i still process that sometimes. I was prepared to be alone that day. To this day i am not alone. It is not smth easy to process xD

I feel like im pulling away. Talking to people who im close to suddenly isnt so natural anymore. It took me effort to message my best friend ramadan mubarak. I had what felt like an awkward convo with a cups friend on here recently too. The other day i snapped twice at my 7yr old cousin- first time she saw a hint of my anger. My friend has given me like a planner kinda thing for us to plan things together and i havent written a word in it. I push away any thoughts of it, making excuses that it doesnt matter rn, exams matter rn. Its not much but i feel like im fading back. Building all these walls around until im just a memory. But im not trynna do that u know? Its just happening and i dont rlly want it to i think 

I dont wanna come on here if it means i cnt feel like eyes anymore. I dont wanna try to help if its not me helping anymore and idk what that means but i also do and i dont like it, i dont like these walls

*yells into microphone* hey people!! You are loveeed!! *throws flowers 💐💐💐* 

Everyone in the fam that gets headaches has one today. We're all a mess of headaches trynna take care of each other and worrying bout 14yr old cousin not being able to go to smth imp if his headache doesnt go 

And 7yr old cousin chose today to get mad at 14yr old cousin and act alarmingly jealous of him

*sigh*

Yeah-