In the Corner

Things just making it harder

Tw Even if i were to get full this year which is an impossible feat, my grd9 marks were too low to let me get the scholarship. The moment she finds out, 

Yeah, you know, yelling blablabla

the urge to run increases day by day by day

@unassumingEyes aw...eyes... i'm soz mate... :(  -🕷

Tw everytime i talk to my dad on the phone he tries to motivate me nd tells me to struggle now nd rest later and that i got this, i just need to focus on studies and i cn do this and everytime i say okay and he doesnt know how hot i get or how close to crying i am or how i know theres nothing i cn do to change the fact that im not that good i just tell him im trying and he says thats good but i know when this is all over hes gonna think i didnt try hard enough and its not fair 

I feel like i should deactivate my account for a bit. Lay low, safe from sister's investigation and take a break from cups aswell.

But i also dont know if i cn just up and leave. Theres probably just like 3 ppls here who'll notice but i dont handle leaving well (or, at all xD) 

The smart thing also has to be the painful thing doesnt it 😔

@unassumingEyes i literally dont know what to do looool xD 

@unassumingEyes 

awwe you’d be vvv missed if you left eyes buddy, even if not left left 🥺

@justmeeva i think i wont leave maybe. Maaaaaaaaaybe. 

@unassumingEyes 

i absolutely support breaks, they’re needed sometimes and that’s okay and makes sense, and if it would make things better for you then of course take one, but it’s important that you do it for yourself and that it actually helps you ❤️

@justmeeva

(taking a break is one of the worst things i could do for present me rn.

but one of the best things i could do for future me rn. 

And idk which is more important. 

Idk who Im living for)

Tw i kinda had…..two panic attacks last night? Again, no breathing issues, (thats never a symptom, which makes me confused if it is a panic attack) but nausea? Check. Panicking a ton? Check :0

I think ive already kinda given up on my exams. I dont let myself hope theyll go okay, or that the aftermath will be okay. Better to expect pain and never get it than let myself hope and be hurt.

(Hope is important, in the grand scheme of things. Hope does not always end pain- but without hope, there is only pain)

Im scared. Its stupid, i tell myself their reaction to whatever marks i get will just be a louder version of the 9th grade exams but im scared. It feels like everything depends on these exams which are 11 days away- everything. And im gonna mess this up. Encouragement makes me feel sick. Dont say i can do this. I cant do this. I know i cant. Somethings I just cant do. Im scared. Im scared of a stupid piece of paper saying something like i got 88%. Im so scared. I feel like i cant even do maths right this year. Its too soon. Im so scared and its so stupid and i cant stop this from happening, nothings gonna change the fact that when i get my result in july/august everyones gonna yell at me and be mad at me like last year i just cant its not fair i just want a single person in the family to say that maybe, just maybe, its okay if i dont reach their expectations, but they never will, they dont believe its okay, theyll yell at me nd mom will say all i did was take the phone or ipad and ask me what have i been doing this whole year if im still gonna get “bad” marks and ill say i was trying and she wont believe me she’ll yell its not enough im scared man ive been in burnout since forever ive already given up on avoiding this all but i cnt resign myself to it either

Tw

 Just incase :p

If no one is special, then no one is lame

If no one is unknown, then no one has fame

If no one is rich, then no one is poor

If no one is doubting, then no one is sure

If no one is hurting, no one is glad

If no one is good, then no one is bad

If no one can hate, then no one can love

If no one despairs, no one prays to One above

If no one is cruel, no one is kind

If no one is different, then there’s no one to find

And sure, it may hurt, but keep this in mind

If no one can see, then no one is blind

If no one is frowning, no one is smiling

If no one is falling, no one is flying

We live in a world where, 

Although it may sound deeply unfair,

If no one is hurting, then no one is sad

If no one is good, then no one is bad

And we yell and we scream, 

At how cruel it may seem

But if no one is hoping, then no one is in despair

And if no one is breaking, then no one will care

This won’t make you feel better, but don’t let it make you worse,

There’s a sad kind of beauty, in the way of our universe

@unassumingEyes

🥺 beautifully written, a well-crafted and meaningful piece. thank you eyes 💜 

That was embarrasing xD

Id hv another panic attack rn but moms right here so i gotta push it down

im so dumbb im not gonna explain but im dumb nd probably made her impending anger after my exams more now im so dumb

@LoveMyMoonflowers

Every time I try to leave, someone else does- and I don't have it in me, to make someone feel loss twice at the same time. 

Where are you, flowers? 

And why is there never a goodbye, or a see you later? Why is there always silence?

The plan: leave a goodbye-for-now message, deactivate cups for a month or more, try not to drown in studies and work on accepting the fact that sooner or later, i’m going to have to face mom

The execution: come to cups, check flowers’ solace, find flowers gone, decide i cant leave just yet, try to form a new plan, find out we have lots of guests today, and the rest….im still doing :/ 

@unassumingEyes in hindsight the plan was very weak

@justmeeva and @iloveyouxx (if u see this)

Ok made a new plan here we go 

ok so i will only be on cups for one hour per day. Sometimes lesser. This is for two months i.e till May 16. May 17 will establish a new routine depending on the situation then. 

There are other parts of the plan but this is the part concerning you all

Unfortunately I don’t have a plan B or C yet. The plan i came up with last night had plans B and C, but all went in the trash just minutes ago- this is the fastest I could improvise. 

If i am not on cups for a period of 3days one after the other, and not responding to tags, and anyone is worried, create one post in the corner tagging me, and wait for a week more. If after a week more I do not re-appear, assume that I have left for unknown time period due to urgent reasons, not because of anyone here. I would suggest you move on if i am gone for a month (extremely unlikely) but that would probably recieve a good amount of protests. 

Sincere apologies if I leave without any notice. I will be back, and I will try to make up for it. This is an unlikely scenario of me leaving, and only mentioned because of mom, and sis, and situations. It is noones  fault if i leave. Love yall ❤️

if this message felt formal, or in any way distant, then it is because I am rather distant right now, and keeping away from the emotional aspects of my planning. Still love you ❤️

@unassumingEyes 

no matter how long it takes, i’ll be waiting ❤️

@justmeeva

_{me too ^🩷 love you eyesbuddy❤️ I’ll just cherish whatever time I get with yous :P🤍tho I know we don’t talk much :'D It’s okie💜 I get the distant thing. I’ve been distancing myself for quite a while now :D🤍 hope you’ll be okie- really do💜 I’ll try and come out of hiding more often ;-; if you’ll only be on for a while :')🩷 *sending virtual hugs for when you feel like it*💕💕}

@iloveyouxx 

*hugs* me will be very glad everytime you are out of hiding as long as u are comfy 🤗 love you potato bud ❤️🥔

There is an unknown amount of minutes till mom is home, so i need to keep the ipad and start studying fast. I hope to see @LoveMyMoonflowers again soon. Again, sorry for the rather distant messages. My emotions are a bit far back right now. I will you tomorrow now @justmeeva. Take care lovely 💕 

@unassumingEyes 

take care, and seriously please do ❤️

Hm hm hm         

I dont wanna study :p but gotta :p 

Im in a weird mood today. I think yesterday tired my brain lol i hv very few thoughts nd none of them is worrying/panicking about smth :p

I did a decent amount of studying today i think. Still gonna do more but i feel a bit proud (its more than ive done in weeks- this burnout been hard)

(Had a daymare today…really long too. Tried to ground myself back to the present a few times, didnt work. To give yall an idea on “daymares”, i just spent almost an hour vividly imagining my sisters (Tw) dea*th and the aftermath. Dark? Welcome to daymares.

Sooooooo hi lovelies :p 

_casually slides in a trigger warning just incase_ 

last night my grandmother was like, you need to get x marks in the exam overall. And im like, God willing etc. but in my head?

”Mom’s enough pressure, thank you very much”

Ive given up even trynna not-disappoint/anger mom! I dont have a goal set rn. Can you believe that? Ive always had an exam goal (no, not really, ive always had an exam goal since i moved schools, since i had noone to tell me that its okay if i dont get the marks she expects me to)

im just- doing my best. That’s it. No goal. Ill do my best and see what happens, and if it’s awful and disappointing and heartbreakingly bad for my parents, 

well. it is what it is. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tw its weird. Moms angry. Sis is angry. They’re not angry with each other. Reportedly dad, countries away from us, is also angry. I have not seen these ppl for 5 hours till just 5 mins ago. So they are not angry with me. 

…what…?

Oh, hi nadia <3/nfta

Mom and sis muttering to each other bout how tired they are and theres a tiny, petty part in the back of my mind that’s acknowledging the fact that ive been studying for hours and whispering 

“I’m tired, too.”

best to keep my mouth shut.

Its stupid to get emotional over shows but i almost cried 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

context: mom gave my aunt my shoes (which i wear at home) without asking me because aunt’s shoes are too loud. Now i have no shoes to wear at home and Im super frustrated. Plus, for months before we moved I didnt hv shoed to wear at home, not because of money problems but because mom refused to buy any saying ill get them when we move. Months before we moved. And now we moved and she gave mine to aunt when i just got em without asking me nd im just so frustrated rn

@unassumingEyes *shoes :p

@unassumingEyes ohhh my 7yr old cousin just came in and gave me my shoes like “everyones stealing ur shoes here u go” and i didnt tell her that everyone wasnt stealing my shoes, my mom gave them away, so now i hv my shoes back xD that cheered me up, even if mom gives them away again lol

Is anyone up?

@unassumingEyes 

in school, can’t be on phone much :/

@justmeeva that’s okay ❤️

The urge to be mean is there and it is strong. Plus im floating rn. Which means the guilt is in the back, which means i might be mean

Its weird, floating has its pros and cons lol. Pro when i hv sh type of urges. I dont get emotional, or panicked and cn resist the urge. But when i want to be mean, (and woah, want is a strong word), well…

emotions are important in that regard. And guilt is a very important emotion in that regard.

last time i gave into the urge to just be mean, i snapped out of it after upsetting someone and had a…couple of bad days.

And the urge still came back smh. 

Watch out, i guess.

seriously. Im currently mad at the world and possible everyone in it except @justmeeva and one irl friend of mine. Sorry flowers and nadia, but sometimes, anger burns without a reason, and it seems like theres only two people who escape mine in these days. even tho there are million others who did nothing wrong :/

Tw

Just searched up what to do when you feel like hurting others.

(that wasnt my first search. My first search was a site more anonymous in this, because of the urge to go there and just be mean to someone. 

I closed the tab and then search this)

I got things of people feeling like physically hurting others and advice and stuff for that. But it isnt that for me and im just feeling more frustrated as i search now. I dont want to physically hurt others. Its like, like those stupid trolls or bots who go about arguing with others, like i need to upset someones brain and make them feel all confused and scared and…

hurt.

isnt that just awful of me? Can you believe i tried once? It wasnt satisfactory, oh i felt ill after that, bit theres a voice in my head taunting me, taunting me for being too weak to hurt.

see? I need therapy, and whoever is reading this needs a better friend than I.

Tww

searching and

an example: I’m standing in the kitchen chopping vegetables. My brother comes in the kitchen and asks me if I need any help. I’m about to ask him to wash the broccoli when an image suddenly comes to mind of him standing at the sink with his back to me and me holding the knife behind him. What if I stab him in the back? God forbid I think to myself as I shudder at the thought and try to put it out of my mind—Who thinks such things? I set the knife aside for a minute and say, “I’m good, but thanks for offering. Feel free to keep watching the game.” I wait until he’s out of the room before picking up the knife again.

an example of what the author called “Malevolence OCD” (MOCD)

(Idothisalotespeciallywithmysistertherearesomanywhatifs)

This isnt the only way i get the urges (maybe, maybe its bcz when i float theres no anxiety to follow and im left with is the mental image of doing it)

and usually, its not physically hurting someone that my stupid, ugly brain urges me to do… 

Im in a really bad mental place rn