In the Corner

@iloveyouxx

Things just making it harder

Tw Even if i were to get full this year which is an impossible feat, my grd9 marks were too low to let me get the scholarship. The moment she finds out, 

Yeah, you know, yelling blablabla

the urge to run increases day by day by day

Tw everytime i talk to my dad on the phone he tries to motivate me nd tells me to struggle now nd rest later and that i got this, i just need to focus on studies and i cn do this and everytime i say okay and he doesnt know how hot i get or how close to crying i am or how i know theres nothing i cn do to change the fact that im not that good i just tell him im trying and he says thats good but i know when this is all over hes gonna think i didnt try hard enough and its not fair 

I feel like i should deactivate my account for a bit. Lay low, safe from sister's investigation and take a break from cups aswell.

But i also dont know if i cn just up and leave. Theres probably just like 3 ppls here who'll notice but i dont handle leaving well (or, at all xD) 

The smart thing also has to be the painful thing doesnt it 😔

Tw i kinda had…..two panic attacks last night? Again, no breathing issues, (thats never a symptom, which makes me confused if it is a panic attack) but nausea? Check. Panicking a ton? Check :0

I think ive already kinda given up on my exams. I dont let myself hope theyll go okay, or that the aftermath will be okay. Better to expect pain and never get it than let myself hope and be hurt.

(Hope is important, in the grand scheme of things. Hope does not always end pain- but without hope, there is only pain)

Im scared. Its stupid, i tell myself their reaction to whatever marks i get will just be a louder version of the 9th grade exams but im scared. It feels like everything depends on these exams which are 11 days away- everything. And im gonna mess this up. Encouragement makes me feel sick. Dont say i can do this. I cant do this. I know i cant. Somethings I just cant do. Im scared. Im scared of a stupid piece of paper saying something like i got 88%. Im so scared. I feel like i cant even do maths right this year. Its too soon. Im so scared and its so stupid and i cant stop this from happening, nothings gonna change the fact that when i get my result in july/august everyones gonna yell at me and be mad at me like last year i just cant its not fair i just want a single person in the family to say that maybe, just maybe, its okay if i dont reach their expectations, but they never will, they dont believe its okay, theyll yell at me nd mom will say all i did was take the phone or ipad and ask me what have i been doing this whole year if im still gonna get “bad” marks and ill say i was trying and she wont believe me she’ll yell its not enough im scared man ive been in burnout since forever ive already given up on avoiding this all but i cnt resign myself to it either

Tw

 Just incase :p

If no one is special, then no one is lame

If no one is unknown, then no one has fame

If no one is rich, then no one is poor

If no one is doubting, then no one is sure

If no one is hurting, no one is glad

If no one is good, then no one is bad

If no one can hate, then no one can love

If no one despairs, no one prays to One above

If no one is cruel, no one is kind

If no one is different, then there’s no one to find

And sure, it may hurt, but keep this in mind

If no one can see, then no one is blind

If no one is frowning, no one is smiling

If no one is falling, no one is flying

We live in a world where, 

Although it may sound deeply unfair,

If no one is hurting, then no one is sad

If no one is good, then no one is bad

And we yell and we scream, 

At how cruel it may seem

But if no one is hoping, then no one is in despair

And if no one is breaking, then no one will care

This won’t make you feel better, but don’t let it make you worse,

There’s a sad kind of beauty, in the way of our universe

Id hv another panic attack rn but moms right here so i gotta push it down

im so dumbb im not gonna explain but im dumb nd probably made her impending anger after my exams more now im so dumb

@LoveMyMoonflowers

Every time I try to leave, someone else does- and I don't have it in me, to make someone feel loss twice at the same time. 

Where are you, flowers? 

And why is there never a goodbye, or a see you later? Why is there always silence?