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Ramblings 3

Iamwhoiamwhoami December 31st, 2023

Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 18th

I was hoping to be asleep by now, my sleep is all messed up.

What would Tiny do?

I am scared of what the future is going to throw at me next.

What would Tiny do?

I am completely overwhelmed.

What would Tiny do?

I am scared of the long car ride Thursday.

What would Tiny do?

I am getting more and more scared of the surgeon appointment.

What would Tiny do?

This pain that I have been subjected to for the last however long at the extreme level that it has been and has even been enough to make my stomach sick several times, it has taken its toll on me and I don’t know if I withstand it much longer.

What would Tiny do?

I am completely overwhelmed by all that has been dumped on me.

What would Tiny do?

After I lay down in bed find a position that causes the least amount of pain, I close my eyes and rock back and forth.Trying to quiet the sounds of my thoughts bouncing around in my head.

What would Tiny do?


Well I can’t answer that for any of those questions, but I am pretty sure she wouldn’t write anything like this.

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 September 18th


@Iamwhoiamwhoami don't worry I have the answer to all those questions😁 it's simple you just cry, crying releases endorphins into your body which makes things feel a bit better ❤ also the answer is its ok to be worried, it's ok to be scared, nervous and every other feeling your feeling. That's when we turn to our friends for support, and just to feel heard ❤❤

(What would iam do right now)

🤔🤔 hug me tightly, that's what you would do🙂 

we got each other, remember that ❤

close-your-hands-lewis-thomas.gif

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Tinywhisper11 September 18th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hope your getting some sleep right now ❤ my sweet Angel ❤

I tried to find the message where I asked you if you prefer to be addressed as make it female, or my angel. But I can't find it. So I don't know what your answer is

4 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 18th

@Tinywhisper11

That part of me that is deep rooted inside of me that makes me trans is also buried deep inside me. I hide every part of that side of me, even from myself. I have too much other things to try and handle. I can’t handle that part even though that truly is the base of who I am, hence my username. I never thought of a name for my root self.

To answer your question anything that you call me is fine.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 18th

@Tinywhisper11

I finally did fall asleep for a few hours. I’m too anxious about tomorrow to sleep. I have to avoid sleeping too long tonight so I am ready when my ride gets here tomorrow morning. ❤️❤️I love you ❤️❤️

2 replies
Tinywhisper11 September 18th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ok so I'm just gonna call you angel then ❤❤ I'm glad you slept, but yes don't miss your ride. How long till they pick you up?? When do you take your extra meds?

1 reply
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 19th

@Tinywhisper11

It is wonderful to hear from you. How are you?

They should be here in about 10 hours, I will hopefully be up at least two to three hours before, I need to try and shower and probably shave and depending on pain levels that can take a couple hours for pain to minimize, plus a little something to eat.

I am already taking the gabapentin three times a day now (day 2 of that pill) the oxycodone as of now I am going to take one every 4 hours until 5 AM and that will be a 2 pill dose for the ride there and a 2 pill dose for the ride back.

❤️❤️My never ending love filled embrace of you continues ❤️❤️

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 18th

There was someone’s recent post that I read referring to cheating and questioning reasoning for doing it. I started to reply and as usual my rambling began and the more I wrote the self guilt built up. As with most of my writings, I had began a long beginning to a novel. As I looked over my writing, I realized that what I wrote, however helpful that I thought it was, it could also result in stirring the pot on a somewhat controversial subject. So I erased what I wrote and backed away.

There writing triggered a guilty memory of how close I came to cheating on my ex, many years into the “marriage”.

Our marriage was toxic, nearly from the beginning. Many years in, I believe both of us were feeling alienated from the other. We both were guilty in the failure of the marriage. I had strong suspicions of her having an affair or two, There were many times she was overly affectionate with men directly in front of me and they were the same with her. I really didn’t care if she was having an affair, I just wanted to go home but we rode to town together. Okay I am straying a bit as usual.

The following has no true correlation to whatever she was or wasn’t doing in that department.

I happened to meet an old female acquaintance from years back, we were never close before. We would talk with each other whenever we happened to meet in passing, normally talking for ten or fifteen minutes. I would listen to her and she would listen to me. There was no flirting or anything like that . But after , I am guessing about a year of this, I started feeling like someone appreciated me and respected me the same way I did of them. I brought this up to her at one point and she said she felt the same. We discussed the possibilities of pursuing our discussions further and if things went beyond talking what the consequences would be. We eventually talked about meeting up for a lunch meeting to discuss things further and see where things went from there. We even set up a place and time.

When the time came, the extreme guilt I felt for even having a lunch discussion with her , I was married, however toxic and however miserable we both were, I couldn’t go through with it. I didn’t go.

I didn’t go because of I made a promise to myself that I was going to be a better parent and a better husband and I was going to persevere no matter how miserable it may be , for better or worse meant exactly that . We were experiencing the worse part and even though it would never get better we took a vow and I was determined to stand by it . I am sure that if I would’ve had lunch with that lady , things would’ve progressed to the point of no return. But I feel guilty for continuing personal conversations with a woman other than my wife.

My wife is long gone, not dead, I don’t think, but I don’t know, nor do I care. She walked out I don’t know around 12 years ago? I don’t wish her ill will, in fact I wish her the best.

I am drained ,

2 replies
Tinywhisper11 September 19th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami there's not many decent men like you left, or women either, marriage doesn't seem to mean the same thing to people anymore, morals just go straight out the window, when someone is tempted by another. But you, you are special your one of those rare good men, I admire you for that ❤

1 reply
Helgafy September 19th

@Tinywhisper11

I do agree so much with you Tiny. So I'm an old woman, believing in good, old-fashion moral.

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 18th

Around 10 hours to go before I have to get ready for the ride to the appointment. I probably should start a little earlier considering I will definitely be in the throes of panic attacks.

Yes, I’m almost talking myself into them but I have been trying multiple different ways of meditating and breathing, which is nearly impossible with my brain running its nonstop version of racing and demolition derby with my thoughts.

The goofy combination of multiple techniques that I use to take the edge off of my attacks is not working anymore

I’m drained again.

22 replies
mytwistedsoul September 18th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Maybe imagine we're sitting there with you because even though we're not there physically we are there with you in spirit and heart ❤️ deep breaths Iam in and out

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 18th

@mytwistedsoul

I have been trying to do that as well . My brain just runs away with things and trying to override it is nearly impossible.

I am hoping the bump in medications will minimize the pain and discomfort so I can focus more on doing just that, trying to override my thoughts and put all of you in the front row.

Thank you ❤️

12 replies
mytwistedsoul September 19th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami That anxiety takes over everything. I'm sorry you struggle with it too

You'll definitely be in my thoughts. I hope your trip is painless and your appointment gives you solutions to get you feeling better ❤️

11 replies
Helgafy September 19th

@mytwistedsoul

How nice of you to tell that Iam is in your thoughts. He has been in my thoughts also today.

9 replies
mytwistedsoul September 19th

@Helgafy You've been in my thoughts too ❤️ I worry about you but it's really nice seeing you around ❤️

8 replies
Helgafy September 19th

@mytwistedsoul

You must not worry! I live my life day by day - some times happy, other times not so happy - (this is what life is like for most people).

7 replies
mytwistedsoul September 19th

@Helgafy True ❤️ but telling me not to worry is like telling the wind not to blow 😊

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Tinywhisper11 September 20th

@mytwistedsoul you do group support and you haven't told me!!??😮😮😮😮😮

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mytwistedsoul September 20th

@Tinywhisper11 Lol I do! I guess I've been doing it for about two years now from what someone told me  ❤️ Sometimes I'm actually pretty good at it LOL! 😅

2 replies
Tinywhisper11 September 21st

@mytwistedsoul you are definitely the sweetest little cuddle bunny around, so I'm not surprised people tell you your good at it ❤❤

1 reply
mytwistedsoul September 21st

@Tinywhisper11 Aww thank you ❤️ 

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BlueDarkAurora September 18th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami atleast you tried so it's alright ^^ dealing with resistance is mentally exhausting.

Best of luck :) I hope things go super alright.

2 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 18th

@BlueDarkAurora

Thank you

1 reply
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 19th

@BlueDarkAurora

I am blessed to have you by my side as well, thank you.

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Tinywhisper11 September 19th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hugs you tightly ❤❤ breathing and meditation exercises, are really hard when your already worked up so much 🙁 but it's ok we are all here with you ❤ remember to squeeze my hand when you need to, and I will be squeezing back ❤❤ I gotta go my carers are here, I need my meds really bad. I'll be back as soon as I can ❤❤ everything is gonna be ok ❤❤ I love you ❤

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 19th

@Tinywhisper

❤️❤️I love you ❤️❤️ Hearing from you is a blessing I never take for granted.

2 replies
Tinywhisper11 September 19th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami awww your so sweet ❤❤ I really hope your pain and anxiety will be really low for you, we are there with you ❤ hugging you all the way ❤I love you so much ❤ this is for you 

yonca.gif

1 reply
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 19th

@Tinywhisper11

Thank you and I will accept any and all of it helps tomorrow. And by the way ❤️❤️You are the true Angel ❤️❤️

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 18th

I am drained and yet on the edge of an anxiety episode, so I’m just trying to grasp any topic to start with and maybe take the edge off.

Looking around me…. I see my journal or whatever that I only use to attempt to track my pill usage/times I am supposed to take with the actual time.

I have goofy schedule that doesn’t work that well with my brain and memory issues. It was a little rough up to a couple of days ago, then my doctor adjusted my medication schedule a little bit to try and help with the pain. So I am very appreciative of her doing it. I am the one who has to adjust, somehow.

ok, next thing. Again glancing around me…I see two laundry baskets sitting there with the clean bedding and clothes that I washed however many weeks ago, I probably wrote about that here when I did them.

That just reminded I am in desperate need of washing bedding and a little laundry . That was not a good topic for knocking the edge off.

Next….. I’m looking at the two televisions in front of me. I’m thinking I need to figure out a different solution for the placement of the new one. After the surgeons appointment tomorrow, probably the following day, I should try and swap them and get the temporary stand of totes put away. I can’t get the wheelchair around the bed with it the way it is.

This is not exactly working, I am just adding fuel to my anxiety.

I need to remember to take my meds, pillow, naloxone, (not sure of spelling, it’s a form of narcan , my med journal, maybe the wheelchair, and I don’t remember what else with me in the morning.

I just was trying to focus on something else and I landed on my wheelchair and realized how stupid I actually am. I have been pushed around in a chair many times in my life, however, I have never collapsed one for transport. When I received it I was able to use the corner of the bed and pull on the side of it to open it up, but how do I collapse it?

I am going to get up and try to figure it out.

3 replies
Tinywhisper11 September 19th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami try pulling the seat up ❤

2 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 19th

@Tinywhisper11

Thank you 🙈🫢🙈. (Embarrassed?)❤️❤️

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 September 19th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂😂

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 18th

Well that was a pointless effort, I still am not sure how to do it.

I suppose I could look it up on the internet. actually I will do that now.

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Tinywhisper11 September 19th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂😂 seriously just pull the seat upwards

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 19th

@Tinywhisper11

Patience, someday I will get it.❤️

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 September 19th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂😂

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 18th

Ok, I think I really am stupid after watching that short video about doing just that. Pull up on the seat, really? Somebody erase my writings about this simple task please.

Ok, I think the edge is off for now.

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Tinywhisper11 September 19th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 19th

@Tinywhisper11

Exactly……

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Tinywhisper11 September 19th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂😂 in laughing with you😂😂😂 not at you😂😂😂😂😂
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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 19th

@Tinywhisper11

I think that was something that may classify as a laughing at you and maybe with you scenario ..

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 September 19th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂😂 you know me to well😂😂😂

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 18th

@Tinywhisper11

Thinking of you ❤️💕💕💕💕❤️ 🧞‍♂️🧞‍♂️ Hoping that your pain is minimal or even gone, hoping you still are able to find the strength to continue fighting, hoping you can feel the warmth of the huge unending stream of love from all of your friends and family here.🧞‍♂️🧞‍♂️ ❤️❤️❤️. I Love You and am still holding your hand and hugging you tightly ❤️❤️❤️

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 September 19th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ❤❤ don't worry I'm never giving up😁 reading your past few messages have me a good giggle😂😂 

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Tinywhisper11 September 19th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm pretty sure today the surgeon will be able to discuss all your options with you. Don't be frightened by what they may suggest. Whatever the outcome we are fighting through this together ❤

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 19th

@Tinywhisper11

Yes, I am scared of what they might suggest . But I think the biggest thing scaring me is the constant additions of th unknowns surrounding me. I am trying to fight my mind and my thoughts to get you and the others front and center in my thoughts, in a perfect scenario, a picture formed in my mind of all of you surrounding me and holding my hand would be my only thought. ❤️❤️

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Tinywhisper11 September 19th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami wait! That would mean you have 3 hands!?!?😮😮 I've barely got enough to make one full hand, and you got 3 😮😮😮 gimme your spare hand!!!!!😂😂😂😂😂😂 honey I gotta go for now ❤❤ but your with me in every thought. Holds you close to my heart, I love you, you can do this ❤ we can do it together ❤ hugs you tightly ❤

1 reply
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 19th

@Tinywhisper11

If it would help I would give you my legs as well.

❤️❤️❤️ You are in my thoughts as well. I love you and my hug is still holding you tightly ❤️❤️❤️ You are definitely not alone either ❤️❤️❤️

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 19th

That nerve medication may be helping my back and legs but there must be something wrong because my nerves are frazzled about this trip in the morning.

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Tinywhisper11 September 19th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami  that doesn't sound good *pulls worried face* but don't worry your gonna be ok ❤ I am gonna need to rest and got the nurse coming soon. But I just wanted to tell you first that remember we are all holding your hand ❤❤ you can do this, it's all gonna be ok ❤ hugs you tightly ❤I love you ❤ good luck sweetie ❤

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 19th

@Tinywhisper11

Thank you, and I will try and keep all of you at the focus of my thoughts. ❤️❤️I love you too ❤️❤️ Hopefully your rest is peaceful and relaxing. ❤️❤️I am still maintaining my hug with you ❤️❤️

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