Ramblings 3

I was hoping to be asleep by now, my sleep is all messed up.

What would Tiny do?

I am scared of what the future is going to throw at me next.

What would Tiny do?

I am completely overwhelmed.

What would Tiny do?

I am scared of the long car ride Thursday.

What would Tiny do?

I am getting more and more scared of the surgeon appointment.

What would Tiny do?

This pain that I have been subjected to for the last however long at the extreme level that it has been and has even been enough to make my stomach sick several times, it has taken its toll on me and I don’t know if I withstand it much longer.

What would Tiny do?

I am completely overwhelmed by all that has been dumped on me.

What would Tiny do?

After I lay down in bed find a position that causes the least amount of pain, I close my eyes and rock back and forth.Trying to quiet the sounds of my thoughts bouncing around in my head.

What would Tiny do?

Well I can’t answer that for any of those questions, but I am pretty sure she wouldn’t write anything like this.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hope your getting some sleep right now ❤ my sweet Angel ❤

I tried to find the message where I asked you if you prefer to be addressed as make it female, or my angel. But I can't find it. So I don't know what your answer is

There was someone’s recent post that I read referring to cheating and questioning reasoning for doing it. I started to reply and as usual my rambling began and the more I wrote the self guilt built up. As with most of my writings, I had began a long beginning to a novel. As I looked over my writing, I realized that what I wrote, however helpful that I thought it was, it could also result in stirring the pot on a somewhat controversial subject. So I erased what I wrote and backed away.

There writing triggered a guilty memory of how close I came to cheating on my ex, many years into the “marriage”.

Our marriage was toxic, nearly from the beginning. Many years in, I believe both of us were feeling alienated from the other. We both were guilty in the failure of the marriage. I had strong suspicions of her having an affair or two, There were many times she was overly affectionate with men directly in front of me and they were the same with her. I really didn’t care if she was having an affair, I just wanted to go home but we rode to town together. Okay I am straying a bit as usual.

The following has no true correlation to whatever she was or wasn’t doing in that department.

I happened to meet an old female acquaintance from years back, we were never close before. We would talk with each other whenever we happened to meet in passing, normally talking for ten or fifteen minutes. I would listen to her and she would listen to me. There was no flirting or anything like that . But after , I am guessing about a year of this, I started feeling like someone appreciated me and respected me the same way I did of them. I brought this up to her at one point and she said she felt the same. We discussed the possibilities of pursuing our discussions further and if things went beyond talking what the consequences would be. We eventually talked about meeting up for a lunch meeting to discuss things further and see where things went from there. We even set up a place and time.

When the time came, the extreme guilt I felt for even having a lunch discussion with her , I was married, however toxic and however miserable we both were, I couldn’t go through with it. I didn’t go.

I didn’t go because of I made a promise to myself that I was going to be a better parent and a better husband and I was going to persevere no matter how miserable it may be , for better or worse meant exactly that . We were experiencing the worse part and even though it would never get better we took a vow and I was determined to stand by it . I am sure that if I would’ve had lunch with that lady , things would’ve progressed to the point of no return. But I feel guilty for continuing personal conversations with a woman other than my wife.

My wife is long gone, not dead, I don’t think, but I don’t know, nor do I care. She walked out I don’t know around 12 years ago? I don’t wish her ill will, in fact I wish her the best.

I am drained ,

Around 10 hours to go before I have to get ready for the ride to the appointment. I probably should start a little earlier considering I will definitely be in the throes of panic attacks.

Yes, I’m almost talking myself into them but I have been trying multiple different ways of meditating and breathing, which is nearly impossible with my brain running its nonstop version of racing and demolition derby with my thoughts.

The goofy combination of multiple techniques that I use to take the edge off of my attacks is not working anymore

I’m drained again.

I am drained and yet on the edge of an anxiety episode, so I’m just trying to grasp any topic to start with and maybe take the edge off.

Looking around me…. I see my journal or whatever that I only use to attempt to track my pill usage/times I am supposed to take with the actual time.

I have goofy schedule that doesn’t work that well with my brain and memory issues. It was a little rough up to a couple of days ago, then my doctor adjusted my medication schedule a little bit to try and help with the pain. So I am very appreciative of her doing it. I am the one who has to adjust, somehow.

ok, next thing. Again glancing around me…I see two laundry baskets sitting there with the clean bedding and clothes that I washed however many weeks ago, I probably wrote about that here when I did them.

That just reminded I am in desperate need of washing bedding and a little laundry . That was not a good topic for knocking the edge off.

Next….. I’m looking at the two televisions in front of me. I’m thinking I need to figure out a different solution for the placement of the new one. After the surgeons appointment tomorrow, probably the following day, I should try and swap them and get the temporary stand of totes put away. I can’t get the wheelchair around the bed with it the way it is.

This is not exactly working, I am just adding fuel to my anxiety.

I need to remember to take my meds, pillow, naloxone, (not sure of spelling, it’s a form of narcan , my med journal, maybe the wheelchair, and I don’t remember what else with me in the morning.

I just was trying to focus on something else and I landed on my wheelchair and realized how stupid I actually am. I have been pushed around in a chair many times in my life, however, I have never collapsed one for transport. When I received it I was able to use the corner of the bed and pull on the side of it to open it up, but how do I collapse it?

I am going to get up and try to figure it out.

Well that was a pointless effort, I still am not sure how to do it.

I suppose I could look it up on the internet. actually I will do that now.

@Tinywhisper11

Thinking of you ❤️💕💕💕💕❤️ 🧞‍♂️🧞‍♂️ Hoping that your pain is minimal or even gone, hoping you still are able to find the strength to continue fighting, hoping you can feel the warmth of the huge unending stream of love from all of your friends and family here.🧞‍♂️🧞‍♂️ ❤️❤️❤️. I Love You and am still holding your hand and hugging you tightly ❤️❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm pretty sure today the surgeon will be able to discuss all your options with you. Don't be frightened by what they may suggest. Whatever the outcome we are fighting through this together ❤

That nerve medication may be helping my back and legs but there must be something wrong because my nerves are frazzled about this trip in the morning.