Ramblings 3

@Helgafy True ❤️ but telling me not to worry is like telling the wind not to blow 😊

@mytwistedsoul

I am blessed to have you by my side as well, thank you,

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hugs you tightly ❤❤ breathing and meditation exercises, are really hard when your already worked up so much 🙁 but it's ok we are all here with you ❤ remember to squeeze my hand when you need to, and I will be squeezing back ❤❤ I gotta go my carers are here, I need my meds really bad. I'll be back as soon as I can ❤❤ everything is gonna be ok ❤❤ I love you ❤

@Tinywhisper

❤️❤️I love you ❤️❤️ Hearing from you is a blessing I never take for granted.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami awww your so sweet ❤❤ I really hope your pain and anxiety will be really low for you, we are there with you ❤ hugging you all the way ❤I love you so much ❤ this is for you 

@Tinywhisper11

Thank you and I will accept any and all of it helps tomorrow. And by the way ❤️❤️You are the true Angel ❤️❤️

I am drained and yet on the edge of an anxiety episode, so I’m just trying to grasp any topic to start with and maybe take the edge off.

Looking around me…. I see my journal or whatever that I only use to attempt to track my pill usage/times I am supposed to take with the actual time.

I have goofy schedule that doesn’t work that well with my brain and memory issues. It was a little rough up to a couple of days ago, then my doctor adjusted my medication schedule a little bit to try and help with the pain. So I am very appreciative of her doing it. I am the one who has to adjust, somehow.

ok, next thing. Again glancing around me…I see two laundry baskets sitting there with the clean bedding and clothes that I washed however many weeks ago, I probably wrote about that here when I did them.

That just reminded I am in desperate need of washing bedding and a little laundry . That was not a good topic for knocking the edge off.

Next….. I’m looking at the two televisions in front of me. I’m thinking I need to figure out a different solution for the placement of the new one. After the surgeons appointment tomorrow, probably the following day, I should try and swap them and get the temporary stand of totes put away. I can’t get the wheelchair around the bed with it the way it is.

This is not exactly working, I am just adding fuel to my anxiety.

I need to remember to take my meds, pillow, naloxone, (not sure of spelling, it’s a form of narcan , my med journal, maybe the wheelchair, and I don’t remember what else with me in the morning.

I just was trying to focus on something else and I landed on my wheelchair and realized how stupid I actually am. I have been pushed around in a chair many times in my life, however, I have never collapsed one for transport. When I received it I was able to use the corner of the bed and pull on the side of it to open it up, but how do I collapse it?

I am going to get up and try to figure it out.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami try pulling the seat up ❤

@Tinywhisper11

Thank you 🙈🫢🙈. (Embarrassed?)❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂😂

Well that was a pointless effort, I still am not sure how to do it.

I suppose I could look it up on the internet. actually I will do that now.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂😂 seriously just pull the seat upwards

@Tinywhisper11

Patience, someday I will get it.❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂😂

Ok, I think I really am stupid after watching that short video about doing just that. Pull up on the seat, really? Somebody erase my writings about this simple task please.

Ok, I think the edge is off for now.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

@Tinywhisper11

Exactly……

@Tinywhisper11

I think that was something that may classify as a laughing at you and maybe with you scenario ..

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂😂 you know me to well😂😂😂

@Tinywhisper11

Thinking of you ❤️💕💕💕💕❤️ 🧞‍♂️🧞‍♂️ Hoping that your pain is minimal or even gone, hoping you still are able to find the strength to continue fighting, hoping you can feel the warmth of the huge unending stream of love from all of your friends and family here.🧞‍♂️🧞‍♂️ ❤️❤️❤️. I Love You and am still holding your hand and hugging you tightly ❤️❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ❤❤ don't worry I'm never giving up😁 reading your past few messages have me a good giggle😂😂 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm pretty sure today the surgeon will be able to discuss all your options with you. Don't be frightened by what they may suggest. Whatever the outcome we are fighting through this together ❤

@Tinywhisper11

Yes, I am scared of what they might suggest . But I think the biggest thing scaring me is the constant additions of th unknowns surrounding me. I am trying to fight my mind and my thoughts to get you and the others front and center in my thoughts, in a perfect scenario, a picture formed in my mind of all of you surrounding me and holding my hand would be my only thought. ❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami wait! That would mean you have 3 hands!?!?😮😮 I've barely got enough to make one full hand, and you got 3 😮😮😮 gimme your spare hand!!!!!😂😂😂😂😂😂 honey I gotta go for now ❤❤ but your with me in every thought. Holds you close to my heart, I love you, you can do this ❤ we can do it together ❤ hugs you tightly ❤

@Tinywhisper11

If it would help I would give you my legs as well.

❤️❤️❤️ You are in my thoughts as well. I love you and my hug is still holding you tightly ❤️❤️❤️ You are definitely not alone either ❤️❤️❤️

That nerve medication may be helping my back and legs but there must be something wrong because my nerves are frazzled about this trip in the morning.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami  that doesn't sound good *pulls worried face* but don't worry your gonna be ok ❤ I am gonna need to rest and got the nurse coming soon. But I just wanted to tell you first that remember we are all holding your hand ❤❤ you can do this, it's all gonna be ok ❤ hugs you tightly ❤I love you ❤ good luck sweetie ❤

@Tinywhisper11

Thank you, and I will try and keep all of you at the focus of my thoughts. ❤️❤️I love you too ❤️❤️ Hopefully your rest is peaceful and relaxing. ❤️❤️I am still maintaining my hug with you ❤️❤️

I am still awake I haven’t even had any old geezer naps. I feel sorry for the one driving me tomorrow, because I’m going to be extra cranky and irritable tomorrow. Of course maybe they will get lucky and the meds will kick in enough that I will sleep both ways.

Anxiety has mellowed a little for, I don’t know, about an hour or so maybe.

I know I am a big crybaby, my writings here, when they are focused on me whether it involves what is going on inside or outside of me, they portray a person who would miserable to be around because it appears that all you would here from me is lots of the same things I write here.

However, in person I am completely the opposite. I barely speak, I keep everything inside, I am very uncomfortable speaking to anyone, even my own doctor. She gets more than frustrated with me behind closed doors and never completely to my face . She is very patient, but I can never seem to speak on my own behalf to her, I say the bare minimum. Now that I understand just a little bit about navigating the app for sending messages and scheduling, etc., I think she gets a little frustrated with me because I ramble on in my messages there like I do here.

She is a very busy doctor and I am assuming she is as well in her own life as well. So reading my novellas I send is probably a bit tedious for her.

But either way, if one of you were to meet me you wouldn’t believe I was the one behind these writings . Unless you stuck around for a day or two, then reality would set in and you would realize that my being pure negativity and being so introverted that your only chance of being around me for any term, long or short, it could only be done in short bursts, maybe an hour or so max with a eight hour break then maybe another quick burst.

I am on a self hatred streak obviously. But if it keeps my anxiety at bay…..

@Iamwhoiamwhoami nah, I'd be able to put up with you forever ❤ cause I'd talk to you so much you wouldn't have a chance to say much anyway, and if your grumpy I'd just slap you a little bit😁😁😈😁😁 it's me you wouldn't be able to put up with😂😂😂😂

@Tinywhisper11

Keep dreaming, you are too precious to be able do anything like that. 💕💕💕

It figures, I am wide awake, without even a drooping eyelid until a half hour before my next medication is due. Now I can barely stay awake. My life sucks.

It is tempting to take it a little early but that would defeat the purpose of moving the time between a shave closer.

I don’t think I will be writing here during my trip there and back. Of course whenever I state something like that, I usually do just the opposite. Probably just to tick myself off.

I am extremely blessed to have some very special friends here. No matter where my thoughts guide my writing, they are here , continually reminding me of the positive things that they recognize in me via my writings. I don’t recognize anything I do as positivity in me. I recognize the positivity coming out of my writings, however I believe that the strong threads that they have woven together that has taken hold in me, there must be an offshoot that has managed to make its way into the mess of thoughts bouncing around in my head and therefore is able to use there love and positivity to twist my negative to positive in my messages to them.

My eyes can’t focus. I hope that bit of rambling makes sense.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami you always make perfect sense to me ❤❤

@Tinywhisper11

That’s good because that makes one of us that it makes sense to ❤️❤️💕

Ok , take my meds and I am wide awake. …… 😖😖😖😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Well, I suppose I stay awake It is currently about 3 hours from being picked up. I will probably try and take a shower in about an hour. Then lay down for awhile, try to shave, lay down for awhile, brush my teeth, lay down for awhile, try and make sure I have the few things I need for the little trip are by the front door, lay down for awhile, get dreams piece by piece laying down in between, then it should be about time for my ride to get here.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I can tell you - persons with ME/CFS (as I have) do just the same as you and it's called "pacing"; doing one thing, rest, doing another thing, rest.