Ramblings 3

@Tinywhisper11

No apologies needed. You have an extremely difficult situation to try and navigate. ❤️❤️As long as hands are held and love is pure, we shall persevere ❤️❤️

34 hours until my ride to surgeon consultation appointment.

Anxiety bubbling over, my anxiety is more addressed to the ride than the appointment. Hopefully meds kick in and I’m pain free. I doubt it but who knows.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Is it a long ride to the there? Would a pillow help? Maybe to have behind your back or to sit on? Would you be able to lay on the back seat? 

@mytwistedsoul

I was actually wondering about trailering my mattress to the appointment.

I have thought the same options.

I am thinking of taking a pillow, it kind of depends what vehicle they use. Most vehicles I can’t stretch out in ,

The discs are pushing on nerve roots in the lower back and anything pushing on that area wrong creates issues, I have various cushions that I could use, but I tried those in my wheelchair and they made the issue worse for the short term. We are thinking the same but what I have tried

here is only aggravating things and that is minus the bumps and such from the road travel, gravel and pavement.

I think a pillow if I can lay in the backseat somehow.

But other than that I’m at the mercy of the slight tweak with my pain and nerve meds that my doctor did. Nerve medication goes from 2 times a day to 3 and the oxycodone is doubled for the ride down and again for the ride back, plus I have another for muscle spasms.

Thank you for your suggestions, always appreciate your ideas

@Iamwhoiamwhoami It sucks when nothing helps with the pain. Yeah I can see that plows might make it work because they would push on spots that would make the pain worse. Road conditions definitely wouldn't help much either. Hopefully they have an SUV or something similar. If you sit in the front passenger seat would laying the seat back as far as possible help? Man I hope the double dose helps you get there as painlessly as possible

@mytwistedsoul

I will have to try and figure out something when they get here. This is new territory for me as far as this situation. I will probably be all over those seats trying to minimize pain like a sugar rushed toddler let loose.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami travelling in pain is a really worrying thing🙁 there's this pillow you can buy, it's a donut shape, but where the tail bone is it has no pressure, it really helps. But I didn't think about it till now, sorry😕 hopefully with double meds, it will help you a bit ❤

@Tinywhisper11

I actually have a few of those, I tried them in the wheelchair and they made things worse.

I already had a tailbone at a 90 degrees angle on my spine. Those pillows didn’t work for that either.

Normal cures don’t work for me.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami that's because your like me 😁 unique and special 

Just tried to do the previsit paperwork (online). It wouldn’t verify my insurance because two things were not on the card.

I wonder how much of a hassle it will be when I get there?

@Iamwhoiamwhoami It'll probably be easier for them to fill out tbh. They have their own connections and contacts to find out insurance stuff. They deal with it every day I bet

@mytwistedsoul oh that's good, if the surgeon complete the form. But I have no idea about theese things. Don't worry iam it'll all be ok ❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami other than worried about the pain travelling there, are you scared of nervous at all??

@Tinywhisper11

I am all kinds of nervous, I have been through a lot but this kind of surgery is scary.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm sorry I'll continue reading all the stuff I missed as soon as I can ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤I love you ❤

@Tinywhisper11

No worries, rest up, and do whatever you need to do for you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️Gentle hugs, love transferred between ❤️❤️❤️❤️. ❤️❤️ I love you too ❤️❤️

@Tinywhisper11

If you happen to come back here I n the next several hours and I don’t respond I am probably sleeping or having a brain flicker. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Not that it’s any kind of important but my background noise machine (television) decided it had enough. So I had to make the decision to spend precious funds on something not related to getting by to keep some background noise in play. The background noise helps a little to mellow everything out.

As simple as they make them to set up, it took me about three hours to unbox and setup a makeshift stand using some of those empty totes I bought. My old one is hanging from a ceiling mount, so that one is not getting swapped any time soon.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami agreed background noise is a need. So money well spent, and well done for getting it set up ❤ I have music constantly playing ❤

I was hoping to be asleep by now, my sleep is all messed up.

What would Tiny do?

I am scared of what the future is going to throw at me next.

What would Tiny do?

I am completely overwhelmed.

What would Tiny do?

I am scared of the long car ride Thursday.

What would Tiny do?

I am getting more and more scared of the surgeon appointment.

What would Tiny do?

This pain that I have been subjected to for the last however long at the extreme level that it has been and has even been enough to make my stomach sick several times, it has taken its toll on me and I don’t know if I withstand it much longer.

What would Tiny do?

I am completely overwhelmed by all that has been dumped on me.

What would Tiny do?

After I lay down in bed find a position that causes the least amount of pain, I close my eyes and rock back and forth.Trying to quiet the sounds of my thoughts bouncing around in my head.

What would Tiny do?

Well I can’t answer that for any of those questions, but I am pretty sure she wouldn’t write anything like this.

---

@Iamwhoiamwhoami don't worry I have the answer to all those questions😁 it's simple you just cry, crying releases endorphins into your body which makes things feel a bit better ❤ also the answer is its ok to be worried, it's ok to be scared, nervous and every other feeling your feeling. That's when we turn to our friends for support, and just to feel heard ❤❤

(What would iam do right now)

🤔🤔 hug me tightly, that's what you would do🙂 

we got each other, remember that ❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hope your getting some sleep right now ❤ my sweet Angel ❤

I tried to find the message where I asked you if you prefer to be addressed as make it female, or my angel. But I can't find it. So I don't know what your answer is

@Tinywhisper11

That part of me that is deep rooted inside of me that makes me trans is also buried deep inside me. I hide every part of that side of me, even from myself. I have too much other things to try and handle. I can’t handle that part even though that truly is the base of who I am, hence my username. I never thought of a name for my root self.

To answer your question anything that you call me is fine.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

@Tinywhisper11

I finally did fall asleep for a few hours. I’m too anxious about tomorrow to sleep. I have to avoid sleeping too long tonight so I am ready when my ride gets here tomorrow morning. ❤️❤️I love you ❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ok so I'm just gonna call you angel then ❤❤ I'm glad you slept, but yes don't miss your ride. How long till they pick you up?? When do you take your extra meds?

@Tinywhisper11

It is wonderful to hear from you. How are you?

They should be here in about 10 hours, I will hopefully be up at least two to three hours before, I need to try and shower and probably shave and depending on pain levels that can take a couple hours for pain to minimize, plus a little something to eat.

I am already taking the gabapentin three times a day now (day 2 of that pill) the oxycodone as of now I am going to take one every 4 hours until 5 AM and that will be a 2 pill dose for the ride there and a 2 pill dose for the ride back.

❤️❤️My never ending love filled embrace of you continues ❤️❤️

There was someone’s recent post that I read referring to cheating and questioning reasoning for doing it. I started to reply and as usual my rambling began and the more I wrote the self guilt built up. As with most of my writings, I had began a long beginning to a novel. As I looked over my writing, I realized that what I wrote, however helpful that I thought it was, it could also result in stirring the pot on a somewhat controversial subject. So I erased what I wrote and backed away.

There writing triggered a guilty memory of how close I came to cheating on my ex, many years into the “marriage”.

Our marriage was toxic, nearly from the beginning. Many years in, I believe both of us were feeling alienated from the other. We both were guilty in the failure of the marriage. I had strong suspicions of her having an affair or two, There were many times she was overly affectionate with men directly in front of me and they were the same with her. I really didn’t care if she was having an affair, I just wanted to go home but we rode to town together. Okay I am straying a bit as usual.

The following has no true correlation to whatever she was or wasn’t doing in that department.

I happened to meet an old female acquaintance from years back, we were never close before. We would talk with each other whenever we happened to meet in passing, normally talking for ten or fifteen minutes. I would listen to her and she would listen to me. There was no flirting or anything like that . But after , I am guessing about a year of this, I started feeling like someone appreciated me and respected me the same way I did of them. I brought this up to her at one point and she said she felt the same. We discussed the possibilities of pursuing our discussions further and if things went beyond talking what the consequences would be. We eventually talked about meeting up for a lunch meeting to discuss things further and see where things went from there. We even set up a place and time.

When the time came, the extreme guilt I felt for even having a lunch discussion with her , I was married, however toxic and however miserable we both were, I couldn’t go through with it. I didn’t go.

I didn’t go because of I made a promise to myself that I was going to be a better parent and a better husband and I was going to persevere no matter how miserable it may be , for better or worse meant exactly that . We were experiencing the worse part and even though it would never get better we took a vow and I was determined to stand by it . I am sure that if I would’ve had lunch with that lady , things would’ve progressed to the point of no return. But I feel guilty for continuing personal conversations with a woman other than my wife.

My wife is long gone, not dead, I don’t think, but I don’t know, nor do I care. She walked out I don’t know around 12 years ago? I don’t wish her ill will, in fact I wish her the best.

I am drained ,

@Iamwhoiamwhoami there's not many decent men like you left, or women either, marriage doesn't seem to mean the same thing to people anymore, morals just go straight out the window, when someone is tempted by another. But you, you are special your one of those rare good men, I admire you for that ❤

@Tinywhisper11

I do agree so much with you Tiny. So I'm an old woman, believing in good, old-fashion moral.

Around 10 hours to go before I have to get ready for the ride to the appointment. I probably should start a little earlier considering I will definitely be in the throes of panic attacks.

Yes, I’m almost talking myself into them but I have been trying multiple different ways of meditating and breathing, which is nearly impossible with my brain running its nonstop version of racing and demolition derby with my thoughts.

The goofy combination of multiple techniques that I use to take the edge off of my attacks is not working anymore

I’m drained again.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami atleast you tried so it's alright ^^ dealing with resistance is mentally exhausting.

Best of luck :) I hope things go super alright.

@BlueDarkAurora

Thank you

@BlueDarkAurora

I am blessed to have you by my side as well, thank you.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Maybe imagine we're sitting there with you because even though we're not there physically we are there with you in spirit and heart ❤️ deep breaths Iam in and out

@mytwistedsoul

I have been trying to do that as well . My brain just runs away with things and trying to override it is nearly impossible.

I am hoping the bump in medications will minimize the pain and discomfort so I can focus more on doing just that, trying to override my thoughts and put all of you in the front row.

Thank you ❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami That anxiety takes over everything. I'm sorry you struggle with it too

You'll definitely be in my thoughts. I hope your trip is painless and your appointment gives you solutions to get you feeling better ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you and I certainly hope so. ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

How nice of you to tell that Iam is in your thoughts. He has been in my thoughts also today.

@Helgafy You've been in my thoughts too ❤️ I worry about you but it's really nice seeing you around ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

You must not worry! I live my life day by day - some times happy, other times not so happy - (this is what life is like for most people).