Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
I suppose the suggestions may state that talking things over with someone else, getting their opinions and input, they could share their experiences with me.
Isn’t that what I already am doing? My friends and anyone else who wants to can freely respond to anything and everything I write here without judgement. All are openly invited to share anything intermixed in my writings as long as it’s based in kindness not in hate.
Maybe it would be beneficial, I am not sure if I should or not.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hello, replying here, cause the messages are cutting there.
I'm glad to know that you don't mind someone pointing the typos out.. I was worried I highlighted it ^^ whatever feels good enough to you is fine.
And for the affirmations part I get that, I've got many that just feels like words and sentences without any meaning to them. But I'm trying, they are better than holding on to the negative thoughts that feels like facts sometimes. Our brain through repetition made the negatives feel like our truth which is not correct. I'm hoping we can do that with the positives which actually hold truth to them.
It is completely okay if you do them or need to take time before you can think about giving them a try:)
@BlueDarkAurora
Ok, give me a minute to go back to the other messages. I am now a little, actually a lot confused. I like the affirmations, and they do hold meaning for me.
I just have problems with working the technology to print them out. Then after I print them out wherever I do put them, I am not sure I would actually see them because in my world at home , I don’t really look at much of anything and actually “see” anything. My thoughts are what I see. I am just going through the motions of using the bathroom, or the microwave, falling into bed , etc etc. My body is programmed to do those things. My mind is where I live .
I don’t know how to explain it so you are able to fully understand what I’m trying to say.
I want to put them up so I can see them and read them repeatedly and maybe, just maybe, they might ring true for me.
My only issue is the actual seeing them part.
I apologize for not being able to explain this properly.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami oh I see, no worries ^^ it was a misunderstanding on my part :)
I understand that the darkness I live in and the negativity that oozes from me is reflected in my writings and is difficult reading. Those that brave the darkness and visit me here too long can be negatively impacted by my world,
I would only hope that if that were to happen, especially to one of those I call a friend, that they would reach out and tell me that they need to step away from my darkness for a bit, that it is taking its toll on them. I would understand, yes I would be disappointed, but I would understand. I maybe wouldn’t worry so much about them.
A very recent exchange of messages is further reasons that I am not sure a listener would be effective.
This recent exchange is proof of my ability to explain myself without affecting the other person negatively.
Just received an email from my insurance company regarding my short term disability approval being up on the 19th. The day of my surgeons appointment, which I think would be considered a consultation appointment. So I am expected to be miraculously cured once I leave that surgeons office on the 19th.
Yes, I contacted the insurance company and requested an extension and answered a bunch of questions that didn’t make sense due to my situation and they continued to ask if I would be back to work after the 19th. My anxieties and my frustration and probably a little anger were all pushed to the edge by the end of that call. After I got off the phone however, I had a very wracking panic attack. I haven’t had that much problem regaining some semblance of balance.
My doctor messaged me back regarding my medication concern about the ride to the doctor on the 19th.
She is upping my gabapentin to three times a day, and the oxycodone stays the same until it runs out , which is shortly after the 19th. She stated I could double up the oxycodone the day of the appointment. I fear this not being enough but I am not a doctor.
I won’t be able to renew the oxycodone for 30 days after the prescription date expires due to laws regarding this medication.
I hope I am not addicted to the medication. I have never experienced issues quitting long term use items that I was addicted to. No major withdrawal issues. However I have never been personally addicted to medications. And the things I’ve seen and the stories I’ve heard literally scare me.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami just a heads up. THere are many cases where people taking pain meds lie Oxycodone under the name Oxycontin is one of those overprescribed by physians. It might be wise to get a second opinion before upping the dose of Oxycodone. According to reports I read the opiod crisis is centered around such medications.
@soulsings
Thank you, the dose increase is recommended my doctor, that increase only applies to that one day.
I don’t like taking medications and I don’t self medicate or adjust dosages for any reason.
I am extremely concerned about the addiction possibilities as well. Unfortunately, due to the extreme pain I am in and my living situation I am at the mercy of medication that the doctor prescribes that even touches the pain.
I truly appreciate you reaching out to me and sharing this information and your concern.
I am probably the most concerned about this singular thing than anything else regarding this latest situation with my back and legs. My concern revolves around the very thing you have brought up here.
Thank you…….
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hear you and am sorry to hear you are in so much pain.
My friend when they go off meds cut down on the dose the last week or so to give the body time to acclimate so if you have to go off the pain killer for a month this might help you. They call it weaning off a med.
@soulsings
That crossed my mind but my prescription runs out only a day or so after the appointment.
Then I only have my nerve medication to rely on. If I didn’t need it as often as the doctor recommended I would have a few to do that with . So it will be straight off of them.
I need to contact my pharmacy because there might be an option for chance of addiction or something like that. If not I am still scared of the possibility of addiction. I have never had to struggle with withdrawal and my anxiety is reeling with that fear.
Thank you for reaching out again. My fear has me thinking I am going to need all the support I can get in the coming weeks just for that possibility, then there’s the surgery that is probably in the future.
I am thankful for (friends?) people like you reaching out to and supporting me. I put the friends with the question mark there because I don’t know if you are comfortable being called that in relation to me.
Thank you
@soulsings
I skipped a little detail. The day of the appointment the doctor okayed doubling my oxycodone to try and help with the pain, she also prescribed a version of narcan.. I hope I spelled that correctly, I don’t remember the actual name of what was filled. She did that in case of overdose on the trip. So that double dose depending on length of appointment takes away from any real possibility of weaning off at all.
I ordered some cheaper “fat” jeans, for when I may be able to wear jeans again. I went off the tag of one of the pairs I wore for work and ordered the next larger size. Come to find out that the rest of the jeans for work, including a bunch of new ones were already the fat size. So I have plenty of jeans I currently can’t fit into, I can’t currently wear them anyway due to the extreme pain putting them on and removing them. So I am stuck ordering the right size.
If I would’ve been on top of organizing I would have caught this.
My memories are so intermittent lately. More than usual, I can lay here for hours trying so hard to remember certain points in my life and I may grasp on to a strand or two. Then a day or two later, someone asks me again about something in my childhood and it’s like the floodgates open, an hour or so later I don’t remember anything about it anymore.
This then makes me feel guilty again because I read back through my ramblings a bit and find that somebody else had asked me something similar and I couldn’t remember anything about it at the time they asked me . How can anyone possibly believe anything I say with my mind so screwed up?
I am sure this happens quite often, I can’t control it, but that doesn’t matter. It’s my friends that matter, and if they can’t trust what I say then I suppose I won’t have any friends anymore. I don’t blame them, I am the one at fault. Whether or not I can control my own mind and the thoughts that race around inside it , or the strands of thought that I may or may not be able to grasp from one minute to the next, whether or not I can be reliable for what I can remember from one minute to the next , that doesn’t matter. My friends matter, and If I can’t be reliable, I can’t blame them for backing away.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami To me it makes sense. There are times that I can remember things with clarity but then later might not have memory of it at all. This can happen with conversations or even driving somewhere. Our minds are actually pretty complicated with how it stores things. We can repress and suppress information - thoughts and emotions. In one moment I can have a million thoughts but if I'm asked to say them aloud they will sometimes all disappear
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you, I will try and remember to check in to dissociate and how it relates to me at a later time.
Right now I can only think and worry about Tiny. Whatever is going on with her, if it’s the pneumonia or something else, I am really extremely worried about her. I can’t shake this feeling.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I've been pretty worried about her as well. It's unusual to see her so quiet. The best we can do is to send our good thoughts and healing vibes her way and hope that she's alright and hope that she returns soon ❤️
