Ramblings 3

@BlueDarkAurora

Okay, good, I have been really trying to include everyones usernames in my search for my writing mistakes.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami all I'm saying is that it's okay if you do ^^ 

@BluDarkAurora

No worries. If I happen to do it again, I welcome someone telling me I did so, I try so hard to make sure my words are spelled correctly, and that they hopefully are not triggering, which that can be tricky because then my wording may be a bit elusive and confusing in regards to my meaning. I can’t improve if I am not aware of a problem no matter how small.

@Tinywhisper11

You are in my thoughts quite regularly, My hand is in yours, my love wrapping you gently in my arms. I hope that you feel better soon.

💕💕Sending unconditional, unlimited Love and Gentle Hugs to you 💕💕

@Helgafy

These messages that we have been exchanging really do mean a lot to me, and I want you to know that. I may say this multiple times, my memory is not the best. So, please don’t take offense if I repeat this or something similar to you, because I want to be sure that you know how I feel in case my health or mind takes another step or two in the direction it is currently heading and I am no longer able to communicate that.

Thank you, You are an important part of my life.

I have this annoying thing that I do that I can’t seem to stop doing. Actually I have several things that fall into that category.

I’m not sure how to explain it. For example, those storage totes I just purchased, I ordered two different sizes, My decision to the quantity of each I need is not necessarily determined by actual need. It is more affected by a strange internal need to have equal quantities of similar unused items. If I now used say five of the smaller ones, then I would have more of the larger ones. So as soon as I can afford it I order five of the smaller ones so that the quantities are equal again.

I have attained another annoying habit, it involves organizing belongings, storage containers, carefully labeled. Since this habit began I have rearranged and relabeled numerous times. Currently due to my mobility issues, beginning timeframe is long before this last part of being bedridden, when the pain made it difficult after work to partake in this, my house is disorganized and a mess and that causes some anxiety issues.

There are other similar behaviors. I don’t know when exactly they began, and I don’t know why I do these things. Is it something to do with things I already struggle with and they are progressing, or is this something different?

All I know for sure is that it is annoying and irritating to me.

@amiablePeace77

I want you to know that your checking in on me periodically means a lot to me. I think you were one of the original ones that reached out to me, unfortunately I don’t remember many people anymore. But those I do, I want to make sure that I let them know that between every word and the simple gesture of reading my ramblings. Especially knowing the darkness I live in . The way things seem to be heading regarding my health and my mind, I just want to be sure that as many people as possible realize how important they are to me. Thabk you for everything.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I'm very sorry that you're suffering so much and hope talking here on the site will give you some comfort. Please make use of the crisis support if needed, you can find it here.

@amiablePeace77

Ok, thank you for your concern.

@BlueDarkAurora

I am trying to reach out to those who I remember, unfortunately there are too many I don’t remember, but I want you to be aware of how much your word’s rooted in kindness and love means to me. I may have already told you this and maybe may tell you again later, hopefully you take that in stride. I don’t know if my health and my mind continues on this path that they are on, but if they do my hope would be that everyone who ever reached out to me here in this wonderful community knows how much all of their words meant to me.

So , Thank you….

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hehe why would I mind being appreciated a thousand or maybe infinite times xD You're so welcome:) 

I just wanted to tell you that me sharing affirmations here or anything positive does not mean that I expect something from you or expect that you do follow them. When someone first offered the idea of positive affirmations to me, I lied and ignored it :3 You could have done that, you could have asked me not to post but instead you considered it and that really amazed me.

With everything that you are going through, it would be understandable if you said "it's difficult and I can't do it" but all I hear from you is "it's difficult but I'll try" and that is so awesome. I hope someday you be able to see all the strength you held on to when it was so easy to give up<3

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I have no expectations of you. Well - except for you to just be you. That's as far as my expectations go. Just be you - good or bad - it's all ok. And I don't think you owe anybody anything. Right now is a waiting game for the appointment with the surgeon - which waiting sucks. Waiting is the hardest part ❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Friend. 

Do you need to see your doctor? Some find it good to have some (a little bit) of electrisity going through the brain to lighteen up. My doctor told me I could have that once, but I had no energy to leave my home. But meanwhile; Jesus Christ - the light of the world - and I come to visit you. We sit by you and stay in your house as long as it is needed. Here is a quote I got from 7Cups once: "If you can't look at the bright side I will sit with you in the dark."

That above is just a thought that is a rather repetitive one that is a member of the darkest of thoughts. That is one of the nicer ones.

The only difference regarding this thought and those that keep it company is that whenever the darkest of thoughts come forward when by chance my mind is deathly quiet, the more pronounced they are.

There’s downsides to the calm mind with the darkest thoughts settling in for awhile, one thing is missing the chaos of my mind and its racing thoughts, two is the clarity that I see past incidents and scenarios leading up to those incidents, all those times I gave in and followed their lead.

Some of those moments, I remember the actual thoughts going through my mind, I remember all the times I woke up and realized I failed, I remember the extreme level of disappointment and sadness that I failed, each time progressively feeling worse due failing again and again.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

lol - I have a sentence I tell myself when I think of my failures, setbacks: "Your failures, setbacks are wonderful gifts put in your hands." And then I visualize golden gifts put in my hands.

Another reality is that due to the lifetime supply of failures to achieve that goal at the bidding of darkest of thoughts,

Further attempts will not be in the cards.

Mind is still “quiet”. Still occupied by the darkest of thoughts.

I have debated with myself about connecting with a listener here. I have went through the list of names a multitude of times.

I struggle with this concept for many reasons.

1> listeners struggle with their own issues and they are still offering to listen to others who are struggling. I know that hearing the words of the struggles of others may not necessarily trigger them, those words do affect them and not necessarily in a way that is noticeable, which could in turn affect their own struggles.

2> I am open and honest in all my own writings, so what good can come from dumping it all onto one individual who is struggling themselves and is offering their kindness and support. If my extreme negativity rubbed off on them, I wouldn’t handle that very well.

3>. I want everything I write here out in the open here, I want no secrets regarding anything I write here. Communications with a listener wouldn’t be open to everyone here.

There are more reasons but I think my point is made.

What can be accomplished? I am already an open book here.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Sometimes the instant back and forth of messages can be helpful and conversations like that might lead to finding out things that help ^^ but it's completely your decision to make. Finding a listener that works for you can take a little while, we are all different individuals with different ways of dealing with things and ofcourse sometimes we also have an idea of the kind of support we are looking for so it is like trying till you find what works best for you. 

It's very kind of you to think from the listeners side as well. It is very much emphasised here that listeners put self care first to fill their cups so they be able to help others the best, plus they also do fixed schedule chats so that it is not too much for them as well. I'm sure if you do decide to connect to a listener you won't be causing them any kind of harm cause you have a lot of empathy for people.

Thank you…that is definitely helpful information for me.

I suppose the suggestions may state that talking things over with someone else, getting their opinions and input, they could share their experiences with me.

Isn’t that what I already am doing? My friends and anyone else who wants to can freely respond to anything and everything I write here without judgement. All are openly invited to share anything intermixed in my writings as long as it’s based in kindness not in hate.

Maybe it would be beneficial, I am not sure if I should or not.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hello, replying here, cause the messages are cutting there. 

I'm glad to know that you don't mind someone pointing the typos out.. I was worried I highlighted it ^^ whatever feels good enough to you is fine. 

And for the affirmations part I get that, I've got many that just feels like words and sentences without any meaning to them. But I'm trying, they are better than holding on to the negative thoughts that feels like facts sometimes. Our brain through repetition made the negatives feel like our truth which is not correct. I'm hoping we can do that with the positives which actually hold truth to them.

It is completely okay if you do them or need to take time before you can think about giving them a try:) 

@BlueDarkAurora

Ok, give me a minute to go back to the other messages. I am now a little, actually a lot confused. I like the affirmations, and they do hold meaning for me.

I just have problems with working the technology to print them out. Then after I print them out wherever I do put them, I am not sure I would actually see them because in my world at home , I don’t really look at much of anything and actually “see” anything. My thoughts are what I see. I am just going through the motions of using the bathroom, or the microwave, falling into bed , etc etc. My body is programmed to do those things. My mind is where I live .

I don’t know how to explain it so you are able to fully understand what I’m trying to say.

I want to put them up so I can see them and read them repeatedly and maybe, just maybe, they might ring true for me.

My only issue is the actual seeing them part.

I apologize for not being able to explain this properly.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami oh I see, no worries ^^ it was a misunderstanding on my part :) 

I understand that the darkness I live in and the negativity that oozes from me is reflected in my writings and is difficult reading. Those that brave the darkness and visit me here too long can be negatively impacted by my world,

I would only hope that if that were to happen, especially to one of those I call a friend, that they would reach out and tell me that they need to step away from my darkness for a bit, that it is taking its toll on them. I would understand, yes I would be disappointed, but I would understand. I maybe wouldn’t worry so much about them.

A very recent exchange of messages is further reasons that I am not sure a listener would be effective.

This recent exchange is proof of my ability to explain myself without affecting the other person negatively.

Just received an email from my insurance company regarding my short term disability approval being up on the 19th. The day of my surgeons appointment, which I think would be considered a consultation appointment. So I am expected to be miraculously cured once I leave that surgeons office on the 19th.

Yes, I contacted the insurance company and requested an extension and answered a bunch of questions that didn’t make sense due to my situation and they continued to ask if I would be back to work after the 19th. My anxieties and my frustration and probably a little anger were all pushed to the edge by the end of that call. After I got off the phone however, I had a very wracking panic attack. I haven’t had that much problem regaining some semblance of balance.

My doctor messaged me back regarding my medication concern about the ride to the doctor on the 19th.

She is upping my gabapentin to three times a day, and the oxycodone stays the same until it runs out , which is shortly after the 19th. She stated I could double up the oxycodone the day of the appointment. I fear this not being enough but I am not a doctor.

I won’t be able to renew the oxycodone for 30 days after the prescription date expires due to laws regarding this medication.

I hope I am not addicted to the medication. I have never experienced issues quitting long term use items that I was addicted to. No major withdrawal issues. However I have never been personally addicted to medications. And the things I’ve seen and the stories I’ve heard literally scare me.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami just a heads up. THere are many cases where people taking pain meds lie Oxycodone under the name Oxycontin is one of those overprescribed by physians. It might be wise to get a second opinion before upping the dose of Oxycodone. According to reports I read the opiod crisis is centered around such medications.

@soulsings

Thank you, the dose increase is recommended my doctor, that increase only applies to that one day.

I don’t like taking medications and I don’t self medicate or adjust dosages for any reason.

I am extremely concerned about the addiction possibilities as well. Unfortunately, due to the extreme pain I am in and my living situation I am at the mercy of medication that the doctor prescribes that even touches the pain.

I truly appreciate you reaching out to me and sharing this information and your concern.

I am probably the most concerned about this singular thing than anything else regarding this latest situation with my back and legs. My concern revolves around the very thing you have brought up here.

Thank you…….

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hear you and am sorry to hear you are in so much pain. 

My friend when they go off meds cut down on the dose the last week or so to give the body time to acclimate so if you have to go off the pain killer for a month this might help you. They call it weaning off a med. 

@soulsings

That crossed my mind but my prescription runs out only a day or so after the appointment.

Then I only have my nerve medication to rely on. If I didn’t need it as often as the doctor recommended I would have a few to do that with . So it will be straight off of them.

I need to contact my pharmacy because there might be an option for chance of addiction or something like that. If not I am still scared of the possibility of addiction. I have never had to struggle with withdrawal and my anxiety is reeling with that fear.

Thank you for reaching out again. My fear has me thinking I am going to need all the support I can get in the coming weeks just for that possibility, then there’s the surgery that is probably in the future.

I am thankful for (friends?) people like you reaching out to and supporting me. I put the friends with the question mark there because I don’t know if you are comfortable being called that in relation to me.

Thank you

@soulsings

I skipped a little detail. The day of the appointment the doctor okayed doubling my oxycodone to try and help with the pain, she also prescribed a version of narcan.. I hope I spelled that correctly, I don’t remember the actual name of what was filled. She did that in case of overdose on the trip. So that double dose depending on length of appointment takes away from any real possibility of weaning off at all.

I ordered some cheaper “fat” jeans, for when I may be able to wear jeans again. I went off the tag of one of the pairs I wore for work and ordered the next larger size. Come to find out that the rest of the jeans for work, including a bunch of new ones were already the fat size. So I have plenty of jeans I currently can’t fit into, I can’t currently wear them anyway due to the extreme pain putting them on and removing them. So I am stuck ordering the right size.

If I would’ve been on top of organizing I would have caught this.

@Tinywhisper11

❤️❤️You are in my thoughts, gentle hugs ❤️❤️

My memories are so intermittent lately. More than usual, I can lay here for hours trying so hard to remember certain points in my life and I may grasp on to a strand or two. Then a day or two later, someone asks me again about something in my childhood and it’s like the floodgates open, an hour or so later I don’t remember anything about it anymore.

This then makes me feel guilty again because I read back through my ramblings a bit and find that somebody else had asked me something similar and I couldn’t remember anything about it at the time they asked me . How can anyone possibly believe anything I say with my mind so screwed up?

I am sure this happens quite often, I can’t control it, but that doesn’t matter. It’s my friends that matter, and if they can’t trust what I say then I suppose I won’t have any friends anymore. I don’t blame them, I am the one at fault. Whether or not I can control my own mind and the thoughts that race around inside it , or the strands of thought that I may or may not be able to grasp from one minute to the next, whether or not I can be reliable for what I can remember from one minute to the next , that doesn’t matter. My friends matter, and If I can’t be reliable, I can’t blame them for backing away.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami To me it makes sense. There are times that I can remember things with clarity but then later might not have memory of it at all. This can happen with conversations or even driving somewhere. Our minds are actually pretty complicated with how it stores things. We can repress and suppress information - thoughts and emotions. In one moment I can have a million thoughts but if I'm asked to say them aloud they will sometimes all disappear