Some edgy journal name **trigger warning: child abuse, sexual assault, self harm, suicide**

My arm hurts. I am scared and exhausted. Nightmares... I need to get back to work yet the amount of stuff I need to deal with right now feels insurmountable. If I don't address these memories I can't work out what kind of relationship I am going to have with my family. Its Mothers Day coming up soon and its just become another trigger. Got to see nurse tomorrow, and crisis team, and partners mother is coming over, and though part of me is happy to see her, part of me just feels like its a slap in the face. I'm a real joy right now ahha.

Had a good week last week. My arms been a good reminder. I am scared if I did anything again it would be bad. I've been working with my partner to try and make sure I am stable. I am honestly all over the place.

Contacted an old therapist and asked for help, shes managed to give me a session 2pm on Sunday which is honestly a god send. I hopeful that I can atleast chat with her and we can work out what I need going forward, get an idea of if/how she can help. She has helped me alot in the past and if I work with her again I won't need to do all that ground work again, I already trust her. The idea of seeing anyone else right now when I feel so vunerable is freaking terrifying.

Looked back over a bunch of my old art therapy work and there was some stuff that just yelled at me. I had this drawing that was just a naked man that looked terrifying and ominous, picture of me trapped up against the wall by a man and I look like a little girl. That page had lots of almost sexual references and almost all of them I looked like a child. I even had a fringe which I haven't had since I was young. Also another terrifying drawing which looked terrifyingly like I was pregnant. It said something to me but I don't want to go into that.

I have this strange certainty that the abuse continued after we moved house, the only person who it could have been is my father. Theres no other common denominator there. I realised I have no memories of when I was in different bedrooms (or I think I was?) between 10-12 I have memories of feeling unsafe. Some stuff about a bed I got when I was much older not sure what thats about. I have a drawing where there is this huge looming shadow in my bedroom doorway even in my room when I was much older. Honestly I don't know if anything adds up to anything, but well if I had lost stuff this long, whats to say there isn't more. I know it went on for years, it was not a one off. I remember smells, beard brushing against face, always wondered why that was a huge trigger for me. I've only ever dated clean shaven people. How can a person forget all of this.

I still wonder if I've made all this stuff up. Maybe its all just an over reactive imagination or something? I can pretend lol.

@Lilibuth12 i hope it's alright to say here, i hope you've been doing well

My memory. Is an issue. In many ways ahaha. But in some more alarming ways recently. Not sure if its the meds or dissociation but I'm struggling more and more remembering whats happening around me at the moment. I can't remember having a shower this morning, like nothing. But apparently I did have one, because I had wet hair on my call this morning and my partner said I had one. And yesterday when I went to bed I paniced momentarily as I realised I had been wearing a really triggering shirt all day that I didn't remember putting on.

I am also sad that I can't wear anything around my neck at the moment. I have a special necklace from my partner that before a few months ago I wore 24/7 for years. But now I can't stand it around my neck. Even my t-shirts are a push at the moment. Hoodies zipped up too high queue panic attacks. Its exhausting. Had to cancel my dentists appointment because of a similar thing. Being trapped is a major trigger.

I've been doing much better recently. Been keeping busy. Always busy. I can't stop or I start drowning again. But still its something. Been sewing, cooking, baking, painting, reading, lots of ings lol. Its been keeping me going and thats good. I am not constantly actively suicidial which is a huge change. I've been discharged from the crisis team. Its a start. Also working mornings which is a relief. I enjoy my job and even though I am working in a very much reduce capacity I am happy to be able to do anything right now. It gives me some purpous.

The nightmares are relentless this last week. It seems as soon as I leave full crisis they come back again. Its a mix of what I am afraid might be flashbacks and just constant nightmares about my fear of being trapped. Last night one of them I was mugged, dragged to the floor and injected with addictive drugs. The night before I had what I think was a flashback in a dream of an old wooden table in someones dining room/kitchen and I knew it was the kitchen of a kid from schools. In the dream I had a panic attack and couldn't breath. Honestly dreams and reality are blurring alot recently.

I feel really depressed today. Everything feels insurmountable. I have no idea how I am going to cope on my own. I have this bug in my brain that just wants to be free. Liam keeps wanting to cut my breasts off because he hates them, its not his body. Lilly I've come to realise is kinda stuck in her own way, shes not really fully present in real life. She spends most of her day playing in the corner of my mind, telling me she likes unicorns. I still have not bought her the unicorn I promised her. Alice is well... Alice. And I am a hot mess. Yay.

Keep feeling like I am not ill enough because I didn't get hospitalised. I know thats not how it works but my head just wants to keep trying until someone sections me. My community mental health team were meant to be calling me last week but had the wrong number and now I am worried the resources meant for me have been given to someone else. I have started seeing a therapist but its on some very basic stuff right now just coping. I dunno everything is just a mess. Wanna just drink and do stupid stuff. I am doing okay but I don't want to be. Want to be falling appart. Dunno my self destructive instinct is hardcore.

Think I am getting more and more new flashbacks. This time it was in the bath. It was grim and painful. Not going into anymore than that. Really struggling with the disconnect between these flashbacks and reality. I feel so dissociated from all of it, its like it was not ever real. But sometimes I just feel them in my body, I can feel ghost hands over me, feel ghosts of pain. That utterly sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I've been having constant UTI's and bowel problems aswell. I know TMI but I imagine its all connected. I haven't had sex in months. I struggle to even kiss my partner as that is bringing on flashbacks at the moment.

My grandma called and left me a voice mail. She sounded concerned. They all sound so concerned. How could it be him if hes so concerned about me. It makes no sense. I don't want to blame him if its not him, hes fragile and it would break him. But if he did, then I don't care. It can break him for all I care. But I don't know. And its going to take months if not years to unpack this level of crazy.

I've got to distract myself. Every freaking minute of every freaking day. Or else I fall into suicidal thoughts and self harm. Then sometimes suicidal actions. I am working half days but thats cut my pay in half. I am going through moments where I think I can cope and many more where I am pretty damn certain I can't. I want to leave my partner so I have nothing left. But thankfully I've not managed that yet. He found me drinking in the basement the other day, was very angry with me. I just wanna self destruct but I can't let myself, or I'll lose what I have left. Contradictory I know.

I am and never will be good enough. Not good enough to get taken seriously, not good enough to break down, not good enough to exist. I hate this iron control I often have over myself. It just feels like I am trapped in a cage screaming but its surrounded in lead and noone outside can hear or see me. The total discongreousness between my inner and outer life jarring to say the least. I took an overdose the other day. Measured the dose, hoped it would be enough. But nope, woke up the next day. Not told anyone just woke up sad to be alive. Felt a bit shit but thats it. Just disappointed.

I have decided to post again. I am not all dark and gloomy! And yes I am kinda all over the place emotionally. HOWEVER! I also do fun things. LIke bake, and sew, and paint things and reupholster chairs, and tidy my house and organise cupboards and draw penguines. And make myself my own personal quiz to help me work out what to do when I am stuck ahaha. Yes my head is a mess, and yes, 7cups does get my worst side because this is stuff I struggle to share anywhere else. But its not all doom and gloom lol! Thank y'all for comming to my ted talk ;).

Really struggling with wanting to stop taking my meds. Honestly my partner is likely the only reason I am still taking them. Granted hes also the only reason I am alive, so I guess the two come together. I just want to be able to feel the highs, right now I feel like I have been dulled? by everything. The flashbacks don't hurt like they should, feelings are harder to grab onto. Everything is just ... less. Which I should be thankful for, but my brain is like grabbing for some kinda something. It wants more. Wonder if I will be able to do my week long coding extravaganzas on meds. I am tired and fed up.

I keep wondering what its going to take to get me back to work full time. And honestly I am worrying its going to be a long time.