PTSD Diary

I'm back, I've been over the web for the past year posting my experiences on different forums.

I do need an outlet to vent how I feel & I'm gonna start posting here again.

In June 2018, I was having suicidal thoughts. I had hit the lowest point I thought I could. I got back into therapy & things improved. I had another bout of suicidal thoughts in late 2018 & some in early 2019. I wasn't planning anything, but it was a very dark place.

I've had no interest in life for a long time. I've just survived, gritted my teeth & got up one day after another.

I'm at a low point in terms of my real life now. My business is in debt, I have a wedding to pay for & I am pretty miserable. This all comes from having zero interest in life.

I need to change & get better.

I'm glad to be back here, I feel better for sharing

I tend to ignore recovery resources at the weekend & that isn't great. It's something I need to address as my mood goes down at the weekend.

I feel better overall. I'm doing a lot less browsing on social media & I am staying away from negatives.

Need to work a little harder. I will be setting up a new business hopefully before the end of the year, but I do need to work harder in my current work.

Ahh, hit post before I meant to. It's tough at the minute & has been for a long time. I am trying to improve things but feel as though I'm stuck in the mud. I went through a ton growing up & trying to move on from it is problematic.

Maybe I just need to own it, the things I've done & actually move on. Seems to make sense. I cant avoid the trauma or act like it didn't happen, because it did.

Accepting where I am is really important. It's one of the things I'm not doing.

So my conclusion from today is that I need to sort myself out for me. I need to get my house tidier & get everything in order. I am doing better, but I do need to improve a lot more.

I actually feel pretty motivated & as though nothing is going to stop me this time round.

I have a plan. I want to move out of this business & into others. I want to move away in the long term.

Feeling good today.

Been for a run. Got some work done. Watching a bit on Netflix.

I think I need to just try to get a it more distance between me & my old life. Meditate more, read more, eat healthier, do more. I need to do this whilst also accepting it as a part of me. Tough balance to find.

Mood is good though, enjoying myself in the day.

Feeling really good. Signed up to be a listener, which I think is a step forward for me. I want to help others & learn how to deal with things properly. I like the idea of certification & I'm going to make it a mission moving forward.

Tidied my office & I've seen that I am treating the symptoms of my problems, rather than actually dealing with them. Going to the gym, meditating etc is all good & well if I'm actually dealing with things.

Maladaptive daydreaming has been an issue for me, mainly as a coping mechanism for bad situations.. I'm getting some support for that, which is good.

Work is still pretty bad, but I will get myself out of it.

I feel better again today.

Currently, my main issue is maladaptive daydreaming (MD). Most other PTSD symptoms are manageable. I would say that MD is a byproduct of PTSD. I used it as a coping mechanism to deal with trauma.

MD is destructive & in terms of time has been 80% of the issue.

I just need to speak up about it & give it up.

My Dad comes to me for a lot of advice... stepping away from that as well. I am changing my perspective & just empathising.

It's been a while since I've posted here. Nearly 3 years. In that time, I've got married & had a daughter, who is truly the light of my life.

I haven't gambled & I've drank twice. One time was a negligible amount & the other time was a heavy binge.

I am currently on the waiting list to be assessed for ADHD, which isn't something I expected. A lot of the symptoms fit my experience.

As part of that, I will get therapy. I cannot currently afford private counseling.

Overall, I still feel pretty bad. There are elements of my life that I love & others that I don't. I still work with my Dad & that's the main struggle. I'm not sure if its the work or the relationship, probably a bit of both. I am in debt as a result of the business not performing. I've lived off credit to keep the business going. That's currently the biggest problem in my life. The business is just me & my Dad, so it's something we need to deal with.

I've been thinking about my previous post.

I've been doing what I do for 12 years. It's a long time & it's been filled with negatives. I am running a business with the person who has caused probably the most harm in my life. He doesn't realize it either.

The problems I see are as follows:

• I am socially anxious & therefore struggle to do the sales aspect of the job.
• I struggle with focus & as a result the business is disorganized.
• My Dad is emotionally volatile & offloads his problems on to me, which really stresses me out.
• My Dad doesn't think he can handle any more work, when most months the work he completes doesn't result in a profit.
• My work consists of things my Dad doesn't want to do. Because of my social anxiety, a sales role in the business doesn't exist, so I end up doing this stuff anyway.

I guess I need to consider whether or not I can manage my Dad in the right way to generate a profit.

Didn't mean to hit post on that last one.

I think a lot of the business is based on motivation, which isn't reliable. Things just need doing irrespective of how I feel. Our feelings are running the business & that doesn't result in profit.

The current business problems are an extension of the trauma & emotional problems that have occurred. Since my Moms death in 2004, things haven't been good. I shut down completely & my role became to protect my Dad. It's like I'm living in a parallel universe to the one that I grew up in.

I don't know how I feel. I don't know if I want to run this business. I feel numb. If I keep going the way I am, I will end up completely broke & with everyone around me hating me. That doesn't make me change my checked out behavior though. It doesn't make me want to change my behavior. I feel like I need to, but I don't really want to.

I think I have my answer. Motivation doesn't matter. Rather than taking action to change my life, I'm trying to motivate myself into doing it. I know roughly what the right things to do are.

Like stopping gambling & drinking. If I can set up a structure that enables me to succeed, irrespective of whether I'm motivated or not, then I think I'll feel better in the long run.

I know I don't like feeling like a failure & that feels normal to me now. It has since my Mom died.