PTSD Diary

Thinking about crisis, I'm definitely not in crisis. I probably have been for a while & ignored it, but definitely not now. Today, I feel good.

Anxiety has a tendency to knock me off my feet. I feel a bit of anxiety & it knocks me offline. I give up & then I feel more anxious. I'm used to things being bad, so it's normal for me.

Got a sale in already this week, which is great. Interesting in the gym this morning. I was able to do more by changing my mindset. I think I am underestimating myself & not putting enough effort in. There are a lot of things I can do that I'm not doing because they're challenging.

I cannot go back to the dark place. I have to move forward into the light. I cannot let my Dads issues drag me down & depress me. It cannot happen anymore. I have to be tougher to it. It's important.

Places I've been in the past helped me acknowledge that I had an issue, but didn't help solve anything really. I have to do that work myself.

It would have been my Moms birthday today. I feel quite sad about it. It's odd, because in some ways I feel as though I should celebrate her birthday, but it still feels sad.

I didn't get up early as usual & was pretty anxious this morning. I dealt with a couple of problems yesterday & it was legit progress. I just have to back it up with the work this week. Got to travel for work tomorrow & I really don't want to. I'd rather be working remotely. I guess that's the goal to strive for.

I am motivated by competition. I'm learning a language on Duolingo & it's helping that I'm competing in a league. I think i need to find the competition at work. Maybe the motivation is to compete with my Dad. Not sure.

A question that popped into my head is "Am I here because my Mom died?" I'm not sure on the answer to that. I'm not sure if that's what I struggle with. Maybe it's more about ADHD than I realized. MY Mom did really help me with that though, so in a way it probably is about that. Once I'm doing something, I'm okay.

I can't say I feel really down about my Moms death at this point. Nor have I felt that way for a long time. It's probably a mix of depression, PTSD & ADHD. Maybe I'm just numb to everything. Not put effort into the right things for a long time.

I was a 'gifted' child & that doesn't help. Sure, I could hit the top of the class with relative ease, but what does that matter if I don't do stuff consistently.

Feeling rubbish today & I'm not sure why. I've been out to a job site & done some good work.

In some ways I think I need to toughen up. By that I mean regulate my emotions better. I can only do that by accepting them.

I think I shut down completely through stress. The stress of being bullied & the stress of feeling like an idiot most of the time. The stress of taking on my Dads problems & not being able to express how I really felt about that. I feel taken advantage of.

For some reason I feel free. I'm not sure why this is. It's a good feeling. I sat for half an hour with my dog & when I came round, everything felt a lot lighter. I'm looking forward to the gym tomorrow & moving forward. I feel better than I have in years. I think I've processed some emotion, more on this tomorrow. I have a busy evening ahead.

Making progress doesn't mean being perfect. I can't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. It's not about getting it right 100% of the time, it's about being on the path & moving forward as best I can.

I saved a Reddit post about being in limbo & I honestly think that's where I've been for a long time. Years wasted daydreaming & being down. Getting myself into terrible situations & feeling terrible.

I've changed in big ways quickly before & I can do it now. The Time is now. Everything else needs to fade into the background.

A couple of hours without my phone. Wow, I feel less stressed. I think the internet & social media are big distractions for me. If I didn't go on, or I minimized the time I spent on social media, I would have probably 20-30 hours a week extra time. I like reddit & I do like social media, but it is addictive, it is a distraction & it doesn't really benefit my life. Some bits of Reddit do, because it's curated, but other things don't.

Good weekend.

Got to spent some quality 1-1 time with my daughter, which was great.

I got a sauna this morning & was sat in the pool cooling down after it. It dawned on me that I need to change & the biggest area I need to do that is socially. I am socially anxious to.a very unhealthy degree. I think this probably stems from being bullied, not functioning properly due to ADHD & a very critical parent.

I think I can learn better social skills. I have done it before.

I am pretty shut down when it comes to showing emotions. I struggle to be myself. We were at a friends house the other day & I was playing with the kids. Having fun felt alien & I felt really self conscious.

When I was out working last week, I had to socialize & I found it tough. I got through it, but it was really tough. I'm not sure if I'm bad at it, or I'm just really out of practice due to my routine. I'm on my own most of the time.

I know it's something I have to change to move forward in my life. It's one thing to be quiet & reserved, it's another to have no friends & get walked over in a lot of social situations.

Feel really anxious this afternoon. It dawns on my that I think I need to change & a big part of that is dropping the ego.

When I was a loser with no friends, it was easy to change because I knew that I had to. That changed & as a result I have felt entitled in some ways, that needs to change.