PTSD Diary

I think I'm idealizing what my life can be like. Acting as if making money is the end of the world. It would be great to have more money & definitely be good to be financially secure.

Starting to make friends & move forward. It's good. I think loneliness has been a huge thing for me. I lost a lot of my friends between 2014-2015 & never replaced them. I felt shunned & although I understand it on some level, I think the way I was treated was unnecessary.

People actually wronged me & lied to my face. I got ripped off. I didn't deliberately hurt anyone. The one thing I did wrong was not go out as much. I didn't conform to influence. I didn't play the game well enough. I don't know. If I take ownership, I guess that's all I need to say. I didn't play the game well enough & lost my friends due to it. I see them on *** frequently. It may seem petty, but they seem to like everyones post aside from mine. I have messaged them & they don't respond. All in all, it's pretty odd. After we drifted, I made effort to reach out & it wasn't reciprocated.

That sense of belonging went. It's a terrible feeling. I think it shouldn't bother me because I have been through much tougher things but it really does. One of them got married this weekend. I think the whole experience ripped my confidence apart.

Anyway, I am starting to make new friends & that's a good thing. What's done is done. I can't change the past. In some ways I don't understand it. I've not done anything to hurt these people. I was messaging one of them, asked to catch up & got ignored. One of them ignored me in the street. Another pretty much ignored me in the shop. I feel embarrassed about it. I don't really think there is much I can do at this point aside from move on.

I think the lack of closure bothered me. I could & should have got that myself. I am speculating about something that I don't know. I don't know why I got kicked out of the group & ostracized. I know that happened & I know that every attempt to reach out after was rebuffed. I know that I got into a relationship & went out with them significantly less. I know that certain people will not have wanted me to be there. I know that for a fact & it's actually nothing to do with me. It's to do with things that happened with my wife prior to us meeting. She actually did nothing wrong either.

These people were my childhood friends. Went through a lot with them. It really saddens me that they aren't in my life anymore. Lots of shared formative experiences. I don't want to play the victim. I know I did things wrong & definitely didn't communicate well enough. When we drifted it wasn't just about my relationship, I had a lot going on. I was looking after my Gran & my wife's Gran as well. I was really busy. It felt like everyone wanted to stick the boot into me & my wife for wanting to be together.

I didn't realize my post's were going through. The system said there was an error.

I feel better for getting this off my chest & I guess this is all part of moving on. I hate what happened. Finding truth is hard. I have kept some friends around, so I guess I'm not all bad. Losing these friends made me feel like a loser. It made me feel worthless.

Now I've typed it out, I don't feel that bad about it. I certainly could have done more, I accept that. I didn't play the game well enough. I accept that. I don't think I did enough to be ostracized & completely ignored.

What's my approach going to be going forward? They aren't my friends & don't bother with me. They can't even say congratulations when I get married or have a child. That's going to be reciprocated. They aren't part of my life & aren't going to be. That's my decision & I stand by it. I am going to move forward & cultivate new friendships. They have lived rent free in my head & that isn't good. They have affected my mental state & that isn't good.

Losing friends doesn't make me a loser. I am making new friends. I can make new friends. I am not a weirdo.

My caffeine consumption coming down is really helping me feel less anxious. I need to change my life. I'm currently failing in some ways. I need to do better at work & I need to do better at home.

I've been saying this for a long time to no avail. In some ways I think I ought to relax. It's a long time coming & it has to be done at some point. That time is now.

People dumping their emotions on me takes a toll. That's because I'm powerless to do anything about it. In that sense, I get the stress & none of the autonomy to change anything. The serenity prayer is important & makes sense.

Hoping to improve day by day, I think it's about taking each day as it comes & fitting myself to it. Dealing with what's going on. I have to accept that mental health is something that needs working on & it's an every day battle. I cannot be complacent.

A-ha!

I keep thinking that I just have to try harder to get results, when this isn't reality. I need to find a system that works for me.

I go to recovery meetings & don't drink or gamble, that works for me. It really helps me manage that problem. I am currently doing a workout plan that is targeted at increasing the amount of weight that I can lift. If I was to just go in & lift as heavy as I could as frequently as possible I would burn out quickly.

I am currently bullet journalling & trying out the 1-2-3-4 system. It seems pretty good. Getting on the path requires discipline, not hulk-smashing my way through. That isn't going to work & it's what I'm trying to do. I tried using the pomodoro technique & it hasn't really been effective. It's about a process of elimination I guess.

I think very lowly of myself & I'm tense all of the time. That needs to change by getting a system in place what works.

I guess this is technically day 1 of my recovery.

I haven't drank or gambled in a long time, I have been abstinent, but not in recovery. There's a huge distinction.

This is moving forward from ADHD & using techniques to manage it. It's not maladaptively daydreaming my life away. It's being more positive, communicating better.

I was listening to a podcast yesterday, the guest was of all people, the Fyre fest guy.

It hit me it's really stressful running a small business. It's okay to be stressed out about it. It can be really hard & take a toll on mental health. I think I haven't been coping with the stress or rising to the challenge of running a small business. I need to have in my mind that it's temporary. The goal is to build it & sell it.

Running a business has amplified all of the other problems in my life. I did have a traumatic childhood, I most likely do have ADHD, but a lot of my current problems are situational. If the business wasn't in debt & things were going better I would be in a much better place. It's a huge problem & one I need to change quickly.

I speak about past problems a lot, but their isn't a lot of practical change in terms of my current situation. How am I going to get the business out of trouble? How am I going to assert boundaries with clients, family, friends & my wife? These are the real questions that need answering to move forward. Having a better understanding of my past is great, but it does nothing to change the present.

It's a tough road ahead, but I feel ready for it.

It strikes me that I need to get obsessed with my business & move it forward. That will solve most of my current problems & help me delve in to past problems, I cannot afford therapy or a private ADHD diagnosis. Sort the business out & I can do that. I've been journalling for 5 years & my life hasn't changed. In a lot of ways it's worse.

I'm going to limit my journalling to once a week on a Friday afternoon where possible. I am going to spend the rest of my time working hard to improve my business.

With that, it's time to say goodbye to the past. It's time to move on from the pain of being bullied & going through abuse. It's time to internalize it & use it as fuel to move forwards in my life.

I conclude that life is worth living. Being stuck in limbo is horrible. I cannot change what has happened. It has happened. I made mistakes. I wish I hadn't stayed in bed terrified of death when I could have done something about it. I fell asleep not knowing if I was going to wake up. I struggle to forgive myself for that. I hate that I've wasted the past decade in a haze of social media, addiction & chaos. I need to do & be better for my wife & daughter. I need to change. I will change. It's time to say goodbye to my old way of being & forge a new one. No more seeking answers in the past. Focusing on the now & driving my life forward. I have a plan & it makes sense. I've wrote thousands of words about the past. It hasn't worked. It's time to change & let go. This is like heading into the GA room for the first time. I need to accept that the past is done & I can't change it, no matter how much I would like to. It's part of me & I have to own it, but I cannot change it. Spending a decade depressed & struggling is embarassing in some ways.

Love & prosperity to all!

Being black & white about posting entries once a week probably doesn't help. It's important to speak up if I need to. I think the point is that my journal should be more grounded in the present, rather than the past.

After this weekend I can see the neglect from my Dad. He was willing to do leave my Gran without heat this weekend. That caused me to stay there for hours to figure things out, and in turn mess up my weekend. It is irresponsible to leave someone without heat in the winter. It made me feel sad. There have been many times where I was neglected & it's tough to deal with.

I think it drives me to move forward in life. To prove my Dad wrong. To show I'm not just an idiot who can't do anything.

My assertiveness does need to improve. I know that. I think it isn't great because the people around me have been hypersensitive & my reaction is to shut down.

Looking forward to a good week. I have aims & goals that seem big but are good.

My car got broken into last night. They took a couple of things, which can't really be replaced through insurance. Stupid mistake by me. I always check the car, but I didn't last night.

I circle back around to my Dads narcissistic behaviors, which I think he is clueless about. They have had a large impact on me over the years. I see this now. There is a lack of empathy in dealing with him. I've been pretty ill, but I know there is no care from him at all.

I think the goal has to be to build this company & move on. I think that's the goal. As a minimum I need to be independent within this company.