PTSD Diary

I think it's okay to be anxious & I've felt as though it's not. No shock there. Feelings are not encouraged in my family.

What harms me is not working or getting stuff, which leads to me getting behind on my bills.

Changing how I feel won't change my life. Changing what I do will. On some level, anxiety/ stress is good. It's normal as well. Especially considering my current situation.

Little follow up message to this.

I think it's important for me to use anxiety to my advantage & try to make it my friend, rather than my enemy. A few years ago, I could never have dreamed of chairing a recovery meeting, now I do it with little anxiety. I should have a bit because it's important to pay attention.

I can take this approach to other areas of my life as well. Things can change & I can do it. I've been trying to kill anxiety for such a long time. That just forces it to the forefront.

I have to push myself, because the things I'm not doing aren't normal. I need to be able to work & run my business properly. ADHD is one issue, social anxiety is another.

Tough day yesterday. My wife is frustrated with me because of things I haven't done. I don't disagree with her, there is a lot of stuff I should have done & haven't been able to do. I seem to freeze up & I'm not sure why. I feel like I do a lot, but there are some things that I really struggle with.

It hurts, because I really am trying & there isn't ill intent behind me not doing things. I forget or am anxious. I just need to do better.

I think I need to make enough money to pay for a private ADHD assessment. If I can get diagnosed & get treatment, I think it'll be a huge help.

Hard but important conversations today. My life is tough & I don't see that changing for quite a while. I have to change my business & make money, my business isn't making money because of my mental health.

The truth is that I have to help myself. We don't have a big support network, if much at all.

Time to dig deep & fight it out.

ADHD is winning at the minute. It's tough, & I need to change somehow, but I'm not sure how I do that.

I guess acceptance is part of it.

Starting to use the bullet journal method to help with ADHD. I have a long wait ahead to get treatment on the NHS & I don't want to pressure myself into earning enough to pay privately.

Using pomofocus as well & my headphones. Things are tough & I really dislike myself in a lot of ways.

I need to be more assertive. It's a huge factor in my current woes.

Hoping to really make a change.

Determined to have a good week. It's been a good start, made a good chunk of money & that makes me feel good. It's not nice to be broke. Sorted out a couple of debts this weekend & I need to keep it going.

I think I currently have PTSD & ADHD. Feeling low & depressed comes as a byproduct of that, in my opinion.

PTSD is thinking that everything is life & death, I took. my daughter out yesterday & my thought process was, "As long as no-ones gonna get hurt, it's fine." The life & death mindset permeated my life because at a time, it really was life & death. On a non-traumatic level, I was mocked a lot as a child & could never do anything right. Not from my Moms perspective, mainly from my Dad. I wasn't aloud to cook & was berated if I got something wrong. Even if I took the initiative, any flaws were picked apart.

ADHD is the lack of focus. It's starting something then my mind drifting off. It's freezing up. It's the lack of motivation to do day to day tasks that need doing. It's not doing things that are in my benefit & are easy to do.

I am going to focus on myself more. If I don't do it, no-one will. Of course, there needs to be balance. That goes without saying.

I've started using a bullet journal, which seems to be helping. I am starting to be more social, which also helps. I am starting to get in my own way in positive ways. I'm also accepting that I don't work in conventional ways a lot of the time.

I am not in a good place. I feel constantly irritable & annoyed with myself. I'm sick of my brain.

Sick of forgetting stuff & feeling like a doormat.

Anyway, going to give up caffeine, or at least, go back to a small amount. A cup of tea has approx 15mg. The drinks I'm having have 180mg. I love pomegranate tea as well. I think that's a source of irritability. I've been having high caffeine drinks to help me focus & I don't think they do. I don't get a kick from them & I wind up being irritable.

I also feel really rushed & it's not good. I feel like I have so much to do & very little time to do it, which isn't really true, but a lack of focus makes me feel that way.

Need to start meditating as well. Think I need to come off social media for a little while as well. I see my old friends on there & it winds me up. I spend a lot of time on it & it's wasted. I'm just seeing a lot of things that annoy me. I don't really see what I did wrong to my old friends, yet I get completed ignored & it's frustrating. There is a time element as well. I definitely spend too much time on social media. That ties into my old friends because I see them on there. It's my only exposure to them.

I feel for getting this out. There are several actionable things I can do that will have an impact this week. If I quit caffeine, minimize social media & meditate every day, I've deleted the *** & *** apps now.

I will be in a better place by Friday this week. Some things have to be actionable. If I don't go on them this week, I probably have an extra 10 hours.

Feeling a lot better today. Not as productive as I would like, but a lot better. I don't feel terrible & I'm much less irritable.

I guess this part of my life is about improving it & moving forward. I need to do it for my own sanity.

Thanks to whoever upvoted my posts. It's really appreciated.

Feeling a lot better today. Not as productive as I would like, but a lot better. I don't feel terrible & I'm much less irritable.

I guess this part of my life is about improving it & moving forward. I need to do it for my own sanity.

Thanks to whoever upvoted my posts. It's really appreciated.