PTSD Diary

Feeling really anxious today. Got to sort out finances & they are a mess as a result of me not working properly. It's devastating & something I really need to sort out.

I'm doing work now & I feel really anxious. I know I will feel better for getting it done, but that doesn't change the fact I really struggle to do it.

Working properly & earning more money would solve most of the practical problems in my life at the minute.

I actually think that would resolve a good chunk of the depressive type symptoms that I currently suffer from.

I had social anxiety issues when I was younger, I resolved a lot of them, but I currently suffer with it & it affects my work. I don't chase up payments because I'm anxious about it. I have improved quite a lot, but it needs to change. I think the main I'm going to do this is by exposure therapy. I'm just going to put myself out there, consistently & I think it will get better.

I don't really struggle to function on a basic level. I get up, go to the gym, brush my teeth & get to my desk in good time. It's when I'm at my desk that I struggle. I am having a much better day today, but I feel worse. I need to get past the anxiety because it stops me from doing my job on a basic level. I get anxious about tasks that I would have to do in most jobs.

I work for myself & it's lonely at times. I need to make more friends. I lost a lot over the years as I didn't stand up for myself. I put myself in a situation wherr I didn't do much wrong but ended up losing out.

Yesterday was a good day. I did what I set out to do for the first time in a long time. I also made a plan to pay off my debts & that really helps. I have a goal to strive for. We booked a family holiday as well.

Read a post on the main feed about existential perfectionism. It resonated with me & more so, it reminded me of my Dad. I've fell into that trap quite a bit as well. Thought that things should be different than they are, rather than accepting reality.

I feel good today & I need to remember what got me here. No yo-yoing. I get in a good place & then relax, ending up back in a bad place.

I don't really have too much more to add at the minute. I think that's good. Getting up early & hitting the gym is important. It's important for me to remember these things.

I think it's good for me to be quite black & white. I am cutting out snacks & soda. If I have snacks, it will lead to soda, so it's best for me to not have any of it. It's the right thing to do. It will probably help me feel less anxious.

Getting things out here helps as well.

Today's a little bit tougher. Spoke to a friend for nearly an hour & had to drive my wife & daughter around. It's mainly good stuff, but it's also a bit of a distraction. It's good that I have my pointers to stay on track. I am determined to do this today & I can still get it done. It's about feedback & improvement. Social contact seems to distract me, but I crave social contact because I work by myself.

I got everything done yesterday. I am learning each day. I was doing stuff until 9:30pm, which isn't that ideal, but I will take that onboard.

I seem to operate best when there's no slack.

A lot of stuff seems to be fading into the background because I'm dealing with my own stuff. I'm not thinking of my Dad as much & I'm not obsessing about stuff.

That's good. I do have a lot to sort out & some of it is really tough, but it's necessary to move forward.

Doing small & consistent things seems to be better than doing large things inconsistently. It's tempting to do more, but sometimes that isn't the right option.

I am communicating with my Dad less, which does help. The communication we have is much more relevant & not obsessive about his issues. This really helps.

Day 3 & it's my biggest challenge yet. I'm actively being pushed away from my work & it's stressing me out. I'm doing really well & it's frustrating. It's definitely been an issue over the years with a variety of people.

I feel angry, but when it comes to expressing myself, I tend to shut down. I have got most of the things done on my to-do, I just find it really annoying.

I need to set boundaries, tomorrow will be different.

My emotional dysregulation cost me yesterday. I didn't complete all of my streaks & it was as a direct result of me not controlling my emotions. I didn't shout at anyone, it was when I was by myself.

Some things are eating away at me a little bit & I need to accept them & move on. It feels unfair. The good thing is that I'm getting more social interaction now. For a long time, it was really limited & it was a problem.

The good thing is that I can acknowledge the problem now. In the past I would stay angry for days & it would spiral out of control.

I am going to adapt & have a better day today. I need to show more emotional control.

I have also decided what I want to do. I love coding & I'm going to pursue that within my own business. Part of my job is sales. I don't want to do outbound cold calling, so I've made the decision to not do it. I will market, send emails & network, but I'm not cold calling. I think it's outdated & it doesn't suit me.

I am building a product that can be sold online. I like working on my laptop & the ability to work from anywhere most of the time. I've never really decided what I want to do & I've not looked at what suits me.

I've felt as though I should be able to do anything I put my mind to & I think it's probably another example of existential perfectionism. It just isn't true. Some things are going to suit me & some aren't. I can't just force myself to do things & expect it work.

So much of this comes down to a lack of boundaries/ assertiveness. I'm only now realizing how deep it goes.

It's affected my life so much, it's unbelievable. Lost friendships & so on. It really needs to change & underpins a lot of my issues. From my marriage, to my Dad, to my friends, to work. It's apparent in everything. There are other things to change, there's no doubt about that, but this is the big one!

Feeling better today.

I need to not let things bother me so much. It's easy for me to get dysregulated & it doesn't help. Not at all, the only person I'm hurting is me.

It could be part of ADHD or PTSD.

Fell off the path a little this weekend. Ate a lot of rubbish etc. Did manage to relax, which I need to do from time to time.

My Dad came round & triggered me a little. I feel okay enough about it now though.

Tweaking my targets to be more focused around goals, rather than arbitrary things that don't change anything.

I get one life, it seems a shame to waste it being caught in limbo. Had to remove this sentence as well. I get it, but the point is I've felt numb & void of purpose for a while.

I just have to focus on getting better. The labels don't matter, what matters is improving & living life.

I had a paragraph typed out that I'm getting a warning message on. The moral of the story is that life is a gift.