PTSD Diary

I decided to send a message, followed by a phone call.... It tough, but I will get there, my heart is pounding but I feel relieved that I've been honest, it's a chance to move forward now.

So I had the conversation & it went really well.

I got a lot off my chest & feel better for it.

I'm realizing that the main thing I need to do is stand up for myself more.

Traditional therapy isn't for me. I hate the whole process of them finding out what your issue is. I spent $1000 on this process last year to be told I have PTSD, which shouldn't have taken that long, it's pretty obvious.

I've been honest with my Dad & to be honest, I feel as though I can now draw a line in the sand. The boundary is set. He messed up, he knows that & it's now the reality.

Next up is my girlfriend. I get wound up because I feel as though I'm having the mick taken out of me, which I am. Things need to change & honesty is the only way.

It can be tough to be honest with yourself, but it's a must!

I've done enough talking.

Its time for me to move on with my life.

Action is the key thing I need to do to move forward.

1000's of posts on here & other places online & truthfully, nothing magical has happened.

I made more progress having 1 honest conversation with my Dad than I have in over 10 years of trying to do it myself.

I know what I want, but I haven't took dramatic action towards achieving my goals. That's why I don't have what I want.

I moan a lot, but truthfully I haven't really tried. I value my Dad & my girlfriend enough to try to repair the relationship. I'm going to accept others & maintain my boundaries.

I have been low on energy because of how I feel about what I'm doing. That's going to change. I want passion in my life. I want to believe in myself again, I can do it & I will!

I am exhausting myself with semantics, rather than taking the actions that change everything. I am finding myself & my likes/dislikes.

I hate a lot of what went on, but I didn't take action. When I do this in my adult life, it is painful. It is the biggest trigger for my symptoms.

So from this moment on, action will be my middle name. I will DO things, not sit back & let life happen to me. I will busy myself with what i want, so I will be posting less frequently here. I am determined to make rapid progress & help others who are in pain.

I feel relaxed today!

Meditation, especially when going to sleep, is important for me. It really helps me manage my symptoms.

I am also devising a plan to get into the right state when I get up.

I am beginning to move in the right direction in terms of work. I am not working hard enough, but I am starting to take action. I feel ready to move forward.

I went to my Grandparents this morning & didn't feel wound up or disassociate after it. The conversation we had was light & I guided it. I am realizing that 90% of life is how I react to what happens.

This week I have a call with a life coach & I am moving forward in terms of my work targets. I am going to continue at the gym & eat better!

I am taking things one day at a time. I am 6 months in to recovering from 10 years of madness. I have actually achieved quite a lot & want to continue with more!

I feel good right now.

It is however coming up to 2 weeks without a 12 step meeting & this is something I need to be careful of. I cannot go to meetings when I feel down & miss them when I feel good.

Life still has its tough aspects, but I am seeing them differently at the minute. My Dad was in a mood yesterday & tried to take it out on me.

I am hitting the gym HARD & need to apply this same discipline to my work! I am getting better & making more progress each week. I can be guilty of wanting to go 1,000,000 miles per hour & I think I just need to see progress as progress.

I need to improve with my results at work, go to my 12 step meetings more frequently & meditate consistently. I can sort this out by being a lot more organized, I'll acheive this by having a diary that I stick to religously for personal & work events.

I am happy with how I'm doing in the gym & whilst I need to improve my results at work, I am far ahead of where I was 6 months ago. We are on track to have our best year & actually start making profit now, which is fantastic.

I am relaxing a lot more & have more energy. I still have bad days, but these are now a couple of times a week, where they used to be every day.

Confronting my issues has been the catalyst for where I am now. I decided I wasn't putting up with the bullshit anymore & had to change my life!

I am still struggling with productivity.

My life is getting better. I am starting to see things more for myself, rather than a joint effort between me & my Dad. Meditation is becoming more consistent & the gym is great. I'm actually going to start a fitness blog.

I am being more positive day in day out, I just need to work harder & don't really feel as though I have that in me right now.

I can look at why that is, or I can move forward with everything I say that I want. Maybe I haven't believed I can achieve what I want.

I need to engage in pointless debate a lot less. It takes me a while to recover from it!

Infact, that last post was a blatant lie to myself & you guys.

I am emotionally exhausted again.

We got our tax bill yesterday & my Dad had a meltdown. It caused me to have an emotional flashback that has rendered me useless today.

I've finally read the first 2 chapters of Pete Walkers book & it is enlightening. So far I have learned that I fit the 'fawn' response perfectly & my problems didn't necessarily start when my Mom died.

My Mom was severely disabled & this had an impact on my childhood in some way! I cannot remember much of my life up until her death. The main things I do remember are playing sports.

I remember being forced into being friends with people & spending time in hospital. I do also remember love & laughing, but I feel as though there is something there!

Maybe I can't remember a lot because it's painful or I've blocked it out. Maybe I felt as though I came second & learned how to be good & just play with my toys to not be in the way.

I remember being forced into being friends with the boy who lived behind us. He had his own issues & I can't say we were particularly nice to each other.

I remember him threatening to commit suicide when I was about 10-12. He had a skipping rope & was threatening to hang himself. Me & my friend came away & I told my Dad straight away. He didn't commit suicide thankfully, but I can't remember what happened after that.

I remember some older kids came and kicked our ball over a fence. It smashed a window & an old lady came & gave us hell. I think it was my birthday. My memory briefly tells me she died shortly after that & I remember feeling guilty.

I remember being threatened by a rough girl & crying on the school field.

I remember being chased by older goth kids & being hung on a fence.

I remember being beat up at karate by an older, when we weren't meant to be fighting.

I remember being punched every day on the playground for a while & only my Dad believed me & sorted it out. Some of these kids were my 'friends' as well!

I remember also being a bully sometimes as well. I remember shouting profanaties at a girl with her Dad. I remember jokingly play fighting with people in school. I remember being nasty to the kid behind where I lived. Nowhere near what I experienced, but I still acted inappropraitely.

I never had the intent to hurt anyone, but I'm sure I probably have.

I come from a family where emotions are shunned & there is only one left-wing way of thinking. I was constantly told that making money is abhorrent, yet I am an entrepeneur now.

I really struggle to be honest with my partner, I feel as though she wouldn't understand. I know this is wrong & she would, but I just can't get my head round it!

I've certainly been in perpetual emotional flashbacks for the past 8-10 years. I'm not suicidal, but I had had very passive suicidal thoughts. I have fantasized about getting hurt in the past & recovering from it! It's good to put this down. I've never expressed these thoughts.

I go missing for months at a time. By missing I mean into emotional flashbacks. I have intense social anxiety & my self esteem is shot.

I have had confidence in the past, but not self esteem. That's probably what led me into my bad relationship from 2010-2012.

I want to go back & rewrite the past. I feel shame for some of my own actions when in reality I am blowing them out of proportion. I am hypervigilant with my image & see things in an all or nothing manner.

I am hyper critical in situations with my Dad. I can't help but think that I should have dealt with the situation differently. I do wonder whether us working together is the right fit for me.

I think I'm writing this to get a bit more self awareness. I'm at a point in my life where I need to manage my symptom & reduce them.

I am just getting used to the term 'Emotional flashback'. I feel as though my life has been one big flashback for a very long time. I think I've spent more time in a flashback than not! That's certainly something for me to work on.

More of this is to come. I have to head out!

It actually feels good to get a lot off my chest.

I honestly believe I've been living in a low-grade flashback for the better part of 10 years.

Pete Walkers book is a revelation. It's obvious to me now that the first thing I need to do is treat my cPTSD on a consistent basis.

Memories are coming flooding back from my youth & it's painful. This year I've actually lived well for a period of time, or have !? I am moving forward with my life. I need to take the plunge in business & get my own. It's a crucial step. It's not as simple as walking away from the business I'm in currently right now. It is however, a critical part of my recovery.

I remember fancying girls in high school & getting crushed repeatedly. These girls are still in my life in some capacity which is ironic!

I remember nearly getting in a mass brawl in school becuase someone called me names & I stood up for myself.

I remember being on a TV show becuase of my situation.

I remember lying about several things to improve my image!

My girlfriend is good friends with one of the girls & another lives on our street. She doesn't know about it even though I know she wouldn't be bothered. I find it tough sometimes because I feel I'm being dishonest even though nothing happened & it was just a silly high school crush.

Sickening things have happened in my life & I've done some stupid stuff.

I need to throw myself into recovery & get myself better. I know I can do it!

I am reading Pete Walkers book 'From surviving to thriving' & it's great. I actually have a mixture of emotions about the book, because up till now, I have viewed flashbacks as something that can be cured. Having read the book I understand this isn't the case. I get that they can be managed through a lot of recovery work but I can't say that I didn't find it a very sobering reality.

I 100% fit the 'fawn' type & have been in a low grade flashback for a long time. I suffer from a chronic lack of self esteem & turn to negative coping mechanisms to manage my flashbacks.

Having read the book so far, I'm not sure how I feel about what happened in my childhood. I can't say I believe that my Dad necessarily had bad intentions, but bad things happened & it wasn't right. The way it was dealt with was poor & it was rationalized through 'grief'.

I am realizing my childhood wasn't perfect before my Mom died. With her illness, there was always something more pressing than simply enjoying life.

I was forced into friendships that were bad & made to put my feelings to one side.

I was bullied & no-one aside from my Dad listened, which is ironic.

I changed myself & still felt bad because I didn't deal with the underlying issues. So much focus was put on 'grief' that I forgot about the other bad stuff!

I get bad social anxiety if I'm not out a lot, which is something I need to work on, as that brings on flashbacks!

I'm like a dancer right now who is learning the steps I need to know to hold my own. I'm a beginner right now, but I will become a professional dancer :)

This weekend has been eventful.

I had an argument with my girlfriend, but things actually turned out better.

I was determined not to freak out & for the most part, I didn't.

We both want each other to do more around the house & the only way we are going to do that is as a team. Things got a bit heated, but were kept respectful. I really do think it was needed to progress.

It's 14 years since my Mom died this week & I always feel as though it's a new start.

I plague myself with the same problems & make them bigger than they need to be.

The business is changing & I'm please with that. In the present moment, I am starting to feel pretty happy & make more progress each week.

I don't really hear from annoying friends at the minute, which is a huge plus!

I haven't read a lot this weekend, but I will this week. I understand now how important it is to make it to my 12 step meetings & also to get to the gym & meditate.

I am going out with friends for the first time in a long time this weekend. I feel pressure to drink, but ultimately I don't want to! It's tempting to book a 10k race to get an excuse. I know that it isn't a long term solution, I'm just not sure if I'm ready to tell my friends my story.

I am happy that I'm doing the work in the background now & it's what has been needed for a long time. My Dad also believe he suffers with cPTSD & he probably does.

I am concluding that I am not the co-dependent one, my Dad is & because I've been the 'fawn' type, I've gone along with that.

I want my independence & I think that might be quite tough to get, as my Dad views everything as 'us'.

I'm beginning to accept the people in my life for what they are. My Grandparents are so ignorant of mental health issues, its actually astounding! They are so ignorant of many things.

I am terrified of home invasion because we got burgled & they came in through my room. That in itself isn't the end of the world, but it was never discussed.

When I was bullied, it got resolved because I learnt how to defend myself. I've done a wide variety of martial arts to a pretty high level.

I'm watching Dear White People on Netflix right now & it's great.

For now, that's it! I'm happy today :)