PTSD Diary

Getting closure & moving forward.

Yesterday I bumped into a friend from what I now like to call 'My previous life'. I have struggled for a long time with losing these friends. I was filling up with gas & saw my friend in the queue. We had a 5 minute chat & it has really helped give me closure.

I need to work on being more consistent at work. I need to be up early & progressing the business. It is the number one thing I need to change right now.

It feels great to finally have some direction in my life. I know what I want to do & roughly how I'm going to get there.

Me & my Dad are moving forward and that feels good. I am wary of a meltdown at some point, but I do believe he has seen the light.

I still have frustrations, mainly around me doing what I see as too much for other people. I do a lot for my Dad & Girlfriend which gets me down. I need to figure out if I'm being selfish or I'm actually doing too much & if so, change it!

I am realizing that I haven't moved away from my old life & that is the main thing that will help me. When I have tried I have given up.

I am going to work on self-imposed limitations & press forward!

I want to be writing on this diary with legimate progress that isn't 'I've been to the gym this week.'

Ciao for now :)

I feel thoughtful today.

I am changing what I do & don't care about. I am focussing on what I do care about & channelling my efforts into it!

I have always felt as though I haven't had the time to grieve & move on. I spend time alone worked up to the top to avoid my feeliings & blame other people for the way I feel. It's all to protect myself.

I look at a lot of the things people say & it is predominantly self-preservations & avoidance of the truth.

My truth is that I lost my Mom, had 2 lots of being bullied & my Dad was in terrible relationships when I was younger. These things weren't dealt with healthily by me or the people around me & it left me with scars. My lack of performance at work & my stupid behavior probably originates from the way I dealt with all of the above.

I forced my way through the bullying when I was younger to become popular in high school & it took a lot.

I have decided to come off social media for the meantime. Now I am not participating in football this year, I have no reason to be on it. I have had ten years of overusing social media & I want a break from it all.

I will still use social media for work purposes, but for now I've had enough.

I am not going to be pushed around anymore!

100th Post.

I feel reflective today on the 100 posts I've made since I started this thread. I believe I am finally making progress & feel much better in myself.

I am working on self acceptance & love, rather than constantly putting myself down. I have accepted that my problems are mental & I have a lot of work to do.

I have up days & down days, I feel great today, but felt crappy on Tuesday. The 2 crucials areas for me to work on are my self esteem & performance at work.

My relationship with my Dad has improved a lot lately & I believe we are making progress. This progress is very new, but I do feel good about it. I feel as though my Dad has less potential to ruin my day now.

Being in 12 step rooms helps a lot, it gives me a sense of belonging. We all communicate outside of the rooms as well which is great. I feel as though I will make some good friends.

I want to improve my social life outside of the rooms over the next few months. If I get on the course I want to do, it will help as well joining a running club & going to the buddhist centre. I definitely can be more social with work as well.

I view my childhood as 2 distinct parts. The first part is before trauma up until age 12 & the second part being after that. I am trying to let things go, be compassionate & see the positives from the trauma.

My relationship may frustrate me on some levels, but because of what I've been through, I have a zero tolerance policy for abuse. I could have easily embarked on abusive relationships myself. It is improving slowly & I can accept that my weak behavior has led me to where I am in all areas of my life.

My business is in an OK position, but it could be better & I will make this happen. It is my number one priority this year, followed by improving my health & fitness.

I have been a lot more consistent this year in a lot of ways & the business is probably further down the line than I give myself credit for. I have improved socially & consistently made it to 12 step meetings. I am aware of where I need to improve & I am trying not to be obsessive about self improvement.

I feel pretty down today.

I have realized I will not be fit enough to complete the half marathon. It is completely on me, I haven't trained enough. There is one in October though so I'm going to do that.

I am pretty sick of feeling miserable a lot of the time. I know I am not fantastic company right now & I know I'm not fulfilling my potential.

I am sick of social media, I see reminders from people I don't want in my life, yet I lack the conviction to delete them. I also see things that I missing out on & it makes me feel bad!

I felt better last week when I deleted the apps, so I think I just need to do it. The thing that frustrates me is that I know that social media is a facade & life isn't like that, but it still gets to me.

My ex-girlfriend has had a baby & I've thought about that a bit. I have zero feelings for her & I don't want kids yet. If a kid came along, I would be over the moon, but for now it can wait.

Well I'm lying when I say I have zero feelings for her. I have an overall dislike for that period in my life, her included. I went out with someone who was far beneath me on a lot of levels.

My frustration is that I consistently stoop to a level below what I'm capable of. I do this consistently in all areas of my life.

Now I'm not involved in any group on there, I have no reason to be on social media aside from work purposes. (I manage our social media accounts.)

I had a conversation with my girlfriend about moving away & she didn't seem keen on it for the first time. It is a life goal of mine & it will not change no matter what.

My gut feeling tells me that she is low on confidence right now & feels as though she wouldn't cope moving abroad with me. She knows it is something I want & for the first time we are at a crossroads in our relationship. I want one thing & she isn't sure.

I am terrified of living in a small town all of my life, it isn't for me. I'm nearly 26 & the time is now. I am suffering from a chronic lack of motivation & that needs to be addressed.

I went through a similar period from 12-15 & I got through it, so I know I can do it again!

I need to put one foot in front of the other & progress, even if it scares me!

Today is a new beginning.

I am beginning a new recovery.

i have abstained from the negative aspect of my life but not moved forward.

today I begin to move.

I have been an idiot in the past, but no more.

i am going to do the steps & be open about my issues! No more pity party for me.

Yesterday was a short post & I'm going to put more meat on the bones today.

I have been living a lie. No-one in my life aside from my Dad knows or even has a clue about the depths of my issues.

I need to accept myself & be comfortable in my own skin. Part of that is showing myself to the world both good & bad. I'm not going to go & shout from the rooftops that I am an addict & have suffered with PTSD, but I am going to tell my friends & family about my struggles on some level.

The longer I am ashamed of the things I did & how I've felt, the longer I keep hold of it.

I'm not looking for acceptance, I'm just looking for closure.

Showing emotions is something that is frowned upon in my family. When my Mom died, I accepted that I would come second to other peoples emotions & was too understanding of other people. If I was on a plane I would have put on everyone elses oxygen mask to leave myself to perish.

I can't change what has gone on, but I can make my perception of reality very clear. Between 12-16 I was let down severely by everyone around me. I wasn't perfect, but I put myself second & that wasn't good enough.

Monday was a turning point for me, I went to the cemetry feeling really low again & concluded I need to accept myself rather trying to fight everything.

I need to burn the bridges to my old life & not look back. I know what I want & I know I have the tools to get myself there.

Summer 18 is going to be good, I'm determined to make it that way. I'm logging out of social media for the next 90 days at a minimum & going to focus on my work, fitness & mental health. I am going to do a half marathon in October & start training properly now.

Finally, some good! :)

I've finally deactivated social media. I'm not viewing it as a permanent thing, I'm going to do 90 days & see if I feel better. I didn't have the apps on my phone last night & I felt better for it.

I've stopped sharing my mobile number at work & that will help me actually leave the office when I go home.

My Dad views his work as the utmost priority for the business & uses me as an emotional punchbag because he doesn't like it. I have not had the strength to push for what I do in the business, which is changing today. My feeling is that I've let this happen. I got overly emotional & fell into manipulative traps. I put my Dads feelings & wishes before my own, which isn't good enough from my point of view.

I need to improve with work & it begins with me believing in myself & not settling for mediocrity. I know that what I do is the key for the long term success of the business & my priority. I am organized & on top of my work now.

Today I am going to prioritize my own work & finish on time without feeling bad for doing so. I am going to progress my side of the business & lift the veil of importance that my Dad has.

I have accepted being submissive in a lot of my relationships, which to be truthful, I'm not happy with. I have not functioned properly since my Mom died & thats going to change.

I'm off social media. I'm not drinking. I'm not gambling.

I've not had all 3 of them together since I was 12.

I'm not running anymore & I'm ready for the fight. I'm ready to fight for what I want & get the respect that is owed to me.

Today has been a good/bad day so far!

I woke up feeling really low this morning & struggled to pull myself out of it!

Full honesty time right now..

I have been in denial about whether or not I've suffered with PTSD. Because my trauma has never been acknowledged or spoken about I've felt as though it hasn't been real.

Equally, my symptoms do not fully fit PTSD, but having looked on mind today, they fit complex-PTSD perfectly! It's like describing me. I suffer horrendous emotional flasbacks & feel hostile towards the world.

Over the past 6 months, I have managed the symptoms, but not dealt with the root issues relating to my situation. going to GA & the Buddhist centre is great to manage the flashbacks & other symptoms of PTSD, but doesn't begin to address the actual issue. That's why I can go along ok for a while and then be as low as I have been.

I need a sense of identity. I need progress in my relationship with my Dad, which to me, is the root cause of all this! He put me in a plethora of situations that weren't right & I need him to accept that & be acknoweldged & build a healthy relationship moving forward. I will walk away from the relationship completely should this not happen. This is the first step on my route to recovery.

I've ordered a tonne of books & am going to get back in therapy in the long run, as well as getting back track with the things that help to manage my symptoms.

I feel better today.

Yesterday was not good but it needed to happen to enable me to grow.

I slept much better because I meditated before going to sleep. I believe sleep is an issue for me because a lot of arguments went on at night, so I had to disassociate to go to sleep!

I am going to commit to the therapy process. I am trying the therapy out on here & will see how it goes. I got burned last time really. I paid over $1000 for therapy to be told I have PTSD. To be honest I think that should have been apparent after a couple of sessions.

When I read my diary, it now seems obvious & it seems bizarre that I've fought against suffering from it. I've thought that I've been making up how I feel, that I'm too soft & am going crazy.

My Grandparents saw what was going on & they didn't even say anything!

I can be very all or nothing & try to build Rome in a day. It doesn't work that way. I've been trying to sprint a marathon.

I've had lengthy discussions with my girlfriend & we both believe it is important in the long run to confront my Dad in some way. I think this is a critical but petrifying part of the recovery process.

I also need to talk to my remaining close friends & family members to

I've ordered Pete Walkers books & am going to read them!

The trauma probably warps my view of my childhood, but I'm not sure.

I know a bit about CBT & I'm sick of doing the basics. I can accept CBT on a logical level, but emotionally I struggle.

I set lofty goals to put on a good social front & look as if I have everything figured out when in reality all I am is a scared child who hasn't got past losing his Mum & struggles with the aftermath of it all.

I need to accept that I am building myself up from the bottom. I have few friends, I'm not sure if its my fault, but all I know is that I'm alone.

I need to accept that I am suffering from a mental illness & that is my priority. I know if I make strides in recovering from this, my work will get better & my social life.

@wizeakre

I'll have a look, I feel the same really. I think it's very simple & works for some things & not others!

@wizeakre I've just done the first couple of steps of the ACT guide on here.

My gut feeling is that it will work. I do meditate & it does significantly reduce my symptoms. When I went to the buddhist centre & meditated for an hour, I felt the best that I have in a long time.

Having done a quick search, it makes sense that DBT would work for me as cPTSD can often be confused with BPD, even though it isn't. I look at the symptoms of BPD & they just don't fit at all.

I did the Myer-Briggs test & everything was very balanced. I do believe at heart I am a balanced person & the test I have is getting past these traumatic experiences!

Things are tough right now.

I know what I need to do, but that doesn't make it easy.

I need to hold my Dad accountable for the things that have gone on in the past.

I've been down for years & I've thought that's been because of the trauma. I've realized that the trauma is largely irrelevant, it's how I've related to the trauma.

Holding my Dad accountable for his role in the trauma is important to me because I need to move on from it & gain my self respect back.

This is the point in my recovery where I usually bail out & do something stupid like go for a bet or a bender! This time I am determined to take the other path & improve my life.

I can't say I haven't been tempted to have a bet today, but I have resisted the temptation.

My life overall is pretty good. I have a nice house, car, dogs & I've still not been happy!

How I relate to the trauma has permeated every relationship in my life, because I learnt not to stand up for myself & protect others. I don't stand up for myself & this causes issues. I didn't stand up for myself before the trauma, & it was probably a perfect storm a character traits & situations that led to me suffering with cPTSD.

The more I hit the gym & my testosterone levels go up, the less willing I become to tolerate bullshit.

I need to forgive myself for how I behaved & realise that everything isn't my fault.

Conversation with my Dad is going to happen imminently, I will post after it!

I decided to send a message, followed by a phone call.... It tough, but I will get there, my heart is pounding but I feel relieved that I've been honest, it's a chance to move forward now.

So I had the conversation & it went really well.

I got a lot off my chest & feel better for it.

I'm realizing that the main thing I need to do is stand up for myself more.

Traditional therapy isn't for me. I hate the whole process of them finding out what your issue is. I spent $1000 on this process last year to be told I have PTSD, which shouldn't have taken that long, it's pretty obvious.

I've been honest with my Dad & to be honest, I feel as though I can now draw a line in the sand. The boundary is set. He messed up, he knows that & it's now the reality.

Next up is my girlfriend. I get wound up because I feel as though I'm having the mick taken out of me, which I am. Things need to change & honesty is the only way.

It can be tough to be honest with yourself, but it's a must!

I've done enough talking.

Its time for me to move on with my life.

Action is the key thing I need to do to move forward.

1000's of posts on here & other places online & truthfully, nothing magical has happened.

I made more progress having 1 honest conversation with my Dad than I have in over 10 years of trying to do it myself.

I know what I want, but I haven't took dramatic action towards achieving my goals. That's why I don't have what I want.

I moan a lot, but truthfully I haven't really tried. I value my Dad & my girlfriend enough to try to repair the relationship. I'm going to accept others & maintain my boundaries.

I have been low on energy because of how I feel about what I'm doing. That's going to change. I want passion in my life. I want to believe in myself again, I can do it & I will!

I am exhausting myself with semantics, rather than taking the actions that change everything. I am finding myself & my likes/dislikes.

I hate a lot of what went on, but I didn't take action. When I do this in my adult life, it is painful. It is the biggest trigger for my symptoms.

So from this moment on, action will be my middle name. I will DO things, not sit back & let life happen to me. I will busy myself with what i want, so I will be posting less frequently here. I am determined to make rapid progress & help others who are in pain.

I feel relaxed today!

Meditation, especially when going to sleep, is important for me. It really helps me manage my symptoms.

I am also devising a plan to get into the right state when I get up.

I am beginning to move in the right direction in terms of work. I am not working hard enough, but I am starting to take action. I feel ready to move forward.

I went to my Grandparents this morning & didn't feel wound up or disassociate after it. The conversation we had was light & I guided it. I am realizing that 90% of life is how I react to what happens.

This week I have a call with a life coach & I am moving forward in terms of my work targets. I am going to continue at the gym & eat better!

I am taking things one day at a time. I am 6 months in to recovering from 10 years of madness. I have actually achieved quite a lot & want to continue with more!

I feel good right now.

It is however coming up to 2 weeks without a 12 step meeting & this is something I need to be careful of. I cannot go to meetings when I feel down & miss them when I feel good.

Life still has its tough aspects, but I am seeing them differently at the minute. My Dad was in a mood yesterday & tried to take it out on me.

I am hitting the gym HARD & need to apply this same discipline to my work! I am getting better & making more progress each week. I can be guilty of wanting to go 1,000,000 miles per hour & I think I just need to see progress as progress.

I need to improve with my results at work, go to my 12 step meetings more frequently & meditate consistently. I can sort this out by being a lot more organized, I'll acheive this by having a diary that I stick to religously for personal & work events.

I am happy with how I'm doing in the gym & whilst I need to improve my results at work, I am far ahead of where I was 6 months ago. We are on track to have our best year & actually start making profit now, which is fantastic.

I am relaxing a lot more & have more energy. I still have bad days, but these are now a couple of times a week, where they used to be every day.

Confronting my issues has been the catalyst for where I am now. I decided I wasn't putting up with the bullshit anymore & had to change my life!

I am still struggling with productivity.

My life is getting better. I am starting to see things more for myself, rather than a joint effort between me & my Dad. Meditation is becoming more consistent & the gym is great. I'm actually going to start a fitness blog.

I am being more positive day in day out, I just need to work harder & don't really feel as though I have that in me right now.

I can look at why that is, or I can move forward with everything I say that I want. Maybe I haven't believed I can achieve what I want.

I need to engage in pointless debate a lot less. It takes me a while to recover from it!

Infact, that last post was a blatant lie to myself & you guys.

I am emotionally exhausted again.

We got our tax bill yesterday & my Dad had a meltdown. It caused me to have an emotional flashback that has rendered me useless today.

I've finally read the first 2 chapters of Pete Walkers book & it is enlightening. So far I have learned that I fit the 'fawn' response perfectly & my problems didn't necessarily start when my Mom died.

My Mom was severely disabled & this had an impact on my childhood in some way! I cannot remember much of my life up until her death. The main things I do remember are playing sports.

I remember being forced into being friends with people & spending time in hospital. I do also remember love & laughing, but I feel as though there is something there!

Maybe I can't remember a lot because it's painful or I've blocked it out. Maybe I felt as though I came second & learned how to be good & just play with my toys to not be in the way.

I remember being forced into being friends with the boy who lived behind us. He had his own issues & I can't say we were particularly nice to each other.

I remember him threatening to commit suicide when I was about 10-12. He had a skipping rope & was threatening to hang himself. Me & my friend came away & I told my Dad straight away. He didn't commit suicide thankfully, but I can't remember what happened after that.

I remember some older kids came and kicked our ball over a fence. It smashed a window & an old lady came & gave us hell. I think it was my birthday. My memory briefly tells me she died shortly after that & I remember feeling guilty.

I remember being threatened by a rough girl & crying on the school field.

I remember being chased by older goth kids & being hung on a fence.

I remember being beat up at karate by an older, when we weren't meant to be fighting.

I remember being punched every day on the playground for a while & only my Dad believed me & sorted it out. Some of these kids were my 'friends' as well!

I remember also being a bully sometimes as well. I remember shouting profanaties at a girl with her Dad. I remember jokingly play fighting with people in school. I remember being nasty to the kid behind where I lived. Nowhere near what I experienced, but I still acted inappropraitely.

I never had the intent to hurt anyone, but I'm sure I probably have.

I come from a family where emotions are shunned & there is only one left-wing way of thinking. I was constantly told that making money is abhorrent, yet I am an entrepeneur now.

I really struggle to be honest with my partner, I feel as though she wouldn't understand. I know this is wrong & she would, but I just can't get my head round it!

I've certainly been in perpetual emotional flashbacks for the past 8-10 years. I'm not suicidal, but I had had very passive suicidal thoughts. I have fantasized about getting hurt in the past & recovering from it! It's good to put this down. I've never expressed these thoughts.

I go missing for months at a time. By missing I mean into emotional flashbacks. I have intense social anxiety & my self esteem is shot.

I have had confidence in the past, but not self esteem. That's probably what led me into my bad relationship from 2010-2012.

I want to go back & rewrite the past. I feel shame for some of my own actions when in reality I am blowing them out of proportion. I am hypervigilant with my image & see things in an all or nothing manner.

I am hyper critical in situations with my Dad. I can't help but think that I should have dealt with the situation differently. I do wonder whether us working together is the right fit for me.

I think I'm writing this to get a bit more self awareness. I'm at a point in my life where I need to manage my symptom & reduce them.

I am just getting used to the term 'Emotional flashback'. I feel as though my life has been one big flashback for a very long time. I think I've spent more time in a flashback than not! That's certainly something for me to work on.

More of this is to come. I have to head out!

It actually feels good to get a lot off my chest.

I honestly believe I've been living in a low-grade flashback for the better part of 10 years.

Pete Walkers book is a revelation. It's obvious to me now that the first thing I need to do is treat my cPTSD on a consistent basis.

Memories are coming flooding back from my youth & it's painful. This year I've actually lived well for a period of time, or have !? I am moving forward with my life. I need to take the plunge in business & get my own. It's a crucial step. It's not as simple as walking away from the business I'm in currently right now. It is however, a critical part of my recovery.

I remember fancying girls in high school & getting crushed repeatedly. These girls are still in my life in some capacity which is ironic!

I remember nearly getting in a mass brawl in school becuase someone called me names & I stood up for myself.

I remember being on a TV show becuase of my situation.

I remember lying about several things to improve my image!

My girlfriend is good friends with one of the girls & another lives on our street. She doesn't know about it even though I know she wouldn't be bothered. I find it tough sometimes because I feel I'm being dishonest even though nothing happened & it was just a silly high school crush.

Sickening things have happened in my life & I've done some stupid stuff.

I need to throw myself into recovery & get myself better. I know I can do it!

I am reading Pete Walkers book 'From surviving to thriving' & it's great. I actually have a mixture of emotions about the book, because up till now, I have viewed flashbacks as something that can be cured. Having read the book I understand this isn't the case. I get that they can be managed through a lot of recovery work but I can't say that I didn't find it a very sobering reality.

I 100% fit the 'fawn' type & have been in a low grade flashback for a long time. I suffer from a chronic lack of self esteem & turn to negative coping mechanisms to manage my flashbacks.

Having read the book so far, I'm not sure how I feel about what happened in my childhood. I can't say I believe that my Dad necessarily had bad intentions, but bad things happened & it wasn't right. The way it was dealt with was poor & it was rationalized through 'grief'.

I am realizing my childhood wasn't perfect before my Mom died. With her illness, there was always something more pressing than simply enjoying life.

I was forced into friendships that were bad & made to put my feelings to one side.

I was bullied & no-one aside from my Dad listened, which is ironic.

I changed myself & still felt bad because I didn't deal with the underlying issues. So much focus was put on 'grief' that I forgot about the other bad stuff!

I get bad social anxiety if I'm not out a lot, which is something I need to work on, as that brings on flashbacks!

I'm like a dancer right now who is learning the steps I need to know to hold my own. I'm a beginner right now, but I will become a professional dancer :)

This weekend has been eventful.

I had an argument with my girlfriend, but things actually turned out better.

I was determined not to freak out & for the most part, I didn't.

We both want each other to do more around the house & the only way we are going to do that is as a team. Things got a bit heated, but were kept respectful. I really do think it was needed to progress.

It's 14 years since my Mom died this week & I always feel as though it's a new start.

I plague myself with the same problems & make them bigger than they need to be.

The business is changing & I'm please with that. In the present moment, I am starting to feel pretty happy & make more progress each week.

I don't really hear from annoying friends at the minute, which is a huge plus!

I haven't read a lot this weekend, but I will this week. I understand now how important it is to make it to my 12 step meetings & also to get to the gym & meditate.

I am going out with friends for the first time in a long time this weekend. I feel pressure to drink, but ultimately I don't want to! It's tempting to book a 10k race to get an excuse. I know that it isn't a long term solution, I'm just not sure if I'm ready to tell my friends my story.

I am happy that I'm doing the work in the background now & it's what has been needed for a long time. My Dad also believe he suffers with cPTSD & he probably does.

I am concluding that I am not the co-dependent one, my Dad is & because I've been the 'fawn' type, I've gone along with that.

I want my independence & I think that might be quite tough to get, as my Dad views everything as 'us'.

I'm beginning to accept the people in my life for what they are. My Grandparents are so ignorant of mental health issues, its actually astounding! They are so ignorant of many things.

I am terrified of home invasion because we got burgled & they came in through my room. That in itself isn't the end of the world, but it was never discussed.

When I was bullied, it got resolved because I learnt how to defend myself. I've done a wide variety of martial arts to a pretty high level.

I'm watching Dear White People on Netflix right now & it's great.

For now, that's it! I'm happy today :)

I feel a bit iffy now. I find it bizarre how my moods can change & I can't pinpoint why.

I feel like I can't be pleased.

I want friends but I don't want to be mithered.

I want a successful business where I have freedom but when I do have freedom I get bored & feel guilty.

I get the gym in my life but its not enough.

I caught up with my friend this weekend & I'll be out with them this weekend & I'll see family in the week, but it's not enough.

I get lonely working by myself & I'm feeling it right now. I'm sat on my own in a posh leisure club full of people.

I am working through my emotions & it's tough.

I have no real reason to feel rubbish, but I do at the minute.

I do struggle to regulate intimacy. I used to be a playboy & I struggle to curb it. Contradictory to that, I am shy of intimacy & would only take things so far. I'd be happy making out with a girl & going on a couple of dates, but taking it further was a no-no.

I've only been intimate with a handful of people. A couple of mistakes & long term relationships.

I am scared of taking my relationship to the next level & I'm not sure if its her or me.

I find it tough to regulate my emotions with regard to intimacy. I find other people attractive & feel guilty for doing so. I don't act on it, but I want to! I feel scared to talk to people because of this.

I don't feel as though anyone knows the true me & wouldn't like me if they did. I think I'm dealing with chronically low self-esteem.

Being chucked out of my old group of friends was devastating for me, even though I have zero interest in being friends with these people in the future. I gambled & acted recklessly with these people!

I can't get past that & I know its stupid!

I've ended up so guarded & hostile to the world. It never used to be this way.

I am in a dark hole as far as friends & intimacy goes!

@wizeakre I saw your post last night & it got me thinking, I very rarely have time alone to do nothing. In the past year I've probably had 1 night of relaxation & 1 bath where I've done nothing & just been peaceful.

I am alone a lot, but I constantly occupy my mind, whether it be work, exercise or freaking out!

I'm actually not sure if I'm an introvert or extrovert. I tend to be very guided by the people I'm with as to how outgoing I am & my general demeanor.

It's something I definitely need to work on!

It certainly does help, I really appreciate your continued feedback! :)

Today is a new day!

I'm going to start journalling whether I have a good or bad day & looking at what I do on good days & what I do on bad ones. Hopefully this will show me patterns of behavior which I can change!

@wizeakre made me realize that it's very rare that I relax & do nothing, so I'm going to make a point of doing that for 20-30 minutes each day.

I took my Gran shopping last night & she was horrible. I knew she would be with it being around the time my Mom passed away. God forbid anyone aside from her having attention. Truthfully I can't stand her & hate the obligation of taking her shopping. I wish I could be more selfish & not do it for my own state of mind.

She doesn't deserve to be in my life to the extent that she is. My Grandad passing away changed the dynamic & I hate it. Thats really the issue & I can see that!

I actually feel ok this morning. I've got up, walked the dogs & meditated. I'm working from home, which I am enjoying & I'm looking forward to getting some work done.

I am glad for a day off from exercise, that will do me good also.

I feel better as I'm making changes financially that will have a huge benefit to me even now. I aim to earn more money & plough forward!

I've had another bad day.

I'm on the beginning of my journey to recovery really & I'm finding it tough!

I feel more panicky & more emotional, which is something I find tough to deal with.

I am well on with Pete Walkers book & I feel guilty for feeling bad & also not realizing bad I've felt!

It is my Moms anniversary tomorrow, which I find tough & is a big trigger for me.

I am going to work on getting out of the flashback I'm in & feeling better. I know I will tomorrow because I always do when the anniversary is over!

@crimsonTalker6672

Hi Crimson. Hows the rest of your week been? Anniversaries can be so tough.

Sorry, a brief response as its early here for me and my head hasnt quite yet caught up. But I wanted you to know Im thinking of you.

Thanks for the messages guys!

I'm going back to therapy.

I need to get some structure into my recovery.

I drank on Saturday & I feel guilty for it. I didn't do anything stupid, but I spent the whole weekend riddled with anxiety about it.

A lot of memories are coming back right now & I need to move forward with the relevant treatment.

I need to work on my recovery first & then work will get easier. I still feel tired today, but I know tomorrow I should be ok. I am setting realistic targets for me to achieve on a weekly basis.

It's been a while since I've updated this & things have been up & down.

I am doing a diary elsewhere, which has took up a lot of time. I will still update this, but with less frequency.

I've found out that one of my main symptoms is maladaptive dreaming (MD). I've spent A LOT of the past 10 years MDing & now I know that, I know I can move forwards.

I did have a binge on Saturday the 9th, but I have learnt from it. I need to be much more forthcoming in my real life about my issues. My recovery depends on it.

I need to do a lot of work on boundaries. Its a crucial life skill. When you mix dysfunction with zero boundaries its not a good mix. Pete Walkers book is an invaluable resource, I've taken a tremendous amount out of it.

So instead of having big goals, which are a big trigger for MD, I'm going to simply aim to be in the real world this week!

Maladaptive daydreaming is the symptom of PTSD that has ruined my life for the past decade.

I have spent over half my time fantasizing about an ideal version of myself who gets everything that I want. It may sound mad, but I know that I'm doing it. I'm aware of it & know that it isn't reality & always have done.

It's the elephant in the room that I haven't seen, which is bizarre because its swallowed at least ten years of my life.

It is what I've previously described as dissociation.

I feel really good right now, but I am wary of it. Feeling good is actually a trigger for me to MD. I can feel it coming on & use some simple mindfulness techniques to prevent it.

I am working on boundaries, as discussed here, they are really important & I'm starting small!

I think I wanted everything to magically get better in a day & it doesn't work like that.

Recovery from PTSD/addiction is like rolling a boulder up a hill, if you keep pushing, you see progress, if you stop, the boulder is going to roll back down the hill!

6 years today since my recovery from gambling addiction began.

I have had one bet for a nominal amount since then, but overall I've stayed away. It's a huge achievement & I am proud of myself.

I am continuing therapy & it's going well. I am starting to learn the dance steps needed to cope with day to day life.

I know where I want to go & I now understand where I am now. I haven't maladaptive daydreamed for over a week now. I've come close & being present is tiring, but I do feel better.

I'm slowly making progress with the new business & my daily routines.

I have tried to rescue people & ultimately fell into deep water!

I have felt worse lately, but in a good way.

I've dealt with quite a lot of low level issues. I've previously tried to be ok with a tonne of issues & I just ended up back at square one.

My girlfriend goes away tonight & I am wary that I behave whilst she is away.

I am learning it's ok not to deal with everything at once & dealing with an issue is still dealing with an issue. I think the tougher stuff that i've minimized will come through eventually. Probably when I've dealt with the low level stuff. Subconcsiously its probably why I let the low level stuff drag on.

I am hitting the gym a lot & work needs to improve, but I know I can do it. I know it's the first thing to sort out. It isn't strictly trauma related so I can sort it out.

It's been a while, but its time for me to catch up.

I do have a diary on another site, but I do enjoy coming here as well.

I've gone back to the T I was with last year. He spotted that I had PTSD & he is the only T who could see through me. It's the right decision.

Maladaptive daydreaming has been a huge issue for me in my life. I've not done it for over 30 days now & my brain is putting up a fight.

I made a big work related decision yesterday. I can't keep on working in the same way I always have. I need to look after myself & I'm not doing my Dad any favors by working like I am right now. I'm paid a full wage to do a job that could easily be outsourced for a fraction of the cost. I would say that I am in a co-dependent relationship with my Dad & I'm enabling him to go out & work.

My Dad seems unsure what he wants to do. Its like he wants to have his cake & eat it too. He wants to keep the old business with no cost & me doing the supporting stuff, but also wants me to set up the other businesses. It's one or the other. I cannot cope with both, mentally. It's not fair to me or my Dad for me to keep on in the role that I am. I am best placed doing marketing for our two new companies. It will help to shift the dynamic.

I feel really anxious lately & I think this is part of it. I can cut the business bills for 30-40% for our current business this month by earning my wage elsewhere.

This is going to be my final post on here.

I have a diary elsewhere that I use, its too much to keep 2 diaries going, mentally its exhausting.

I'm actually getting better & am putting more effort into work. I'm streamlining my efforts into one business. My relationship with my Dad is getting better & the big thing is honesty.

My symptoms still plague me, but certain areas have improved dramatically. Mainly my compulsive behaviours. Anxiety is worse right now, but it will get better. I get why it's worse at the minute. I have no unhealthy compulsions to lean on.

Im doing my best to relax, I need to learn that skill.

I'd like to thank all of you for your advice over the past year. It's hugely appreciated & I wont forget it.

I'm back, I've been over the web for the past year posting my experiences on different forums.

I do need an outlet to vent how I feel & I'm gonna start posting here again.

In June 2018, I was having suicidal thoughts. I had hit the lowest point I thought I could. I got back into therapy & things improved. I had another bout of suicidal thoughts in late 2018 & some in early 2019. I wasn't planning anything, but it was a very dark place.

I've had no interest in life for a long time. I've just survived, gritted my teeth & got up one day after another.

I'm at a low point in terms of my real life now. My business is in debt, I have a wedding to pay for & I am pretty miserable. This all comes from having zero interest in life.

I need to change & get better.

I'm glad to be back here, I feel better for sharing

I tend to ignore recovery resources at the weekend & that isn't great. It's something I need to address as my mood goes down at the weekend.

I feel better overall. I'm doing a lot less browsing on social media & I am staying away from negatives.

Need to work a little harder. I will be setting up a new business hopefully before the end of the year, but I do need to work harder in my current work.

Ahh, hit post before I meant to. It's tough at the minute & has been for a long time. I am trying to improve things but feel as though I'm stuck in the mud. I went through a ton growing up & trying to move on from it is problematic.

Maybe I just need to own it, the things I've done & actually move on. Seems to make sense. I cant avoid the trauma or act like it didn't happen, because it did.

Accepting where I am is really important. It's one of the things I'm not doing.

So my conclusion from today is that I need to sort myself out for me. I need to get my house tidier & get everything in order. I am doing better, but I do need to improve a lot more.

I actually feel pretty motivated & as though nothing is going to stop me this time round.

I have a plan. I want to move out of this business & into others. I want to move away in the long term.

Feeling good today.

Been for a run. Got some work done. Watching a bit on Netflix.

I think I need to just try to get a it more distance between me & my old life. Meditate more, read more, eat healthier, do more. I need to do this whilst also accepting it as a part of me. Tough balance to find.

Mood is good though, enjoying myself in the day.

Feeling really good. Signed up to be a listener, which I think is a step forward for me. I want to help others & learn how to deal with things properly. I like the idea of certification & I'm going to make it a mission moving forward.

Tidied my office & I've seen that I am treating the symptoms of my problems, rather than actually dealing with them. Going to the gym, meditating etc is all good & well if I'm actually dealing with things.

Maladaptive daydreaming has been an issue for me, mainly as a coping mechanism for bad situations.. I'm getting some support for that, which is good.

Work is still pretty bad, but I will get myself out of it.