PTSD Diary

So today is going to be a good day. Some things may get in my way, but it is a good day!

I have already done a to do list for the day & was up early, which I enjoy. An important thing for me is having a clean room & making the bed in the morning. Its signifies that I am in a good place. When I have suffered, my bedroom has been a mess!

I can't change how the people are in my life. I can only change myself & my actions. In the past 12 hours I've been mithered at least 3 times to do things that have ZERO benefit to me.

I am happy to help people out in my life without the expectation of the exact same in return, I have realized that expectations turn into resentments in a lot of cases.

I've realized it's important to say no & be assertive, but the most important thing is authenticity. It's pointless not doing something just to prove a point. I have the choice to do/not do something.

I'm feeling a lot more emotion, which is fantastic. I also drastically decreased my social media use last night, which is great, I want to keep that going.

Today I'm going to get done what I intended on doing yesterday!

Today has been pretty good!

I am trying meditation at the end of the work day, rather than the start, so we will see how that goes.

My Dad frustrates me, but I have done a good job of not letting it get to me too much. It is silly stuff that bothers me to be honest.

I am turning my focus towards work & fitness, which is great. I'm keeping on top of my businesses work very easily right now & it's a good feeling. To me, that's the first phase of success, the next is to grow my income through different & more prosperous means.

I'm going to book a health MOT, which I hope will put my mind at ease. I do worry a lot about health & this is the best step I can take!

I am going to be a lot more positive in my relationship to try to change it. As I type that I realize I may be trying to change my girlfriend, but it isn't the case. I am going to change & if she wants to get on board with it, then great! If not, then not so great.

I'm not in a great place in this relationship & to be honest haven't been for a long time. I feel as though there is an imbalance in it & I get nagged at for little things when the reality is that I take responsibility for most of the main things in our life. I sometimes feel as though my life would be easier without my girlfriend. I wouldn't get nagged & I would probably be better off financially. I am going to stay positive & see what happens!

I saw some old friends earlier near the shop where I used to bet. That made me pretty anxious but that feeling has passed now.

I am realizing that my lack of belief in myself has constantly got in my way for a long time, which is interesting.

A bit of a brief one today, but I will speak more tomorrow. :)

I'm at the Doctors today, for what I suspect is a UTI. I am hypersensitive about my health & paranoid beyond belief. I have spent a lot of time in the past year worrying about autoimmune diseases, cancer & other things!

In reality I have no symptoms of anything & I'm just terrified of dying young, like my Mum, Auntie & Grandad did. It's something I need to work on. I am still spending too much time worrying about the next bad thing to happen rather than living life in the moment.

In some ways I feel as though I live in the area I was brought up in to spend time with my elder relatives before they pass away. I know this is something I need to work on.

The stress in my life is considerably lower than it was this time last year & I am making big progress. The new business is coming together nicely & I now know that I can cope with the pressures. I put this progress down to meditation,stopping drinking, support meetings & pushing my comfort zone.

In the past few months we have got rid of problematic clients, which for a long time I didn't have the confidence to do.

To be completely honest it is the first time in 8 years of running a business that I am on top of my workload & am working pro-actively instead of reactively.

I am realizing that I've been in a dark place for a long time & I still have a long way to go in terms of my mental state. I know that if I stick to what I'm doing now, I'll get there.

I've booked another trip away, which is great & my gym work is coming along nicely. I am making progress with the business & my finances should get better soon.

Overall I've made great progress, I need to work on impatience & my self esteem!

Until Tomorrow :)

I woke up today in a great mood, which is fantastic & I'm now frustrated. My house is a tip & I hate it. It really winds me up. It can be sorted which I'm going to do.

I go away in the morning so things need sorting out. The dogs need to go to the kennels & a million other things need doing. I'm going to write a to do list & work through it.

I think it's good that I'm frustrated about this because it's a normal thing to feel frustrated about.

I'm not thinking about the trauma or the things that I've done, which is new territory for me.

I need to work on accepting my emotions rather than repressing them. I have a tendency to push emotions down rather than feel them, which isn't healthy.

I've just done a to do list which is going to help me get stuff done! Thats great.

I won't be updating this until Tuesday due to a lack of access to computer.

Have a great weekend all!

I TOOK A TRIP OVER THE WEEKEND & NOW FEEL AWFUL!

I'm not actually sure if I enjoyed this trip with my girlfriend. She was very moody & put a dampener on the trip.

It wasn't a long trip, only 2 days, but it's reinforced my view that I am miserable where I am living now & want to move away! I come back to my hometown & it's like a dark cloud coming over me.

A lot of emotion is tied in with my hometown, it's where all the trauma took place & it's where all my family live.

I believe my Grandparents begrudge me because I've set up my own business. They are staunch left wing supporters & disregard any facts from any other point of view.

I have no allegiance to any political party & want what I believe is best for the country. I am fluid in my views & will support what I believe to be correct for the time.

I have been reading the Tony Robbins book, awaken the giant within & aside from the blurry psuedo-science, it's actually teaching me a lot. I'm not sure if I actually feel sad on Mothers day or whether I believe I should be sad.

I am going to do the exercises & be a lot more positive.

My view on moving away is that moving away requires a state of mind that isn't fixed to any one place.

Ok, so I had a pause and took the dogs for a walk. I've realized that I need to express my emotions a lot more. My girlfriend upset me over the weekend, I can understand why she was moody, but that doesn't make it right!

Infact, scratch all of the above!

I've been reading Tony Robbins today & been doing the exercises. I don't want to be on my deathbed lay there thinking that 'I blew it'

I can no longer stand letting life pass me by before I inevitably die. It is the one guarantee in life. Time seems to be passing quick because I'm not getting what I want. I'm not getting what I want because of entrenched negative beliefs about who I am, what businesses are & how I fit in the world.

I now have huge leverage to change myself. A lot of the beliefs I've subscribed to are blatantly false. Business people are not bad people any more than employees. I don't have to grieve for 15 years to let go of my Mom. I don't have to stay in my hometown out of obligation. I have choices, I can do what I want. I can take these issues seriously as I have done or look at them for what are, simply mental baggage. The pain I put myself through must change NOW. I cannot keep going as I am.

I liked attention through pity & that now disgusts me. I will get good people in my life who don't pity me. I will be unafraid to walk away from negative relationships.

I will be positive every day & feel any negative emotions, not surpress them.

I will achieve my goals, for me, not anyone else & I will make a difference in the world. I will not be scared of being myself or doing what is right for me.

Ciao for now :D

I woke up this morning & have switched around my routine, I actually feel much better for it!

After working on personal development yesterday morning I went to a meeting with my Dad. He gave me the inquisition as to what I'd been working on. That morning, I actually hadn't got a lot done, which I probably should have. BUT, this year I have completely rebuilt the website & product, not had one day off, renewed all of our clients & got rid of the ones we don't want, kept on top of all work for existing clients, drove him around to place on zero notice & on the first day off that I should have (Friday.) I worked in the morning. When I picked him up, he was downright shitty with me, he was saying he's frustrated that work hasn't been done etc.

I also have been waiting for him to finish the product, I took the reigns with that & completed the redesign.

I am upping my standards in how I expect to be treated. Given all of the facts above, I didn't deserve to be treated like that.

It is a pattern that he acts like this whenever I get back from holiday. I directly asked him if he has an issue & he wouldn't give me a straight answer.

EVERY time I confront him, he tells me I've misunderstood his intention, which is horseshit!

The funny thing is, I got to the office for 8:15 this morning & he isn't here, when he was saying that he doesn't want anymore of the starting at 8:30 stuff

I am going to demand respect in this relationship, I sure as hell have earned it.

My emotions around this are particularly strong, I let it ruin my night & that must change! I am going to scramble my emotions & have a discussion with my Dad. I am not going to argue because that gets you nowhere!

The problem I have now is that I feel as though if I'm productive, he will believe it's because of his actions yesterday, it isn't AT ALL. Habitually I would act out by doing nothing all day, but I know that is self destructive.

I have concluded I need to be more assertive. I am going to explain how I feel & why that has annoyed me. I do not expect an apology, I want change. I am not going to let this dominate today as well. Same goes with my girlfriend.

Actually, being assertive is an issue across the board in my life & always has. It is something I need to work on. My old employees walked all over me.

I am going to turn this into a positive learning experience & use it to work on my assertiveness. The situation with my Dad may seem relatively small, but I'm not letting it go, as I found it disrespectful. He will not weasel his way out of it to continue the same pattern.

I've had the discussion with my Dad & feel better, I need to continue to be assertive & positive in my thoughts. I cannot let his state bother me as much as it does. That is on me. If he pulls stuff I don't like he cannot get away with it.

In conflict, I am liable to go into a shell. I don't say anything when I really should. I picture a situation as being worse than it is. I think he knows that he pushes it & knows he can do that with me.

I really have to think about these things right now. In time they will be automatic responses.

I do sometimes get angry & snap at him, but this just increases the problems.

I have cut back my sugar consumption & I am feeling it today. I know the long term benefits are going to be great though, so I will stick with it.

I'm at the doctors later for a health issue, I tend to jump to the worst case scenario, rather than being realistic.

I've got a long day of work ahead, which I'm actually looking forward to as it means the new business can be launched. :)

I'm feeling a lot better today. I've missed a lot of meditation lately & feel better for doing it again this morning. I met up with a friend who has similar values which is great!

My work is getting a lot better & I'm less stressed with it overall. I would like more work & I am positive that going forward we can get it. We now have clear goals for the next 6-12 months which really helps.

I am still frustrated by my girlfriend, but I now know what I need to do. I need to stop moping around & take action. There is the reality that is perceived and the one that is real. I think the relationship with my Dad has been the same. He perceives that he is the hardest working and does the most, even though that isn't strictly true & certainly hasn't been over the 8 years in business. I am being more assertive & challenging the mindset that he is trying to put on me.

Same goes with my girlfriend. She believes she does more & sulks at me for pedantic things, when in reality she comes home & sits on the couch most nights. When shes doing this I'm invariably out with the dogs or cleaning up.

My Dad brought up his psycho ex earlier & got told straight. I am not listening to him talk about her, she was awful & no amount of rationalization from him will change that.

So things are changing for the better. I may moan but on the whole I know I am making progress, that is the whole point of this!

Until tomorrow :)

I feel great again today!

I went for a jog this morning & my head wasn't full with petty resentments & frustrations. I actually focused on the running & the joy that it brings.

I've been thinking about resentments lately quite a lot. First of all I've lowered my expectations of people, as these have the potential to be resentments. Secondly, I've been letting go of the resentments I once held. I've realized that holding onto the past has crippled me for a long time.

As I've mentioned previously, my Dad mentioned his ex-girlfriend yesterday. We were talking about how timing matters in relationships & he started saying that if the timing was different that relationship may have lasted. I instantly shot him down as this woman put us through hell. It feels different to the past in the fact that I've not held that against my Dad, I've been assertive & think this is what's called 'setting boundaries.' I am letting go of past traumatic experiences & to me that involves acceptance. I can accept what went on, learn from it & slam the door shut. I do not want to talk about this woman.

Letting go of resentments is giving me control over my life. Instead of going into meltdown over this conversation & either sulking or blowing up at my Dad, I've set a boundary which will stick.

The penny dropped with regards to my Girlfriend last night. She is imposing her standards, whilst I am not imposing mine & sulking about it. I can resent her all I want, if I'm not setting my own boundaries & imposing my own standards, she is likely to do things that conflict with my views.

I am changing because I am actually changing my life. I am cutting out negatives like friends who aren't really friends. I feel much better for cutting out my friend who I've known for years. At first it was tough but now my mind is made up. He actually brings up gambling pretty much everytime I see him. He isn't a problem gambler, so there is no reason to bring it up.

I could try setting boundaries with him, but in the past this has proved ineffective, he just doesn't get it!

A good example is when my Grandad died, he text me this 'Can you ring me please, its urgent.' Now, given the fact that he knew that my Grandad died, urgent must be GODDAM freaking urgent.

When I spoke to him it turned out that he had a bad day at work.

So yeah, it isn't a shame to cut people out of your life who are narcissistic & probably trigger you. Infact, I'd advise anyone who can remove toxic influences from there life to do it now. I met up with a good friend yesterday & the difference is astounding, he was a pleasure to be with & we are making plans for next weekend.

I feel as though I've turned a corner this week. I am giving myself a pat on the back! I do know that there will be challenges ahead, but I'm going to ride the wave. I do believe a big factor is meditation. It's took a long time, but the packs do work given time & really help. I would recommend the Headspace app to anyone!

I still have disassociated at certain times this week, but far less than usual & I now am realizing what's causing it. I've used disassociation as a coping mechanism for a lot of thing, particularly after I stopped gambling. I need to replace disassociation with something a lot more positive.

I believe it's as important to update this diary when I'm feeling good. I also believe it's important to find what works for you. I found that talking therapy didn't work for me. It could have just been the 3 therapists I've seen in 6 years weren't very good, but I just found that it didn't work for me. I know that updating this, along with meditation, exercise, reading, quitting drinking & 12 step support meetings have turned my life around from early December.

Despite my reservations about the therapist, he has helped me in the fact that he diagnosed me with PTSD. Maybe the therapy didn't work because back in November I didn't want to admit all the things that I have on this diary. Maybe it wasn't the therapist, it was me who wasn't ready for it.

Tuesday was probably the low point of the week & I've been able to turn that into a positive, which is another big difference.

I am looking forward to launching my new business today & earning money from it.

Ciao for now everyone :)

So I have had a great few days, but I need to remember what got me to a great place.

That being:

Journaling my thoughts here
Meditating
Going to the gym.

I went for a jog this morning, but overall, I have slipped. I'm going to meditate tonight when I get home. The reason I mention this is because I don't feel so great now!

I got to the bottom of why my girlfriend is acting the way she is & thats because she's struggling herself. We have talked things through & were going to go on this journey together. We are going to help each other through this tough patch.

I believe that your early-mid 20's is a transitional period. You come to terms with who you are & your experiences so far. I have left behind the vast majority of people from school & I'm making new relationships.

I have less friends but I'm realizing thats not a bad thing!

I am enjoying my work. I find it frustrating where the business is right now, but I know with enough hard work, it will get there. I know my Gran isn't in the right place in my life at the moment, which is probably the big cause of stress!

I'm actually working towards my goals, which is new & fantastic.

I need a night free from social media in my opinion, I have binged a lot as of late & I should curb it for my own mental health. App has now been deleted & I've logged out of facebook online.

The good thing is that I'm aware of where I have slipped & I will rectify it. I also need to read more, which I will do tonight. My room also needs tidying!

I had the best night I've ever had on Saturday, because I wasn't disassociating & was happy with my own company! I only watched a couple of films, but it was great!

Very little disassociating has taken place & that's great.

Tomorrow I will be back to a great place!