PTSD Diary

@wizeakre

You know what, in nearly 5 years, we've only had 1 blazing argument & that was under the influence of alcohol.

I do think you are right, I need to be assertive & gain balance in the relationship. There is an ongoing pattern in the relationship that frustrates me, basically she tells me to go and get stuff & I do it. Now I don't mind this, but I believe it's coming from a place of laziness. I am going to start refusing to get things if the reason is simple laziness.

I am going to act & reset this pattern, because it isn't just the small stuff, it's the big stuff too!

I'm at the Doctors today, for what I suspect is a UTI. I am hypersensitive about my health & paranoid beyond belief. I have spent a lot of time in the past year worrying about autoimmune diseases, cancer & other things!

In reality I have no symptoms of anything & I'm just terrified of dying young, like my Mum, Auntie & Grandad did. It's something I need to work on. I am still spending too much time worrying about the next bad thing to happen rather than living life in the moment.

In some ways I feel as though I live in the area I was brought up in to spend time with my elder relatives before they pass away. I know this is something I need to work on.

The stress in my life is considerably lower than it was this time last year & I am making big progress. The new business is coming together nicely & I now know that I can cope with the pressures. I put this progress down to meditation,stopping drinking, support meetings & pushing my comfort zone.

In the past few months we have got rid of problematic clients, which for a long time I didn't have the confidence to do.

To be completely honest it is the first time in 8 years of running a business that I am on top of my workload & am working pro-actively instead of reactively.

I am realizing that I've been in a dark place for a long time & I still have a long way to go in terms of my mental state. I know that if I stick to what I'm doing now, I'll get there.

I've booked another trip away, which is great & my gym work is coming along nicely. I am making progress with the business & my finances should get better soon.

Overall I've made great progress, I need to work on impatience & my self esteem!

Until Tomorrow :)

I woke up today in a great mood, which is fantastic & I'm now frustrated. My house is a tip & I hate it. It really winds me up. It can be sorted which I'm going to do.

I go away in the morning so things need sorting out. The dogs need to go to the kennels & a million other things need doing. I'm going to write a to do list & work through it.

I think it's good that I'm frustrated about this because it's a normal thing to feel frustrated about.

I'm not thinking about the trauma or the things that I've done, which is new territory for me.

I need to work on accepting my emotions rather than repressing them. I have a tendency to push emotions down rather than feel them, which isn't healthy.

I've just done a to do list which is going to help me get stuff done! Thats great.

I won't be updating this until Tuesday due to a lack of access to computer.

Have a great weekend all!

I TOOK A TRIP OVER THE WEEKEND & NOW FEEL AWFUL!

I'm not actually sure if I enjoyed this trip with my girlfriend. She was very moody & put a dampener on the trip.

It wasn't a long trip, only 2 days, but it's reinforced my view that I am miserable where I am living now & want to move away! I come back to my hometown & it's like a dark cloud coming over me.

A lot of emotion is tied in with my hometown, it's where all the trauma took place & it's where all my family live.

I believe my Grandparents begrudge me because I've set up my own business. They are staunch left wing supporters & disregard any facts from any other point of view.

I have no allegiance to any political party & want what I believe is best for the country. I am fluid in my views & will support what I believe to be correct for the time.

I have been reading the Tony Robbins book, awaken the giant within & aside from the blurry psuedo-science, it's actually teaching me a lot. I'm not sure if I actually feel sad on Mothers day or whether I believe I should be sad.

I am going to do the exercises & be a lot more positive.

My view on moving away is that moving away requires a state of mind that isn't fixed to any one place.

Ok, so I had a pause and took the dogs for a walk. I've realized that I need to express my emotions a lot more. My girlfriend upset me over the weekend, I can understand why she was moody, but that doesn't make it right!

Infact, scratch all of the above!

I've been reading Tony Robbins today & been doing the exercises. I don't want to be on my deathbed lay there thinking that 'I blew it'

I can no longer stand letting life pass me by before I inevitably die. It is the one guarantee in life. Time seems to be passing quick because I'm not getting what I want. I'm not getting what I want because of entrenched negative beliefs about who I am, what businesses are & how I fit in the world.

I now have huge leverage to change myself. A lot of the beliefs I've subscribed to are blatantly false. Business people are not bad people any more than employees. I don't have to grieve for 15 years to let go of my Mom. I don't have to stay in my hometown out of obligation. I have choices, I can do what I want. I can take these issues seriously as I have done or look at them for what are, simply mental baggage. The pain I put myself through must change NOW. I cannot keep going as I am.

I liked attention through pity & that now disgusts me. I will get good people in my life who don't pity me. I will be unafraid to walk away from negative relationships.

I will be positive every day & feel any negative emotions, not surpress them.

I will achieve my goals, for me, not anyone else & I will make a difference in the world. I will not be scared of being myself or doing what is right for me.

Ciao for now :D

@wizeakre Thanks, it's much appreciated.

I am realizing that things are not absolute & what we are told & see when we are younger is not the way the whole world is. These things are an opinion & may serve some people well, but I am different from my family & other things serve me well, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that!

I am realizing that I must change certain things about myself. These things are a must as they have caused me so much pain over the years.

When we start our diaries we must look at them as a vehicle for positive change, not pain! Our experiences are the biggest leverage that we have to change. As survivors of trauma, we must look at the trauma as it is & find new things to do that are far away from said trauma!

I woke up this morning & have switched around my routine, I actually feel much better for it!

After working on personal development yesterday morning I went to a meeting with my Dad. He gave me the inquisition as to what I'd been working on. That morning, I actually hadn't got a lot done, which I probably should have. BUT, this year I have completely rebuilt the website & product, not had one day off, renewed all of our clients & got rid of the ones we don't want, kept on top of all work for existing clients, drove him around to place on zero notice & on the first day off that I should have (Friday.) I worked in the morning. When I picked him up, he was downright shitty with me, he was saying he's frustrated that work hasn't been done etc.

I also have been waiting for him to finish the product, I took the reigns with that & completed the redesign.

I am upping my standards in how I expect to be treated. Given all of the facts above, I didn't deserve to be treated like that.

It is a pattern that he acts like this whenever I get back from holiday. I directly asked him if he has an issue & he wouldn't give me a straight answer.

EVERY time I confront him, he tells me I've misunderstood his intention, which is horseshit!

The funny thing is, I got to the office for 8:15 this morning & he isn't here, when he was saying that he doesn't want anymore of the starting at 8:30 stuff

I am going to demand respect in this relationship, I sure as hell have earned it.

My emotions around this are particularly strong, I let it ruin my night & that must change! I am going to scramble my emotions & have a discussion with my Dad. I am not going to argue because that gets you nowhere!

The problem I have now is that I feel as though if I'm productive, he will believe it's because of his actions yesterday, it isn't AT ALL. Habitually I would act out by doing nothing all day, but I know that is self destructive.

I have concluded I need to be more assertive. I am going to explain how I feel & why that has annoyed me. I do not expect an apology, I want change. I am not going to let this dominate today as well. Same goes with my girlfriend.

Actually, being assertive is an issue across the board in my life & always has. It is something I need to work on. My old employees walked all over me.

I am going to turn this into a positive learning experience & use it to work on my assertiveness. The situation with my Dad may seem relatively small, but I'm not letting it go, as I found it disrespectful. He will not weasel his way out of it to continue the same pattern.

I've had the discussion with my Dad & feel better, I need to continue to be assertive & positive in my thoughts. I cannot let his state bother me as much as it does. That is on me. If he pulls stuff I don't like he cannot get away with it.

In conflict, I am liable to go into a shell. I don't say anything when I really should. I picture a situation as being worse than it is. I think he knows that he pushes it & knows he can do that with me.

I really have to think about these things right now. In time they will be automatic responses.

I do sometimes get angry & snap at him, but this just increases the problems.

I have cut back my sugar consumption & I am feeling it today. I know the long term benefits are going to be great though, so I will stick with it.

I'm at the doctors later for a health issue, I tend to jump to the worst case scenario, rather than being realistic.

I've got a long day of work ahead, which I'm actually looking forward to as it means the new business can be launched. :)

I'm feeling a lot better today. I've missed a lot of meditation lately & feel better for doing it again this morning. I met up with a friend who has similar values which is great!

My work is getting a lot better & I'm less stressed with it overall. I would like more work & I am positive that going forward we can get it. We now have clear goals for the next 6-12 months which really helps.

I am still frustrated by my girlfriend, but I now know what I need to do. I need to stop moping around & take action. There is the reality that is perceived and the one that is real. I think the relationship with my Dad has been the same. He perceives that he is the hardest working and does the most, even though that isn't strictly true & certainly hasn't been over the 8 years in business. I am being more assertive & challenging the mindset that he is trying to put on me.

Same goes with my girlfriend. She believes she does more & sulks at me for pedantic things, when in reality she comes home & sits on the couch most nights. When shes doing this I'm invariably out with the dogs or cleaning up.

My Dad brought up his psycho ex earlier & got told straight. I am not listening to him talk about her, she was awful & no amount of rationalization from him will change that.

So things are changing for the better. I may moan but on the whole I know I am making progress, that is the whole point of this!

Until tomorrow :)

I feel great again today!

I went for a jog this morning & my head wasn't full with petty resentments & frustrations. I actually focused on the running & the joy that it brings.

I've been thinking about resentments lately quite a lot. First of all I've lowered my expectations of people, as these have the potential to be resentments. Secondly, I've been letting go of the resentments I once held. I've realized that holding onto the past has crippled me for a long time.

As I've mentioned previously, my Dad mentioned his ex-girlfriend yesterday. We were talking about how timing matters in relationships & he started saying that if the timing was different that relationship may have lasted. I instantly shot him down as this woman put us through hell. It feels different to the past in the fact that I've not held that against my Dad, I've been assertive & think this is what's called 'setting boundaries.' I am letting go of past traumatic experiences & to me that involves acceptance. I can accept what went on, learn from it & slam the door shut. I do not want to talk about this woman.

Letting go of resentments is giving me control over my life. Instead of going into meltdown over this conversation & either sulking or blowing up at my Dad, I've set a boundary which will stick.

The penny dropped with regards to my Girlfriend last night. She is imposing her standards, whilst I am not imposing mine & sulking about it. I can resent her all I want, if I'm not setting my own boundaries & imposing my own standards, she is likely to do things that conflict with my views.

I am changing because I am actually changing my life. I am cutting out negatives like friends who aren't really friends. I feel much better for cutting out my friend who I've known for years. At first it was tough but now my mind is made up. He actually brings up gambling pretty much everytime I see him. He isn't a problem gambler, so there is no reason to bring it up.

I could try setting boundaries with him, but in the past this has proved ineffective, he just doesn't get it!

A good example is when my Grandad died, he text me this 'Can you ring me please, its urgent.' Now, given the fact that he knew that my Grandad died, urgent must be GODDAM freaking urgent.

When I spoke to him it turned out that he had a bad day at work.

So yeah, it isn't a shame to cut people out of your life who are narcissistic & probably trigger you. Infact, I'd advise anyone who can remove toxic influences from there life to do it now. I met up with a good friend yesterday & the difference is astounding, he was a pleasure to be with & we are making plans for next weekend.

I feel as though I've turned a corner this week. I am giving myself a pat on the back! I do know that there will be challenges ahead, but I'm going to ride the wave. I do believe a big factor is meditation. It's took a long time, but the packs do work given time & really help. I would recommend the Headspace app to anyone!

I still have disassociated at certain times this week, but far less than usual & I now am realizing what's causing it. I've used disassociation as a coping mechanism for a lot of thing, particularly after I stopped gambling. I need to replace disassociation with something a lot more positive.

I believe it's as important to update this diary when I'm feeling good. I also believe it's important to find what works for you. I found that talking therapy didn't work for me. It could have just been the 3 therapists I've seen in 6 years weren't very good, but I just found that it didn't work for me. I know that updating this, along with meditation, exercise, reading, quitting drinking & 12 step support meetings have turned my life around from early December.

Despite my reservations about the therapist, he has helped me in the fact that he diagnosed me with PTSD. Maybe the therapy didn't work because back in November I didn't want to admit all the things that I have on this diary. Maybe it wasn't the therapist, it was me who wasn't ready for it.

Tuesday was probably the low point of the week & I've been able to turn that into a positive, which is another big difference.

I am looking forward to launching my new business today & earning money from it.

Ciao for now everyone :)

@crimsonTalker6672 great news that you are feeling better and good luck with the business! This post is a great idea! ❤️❤️

So I have had a great few days, but I need to remember what got me to a great place.

That being:

Journaling my thoughts here
Meditating
Going to the gym.

I went for a jog this morning, but overall, I have slipped. I'm going to meditate tonight when I get home. The reason I mention this is because I don't feel so great now!

I got to the bottom of why my girlfriend is acting the way she is & thats because she's struggling herself. We have talked things through & were going to go on this journey together. We are going to help each other through this tough patch.

I believe that your early-mid 20's is a transitional period. You come to terms with who you are & your experiences so far. I have left behind the vast majority of people from school & I'm making new relationships.

I have less friends but I'm realizing thats not a bad thing!

I am enjoying my work. I find it frustrating where the business is right now, but I know with enough hard work, it will get there. I know my Gran isn't in the right place in my life at the moment, which is probably the big cause of stress!

I'm actually working towards my goals, which is new & fantastic.

I need a night free from social media in my opinion, I have binged a lot as of late & I should curb it for my own mental health. App has now been deleted & I've logged out of facebook online.

The good thing is that I'm aware of where I have slipped & I will rectify it. I also need to read more, which I will do tonight. My room also needs tidying!

I had the best night I've ever had on Saturday, because I wasn't disassociating & was happy with my own company! I only watched a couple of films, but it was great!

Very little disassociating has taken place & that's great.

Tomorrow I will be back to a great place!

@crimsonTalker6672

congrats to you for recognizing what seems to be working for you and what isnt ! I also took a break from Facebook for a while and felt really good doing this ( a bit weird at first for sure) I now dont go on very often and go on here, which I find directly helpful for my health if used appropriately. I really admire how youre keeping track of concrete goals! I think I should start doing this 😉.

Thanks guys, it's much appreciated.

I struggled this morning, I really need to keep up the meditating & everything else I'm doing. It's so tempting to go back to old patterns when faced with the stress of life.

I've decided I'm going to leave the sports team I played for last season for now. I need to focus on my work right now & stabilizing the business. That along with my support meetings, the gym & running is enough for me right now!

It's dawned on me why I've slowly not felt myself. I've fell into the habit of inaction when it comes to awkward conversations. I've not done enough to positively challenge myself in that way. So after I post this I'm going to make the calls I need to. It's a MUST.

I know how it can be a quick spiral from being a bit 'off' to full blown disassociation & not wanting to get out of bed. Especially considering how short of a time it is that I've actually felt good!

I've done a lot of the easier concrete goals that I've set, whilst making minimal progress with the bigger goals.

I've sorted out my debt & booked trips. I deserve a pat on the back for that! I'm going to the gym a lot more & will book another 10k this week.

Overall I'm doing great & I can't lose sight of that! My self esteem is improving but I still have doubts. Especially when challenged. I started work late today & my Dad had a bit of a pop.

Being honest, from where I was at the start of the year I'm doing far, far better & want encouragement, not dissapproval. I'm going to make him aware of how bad I was & give further insight!

So, I think I got a bit confident in my feeling good.

I have been working with my Dad all week, which I don't believe I'm ready for, especially as far as boundaries are concerned.

I'm working hard to change the dynamic with my Dad & I think it was a bit much to be with him everyday. I'm working from home today, which is better.

I think that trauma in the past made me numb & because I thought people were 'nice' I let them do what they want & got burned. A lot of emotional work I need to do with my Dad revolves around boundaries & respect. I understand that goes both ways & I'm working hard on my end of the bargain.

I haven't meditated this week until this morning & I felt instantly better. It really does help to set my mood for the day. I also went running which helps to clear my mind.

My girlfriend is still struggling & she needs to want to change more. That is something I can't change. I need to focus on myself. I want to give her advice & help her, but ultimately it's up to her. I need to work on setting positive boundaries as far as house work is concerned.

I had a problem with a client that I got overinvested in emotionally & although it's now resolved, it really did my head in. Maybe because I feel alone & if I go to my Dad for help he just kicks off.

My Dad is focused on one situation where someone may have messed up or done something potentially unfair, that he fails to see that he does it to other people. I am coming out of a 14 year haze & whilst I've done some shady things, my Dad also put me through some things as a minor that were horrible. He had a choice & he came up short.

On Wednesday I took a couple of hours to myself to compose my mind because I didn't feel great. I understand that I should have been working, but I just didn't feel up to it. I went to the gym & reset my state by going in the gym. My Dad wasn't happy with this & saw this as me taking advantage of him. I got all of my work done that afternoon & some of his.

Has he worked more hours this year? Yes.
Have I got more results this year than ANY previous year? Yes.

These are the frustrations that I'm contending with. After walking for 30 minutes ranting I've come to some conclusions.

I am holding onto the trauma that my Dad was partly responsible for, STILL.
My Dad may be holding onto what I put him through when I was gambling.
I need to focus on myself to progress.

My Dad has the perceived reality that he does all of the work and gets the most results. I know this to be a gross exaggeration. I do not care what hours get worked, I care about results. I am going to send my Dad the results of what I've accomplished every week. I've worked 60-70 hour weeks with nothing to show for it.

I feel overrall as though I am changing how I see myself & this has not yet took hold with other people. I therefore keep on dropping back into old patterns.

I need to entrench these patterns within myself, be more assertive & change the game's & perceived realities in the relationships that I have. For this to be effective, it must be based upon fact. For example if I've taken the dogs out, done the washing, made tea & cleaned up whilst my girlfriend sits on the couch, I have the right to be annoyed about that based on FACT. Same with my Dad. If he isn't happy with the hours I've worked yet I've got exceptional results, I can supercede the games & change the reality based on fact.

I now feel a lot better. This is most definitely the next stage of my recovery.

So today I'm going to get results in my work & finish early! Happy days :)

Ok so last week was a big up & Ive had quite a big down.

I bought a book at the weekend about overcoming childhood trauma & its made me realise a lot.

When it came to the toxic relationship my Dad had, I was all alone. I had zero support and it got to me.

I was my Dads emotional confidant & that wasnt appropriate. What gets to me is that he still wants that to be the case.

That relationship ended but the one hes in now is still pretty bad & ive still given him advice & heard arguments etc.

I work with my Dad & I find it tough. The fact that Ive been emotionally neglected for a long time doesnt help.

Things need to change in some way. I cant continue having this type of relationship with him!

I now understand why Ive struggled to perform for the past 8 years.

Im going to continue to read the book & form a plan. Any suggestions here are more than welcome!!

When my dad acts out of leans on me, it genuinely ruins me for a while!

Other than that, things are good!

For me, this is the tough one. I feel like laying into him emotionally, but I dont think that will help. I dont think my dads a bad person & I do want to map a way forward, but I do know that I cannot continue to put myself through turmoil!

@crimsonTalker6672 it really sounds like maybe a case of also needing to be clear with yourself of what your actual needs are with your dad.... like what is too much? So that it doesn

I agree with Wize on all of this! But Ill add my two bits.... Ive learned that sometimes current situations can bring up (trigger) past emotional responses. So Id suggest trying to just sit with your feelings, and take note of whats happening for you during these current dynamics with your dad. Without judgement. Just notice. Maybe journal on it or something? See if you can distinguish whether what youre feeling is in line with the current situation or if its bringing up something from the past. That would be the first step I suppose.

I guess going forward you would then need to decide based on what the issue is, past or present, what you need to do. As I think it might differ depending. Ive found this has helped me a little bit. Although for myself I get triggered by current situations that are similar to past ones- so I end up needing to assert the same boundaries anyways. Sorry, Im just realizing I probably made that more confusing 😣

@wizeakre

Thanks Wize. I really should have listened to you and purple initially.

Ive been clearing the internal fog for quite a while now & its working.

What Ive not worked on is external triggers such as my Dad acting the way he does.

I need to be assertive & set clear boundaries. ( i know youve told me this a lot) I need to kill the dynamic where he involved me in his relationships. I believe it is best to have an overt conversation about this.

To move forward with my Dad, I need to him to respect & understand how bad it is for me to talk about these things. If he cant do that, I will start taking BIG steps back.

I am going to set up a business of my own. I will do it in my spare time to avoid conflict. My Dad has involved himself in all of the jobs Ive had barring one.

Maybe subconsciously he knows how I feel.

The conversation is a must. I am going to have it today. I went to the cemetery where my mum is buried yesterday & for the first time in 14 years I came away with an inner strength. I know I can do this.

@wizeakre thanks wize! Your help is always appreciated! I am going to finish this book off over the next few days. Ive realised that having ambition isnt enough. Ive got to change my belief systems first.

Ive realised its all good and well having ambition, but I need to work on my internal beliefs & patterns.

I have the ambition to be a successful business man living in the US, thats my marathon. At the minute Im trying to sprint the marathon. I need to change how I see the world & my relationships with the people closest to me.

its a must at this point & needs to be my primary focus. I Have actually accepted that I have PTSD & work on managing triggers as well as developing coping strategies. The acceptance came about last night at the cemetery! I need to lay the foundations for me to build a house. Im trying to bench press 140kg when I havent trained for years.

Im a bit apprehensive about the conversation but I know it needs to be done and marks a key point in my recovery!

You know what, I'm going to save the conversation for another day.

I'm not doing this out of weakness, I'm doing it because I don't have coping strategies in place. I am not far enough along the line of knowing what I want, I only know what I don't want. I am going to soul search over the next few days to realize what I want!

I know the tangible, material things I want to achieve & where I want to live, but I don't know what I want out of my relationships on a deep, emotional level.

Easter weekend

Easter weekend was interesting.

I still struggle to relax. I feel as though I must always be busy & can't stop.

On Friday me & my girlfriend set about refurbishing the bedroom. We are actually in a really good place right now. I enjoyed it although we were lazy & got takeout.

I watched Derren Brown - The Push & it reminded me about social compliance. There was a situation last Thursday where I should have spoken up but didn't. I used to be the guy who would speak up about indiscretions, I need to get back to being this guy.

On Saturday I went out for food with a bunch of friends. They don't live near us anymore, but we have been close for a solid 5-10 years now. It wasn't the same. I didn't enjoy it as much. My friends girlfriend invited her friends, who were very vulgar. Everyone was drunk & I just didn't enjoy it. I am becoming more aware of my emotions since I stopped drinking.

For the first time I missed drinking. The friends I was out with were my old drinking buddies. I know getting drunk won't solve anything & the past 2-3 months have been the best I've ever had, but I just missed 'fitting in'. Social compliance kicking in again right there.

The new business is still frustrating me, but I can change that. I have decided I need to change quickly & really challenge myself. It is the only way I will move forward with my life.

I have felt down this weekend at times & I usually do when I'm forced to slow down. I am working on enjoying the little things, rather than feeling as though I can't enjoy anything.

This weekend has absolutely solidified my decision to move away ASAP.

I haven't seen my Dad & I feel more balance, I will continue to work on boundaries with him.

Goals for this short week:

Don't look at work phone out of work.
Finish childhood trauma book.
Finish set up of new business.
Eat healthily & hit the gym at least 3 times.

Coming back to Earth!

I'm a hot mess right now.

I need to be honest with myself & you guys. I still am not myself. I am still constantly emotionally exhausted & stressed. I've had a couple of good weeks this year, but overall I'm still down. I keep on telling myself I'm ok, but I'm not.

I have been disassociating A LOT lately! Like A LOT & it does me no good. I haven't been meditating & I'm not busy with work as much as I want to be.

Positives so far this year:

Business is doing better & I'm working less hours.
I haven't drank.
I haven't gambled.
I've read intriguing books & understand more about PTSD.

Negatives so far this year:

I haven't made the progress I would like with new projects.
I still disassociate a lot.
I'm still stressed.

I've made a lot of progress with superficial issues like the debt I was in & doing things around the house, but I still feel crappy.

Looking at the pattern of my life, I don't believe being reliant on my Dad for work helps. He did not like it when I mentioned independence yesterday & actually got quite a bit done after the conversation we had.

I can't do it anymore, I'm driving myself insane. I don't mind a business with him being one part of an overall approach, but it can't be what I do in the long run. It's never what I intended on doing & I've always been abundantly clear with that.

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency

I've just read the above article & it is mine & my Dad's relationship to a tee. You could edit it a bit with our names & it would fit what happens in reality. I actually feel tonnes better for reading that. I now see what the problem is. It's actually eery how accurate that article is.

I believe that is the root cause of why I'm struggling. I am in a co-dependent relationship with my Dad.

Facts:

He has a driving phobia - I drive him to places. I got up at 5:30 this morning to drive him to the train station.
I have pulled his work up to the standard it needs to be for the past 8 years.
I have emotionally supported him to my own detriment.
I take too much responsibility forhis feelings.
Feel guilty asserting myself.

I could go on & on, but it's so clear to me now what I need to do. I need to research & treat codependency alongside PTSD. It explains why I just can't let it go, it's because I'm dealing with a web of ongoing issues, not just one.

I'm out of the trauma, but the pattern of behavior is still there & I've never seen it. It is revolved around healthy boundaries, but I feel much better for acknowledging it.

I'm ready now, the time is now to act!

I've well & truly had enough of being low. I've been pretty run down for the past week or so & I've now got a cold, ulsers in my mouth & generally feel crappy.

I feel irritable with most people & have been eating a lot of junk. I've put on a good few pounds in the past couple of weeks.

I'm sick of being on what I feel is the bottom rung of my recovery. My Dad texts me & I lose my head, it's shocking. Everytime I drag up childhood trauma my head goes.

I felt on top of the world when I went away & I now feel down in the dumps.

I know my Dad has too much power over my mood & ultimately my life. I've thought about it & he has tried to exert control over pretty much every part of my life.

He didn't want me to buy a house because he couldn't give me money towards it. He kicks off every time I go away. He gets me to do menial tasks for him EVERY GODDAM DAY. I spent 3 hours yesterday driving him because he has a phobia of motorways. It actually look ridiculous to type that. He still brings up his girlfriend & the negative things she does. He seems to think that business is a WE thing & not something we could do separately. He actually sounded annoyed yesterday because I asked him to text me an email address.

Financially I have always been looked after, but emotionally I've had very little support since my Mom died. The relationship dynamic now does neither of us any favours. I know this, it's so obvious.

I believe that I have struggled to recover because of my environment. On the flip side I believe it is critical for me to deal with these issues to move forward in my recovery. Infact I'm realising I must deal with these problems to move forward, irrespective of the financial impact to me. My BIG fear is that I argue with my Dad & he pulls the plug on me as far as wages go. He is on paper the majority owner of the business, the only named person on the bank account & could do that.

I've thought about it & I'm going to rejig the plan I made completely. This plan is going to be emotionally based & disrupt the negative patterns on a consistent basis. I'm all for the previous plan I made, but I need to focus on my emotional health as well. A lot of these things are habits I need to do.

Daily emotional health checklist

Post an entry on here.
Meditate.
Get at least 8 hours sleep.
Read at least 1 chapter of a self help book.
Be vigilant with triggers.
Organize my work priorities into 2/3 critical tasks.
Eat healthily & drink plenty of water
Get up early & read newspaper.

Other steps to take to gain back emotional control of my life. (All to be done within 90 days.)

Set up independent business.
Get shareholding signed in current business.
Be named on business bank accounts.
Clear all debts.
Full pass across access to money to GF.

Control clearly makes my Dad tick. The business isn't 50-50 on paper, but my Dad says it is as an oral agreement. To be blunt, I don't trust that will be upheld. It can be used as a stick to kick me if I mess up & I can't do anything if he does.

I feel much better for making a plan like the above. I need to be vigilant with my daily routine & take steps to improve my life & gain control of it.

Quick thoughts:

I am beginning to realize how many negative pattern tie in with my Dad.

He came in the office & it's absurd how much time he tries to waste of mine & how much I let him. Some of it is ok & some of it isn't! I need to distinguish between the 2. If I let his actions impact me anymore, I am not going to very well mentally. If I begin disassociating, I may not be OK for weeks. Meditating & ranting on here generally helps me get out of it.

He is very negative & I need to not take that on board. I am not a negativer person.

I feel trapped with my Dad & he presents simple situations as far more than they are. He projects his own weaknesses onto other people & I need to be aware of this.

I need to accept that if we have a business together, my progression is going to progress him in some way. Whether I like it or not, we are linked. I want the new business with him to succeed. I am thinking of taking a lesser share in order to explore other opportunities also. We may be linked, but we are 2 separate people running a business together.

If the company gets really big, then I miss out. My Dad's great at keeping the carrot of future success dangling in my face, but in 8 years we've never got there. We aren't too badly off in the grand scheme of things, but we have failed overall in my opinion.

I would actually rather take less money to be happy.

I still don't feel well, so I think I'm going to go to my 12 step meeting on Saturday instead of tonight. The last thing I want is to make other people ill.

The registration of my new company came through today, which I am thankful for. I am excited to push the business forward.

@crimsonTalker6672

I hear you on sorting out the issues with your dad. Its really challenging to figure these kinds of dynamics out but it sounds like youre doing a fair Amt of self reflection just by beginning to identify what sorts of things are taking place that end up resulting in negative feelings for you. Its really hard just to identify want our actual needs are that arent being met in the first place.

Today is a new day & on the whole I feel good. You know, aside from having the flu because I let myself get run down.

I had a disagreement with my Dad but I haven't disassociated & I feel ok. We run a business together & disagreements are going to happen.

I need to be a lot clearer with regards to what I am. I am a businessman, its what I've always wanted to do & I need to believe it.

I feel frustrated because no payments have come in, but this will be addressed.

I need to rest ahead of a busy weekend. I also want to stop overextending myself for people. I probably get run down because I am hyped up all the time, doing the driving of 3 people & taking on their stress as well. I need to focus on myself & improving my business, physical health & mental state.

I now know there are 3 things I need to focus on not doing. Drinking, gambling & disassociating. If I can not do them 3, I have a chance.

I'm my own man now & I need to start acting like it!

This afternoon though, I'm going to curl up into a ball & sleep, I feel rough as hell!

I love the support network here, I want to give back A LOT in time, because although I'm having ups & downs, on the whole I am in a better place than I have been in 14 years!

@crimsonTalker6672 yay! A disagreement without the disassociation 🎉 thats a big improvement if you would normally disassociate in that situation. Are you able to reflect back and determine what was different about this interaction? What you were thinking, feeling and what you did?

So sorry youre down with the flu..... def time to take it easy and it does sound like youre often super busy so I imagine this is prob a difficult thing to do. Hope you start to feel better soon ❤️

@purpleWest8143 I actually followed the 12 step process & decided I wasn't going to disassociate on that day.

I have slipped over the weekend. I am beginning to realize that these problems are really just in my head!

@crimsonTalker6672 well they are in our head more or less I think? Different types of dissociation.... for me, I think its mostly being overwhelmed and checking out. I think its being overwhelmed with the thoughts and body sensations etc. And not being able to process them and stay present. From my understanding, if I am able to address those things in my interactions, maintain that I am safe in the moment, keep focussed and present it helps me but I know that everyone who experiences dissassociation has a different experience. If your using the 12 steps works for you perfect! It probably has a similar grounding type effect keeping you focussed and in the moment?

Im rotting away in bed right now, but Ive come to some conclusions.

The relationships in my life need to change for me to continue with them.

@wizeakre is right as usual! I am super busy & a lot of it isnt even my own stuff.

I am utterly exhausted. This happens once every few months. I am nearly in tears in bed!

Change needs to happen in my life. Im taking on too much.

My Dad treats me like shit. The way he spoke to me today was not good enough.

He put the women in his life before me. He emotionally neglected me & put me through hell. These are incontrovertible facts. The bad things were never dealt with & I was left helping him.

The fact that he still brings up the stuff his current girlfriend does tells me he has little to no awareness or understanding of how I feel.

In terms of business, I have dealt with his over controlling neurotic ways for too long!

I am at the bottom & ive had enough.

Ive lost pretty much all of my friends. I hate life on the whole.

This isnt me & needs to change!

So, it's a new week.

I have realized I am full of anger & its been making me miserable for quite a long time. I've hated life & happy people in it.

I've given too much thought to the wrong things. I have cared too much about losing my old friends, what my Dads going to do if I mess up & having a clean cut image & reputation.

I believe I've acted like this because I've not had a clear idea of who I am & believed I can get to where I want to go.

I've viewed making good money as something 'ickyy & something to hide, rather than something to be proud of. I've worried so much about being rude to the detriment of my business.

I've read a good portion of Sarah Knights book 'The life changing magic of not giving a f**k' over the weekend & I feel like it is going to tie together all of the other self help books & things I've done.

I've cared about the wrong things. I keep on making plans to focus on what I car about rather than simply diverting my attention away from things I don't care for.

I don't want to hear about my Dads relationship issues.
I don't care about my old friends. They've all got into drugs & I know I can do better.
I don't want to run around for my girlfriend anymore. (I still want to do stuff thats of benefit, not be her butler.)

I believe that trying to focus on too much got me run down & I just needed a break.

What do I care about right now?

Marketing the new business.
Improving the finances of my current business (We are owed a fortune.)
Being a lot more positive!
Moving to the USA.
Taking up buddhism.
Making some new, worthwhile friends.
Clearing of all of my debts.
Helping people on here!

I feel selfish for putting the above as things I want to do, but I simply need to do it. Altruism can come later when I'm in the position to help people.

So this week, I've got several things planned that I want to achieve. The difference is that I'm actually going to focus on this stuff, rathrr than people pleasing.

Just a quick one. I know that work needs to change.

My Dad tries to fill my time with things he should really be doing. It's actually bizarre.

I'm no longer waiting around & I'm going to focus on marketing.

I am going to plan my time around marketing & driving the business forward.

I am sick of feeling wealthy based on money we are owed rather than cash in the bank, it is not true wealth. I am beginning to feel motivated rather than overwhelmed. I am going to plan my week out now & it will be epic!

I can't think of a title for this one! Hey, it actually doesn't matter, that's kind of the point of this post. Ironic, huh?

Today has been a day of realization. I am focusing on things that DO NOT MATTER.

I watched 'The defiant ones' on Netflix over the weekend & one thing stuck with me. It was about Jimmy Iovine & his attitude towards success. To paraphase inaccurately, the message was this "The habits & things you do to become successful aren't the habits & things you do when you are successful. You must adapt & move with the times."

I've read tonnes of self help books & they purport that you change yourself completely to become successful. I am realizing that the KEY factor is fluidity. It is an ability to adapt to any given situation.

I feel as though I'm above doing some of the things I'm doing now, when in reality, I am not. These things are transitional & not permanent, yet they are important to success. I also believe there are keystone habits. These are things that help our state of mind & help us cope with day to day life. These habits stay constant no matter what. Soooo.....

Keystone habits:

Meditation (Daily.)
Diary (Daily.)
Exercise (4 x per week.)
12 step support meeting (1 x per week.)
Getting up early every day.
Know your work priority going into the day.
Stay off social media for personal use in working hours.
Go to the Buddhist centre (1 x per week.)
Challenge myself twice per day.
Make the first working hour of the day the busiest.

Transitional habits right now:

Dropping people off
Working long hours
Doing full on product development.
Chasing up payments
DIY
etc
etc

I'm also going to redo a list of 5-10 goals for the next 6 months of my life.

Pay off all consumer debt.
Have various streams of online revenue that supercedes my current income. MUST BE ONLINE.
Do Buddhism L1 course.
Find a sponsor & do the steps.
Get a new wardrobe.
Do half-marathon in under 2 hours
Bench/Squat/Deadlift record amounts. (This will be 100kg/120kg/150kg.)
Get back under 15% body fat.

I feel like a weight has been lifted. I no longer feel trapped. I know that the things I'm doing now aren't permanent. The trauma I went through is well in the past & I need to keep it there.

I need to work on boundaries with my Dad & I need to be clear as to what they are. Dropping him off at the train station isn't a problem, right now it needs doing & it's not forever.

The menial business tasks need to be more balanced & boundaries need constantly maintaining. I need to ignore him on the non-important stuff.

Yesterday was pretty good.

I'm starting to work in marketing, which is what I love doing.

I got back into the habit of mentally burning myself out. It's been a big problem in my life & I need to stay relaxed every day.

Keystone habits are massively important & I got up at 7am today, which is a bit late, but I felt exhausted. I felt that way because my mind is spinning.

I need to stop taking myself so seriously, stop rushing & take each day as it comes.

If I have goals & I work towards them every day, I will get there eventually. If I do things I'm unhappy with, I need to dust myself off & be better next time.

I need to redefine my morals & whats important to me.

I have a long history of giving people who don't deserve to kick me the ammunition to do so. The sad thing is that they are right & I need to be better.

Its been... 89 days since my last drink & my last bet was pretty much 18 months ago now. Its day 1 of not disassociating.

I feel good & am looking forward to working today.

Till tomorrow, have a good one!

A disease of now.

As an addict & someone suffering from PTSD & probably delayed grief, I have a tendency to want things NOW.

When I was gambling, I wanted to know the result instantly. The fixed odds betting terminals were my poision. Within a minute you could have bet $300, I loved the rush & also not having to wait for the result. When I was drinking, I wanted to rip roaring drunk straight away. I couldn't stand drinking slowly or just have a relaxing drink. I had to get rip roaring drunk as soon as possbile.

I think after my Mom died, wanting things NOW became a habit. More to the point, it was more the aftermath that made me want to escape.

The world became a dark place where bad things DO happen. I didn't want to hear my Dad & his girlfriend screaming & her threatening to kill herself. I didn't want her to kick off when we're in an underground tunnel or in the car, for fear of my own life.

It affects me to this day. If I'm at a restauraunt I need a breather after ten minutes & go to the toilet. I don't really need it, I just want a bit of space. I am actually fearful of sleeping facing my girlfriend, she has NEVER been abusive, but I just struggle really!

To the point. This week, I am going to work hard every day for myself & live in day tight compartments. Further to this I'm going to eat well & not rush around. I am going to put myself first!

Dealing with frustrations.

I deal with frustration a lot. I finally went to the Buddhist centre yesterday & I found it to be fantastic. I meditated for an hour & certainly have felt able to let the little things go since.

I am going to go regularly & make the most of it.

When I came back my Dad had one of his weekly 'meltdowns' he ranted about work & how he has it terribly hard. These meltdowns always seem to be after I've done something non-work related. My work is up to date, I am managing my clients well & in the context of the current business I am doing well.

It absolutely cripples my motivation to be spoke to in this way. The worst bit of it is that he thinks he can ring me up being cheery a couple of hours later & everythings ok. It isn't. I am finally beginning to cope with it, but that doesn't make it right.

I feel guilty but in all honesty I shouldn't. He is very selfish & it hurts. If I go on holidays, which I am entitled to, he sulks. Up until 2016 I was paid a pittance for what i did in the company. If you factor in hours worked it was less than minimum wage. I was certainly below minimum wage up until 2014 & he doesn't see that shows dedication to the company.

I am sick of the indecisiveness we go through & simply want to move forwards. I am gaining myself back & my self esteem is improving day by day.

I cannot control how my Dad feels & feel helpless & guilty when he rants like that. He decided to keep on the clients he is moaning about, not me. He gets overwhelmed, not me. I cannot feel more guilty for working better & being better in myself, it simply can't happen.

I do believe we are in a co-dependent relationship & I want out. I want to have a relationship with my Dad on my own terms.

As I write this I feel upset. I feel full of despair. I know what I need to do but I don't want to do it. It's not a confidence issue. I can do what works when I need to, I just don't want to. I don't want to work with my Dad when he behaves like this. I feel unvalued & unloved. I feel damned if I do & damned if I don't.

It's far better now than its been since 2010 as well, no wonder my head has been in a mess.

I feel as though I'm working for him, not as a partnership. I feel as though he drains the life out of me. I feel as though nothing I do is my own & I am utterly frustrated with it.

He will lie in social situations when there is no gain to be had & play the victim incessently.

When I talk about setting up new businesses its a 'we' thing when it isn't & when he talks about this business it's an 'I' thing.

I need to stand up to him. I cannot tolerate this anymore. If he doesn't change his ways I will sever all business ties completely & move on. I cannot continue down this road.

This may seem light & day from yesterdays post, but it isn't. This is a critical step in me moving forward.

@wizeakre it makes perfect sense, thankyou :)

I need to take a different approach with my Dad. When I'm with him it's like I'm a different person. I become very negative & pessimistic. That isn't my true self. I have always been very happy & positive. In school I was known as the 'smiley' one. Because I work with my Dad I'm with him a lot more than I was previously, this has had an impact on me.

First & foremost I need to be the happy, positive person that I know I am. I also need to work on accepting what has happened in the past & get my version of reality straight, which needs to be based on fact.

I actually wrote a timeline of facts for the therapist when I was going & it was quite upsetting, I have a suspicion that was a factor in my last meltdown into alcohol.

My life particularly from 11-16 was hellish & hasn't been loads better since then. I improved every area in my life that I was in control of. I am not in control of what my Dad did & I was dependent on him, I wasn't abused myself, but I was neglected A LOT.

I should have moved out really, but I didn't & I suffered in silence.

I need to put my emotions first & if something annoys me, I need to stand by it. I need to stop putting my Dads emotions ahead of my own.

In reality, my Dad kicking off should be a small issue now.

In future I'm just going to walk out & demand an apology. I can't change the way he sees things but I can change my behaviour.

Yesterday was interesting.

I am beginning to apply for a masters degree & that ended up being a catalyst for the conversation I needed to have with my Dad.

I always thought the conversation I needed to have was a brutal one, when in fact, it was the opposite.

The one thing I didn't tackle is him berating me. It is a HUGE trigger for me & I can't have it, it ruins me. I will have the conversation with him in a compassionate way & move forward.

Overall I feel peaceful today. I know from this point forward everything will be ok. I have finally begun to turn right & make the correct decisions. I might not get everything right all of the time, but something just clicked yesterday, it's hard to describe. The past 10 years of struggle, reading self help books, going to self help groups & crashing & burning all culminated in a click in my brain yesterday!

I feel $1,000,000! :)

I really do, after many discussions with my Dad I have come to the conclusion that he does believe in me.

My belief is that I have been letting myself down in A LOT of areas in my life pretty consistently for the past 10 years. No-one is to blame for that apart from me. I had some tough experiences & I wasn't supported through them, which is tough, but the longer I keep hold of th
dm, the longer its going to impact my life.

I am a man now & I have the choice to be in a situation or not! I am far better than what I'm doing now & everything about my life doesn't reflect that.

This week I am going to finish my new business & get on my course. If I get rejected, I can handle that & I'll go again.

My posts on here are going to be A LOT more action based. I need to move forward in life & action is what's going to do that.