PTSD Diary

I feel better again today.

Currently, my main issue is maladaptive daydreaming (MD). Most other PTSD symptoms are manageable. I would say that MD is a byproduct of PTSD. I used it as a coping mechanism to deal with trauma.

MD is destructive & in terms of time has been 80% of the issue.

I just need to speak up about it & give it up.

My Dad comes to me for a lot of advice... stepping away from that as well. I am changing my perspective & just empathising.

It's been a while since I've posted here. Nearly 3 years. In that time, I've got married & had a daughter, who is truly the light of my life.

I haven't gambled & I've drank twice. One time was a negligible amount & the other time was a heavy binge.

I am currently on the waiting list to be assessed for ADHD, which isn't something I expected. A lot of the symptoms fit my experience.

As part of that, I will get therapy. I cannot currently afford private counseling.

Overall, I still feel pretty bad. There are elements of my life that I love & others that I don't. I still work with my Dad & that's the main struggle. I'm not sure if its the work or the relationship, probably a bit of both. I am in debt as a result of the business not performing. I've lived off credit to keep the business going. That's currently the biggest problem in my life. The business is just me & my Dad, so it's something we need to deal with.

I've been thinking about my previous post.

I've been doing what I do for 12 years. It's a long time & it's been filled with negatives. I am running a business with the person who has caused probably the most harm in my life. He doesn't realize it either.

The problems I see are as follows:

• I am socially anxious & therefore struggle to do the sales aspect of the job.
• I struggle with focus & as a result the business is disorganized.
• My Dad is emotionally volatile & offloads his problems on to me, which really stresses me out.
• My Dad doesn't think he can handle any more work, when most months the work he completes doesn't result in a profit.
• My work consists of things my Dad doesn't want to do. Because of my social anxiety, a sales role in the business doesn't exist, so I end up doing this stuff anyway.

I guess I need to consider whether or not I can manage my Dad in the right way to generate a profit.

Didn't mean to hit post on that last one.

I think a lot of the business is based on motivation, which isn't reliable. Things just need doing irrespective of how I feel. Our feelings are running the business & that doesn't result in profit.

The current business problems are an extension of the trauma & emotional problems that have occurred. Since my Moms death in 2004, things haven't been good. I shut down completely & my role became to protect my Dad. It's like I'm living in a parallel universe to the one that I grew up in.

I don't know how I feel. I don't know if I want to run this business. I feel numb. If I keep going the way I am, I will end up completely broke & with everyone around me hating me. That doesn't make me change my checked out behavior though. It doesn't make me want to change my behavior. I feel like I need to, but I don't really want to.

I think I have my answer. Motivation doesn't matter. Rather than taking action to change my life, I'm trying to motivate myself into doing it. I know roughly what the right things to do are.

Like stopping gambling & drinking. If I can set up a structure that enables me to succeed, irrespective of whether I'm motivated or not, then I think I'll feel better in the long run.

I know I don't like feeling like a failure & that feels normal to me now. It has since my Mom died.

I actually do feel a lot better for posting here today.

Going to download the streaks app tomorrow to set targets & keep up with them. I can't do it now because downloading apps is blocked on my phone.

I think to do better, I have to do the opposite of what I’ve done so far.

Instead of making big goals & trying to sprint forward in life, I’m going to set really small goals with vague overarching long term goals.

The purpose of this thread is to keep me accountable.

Today I've been to the gym & downloaded the streaks app, which I really hope will help me build good habits.

Focusing on the big picture doesn't work. It just stresses me out. I can focus on today though. I can have a structure that enables me to succeed, irrespective of motivation. Motivation isn't reliable generally & it definitely isn't reliable for someone who suspects they have ADHD.

I'll check in at the end of the day.

Things are starting to get better. I felt really frustrated over the weekend & I think that's because I didn't do the things that I wanted to do on Friday.

Work is causing most if not all of the issues in my life right now. As previously stated I work with my Dad & he is one of the biggest causes of harm in my life. I need to learn how to manage him better. Work often devolves into him talking about personal issues & berating the situation that we're in. It doesn't change anything & it renders me unable to work. I'm starting to think that there is something a bit deeper with my Dad. He is unaware of how his behavior affects other people. Most of his relationships are poor & truthfully I would have walked away a long time ago if he wasn't my Dad.

I feel good for the first time in a long, long time. I know I have tough things ahead, but I think I can deal with them.

I've actually done a good job of building a good life. For that, I'm proud of myself. The one area I need to figure out is work & I'll do that. I'm confident that I can figure it out a day at a time.

Feeling a bit stuck right now. Had a good couple of days, but today seems to be a bit of a struggle. I'm not progressing with work like I did yesterday.

My Gran is in hospital, but the procrastination today pre-dates that. It's a worry & I'll figure it out.

I think this was coming on last night. I felt anxious as I was finishing & it's carried over to today.

I think I just need to do something to break the pattern. I also need to progress when I feel this way, rather than give up. It feels abnormal for me to progress & I think that is a big part of why I stop.

I need to be more assertive in life.

I avoid problems & drift off into my own world. I don't think I can change things, so I don't. I accept the status quo & don't challenge people. I then wind up regretting it.

It's probably the biggest change I need to make & the root cause of my situation. A lack of assertiveness/ confidence.

@crimsonTalker6672

I just read your entire diary. You have been on a tough path and I'm sorry. If you need any help feel free to message me :)

Thanks @mallow010, likewise.

Gotta start heading in a direction, rather than what I'm doing now.

Things are tough & I have to change what I'm doing, or they will stay tough.

My Gran is in hospital. It's tough, she has dementia. It puts things into perspective. An MMA fighter died last night/ today as well. Not sure why, but that hits hard as well.

A big part of me is getting my head round the fact that I'm only going to live once & I need to make the most of it.

I'm putting a lot of stock in getting diagnosed with ADHD & getting medication for it. This could take a long time & may not help that much. There are a lot of other things for me to work on & it doesn't excuse bad behavior.

The issues I think I have are as follows:

• Social Anxiety.
• ADHD.
• PTSD.
• Depression.

I think feeling depressed is somewhat situational & happens as a result of having ADHD/ PTSD. Social anxiety links to trauma & being bullied.

I have to work hard on behavioral techniques to manage these things & move forward. I think the anxiety, depression & PTSD can be 'cured' for want of a better term. ADHD tends to be lifelong & there is treatment available if I get diagnosed with it, which I'm pretty certain I will.

In the meantime, I need to focus on managing the symptoms as best as I can. I need to accept it completely & do what I need to do to get by. I am lactose intolerant, this is no different. If I was to have milk, I would be ill. I have ADHD, I need to use techniques that help me manage it.

Hoping to have a good week this week.

Feeling really anxious today. Got to sort out finances & they are a mess as a result of me not working properly. It's devastating & something I really need to sort out.

I'm doing work now & I feel really anxious. I know I will feel better for getting it done, but that doesn't change the fact I really struggle to do it.

Working properly & earning more money would solve most of the practical problems in my life at the minute.

I actually think that would resolve a good chunk of the depressive type symptoms that I currently suffer from.

I had social anxiety issues when I was younger, I resolved a lot of them, but I currently suffer with it & it affects my work. I don't chase up payments because I'm anxious about it. I have improved quite a lot, but it needs to change. I think the main I'm going to do this is by exposure therapy. I'm just going to put myself out there, consistently & I think it will get better.

I don't really struggle to function on a basic level. I get up, go to the gym, brush my teeth & get to my desk in good time. It's when I'm at my desk that I struggle. I am having a much better day today, but I feel worse. I need to get past the anxiety because it stops me from doing my job on a basic level. I get anxious about tasks that I would have to do in most jobs.

I work for myself & it's lonely at times. I need to make more friends. I lost a lot over the years as I didn't stand up for myself. I put myself in a situation wherr I didn't do much wrong but ended up losing out.

Yesterday was a good day. I did what I set out to do for the first time in a long time. I also made a plan to pay off my debts & that really helps. I have a goal to strive for. We booked a family holiday as well.

Read a post on the main feed about existential perfectionism. It resonated with me & more so, it reminded me of my Dad. I've fell into that trap quite a bit as well. Thought that things should be different than they are, rather than accepting reality.

I feel good today & I need to remember what got me here. No yo-yoing. I get in a good place & then relax, ending up back in a bad place.

I don't really have too much more to add at the minute. I think that's good. Getting up early & hitting the gym is important. It's important for me to remember these things.

I think it's good for me to be quite black & white. I am cutting out snacks & soda. If I have snacks, it will lead to soda, so it's best for me to not have any of it. It's the right thing to do. It will probably help me feel less anxious.

Getting things out here helps as well.

Today's a little bit tougher. Spoke to a friend for nearly an hour & had to drive my wife & daughter around. It's mainly good stuff, but it's also a bit of a distraction. It's good that I have my pointers to stay on track. I am determined to do this today & I can still get it done. It's about feedback & improvement. Social contact seems to distract me, but I crave social contact because I work by myself.

I got everything done yesterday. I am learning each day. I was doing stuff until 9:30pm, which isn't that ideal, but I will take that onboard.

I seem to operate best when there's no slack.

A lot of stuff seems to be fading into the background because I'm dealing with my own stuff. I'm not thinking of my Dad as much & I'm not obsessing about stuff.

That's good. I do have a lot to sort out & some of it is really tough, but it's necessary to move forward.

Doing small & consistent things seems to be better than doing large things inconsistently. It's tempting to do more, but sometimes that isn't the right option.

I am communicating with my Dad less, which does help. The communication we have is much more relevant & not obsessive about his issues. This really helps.

Day 3 & it's my biggest challenge yet. I'm actively being pushed away from my work & it's stressing me out. I'm doing really well & it's frustrating. It's definitely been an issue over the years with a variety of people.

I feel angry, but when it comes to expressing myself, I tend to shut down. I have got most of the things done on my to-do, I just find it really annoying.

I need to set boundaries, tomorrow will be different.

My emotional dysregulation cost me yesterday. I didn't complete all of my streaks & it was as a direct result of me not controlling my emotions. I didn't shout at anyone, it was when I was by myself.

Some things are eating away at me a little bit & I need to accept them & move on. It feels unfair. The good thing is that I'm getting more social interaction now. For a long time, it was really limited & it was a problem.

The good thing is that I can acknowledge the problem now. In the past I would stay angry for days & it would spiral out of control.

I am going to adapt & have a better day today. I need to show more emotional control.

I have also decided what I want to do. I love coding & I'm going to pursue that within my own business. Part of my job is sales. I don't want to do outbound cold calling, so I've made the decision to not do it. I will market, send emails & network, but I'm not cold calling. I think it's outdated & it doesn't suit me.

I am building a product that can be sold online. I like working on my laptop & the ability to work from anywhere most of the time. I've never really decided what I want to do & I've not looked at what suits me.

I've felt as though I should be able to do anything I put my mind to & I think it's probably another example of existential perfectionism. It just isn't true. Some things are going to suit me & some aren't. I can't just force myself to do things & expect it work.

So much of this comes down to a lack of boundaries/ assertiveness. I'm only now realizing how deep it goes.

It's affected my life so much, it's unbelievable. Lost friendships & so on. It really needs to change & underpins a lot of my issues. From my marriage, to my Dad, to my friends, to work. It's apparent in everything. There are other things to change, there's no doubt about that, but this is the big one!

Feeling better today.

I need to not let things bother me so much. It's easy for me to get dysregulated & it doesn't help. Not at all, the only person I'm hurting is me.

It could be part of ADHD or PTSD.

Fell off the path a little this weekend. Ate a lot of rubbish etc. Did manage to relax, which I need to do from time to time.

My Dad came round & triggered me a little. I feel okay enough about it now though.

Tweaking my targets to be more focused around goals, rather than arbitrary things that don't change anything.

I get one life, it seems a shame to waste it being caught in limbo. Had to remove this sentence as well. I get it, but the point is I've felt numb & void of purpose for a while.

I just have to focus on getting better. The labels don't matter, what matters is improving & living life.

I had a paragraph typed out that I'm getting a warning message on. The moral of the story is that life is a gift.

Thinking about crisis, I'm definitely not in crisis. I probably have been for a while & ignored it, but definitely not now. Today, I feel good.

Anxiety has a tendency to knock me off my feet. I feel a bit of anxiety & it knocks me offline. I give up & then I feel more anxious. I'm used to things being bad, so it's normal for me.

Got a sale in already this week, which is great. Interesting in the gym this morning. I was able to do more by changing my mindset. I think I am underestimating myself & not putting enough effort in. There are a lot of things I can do that I'm not doing because they're challenging.

I cannot go back to the dark place. I have to move forward into the light. I cannot let my Dads issues drag me down & depress me. It cannot happen anymore. I have to be tougher to it. It's important.

Places I've been in the past helped me acknowledge that I had an issue, but didn't help solve anything really. I have to do that work myself.

It would have been my Moms birthday today. I feel quite sad about it. It's odd, because in some ways I feel as though I should celebrate her birthday, but it still feels sad.

I didn't get up early as usual & was pretty anxious this morning. I dealt with a couple of problems yesterday & it was legit progress. I just have to back it up with the work this week. Got to travel for work tomorrow & I really don't want to. I'd rather be working remotely. I guess that's the goal to strive for.

I am motivated by competition. I'm learning a language on Duolingo & it's helping that I'm competing in a league. I think i need to find the competition at work. Maybe the motivation is to compete with my Dad. Not sure.

A question that popped into my head is "Am I here because my Mom died?" I'm not sure on the answer to that. I'm not sure if that's what I struggle with. Maybe it's more about ADHD than I realized. MY Mom did really help me with that though, so in a way it probably is about that. Once I'm doing something, I'm okay.

I can't say I feel really down about my Moms death at this point. Nor have I felt that way for a long time. It's probably a mix of depression, PTSD & ADHD. Maybe I'm just numb to everything. Not put effort into the right things for a long time.

I was a 'gifted' child & that doesn't help. Sure, I could hit the top of the class with relative ease, but what does that matter if I don't do stuff consistently.

Feeling rubbish today & I'm not sure why. I've been out to a job site & done some good work.

In some ways I think I need to toughen up. By that I mean regulate my emotions better. I can only do that by accepting them.

I think I shut down completely through stress. The stress of being bullied & the stress of feeling like an idiot most of the time. The stress of taking on my Dads problems & not being able to express how I really felt about that. I feel taken advantage of.

For some reason I feel free. I'm not sure why this is. It's a good feeling. I sat for half an hour with my dog & when I came round, everything felt a lot lighter. I'm looking forward to the gym tomorrow & moving forward. I feel better than I have in years. I think I've processed some emotion, more on this tomorrow. I have a busy evening ahead.

Making progress doesn't mean being perfect. I can't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. It's not about getting it right 100% of the time, it's about being on the path & moving forward as best I can.

I saved a Reddit post about being in limbo & I honestly think that's where I've been for a long time. Years wasted daydreaming & being down. Getting myself into terrible situations & feeling terrible.

I've changed in big ways quickly before & I can do it now. The Time is now. Everything else needs to fade into the background.

A couple of hours without my phone. Wow, I feel less stressed. I think the internet & social media are big distractions for me. If I didn't go on, or I minimized the time I spent on social media, I would have probably 20-30 hours a week extra time. I like reddit & I do like social media, but it is addictive, it is a distraction & it doesn't really benefit my life. Some bits of Reddit do, because it's curated, but other things don't.

Good weekend.

Got to spent some quality 1-1 time with my daughter, which was great.

I got a sauna this morning & was sat in the pool cooling down after it. It dawned on me that I need to change & the biggest area I need to do that is socially. I am socially anxious to.a very unhealthy degree. I think this probably stems from being bullied, not functioning properly due to ADHD & a very critical parent.

I think I can learn better social skills. I have done it before.

I am pretty shut down when it comes to showing emotions. I struggle to be myself. We were at a friends house the other day & I was playing with the kids. Having fun felt alien & I felt really self conscious.

When I was out working last week, I had to socialize & I found it tough. I got through it, but it was really tough. I'm not sure if I'm bad at it, or I'm just really out of practice due to my routine. I'm on my own most of the time.

I know it's something I have to change to move forward in my life. It's one thing to be quiet & reserved, it's another to have no friends & get walked over in a lot of social situations.

Feel really anxious this afternoon. It dawns on my that I think I need to change & a big part of that is dropping the ego.

When I was a loser with no friends, it was easy to change because I knew that I had to. That changed & as a result I have felt entitled in some ways, that needs to change.

I think it's okay to be anxious & I've felt as though it's not. No shock there. Feelings are not encouraged in my family.

What harms me is not working or getting stuff, which leads to me getting behind on my bills.

Changing how I feel won't change my life. Changing what I do will. On some level, anxiety/ stress is good. It's normal as well. Especially considering my current situation.

Little follow up message to this.

I think it's important for me to use anxiety to my advantage & try to make it my friend, rather than my enemy. A few years ago, I could never have dreamed of chairing a recovery meeting, now I do it with little anxiety. I should have a bit because it's important to pay attention.

I can take this approach to other areas of my life as well. Things can change & I can do it. I've been trying to kill anxiety for such a long time. That just forces it to the forefront.

I have to push myself, because the things I'm not doing aren't normal. I need to be able to work & run my business properly. ADHD is one issue, social anxiety is another.

Tough day yesterday. My wife is frustrated with me because of things I haven't done. I don't disagree with her, there is a lot of stuff I should have done & haven't been able to do. I seem to freeze up & I'm not sure why. I feel like I do a lot, but there are some things that I really struggle with.

It hurts, because I really am trying & there isn't ill intent behind me not doing things. I forget or am anxious. I just need to do better.

I think I need to make enough money to pay for a private ADHD assessment. If I can get diagnosed & get treatment, I think it'll be a huge help.

Hard but important conversations today. My life is tough & I don't see that changing for quite a while. I have to change my business & make money, my business isn't making money because of my mental health.

The truth is that I have to help myself. We don't have a big support network, if much at all.

Time to dig deep & fight it out.

ADHD is winning at the minute. It's tough, & I need to change somehow, but I'm not sure how I do that.

I guess acceptance is part of it.