PTSD Diary

I feel thoughtful today.

I am changing what I do & don't care about. I am focussing on what I do care about & channelling my efforts into it!

I have always felt as though I haven't had the time to grieve & move on. I spend time alone worked up to the top to avoid my feeliings & blame other people for the way I feel. It's all to protect myself.

I look at a lot of the things people say & it is predominantly self-preservations & avoidance of the truth.

My truth is that I lost my Mom, had 2 lots of being bullied & my Dad was in terrible relationships when I was younger. These things weren't dealt with healthily by me or the people around me & it left me with scars. My lack of performance at work & my stupid behavior probably originates from the way I dealt with all of the above.

I forced my way through the bullying when I was younger to become popular in high school & it took a lot.

I have decided to come off social media for the meantime. Now I am not participating in football this year, I have no reason to be on it. I have had ten years of overusing social media & I want a break from it all.

I will still use social media for work purposes, but for now I've had enough.

I am not going to be pushed around anymore!

100th Post.

I feel reflective today on the 100 posts I've made since I started this thread. I believe I am finally making progress & feel much better in myself.

I am working on self acceptance & love, rather than constantly putting myself down. I have accepted that my problems are mental & I have a lot of work to do.

I have up days & down days, I feel great today, but felt crappy on Tuesday. The 2 crucials areas for me to work on are my self esteem & performance at work.

My relationship with my Dad has improved a lot lately & I believe we are making progress. This progress is very new, but I do feel good about it. I feel as though my Dad has less potential to ruin my day now.

Being in 12 step rooms helps a lot, it gives me a sense of belonging. We all communicate outside of the rooms as well which is great. I feel as though I will make some good friends.

I want to improve my social life outside of the rooms over the next few months. If I get on the course I want to do, it will help as well joining a running club & going to the buddhist centre. I definitely can be more social with work as well.

I view my childhood as 2 distinct parts. The first part is before trauma up until age 12 & the second part being after that. I am trying to let things go, be compassionate & see the positives from the trauma.

My relationship may frustrate me on some levels, but because of what I've been through, I have a zero tolerance policy for abuse. I could have easily embarked on abusive relationships myself. It is improving slowly & I can accept that my weak behavior has led me to where I am in all areas of my life.

My business is in an OK position, but it could be better & I will make this happen. It is my number one priority this year, followed by improving my health & fitness.

I have been a lot more consistent this year in a lot of ways & the business is probably further down the line than I give myself credit for. I have improved socially & consistently made it to 12 step meetings. I am aware of where I need to improve & I am trying not to be obsessive about self improvement.

I feel pretty down today.

I have realized I will not be fit enough to complete the half marathon. It is completely on me, I haven't trained enough. There is one in October though so I'm going to do that.

I am pretty sick of feeling miserable a lot of the time. I know I am not fantastic company right now & I know I'm not fulfilling my potential.

I am sick of social media, I see reminders from people I don't want in my life, yet I lack the conviction to delete them. I also see things that I missing out on & it makes me feel bad!

I felt better last week when I deleted the apps, so I think I just need to do it. The thing that frustrates me is that I know that social media is a facade & life isn't like that, but it still gets to me.

My ex-girlfriend has had a baby & I've thought about that a bit. I have zero feelings for her & I don't want kids yet. If a kid came along, I would be over the moon, but for now it can wait.

Well I'm lying when I say I have zero feelings for her. I have an overall dislike for that period in my life, her included. I went out with someone who was far beneath me on a lot of levels.

My frustration is that I consistently stoop to a level below what I'm capable of. I do this consistently in all areas of my life.

Now I'm not involved in any group on there, I have no reason to be on social media aside from work purposes. (I manage our social media accounts.)

I had a conversation with my girlfriend about moving away & she didn't seem keen on it for the first time. It is a life goal of mine & it will not change no matter what.

My gut feeling tells me that she is low on confidence right now & feels as though she wouldn't cope moving abroad with me. She knows it is something I want & for the first time we are at a crossroads in our relationship. I want one thing & she isn't sure.

I am terrified of living in a small town all of my life, it isn't for me. I'm nearly 26 & the time is now. I am suffering from a chronic lack of motivation & that needs to be addressed.

I went through a similar period from 12-15 & I got through it, so I know I can do it again!

I need to put one foot in front of the other & progress, even if it scares me!

Today is a new beginning.

I am beginning a new recovery.

i have abstained from the negative aspect of my life but not moved forward.

today I begin to move.

I have been an idiot in the past, but no more.

i am going to do the steps & be open about my issues! No more pity party for me.

Yesterday was a short post & I'm going to put more meat on the bones today.

I have been living a lie. No-one in my life aside from my Dad knows or even has a clue about the depths of my issues.

I need to accept myself & be comfortable in my own skin. Part of that is showing myself to the world both good & bad. I'm not going to go & shout from the rooftops that I am an addict & have suffered with PTSD, but I am going to tell my friends & family about my struggles on some level.

The longer I am ashamed of the things I did & how I've felt, the longer I keep hold of it.

I'm not looking for acceptance, I'm just looking for closure.

Showing emotions is something that is frowned upon in my family. When my Mom died, I accepted that I would come second to other peoples emotions & was too understanding of other people. If I was on a plane I would have put on everyone elses oxygen mask to leave myself to perish.

I can't change what has gone on, but I can make my perception of reality very clear. Between 12-16 I was let down severely by everyone around me. I wasn't perfect, but I put myself second & that wasn't good enough.

Monday was a turning point for me, I went to the cemetry feeling really low again & concluded I need to accept myself rather trying to fight everything.

I need to burn the bridges to my old life & not look back. I know what I want & I know I have the tools to get myself there.

Summer 18 is going to be good, I'm determined to make it that way. I'm logging out of social media for the next 90 days at a minimum & going to focus on my work, fitness & mental health. I am going to do a half marathon in October & start training properly now.

Finally, some good! :)

I've finally deactivated social media. I'm not viewing it as a permanent thing, I'm going to do 90 days & see if I feel better. I didn't have the apps on my phone last night & I felt better for it.

I've stopped sharing my mobile number at work & that will help me actually leave the office when I go home.

My Dad views his work as the utmost priority for the business & uses me as an emotional punchbag because he doesn't like it. I have not had the strength to push for what I do in the business, which is changing today. My feeling is that I've let this happen. I got overly emotional & fell into manipulative traps. I put my Dads feelings & wishes before my own, which isn't good enough from my point of view.

I need to improve with work & it begins with me believing in myself & not settling for mediocrity. I know that what I do is the key for the long term success of the business & my priority. I am organized & on top of my work now.

Today I am going to prioritize my own work & finish on time without feeling bad for doing so. I am going to progress my side of the business & lift the veil of importance that my Dad has.

I have accepted being submissive in a lot of my relationships, which to be truthful, I'm not happy with. I have not functioned properly since my Mom died & thats going to change.

I'm off social media. I'm not drinking. I'm not gambling.

I've not had all 3 of them together since I was 12.

I'm not running anymore & I'm ready for the fight. I'm ready to fight for what I want & get the respect that is owed to me.

Today has been a good/bad day so far!

I woke up feeling really low this morning & struggled to pull myself out of it!

Full honesty time right now..

I have been in denial about whether or not I've suffered with PTSD. Because my trauma has never been acknowledged or spoken about I've felt as though it hasn't been real.

Equally, my symptoms do not fully fit PTSD, but having looked on mind today, they fit complex-PTSD perfectly! It's like describing me. I suffer horrendous emotional flasbacks & feel hostile towards the world.

Over the past 6 months, I have managed the symptoms, but not dealt with the root issues relating to my situation. going to GA & the Buddhist centre is great to manage the flashbacks & other symptoms of PTSD, but doesn't begin to address the actual issue. That's why I can go along ok for a while and then be as low as I have been.

I need a sense of identity. I need progress in my relationship with my Dad, which to me, is the root cause of all this! He put me in a plethora of situations that weren't right & I need him to accept that & be acknoweldged & build a healthy relationship moving forward. I will walk away from the relationship completely should this not happen. This is the first step on my route to recovery.

I've ordered a tonne of books & am going to get back in therapy in the long run, as well as getting back track with the things that help to manage my symptoms.

I feel better today.

Yesterday was not good but it needed to happen to enable me to grow.

I slept much better because I meditated before going to sleep. I believe sleep is an issue for me because a lot of arguments went on at night, so I had to disassociate to go to sleep!

I am going to commit to the therapy process. I am trying the therapy out on here & will see how it goes. I got burned last time really. I paid over $1000 for therapy to be told I have PTSD. To be honest I think that should have been apparent after a couple of sessions.

When I read my diary, it now seems obvious & it seems bizarre that I've fought against suffering from it. I've thought that I've been making up how I feel, that I'm too soft & am going crazy.

My Grandparents saw what was going on & they didn't even say anything!

I can be very all or nothing & try to build Rome in a day. It doesn't work that way. I've been trying to sprint a marathon.

I've had lengthy discussions with my girlfriend & we both believe it is important in the long run to confront my Dad in some way. I think this is a critical but petrifying part of the recovery process.

I also need to talk to my remaining close friends & family members to

I've ordered Pete Walkers books & am going to read them!

The trauma probably warps my view of my childhood, but I'm not sure.

I know a bit about CBT & I'm sick of doing the basics. I can accept CBT on a logical level, but emotionally I struggle.

I set lofty goals to put on a good social front & look as if I have everything figured out when in reality all I am is a scared child who hasn't got past losing his Mum & struggles with the aftermath of it all.

I need to accept that I am building myself up from the bottom. I have few friends, I'm not sure if its my fault, but all I know is that I'm alone.

I need to accept that I am suffering from a mental illness & that is my priority. I know if I make strides in recovering from this, my work will get better & my social life.

@wizeakre I've just done the first couple of steps of the ACT guide on here.

My gut feeling is that it will work. I do meditate & it does significantly reduce my symptoms. When I went to the buddhist centre & meditated for an hour, I felt the best that I have in a long time.

Having done a quick search, it makes sense that DBT would work for me as cPTSD can often be confused with BPD, even though it isn't. I look at the symptoms of BPD & they just don't fit at all.

I did the Myer-Briggs test & everything was very balanced. I do believe at heart I am a balanced person & the test I have is getting past these traumatic experiences!

Things are tough right now.

I know what I need to do, but that doesn't make it easy.

I need to hold my Dad accountable for the things that have gone on in the past.

I've been down for years & I've thought that's been because of the trauma. I've realized that the trauma is largely irrelevant, it's how I've related to the trauma.

Holding my Dad accountable for his role in the trauma is important to me because I need to move on from it & gain my self respect back.

This is the point in my recovery where I usually bail out & do something stupid like go for a bet or a bender! This time I am determined to take the other path & improve my life.

I can't say I haven't been tempted to have a bet today, but I have resisted the temptation.

My life overall is pretty good. I have a nice house, car, dogs & I've still not been happy!

How I relate to the trauma has permeated every relationship in my life, because I learnt not to stand up for myself & protect others. I don't stand up for myself & this causes issues. I didn't stand up for myself before the trauma, & it was probably a perfect storm a character traits & situations that led to me suffering with cPTSD.

The more I hit the gym & my testosterone levels go up, the less willing I become to tolerate bullshit.

I need to forgive myself for how I behaved & realise that everything isn't my fault.

Conversation with my Dad is going to happen imminently, I will post after it!