PTSD Diary

Im rotting away in bed right now, but Ive come to some conclusions.

The relationships in my life need to change for me to continue with them.

@wizeakre is right as usual! I am super busy & a lot of it isnt even my own stuff.

I am utterly exhausted. This happens once every few months. I am nearly in tears in bed!

Change needs to happen in my life. Im taking on too much.

My Dad treats me like shit. The way he spoke to me today was not good enough.

He put the women in his life before me. He emotionally neglected me & put me through hell. These are incontrovertible facts. The bad things were never dealt with & I was left helping him.

The fact that he still brings up the stuff his current girlfriend does tells me he has little to no awareness or understanding of how I feel.

In terms of business, I have dealt with his over controlling neurotic ways for too long!

I am at the bottom & ive had enough.

Ive lost pretty much all of my friends. I hate life on the whole.

This isnt me & needs to change!

So, it's a new week.

I have realized I am full of anger & its been making me miserable for quite a long time. I've hated life & happy people in it.

I've given too much thought to the wrong things. I have cared too much about losing my old friends, what my Dads going to do if I mess up & having a clean cut image & reputation.

I believe I've acted like this because I've not had a clear idea of who I am & believed I can get to where I want to go.

I've viewed making good money as something 'ickyy & something to hide, rather than something to be proud of. I've worried so much about being rude to the detriment of my business.

I've read a good portion of Sarah Knights book 'The life changing magic of not giving a f**k' over the weekend & I feel like it is going to tie together all of the other self help books & things I've done.

I've cared about the wrong things. I keep on making plans to focus on what I car about rather than simply diverting my attention away from things I don't care for.

I don't want to hear about my Dads relationship issues.
I don't care about my old friends. They've all got into drugs & I know I can do better.
I don't want to run around for my girlfriend anymore. (I still want to do stuff thats of benefit, not be her butler.)

I believe that trying to focus on too much got me run down & I just needed a break.

What do I care about right now?

Marketing the new business.
Improving the finances of my current business (We are owed a fortune.)
Being a lot more positive!
Moving to the USA.
Taking up buddhism.
Making some new, worthwhile friends.
Clearing of all of my debts.
Helping people on here!

I feel selfish for putting the above as things I want to do, but I simply need to do it. Altruism can come later when I'm in the position to help people.

So this week, I've got several things planned that I want to achieve. The difference is that I'm actually going to focus on this stuff, rathrr than people pleasing.

Just a quick one. I know that work needs to change.

My Dad tries to fill my time with things he should really be doing. It's actually bizarre.

I'm no longer waiting around & I'm going to focus on marketing.

I am going to plan my time around marketing & driving the business forward.

I am sick of feeling wealthy based on money we are owed rather than cash in the bank, it is not true wealth. I am beginning to feel motivated rather than overwhelmed. I am going to plan my week out now & it will be epic!

I can't think of a title for this one! Hey, it actually doesn't matter, that's kind of the point of this post. Ironic, huh?

Today has been a day of realization. I am focusing on things that DO NOT MATTER.

I watched 'The defiant ones' on Netflix over the weekend & one thing stuck with me. It was about Jimmy Iovine & his attitude towards success. To paraphase inaccurately, the message was this "The habits & things you do to become successful aren't the habits & things you do when you are successful. You must adapt & move with the times."

I've read tonnes of self help books & they purport that you change yourself completely to become successful. I am realizing that the KEY factor is fluidity. It is an ability to adapt to any given situation.

I feel as though I'm above doing some of the things I'm doing now, when in reality, I am not. These things are transitional & not permanent, yet they are important to success. I also believe there are keystone habits. These are things that help our state of mind & help us cope with day to day life. These habits stay constant no matter what. Soooo.....

Keystone habits:

Meditation (Daily.)
Diary (Daily.)
Exercise (4 x per week.)
12 step support meeting (1 x per week.)
Getting up early every day.
Know your work priority going into the day.
Stay off social media for personal use in working hours.
Go to the Buddhist centre (1 x per week.)
Challenge myself twice per day.
Make the first working hour of the day the busiest.

Transitional habits right now:

Dropping people off
Working long hours
Doing full on product development.
Chasing up payments
DIY
etc
etc

I'm also going to redo a list of 5-10 goals for the next 6 months of my life.

Pay off all consumer debt.
Have various streams of online revenue that supercedes my current income. MUST BE ONLINE.
Do Buddhism L1 course.
Find a sponsor & do the steps.
Get a new wardrobe.
Do half-marathon in under 2 hours
Bench/Squat/Deadlift record amounts. (This will be 100kg/120kg/150kg.)
Get back under 15% body fat.

I feel like a weight has been lifted. I no longer feel trapped. I know that the things I'm doing now aren't permanent. The trauma I went through is well in the past & I need to keep it there.

I need to work on boundaries with my Dad & I need to be clear as to what they are. Dropping him off at the train station isn't a problem, right now it needs doing & it's not forever.

The menial business tasks need to be more balanced & boundaries need constantly maintaining. I need to ignore him on the non-important stuff.

Yesterday was pretty good.

I'm starting to work in marketing, which is what I love doing.

I got back into the habit of mentally burning myself out. It's been a big problem in my life & I need to stay relaxed every day.

Keystone habits are massively important & I got up at 7am today, which is a bit late, but I felt exhausted. I felt that way because my mind is spinning.

I need to stop taking myself so seriously, stop rushing & take each day as it comes.

If I have goals & I work towards them every day, I will get there eventually. If I do things I'm unhappy with, I need to dust myself off & be better next time.

I need to redefine my morals & whats important to me.

I have a long history of giving people who don't deserve to kick me the ammunition to do so. The sad thing is that they are right & I need to be better.

Its been... 89 days since my last drink & my last bet was pretty much 18 months ago now. Its day 1 of not disassociating.

I feel good & am looking forward to working today.

Till tomorrow, have a good one!

A disease of now.

As an addict & someone suffering from PTSD & probably delayed grief, I have a tendency to want things NOW.

When I was gambling, I wanted to know the result instantly. The fixed odds betting terminals were my poision. Within a minute you could have bet $300, I loved the rush & also not having to wait for the result. When I was drinking, I wanted to rip roaring drunk straight away. I couldn't stand drinking slowly or just have a relaxing drink. I had to get rip roaring drunk as soon as possbile.

I think after my Mom died, wanting things NOW became a habit. More to the point, it was more the aftermath that made me want to escape.

The world became a dark place where bad things DO happen. I didn't want to hear my Dad & his girlfriend screaming & her threatening to kill herself. I didn't want her to kick off when we're in an underground tunnel or in the car, for fear of my own life.

It affects me to this day. If I'm at a restauraunt I need a breather after ten minutes & go to the toilet. I don't really need it, I just want a bit of space. I am actually fearful of sleeping facing my girlfriend, she has NEVER been abusive, but I just struggle really!

To the point. This week, I am going to work hard every day for myself & live in day tight compartments. Further to this I'm going to eat well & not rush around. I am going to put myself first!

Dealing with frustrations.

I deal with frustration a lot. I finally went to the Buddhist centre yesterday & I found it to be fantastic. I meditated for an hour & certainly have felt able to let the little things go since.

I am going to go regularly & make the most of it.

When I came back my Dad had one of his weekly 'meltdowns' he ranted about work & how he has it terribly hard. These meltdowns always seem to be after I've done something non-work related. My work is up to date, I am managing my clients well & in the context of the current business I am doing well.

It absolutely cripples my motivation to be spoke to in this way. The worst bit of it is that he thinks he can ring me up being cheery a couple of hours later & everythings ok. It isn't. I am finally beginning to cope with it, but that doesn't make it right.

I feel guilty but in all honesty I shouldn't. He is very selfish & it hurts. If I go on holidays, which I am entitled to, he sulks. Up until 2016 I was paid a pittance for what i did in the company. If you factor in hours worked it was less than minimum wage. I was certainly below minimum wage up until 2014 & he doesn't see that shows dedication to the company.

I am sick of the indecisiveness we go through & simply want to move forwards. I am gaining myself back & my self esteem is improving day by day.

I cannot control how my Dad feels & feel helpless & guilty when he rants like that. He decided to keep on the clients he is moaning about, not me. He gets overwhelmed, not me. I cannot feel more guilty for working better & being better in myself, it simply can't happen.

I do believe we are in a co-dependent relationship & I want out. I want to have a relationship with my Dad on my own terms.

As I write this I feel upset. I feel full of despair. I know what I need to do but I don't want to do it. It's not a confidence issue. I can do what works when I need to, I just don't want to. I don't want to work with my Dad when he behaves like this. I feel unvalued & unloved. I feel damned if I do & damned if I don't.

It's far better now than its been since 2010 as well, no wonder my head has been in a mess.

I feel as though I'm working for him, not as a partnership. I feel as though he drains the life out of me. I feel as though nothing I do is my own & I am utterly frustrated with it.

He will lie in social situations when there is no gain to be had & play the victim incessently.

When I talk about setting up new businesses its a 'we' thing when it isn't & when he talks about this business it's an 'I' thing.

I need to stand up to him. I cannot tolerate this anymore. If he doesn't change his ways I will sever all business ties completely & move on. I cannot continue down this road.

This may seem light & day from yesterdays post, but it isn't. This is a critical step in me moving forward.

Yesterday was interesting.

I am beginning to apply for a masters degree & that ended up being a catalyst for the conversation I needed to have with my Dad.

I always thought the conversation I needed to have was a brutal one, when in fact, it was the opposite.

The one thing I didn't tackle is him berating me. It is a HUGE trigger for me & I can't have it, it ruins me. I will have the conversation with him in a compassionate way & move forward.

Overall I feel peaceful today. I know from this point forward everything will be ok. I have finally begun to turn right & make the correct decisions. I might not get everything right all of the time, but something just clicked yesterday, it's hard to describe. The past 10 years of struggle, reading self help books, going to self help groups & crashing & burning all culminated in a click in my brain yesterday!

I feel $1,000,000! :)

I really do, after many discussions with my Dad I have come to the conclusion that he does believe in me.

My belief is that I have been letting myself down in A LOT of areas in my life pretty consistently for the past 10 years. No-one is to blame for that apart from me. I had some tough experiences & I wasn't supported through them, which is tough, but the longer I keep hold of th
dm, the longer its going to impact my life.

I am a man now & I have the choice to be in a situation or not! I am far better than what I'm doing now & everything about my life doesn't reflect that.

This week I am going to finish my new business & get on my course. If I get rejected, I can handle that & I'll go again.

My posts on here are going to be A LOT more action based. I need to move forward in life & action is what's going to do that.

Getting closure & moving forward.

Yesterday I bumped into a friend from what I now like to call 'My previous life'. I have struggled for a long time with losing these friends. I was filling up with gas & saw my friend in the queue. We had a 5 minute chat & it has really helped give me closure.

I need to work on being more consistent at work. I need to be up early & progressing the business. It is the number one thing I need to change right now.

It feels great to finally have some direction in my life. I know what I want to do & roughly how I'm going to get there.

Me & my Dad are moving forward and that feels good. I am wary of a meltdown at some point, but I do believe he has seen the light.

I still have frustrations, mainly around me doing what I see as too much for other people. I do a lot for my Dad & Girlfriend which gets me down. I need to figure out if I'm being selfish or I'm actually doing too much & if so, change it!

I am realizing that I haven't moved away from my old life & that is the main thing that will help me. When I have tried I have given up.

I am going to work on self-imposed limitations & press forward!

I want to be writing on this diary with legimate progress that isn't 'I've been to the gym this week.'

Ciao for now :)