PTSD Diary

Thanks guys, it's much appreciated.

I struggled this morning, I really need to keep up the meditating & everything else I'm doing. It's so tempting to go back to old patterns when faced with the stress of life.

I've decided I'm going to leave the sports team I played for last season for now. I need to focus on my work right now & stabilizing the business. That along with my support meetings, the gym & running is enough for me right now!

It's dawned on me why I've slowly not felt myself. I've fell into the habit of inaction when it comes to awkward conversations. I've not done enough to positively challenge myself in that way. So after I post this I'm going to make the calls I need to. It's a MUST.

I know how it can be a quick spiral from being a bit 'off' to full blown disassociation & not wanting to get out of bed. Especially considering how short of a time it is that I've actually felt good!

I've done a lot of the easier concrete goals that I've set, whilst making minimal progress with the bigger goals.

I've sorted out my debt & booked trips. I deserve a pat on the back for that! I'm going to the gym a lot more & will book another 10k this week.

Overall I'm doing great & I can't lose sight of that! My self esteem is improving but I still have doubts. Especially when challenged. I started work late today & my Dad had a bit of a pop.

Being honest, from where I was at the start of the year I'm doing far, far better & want encouragement, not dissapproval. I'm going to make him aware of how bad I was & give further insight!

So, I think I got a bit confident in my feeling good.

I have been working with my Dad all week, which I don't believe I'm ready for, especially as far as boundaries are concerned.

I'm working hard to change the dynamic with my Dad & I think it was a bit much to be with him everyday. I'm working from home today, which is better.

I think that trauma in the past made me numb & because I thought people were 'nice' I let them do what they want & got burned. A lot of emotional work I need to do with my Dad revolves around boundaries & respect. I understand that goes both ways & I'm working hard on my end of the bargain.

I haven't meditated this week until this morning & I felt instantly better. It really does help to set my mood for the day. I also went running which helps to clear my mind.

My girlfriend is still struggling & she needs to want to change more. That is something I can't change. I need to focus on myself. I want to give her advice & help her, but ultimately it's up to her. I need to work on setting positive boundaries as far as house work is concerned.

I had a problem with a client that I got overinvested in emotionally & although it's now resolved, it really did my head in. Maybe because I feel alone & if I go to my Dad for help he just kicks off.

My Dad is focused on one situation where someone may have messed up or done something potentially unfair, that he fails to see that he does it to other people. I am coming out of a 14 year haze & whilst I've done some shady things, my Dad also put me through some things as a minor that were horrible. He had a choice & he came up short.

On Wednesday I took a couple of hours to myself to compose my mind because I didn't feel great. I understand that I should have been working, but I just didn't feel up to it. I went to the gym & reset my state by going in the gym. My Dad wasn't happy with this & saw this as me taking advantage of him. I got all of my work done that afternoon & some of his.

Has he worked more hours this year? Yes.
Have I got more results this year than ANY previous year? Yes.

These are the frustrations that I'm contending with. After walking for 30 minutes ranting I've come to some conclusions.

I am holding onto the trauma that my Dad was partly responsible for, STILL.
My Dad may be holding onto what I put him through when I was gambling.
I need to focus on myself to progress.

My Dad has the perceived reality that he does all of the work and gets the most results. I know this to be a gross exaggeration. I do not care what hours get worked, I care about results. I am going to send my Dad the results of what I've accomplished every week. I've worked 60-70 hour weeks with nothing to show for it.

I feel overrall as though I am changing how I see myself & this has not yet took hold with other people. I therefore keep on dropping back into old patterns.

I need to entrench these patterns within myself, be more assertive & change the game's & perceived realities in the relationships that I have. For this to be effective, it must be based upon fact. For example if I've taken the dogs out, done the washing, made tea & cleaned up whilst my girlfriend sits on the couch, I have the right to be annoyed about that based on FACT. Same with my Dad. If he isn't happy with the hours I've worked yet I've got exceptional results, I can supercede the games & change the reality based on fact.

I now feel a lot better. This is most definitely the next stage of my recovery.

So today I'm going to get results in my work & finish early! Happy days :)

Ok so last week was a big up & Ive had quite a big down.

I bought a book at the weekend about overcoming childhood trauma & its made me realise a lot.

When it came to the toxic relationship my Dad had, I was all alone. I had zero support and it got to me.

I was my Dads emotional confidant & that wasnt appropriate. What gets to me is that he still wants that to be the case.

That relationship ended but the one hes in now is still pretty bad & ive still given him advice & heard arguments etc.

I work with my Dad & I find it tough. The fact that Ive been emotionally neglected for a long time doesnt help.

Things need to change in some way. I cant continue having this type of relationship with him!

I now understand why Ive struggled to perform for the past 8 years.

Im going to continue to read the book & form a plan. Any suggestions here are more than welcome!!

When my dad acts out of leans on me, it genuinely ruins me for a while!

Other than that, things are good!

For me, this is the tough one. I feel like laying into him emotionally, but I dont think that will help. I dont think my dads a bad person & I do want to map a way forward, but I do know that I cannot continue to put myself through turmoil!

Ive realised its all good and well having ambition, but I need to work on my internal beliefs & patterns.

I have the ambition to be a successful business man living in the US, thats my marathon. At the minute Im trying to sprint the marathon. I need to change how I see the world & my relationships with the people closest to me.

its a must at this point & needs to be my primary focus. I Have actually accepted that I have PTSD & work on managing triggers as well as developing coping strategies. The acceptance came about last night at the cemetery! I need to lay the foundations for me to build a house. Im trying to bench press 140kg when I havent trained for years.

Im a bit apprehensive about the conversation but I know it needs to be done and marks a key point in my recovery!

You know what, I'm going to save the conversation for another day.

I'm not doing this out of weakness, I'm doing it because I don't have coping strategies in place. I am not far enough along the line of knowing what I want, I only know what I don't want. I am going to soul search over the next few days to realize what I want!

I know the tangible, material things I want to achieve & where I want to live, but I don't know what I want out of my relationships on a deep, emotional level.

Easter weekend

Easter weekend was interesting.

I still struggle to relax. I feel as though I must always be busy & can't stop.

On Friday me & my girlfriend set about refurbishing the bedroom. We are actually in a really good place right now. I enjoyed it although we were lazy & got takeout.

I watched Derren Brown - The Push & it reminded me about social compliance. There was a situation last Thursday where I should have spoken up but didn't. I used to be the guy who would speak up about indiscretions, I need to get back to being this guy.

On Saturday I went out for food with a bunch of friends. They don't live near us anymore, but we have been close for a solid 5-10 years now. It wasn't the same. I didn't enjoy it as much. My friends girlfriend invited her friends, who were very vulgar. Everyone was drunk & I just didn't enjoy it. I am becoming more aware of my emotions since I stopped drinking.

For the first time I missed drinking. The friends I was out with were my old drinking buddies. I know getting drunk won't solve anything & the past 2-3 months have been the best I've ever had, but I just missed 'fitting in'. Social compliance kicking in again right there.

The new business is still frustrating me, but I can change that. I have decided I need to change quickly & really challenge myself. It is the only way I will move forward with my life.

I have felt down this weekend at times & I usually do when I'm forced to slow down. I am working on enjoying the little things, rather than feeling as though I can't enjoy anything.

This weekend has absolutely solidified my decision to move away ASAP.

I haven't seen my Dad & I feel more balance, I will continue to work on boundaries with him.

Goals for this short week:

Don't look at work phone out of work.
Finish childhood trauma book.
Finish set up of new business.
Eat healthily & hit the gym at least 3 times.

Coming back to Earth!

I'm a hot mess right now.

I need to be honest with myself & you guys. I still am not myself. I am still constantly emotionally exhausted & stressed. I've had a couple of good weeks this year, but overall I'm still down. I keep on telling myself I'm ok, but I'm not.

I have been disassociating A LOT lately! Like A LOT & it does me no good. I haven't been meditating & I'm not busy with work as much as I want to be.

Positives so far this year:

Business is doing better & I'm working less hours.
I haven't drank.
I haven't gambled.
I've read intriguing books & understand more about PTSD.

Negatives so far this year:

I haven't made the progress I would like with new projects.
I still disassociate a lot.
I'm still stressed.

I've made a lot of progress with superficial issues like the debt I was in & doing things around the house, but I still feel crappy.

Looking at the pattern of my life, I don't believe being reliant on my Dad for work helps. He did not like it when I mentioned independence yesterday & actually got quite a bit done after the conversation we had.

I can't do it anymore, I'm driving myself insane. I don't mind a business with him being one part of an overall approach, but it can't be what I do in the long run. It's never what I intended on doing & I've always been abundantly clear with that.

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency

I've just read the above article & it is mine & my Dad's relationship to a tee. You could edit it a bit with our names & it would fit what happens in reality. I actually feel tonnes better for reading that. I now see what the problem is. It's actually eery how accurate that article is.

I believe that is the root cause of why I'm struggling. I am in a co-dependent relationship with my Dad.

Facts:

He has a driving phobia - I drive him to places. I got up at 5:30 this morning to drive him to the train station.
I have pulled his work up to the standard it needs to be for the past 8 years.
I have emotionally supported him to my own detriment.
I take too much responsibility forhis feelings.
Feel guilty asserting myself.

I could go on & on, but it's so clear to me now what I need to do. I need to research & treat codependency alongside PTSD. It explains why I just can't let it go, it's because I'm dealing with a web of ongoing issues, not just one.

I'm out of the trauma, but the pattern of behavior is still there & I've never seen it. It is revolved around healthy boundaries, but I feel much better for acknowledging it.

I'm ready now, the time is now to act!

I've well & truly had enough of being low. I've been pretty run down for the past week or so & I've now got a cold, ulsers in my mouth & generally feel crappy.

I feel irritable with most people & have been eating a lot of junk. I've put on a good few pounds in the past couple of weeks.

I'm sick of being on what I feel is the bottom rung of my recovery. My Dad texts me & I lose my head, it's shocking. Everytime I drag up childhood trauma my head goes.

I felt on top of the world when I went away & I now feel down in the dumps.

I know my Dad has too much power over my mood & ultimately my life. I've thought about it & he has tried to exert control over pretty much every part of my life.

He didn't want me to buy a house because he couldn't give me money towards it. He kicks off every time I go away. He gets me to do menial tasks for him EVERY GODDAM DAY. I spent 3 hours yesterday driving him because he has a phobia of motorways. It actually look ridiculous to type that. He still brings up his girlfriend & the negative things she does. He seems to think that business is a WE thing & not something we could do separately. He actually sounded annoyed yesterday because I asked him to text me an email address.

Financially I have always been looked after, but emotionally I've had very little support since my Mom died. The relationship dynamic now does neither of us any favours. I know this, it's so obvious.

I believe that I have struggled to recover because of my environment. On the flip side I believe it is critical for me to deal with these issues to move forward in my recovery. Infact I'm realising I must deal with these problems to move forward, irrespective of the financial impact to me. My BIG fear is that I argue with my Dad & he pulls the plug on me as far as wages go. He is on paper the majority owner of the business, the only named person on the bank account & could do that.

I've thought about it & I'm going to rejig the plan I made completely. This plan is going to be emotionally based & disrupt the negative patterns on a consistent basis. I'm all for the previous plan I made, but I need to focus on my emotional health as well. A lot of these things are habits I need to do.

Daily emotional health checklist

Post an entry on here.
Meditate.
Get at least 8 hours sleep.
Read at least 1 chapter of a self help book.
Be vigilant with triggers.
Organize my work priorities into 2/3 critical tasks.
Eat healthily & drink plenty of water
Get up early & read newspaper.

Other steps to take to gain back emotional control of my life. (All to be done within 90 days.)

Set up independent business.
Get shareholding signed in current business.
Be named on business bank accounts.
Clear all debts.
Full pass across access to money to GF.

Control clearly makes my Dad tick. The business isn't 50-50 on paper, but my Dad says it is as an oral agreement. To be blunt, I don't trust that will be upheld. It can be used as a stick to kick me if I mess up & I can't do anything if he does.

I feel much better for making a plan like the above. I need to be vigilant with my daily routine & take steps to improve my life & gain control of it.

Quick thoughts:

I am beginning to realize how many negative pattern tie in with my Dad.

He came in the office & it's absurd how much time he tries to waste of mine & how much I let him. Some of it is ok & some of it isn't! I need to distinguish between the 2. If I let his actions impact me anymore, I am not going to very well mentally. If I begin disassociating, I may not be OK for weeks. Meditating & ranting on here generally helps me get out of it.

He is very negative & I need to not take that on board. I am not a negativer person.

I feel trapped with my Dad & he presents simple situations as far more than they are. He projects his own weaknesses onto other people & I need to be aware of this.

I need to accept that if we have a business together, my progression is going to progress him in some way. Whether I like it or not, we are linked. I want the new business with him to succeed. I am thinking of taking a lesser share in order to explore other opportunities also. We may be linked, but we are 2 separate people running a business together.

If the company gets really big, then I miss out. My Dad's great at keeping the carrot of future success dangling in my face, but in 8 years we've never got there. We aren't too badly off in the grand scheme of things, but we have failed overall in my opinion.

I would actually rather take less money to be happy.

I still don't feel well, so I think I'm going to go to my 12 step meeting on Saturday instead of tonight. The last thing I want is to make other people ill.

The registration of my new company came through today, which I am thankful for. I am excited to push the business forward.

Today is a new day & on the whole I feel good. You know, aside from having the flu because I let myself get run down.

I had a disagreement with my Dad but I haven't disassociated & I feel ok. We run a business together & disagreements are going to happen.

I need to be a lot clearer with regards to what I am. I am a businessman, its what I've always wanted to do & I need to believe it.

I feel frustrated because no payments have come in, but this will be addressed.

I need to rest ahead of a busy weekend. I also want to stop overextending myself for people. I probably get run down because I am hyped up all the time, doing the driving of 3 people & taking on their stress as well. I need to focus on myself & improving my business, physical health & mental state.

I now know there are 3 things I need to focus on not doing. Drinking, gambling & disassociating. If I can not do them 3, I have a chance.

I'm my own man now & I need to start acting like it!

This afternoon though, I'm going to curl up into a ball & sleep, I feel rough as hell!

I love the support network here, I want to give back A LOT in time, because although I'm having ups & downs, on the whole I am in a better place than I have been in 14 years!