My Silent Voice (Diary)

@scarletPear1945 Hey you :) I'm so sorry for your loss. That would turn things upside down. I hope you're taking time for yourself ❤️

@scarletPear1945

@mytwistedsoulI love the cute little mouse. Thanks for sending him to me. Really much needed right now. I am tired of bellyaching all the time but this is the stuff I get dished out. Seems like nothing ever falls right for me without a tremendous battle. I won't even mention the crap. Really hard when there is no one around outside the internet to get support. I even tried to call a new mental health office for an appointment they take my insurance and I don't have to pay out of pocket. Called them two days in a roll and all I get is an answering machine and a recording they will call back in 24 hours and I just hang up. The therapist I had I saw for 2 and a half years at $110.00 a week and I don't feel we have made any progress. She said that I am Multiple and have at least 5Headmates that I need to accept and begin to communicate with before I can move forward. I told her I think she is crazy, not accepting that. Very confused at this point.

@scarletPear1945 In just wanted to let you know you were in my thoughts❤️

@mytwistedsoul,

Thanks for the link. Life has been really different since I have been told about DID. Things are so different I can't lie. Denial totally deny acceptance. They are just imagery. Made them up as an invisible le person and now they are trying to become human. Feels like I am in the Twilight zone. Maybe I just got devils inside.

@scarletPear1945 You're welcome. I'm sorry. I know it's not much. There's so much to try and take in. So much to understand and work through. I try to remember that they kept me alive. They need to tell their story and they need to heal too. There needs to be healing on so many different levels

@mytwistedsoul

Makes me wonder if it was worth their effort?????????

@scarletPear1945 Hey you :) I often wonder the same thing some days. There's good days and bad days. Things do improve with communication but getting there can take time and patience and you have to get everyone to trust you :/

This was posted here awhile ago its got some good links on it - I thought maybe it could help https://www.7cups.com/forum/DisabilitySupport_47/InterviewSeriesInclusivityDiaries_2386/DissociativeIdentityDisorderwithDichotomousDetia_277991/

@mytwistedsoul

Thanks, I wish I did not feel the way I do. I just can't fake it.

@scarletPear1945 It's tiring - faking it. Pretending you're ok when you're not. It's better to be honest about how you're feeling but it's so hard. And it can be even harder to explain why you're feeling whatever you're feeling. I wish there was something I could say or do that could help you. I really do. Tbh - we're all just sort of winging it - and that's from what I've seen with other people with DID. They started up the chats again and tbh - the people that come and talk - the things they say is like - omg it's not just me then. It's helpful - guess that sounds weird maybe Idk - but it's helped me feel like less of a freak knowing that other's are dealing with similar things - maybe you could come sometime - you don't have to chat if you don't want - alot of people just sit quietly. No pressure of course - it helps me feel less alone

*leaving a big safe hug*
Peace and love to you Pear
❤️

Dear Diary:

Trying to find the ability to make peace inside and find myself, sounds like an easy task. However simple it sounds I can truly say it is like climbing a mountain without the proper equipment. What I have discovered is that for any task or journey you need to have the proper tools and or gear to accomplish the mission with the least amount of resistance possible. Improper shoes, clothing, or gear will just make the task harder. For me, I don't need any more complications added to that which I already have.

I am so used to keeping noise going on around me that I don't know what it feels like to just allow my mind to quiet down and focus on the right now. I get antsy and uncomfortable when I try to be still. I get fearful in the midst of pure quietness. You see I never learned this skill and had never heard of this practice before. I never was allowed to feel emotions so they are foreign to me.

So not here I stand in my old age trying to learn what I should have learned in my youth. I guess it is like trying to tame a wild horse who has never had a saddle on his back. They can be pretty resistant and even dangerous. Like an old-schooler going back to school to learn new-age math🤔. Totally lost🤷‍♀️.

Being given that there is little information to build foundational skills upon is no picnic so what do you do? I have begun to search and research the internet for information and understanding about the process of acceptance and communication with people who have DID so that we can begin to build foundational tools to help us learn what to do and how to heal. There has to be an ordered foot print that we can use as the modality to help us understand and shed light on an otherwise scary process. Being able to find a place of none judgemental and honest sharing helps one another with support and honesty. Now I kind of understand what a person must go through when they say, "They Are Coming Out of the closet" must feel. The acceptance, the being able to be you, the taking down of the masks, and becoming vulnerable to others by being true to one's own self. Trying to find a pathway where no road has yet been built.

So I continue to wander in my own wilderness till someone helps build a highway and clear a pathway where we all can walk that leads to a broader destination. Till that time we will keep pressing on brick by brick till victory we have won.🙏

self.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey!, How are you? what's going on in your world?

For me, things are getting done business-wise but as far as the DID my inability to communicate with my insiders has left me feeling a bit like missing parts of myself. For some strange reason, I have been feeling like I am underwater. I even can see the water in my head. I believe that has to be one of my headmates that is experiencing this. For me, I have been drawing and playing just like a little child, But it has been kind of fun. The pictures I am drawing are strange but are like trying to say something that I am missing. I keep trying to deny the realness of all this but it is really real. But why now this long and this late in life.

I went to the links you gave me and found them very informative, Thanks❤️🤔

@scarletPear1945 Hey you :) I've been thinking of writing you but you beat me to it

@mytwistedsoul

Thanks for sharing this with me. I went to therapy very reserved and a bit perturbed with her for putting me off last week. I was able to ask her some questions about what she see with me. She said that when she tries to talk to me that I shut down and she thinks that Hortence fronts at that time. She said that Hortence had spoken to her a few times but now is silent. She feels that we insiders have shut her down and she is afraid to speak anymore. As she talked to me about my dad I described him as this Hanson tall well-dressed man and she blurted out, Your Dad Fu..k you. Then she did EMDR before I left. But that shocked me and I am still mulling over her words. She Triggered what my mom said to me about putting a sign on the front door telling everyone I was gone to F..... my dad. Maybe she was trying to shock me into blaming him instead of myself. That felt like a stab in my heart.

@scarletPear1945 Do you have an idea who might be keeping her quiet? Or is she just afraid because we're often told to be quiet or else. Perhaps it would help to remind her that it's safe to talk now. It's safe for everyone to talk now. Especially at the therapist's office. What's said there is kept between her and you. We have one here who is often afraid to talk, afraid that "she'll" find out. It can help to remind everyone as you walk in that this is a safe space for everyone. Of course it does take time to build trust, between yourselves and with a therapist.

@mytwistedsoul

My therapist said t.o us Thursday that Our dad was Fuc...king us. I am very hurt that she yelled that at us and feels like betrayal and it hurt us deeply. I don't want to trust any more therapists with my stuff. I feel retraumatized. they all turn on you and use the stuff as a weapon against us. How can we heal? how are we to learn to trust? I did not need that. We will not ever heal like this. Why did she say that to us??😭😭😭

@scarletPear1945 I'm sorry you were hurt by her words. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt anyone. It can be incredibly hard to hear some of the things we hear from our insiders. Unfortunately the only way to heal is to get it all out, to acknowledge all the hurts and talk about them, because denying or ignoring them doesn't make them go away. I wish it did but it doesn't.

@scarletPear1945. I’m really sorry to hear about what happened with your therapist. I had similar things said to me as a child. I can’t imagine why a therapist would yell such things at you. I can only tell you that I have had some bad experiences with therapists also and it can be really hard to understand. You will be in my thoughts.

My insiders are pissed with me because they warned me not to trust her or give her any information about them or our secrets. It was me that thought I had built a bit of trust in her to tell her about my insiders and I let her read out journals and well I messed up again. It is all my fault to trusting. Now we are all bleeding with remorse

@scarletPear1945 I apologize, I misread something. You've every right to be upset. That was something that absolutely shouldn't have been yelled at you. I can better understand now why everyone is upset. Did your therapist apologize? Not that it would help much of course. I would tell her, if you haven't already. You have to let her know she was in the wrong.

@mytwistedsoul

I just got no words right now, thanks

@scarletPear1945 *sits with you quietly*

@mytwistedsoul

Just wanted to let you know going out of town for a while. I will touch bases with you when I get back. Stay sweet and stay safe my friend.❤️

@scarletPear1945 You've been in my thoughts. Have a safe trip ❤️ Thank you for letting me know 🙂

@mytwistedsoul

I have tried to post you twice and it keeps getting deleted. I am back.

@scarletPear1945 Hey you :) Welcome back! I hope you had a nice trip ❤️

I have that trouble every now and again lately. Or sometimes the reply box is twice the size it should be. I guess they're trying to work out some bugs yet?

@scarletPear1945 You popped into my thoughts so I thought I'd drop off a hug ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

Hi, so happy to see you and I am really hungry for that hug😁. I took a chance for closure matters and felt I had to tell her what habic she reaked on my system. I told her just how she set us back and the anger we had. I was the blame for trusting her.

She gave Hortence and all my parts a real heartfelt apology. She said she never meant to hurt us like that. She said she was trying to get my attention. I expressed that the way she did it did not work in fact it was Triggering. I expressed the fact that she never even tried to guild me into parts work and I felt lost trying to find my own way by whatever means I could find. I ordered some books off of Amazon that is great foundation information. One is called "PARTS WORK" workbook and book, By Tom Holms.

Great information. The other is a very simple book called "WE ALL HAVE Parts" by Colleen West. Also extremely easy to read and give you a road map in communicating with your parts.

@scarletPear1945 *big hugs* ❤️ I'm so proud of you! It can be scary having to confront someone about something they did that causes us trouble like that. Its like instant chaos. It's frustrating and causes alot of problems because there can be so many different emotions from everyone and when it causes the whole system to lose trust in one another or even just to lose trust in us. It was so hard to get that trust to begin with

@mytwistedsoul

I changed Hortences name to PRECIOUS. She really likes the new name. I saw her respond. I cried

@bubblegumPuppy68 This is so wonderful and I'm so happy for you both! ❤️ Precious is a very fitting name.

It makes it more real doesn't it? Witnessing moments like that.

*safe hugs to you and Precious and any others who might like one* ❤️

@scarletPear1945 Hey :) Friendly neighborhood pita here. Just wanted to say hey and drop off a hug ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you, thank you. Really really have need to feel supported and loved😒

@scarletPear1945 *safe hugs* ❤️ you deserve to be supported and loved you have alot on your plate right now

I know it's not much but I'm allways just a tag away ok?

Peace and love to you Pear ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

My words do not have the vocabulary to express how much you have meant to me on this lonely walk to recovery street—never seeming as if to gather enough time to catch that second wind before another typhoon comes and drags you out to sea.

I am so tired of going around in this vicious cycle. will I never learn? Maybe it is not in the cards for me.😒

@scarletPear1945 No words needed ❤️ It means alot that you let me walk this path with you and I'm grateful to you

You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. I admire the strength you've shown with everything. For confronting your therapist - for persevering through the new things you encounter

We'll get through these storms and cycles

*safe hugs to you and yours* ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

New insider in therapy and they spoke to the therapist but I was not there. That sounds so scary. Now I feel I have been silenced by someone. Feels like punishment. Makes no sense.

@scarletPear1945 ❤️. It is scary. And not being present at all when it happens - Can feel downright terrifying afterwards. It's someone you don't have any idea about. It's good that this insider spoke with the therapist and made their presence known. It's a start. And being silenced - it does feel like punishment. We try so hard to find our voices - to speak our truth - to tell the secrets held inside. But often there are insiders that are still afraid - still stuck in the past. Sometimes there can be something that happened that triggered this silence. With what happened a few weeks ago with your therapist - maybe that could have triggered it? It's something we're trying to work through here too and its frustrating

@mytwistedsoul

So much want all this to go away just to give me mental rest. I wear myself to a frazzle in the outside world in an effort to keep the brain from being overwhelmed by the inside voices and chaos. I am afraid of this new insider and so is Precious and Jamie and the baby girl are in hiding I think. How can this be so real and yet seem delusional at the same is happening to me???time?n hardly even see what I am writing it is like even this nation is trying to be stopped. What the heck

I ca